Saturday, March 28, 2009

what is "strength" maybe i used to know

mornin folks-- well for those of you who are up-- which prolly isn't many at 6 on a saturday mornin. i actually got up at five but it took me that long to see. :)) man i felt rough. if any of you have gone this long without sleeping-- or at least sleeping a few hours a night--n you know what i mean.
i did my morning ritual of lettin dogs out, makin coffee, findin some socks fo m mtried to download a song, and signin in to blogger. of course, it couldn't be that easy, not for me anyhow. noop. the dog barked, the c0ffee pot leaked, i couldn't find my slippers-so am wearing socks. i started to post-- and first couldn't think of what to write-- then when i started--- i fell asleep--now my coffee is cold= and i have to get UP for more. i don't wana.
sooo anyhow--

daaaaamn, i'm tired. i just fell asleep- again.--or woke up, however ya wanna look at it.
i'm just really havin a hard time with the sleep thing lately. ya know it pretty much started -- this time-- when soulkid went to rehab. i wonder now if her being gone-- and never callin us-- has something to do with it. separation anxiety?? she has always been glued to my hip- y'all know that. her being gone, and the worry of life when she comes home. yep, that would do it. don't ya think??

well.. that and the fact that we have a new gal in our group thing. she's about to have a baby -- any second. literally. she was having contractions in group yesterday--- and the night before . i was waitin for her to go into labor right there in group. ugh. me and pregnant women, and babies, -- just not my thing ya know. it's a "trigger" for me. i can usually avoid that. at least pregnant women. i can leave. babies? i can leave. group? i can't just up and leave. so wednesday and friday i was trapped in group with not only a very pregnant woman--- but also a pregnant woman who had lost a baby just less than a year before now. she got pregnant three months after her loss. she talked about things on wednesday-- the first day i met her. some things i felt i could help her with--- but the one thing that really pisses me off--- in a strange sort of way-- not an anger that i want to take it out on anyone.. just a anger at MY life. the way things go for ME.

when i lost my second son... i was still pregnant. i found out he was a boy--- then i found out he would most likely not survive-- due to multiple birth defects-- which included limbs, and internal organs. i was almost six months pregnant-- about 5 and a half. "we had to make a decision".. fast. before "it" would no longer be an option.
the irony of it? the same thing happened to them. same day they found out it was a girl-- was the same day that they found out it wouldn't make it.

that isn't what makes me angry though. here's what does.
i begged the doctors...and there were many by this time. i begged them, and my normal obgyn who would have delivered the baby... i begged everyone who would listen to me.... to induce labor-- he was big enough. he was developed...i would have a memory. i would have a face. i would be able to hold my son--- even though i was going to lose him. even tho he may have been stillborn, like hers. but it all would have been different,. i may have had closure. i would have had a body to bury. a place to go visit . so much would be different today. but they wouldn't do that for me, or for soulman. we would never look at our sons face. we would never have a special place to go talk to him. it was -- it is all so unnatural. a parent isn't supposed to lose their children. that is so backwards. it isn't sposed to happen that way.
i know it happens to other people. a lot more than i ever realized until i talked about it on here . it happens a lot.
but i have yet to hear someone tell my story. that's ok tho...i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i have not and may never recover from what happened in my situation.

but in hers, the gal in group. they induced her labor, she held her baby, her husband held the baby, they have pictures of their baby . they see her face whenever they want to. they have her ashes. they have the closure--- the ability to let her go.

not the guilt of having to go against their morals and do something tragic to the baby and the mom. not the lonliness and questions of no face for the name. for a while he didn't even have a name. or a face.

this couple will most likely be bringing home a baby boy this weekend. a baby that will close the chapter of their loss. there will be a baby in the nursery. the cries won't be imagined anymore. a baby to hold and to love and to teach, and to worry about.

and here i am , once again jealous--angry, sad. for me. not for them. i hope they are happy and the power of the sadness of losing the other baby fades and turns to joy. it canhappen. i have seen it--in other people.
just not in myself.

someone else that many of us know and love went through this--and soon afterwards, she was ready to try again. she will have a baby soon. a boy. a healthy happy boy. i know she will be a good mom too. because she has a good mom. and it takes a good, strong, woman to do what these women have done.

people tell me i'm strong. no i'm not. i am avoidant. if strong is not talking about something. if strong is quitting-- by getting my tubes tied six weeks after such a thing. if strong is making my life in a way that i won't have to face situations-- such as own or someone elses. if strong is running from conflict-- looking away from baby billboards, anti abortion billboards and signs, having nightmares, being unable to stay sane or sober through "anniversary" dates of the baby-- and never letting go of a guilt that should not even be mine. then sure i'll take strong. but i'm not. i'm no where near strong. i may wear a mask of strong for the outside world to see---IF i face the outside world at all.

but strong , in this situation, is taking control. saying goodbye to who is gone, but keeping their memory alive--in a special way. strong is getting healthy and being willing to try again. to take those risks, and run all the way with it.

not hide. lie. deny.
not be jealous or afraid, or angry.
not feel betrayed by God. a God who saves sick babies who would have no life. or whos death --- or even life on machines -- may destroy that entire family with guilt and worry.

strong people, don't live a life like i do. strong people trust people, God and their families. strong people love without conviction. strong people love without worrying about perceived consequences of betrayal or loss.

i am not strong. i have survived loss like no one should but many do. i've lost children, parents, friends, and family. and it has all but paralyzed me.... it actually does paralyze me at times.

i am not strong, i am an angry, sad person. some days i just hide it well. of course some days are better than others. but not enough to say that i am anything but a scared person who cannot--or is not willing to live life like God intended. he took two children from me--- for a reason. unfortunately-- i am too closed off to hear that reason. i don't want to hear his reasoning, i don't even want him to apologize-- although i don't know how he would. maybe with grandbabies for me to love and spoil. but by then, i will be a cripple--or dead. how much will i be able to do with grandbabies--IF they come at the right time. (my kid is 15-- i dont want new babies just yet.)

anyways-- i had been just starting to sleep again at night--until wednesday when i met this pregnant girl, and heard her story. i haven't slept since---- until last night. and that was probably because i cried all damn day. strong? no. not me.

alive? surviving? sure. i'll take it. weak as a winter branch...
sure -- i'll take that one.

there's two young women out there who will never forget the tragedy of their loss...
but they had the strength to do it again, and they will be wonderful mothers, and women for it.

well, yall.. this post came from nowhere... so i'm shuttin up.
it's prolly another i should just delete. but i wont-- cuz this is my page, and i won't delete anymore posts here-- for someone else.

i have to live for me. not the past-- not for what someone may think. or feel.
this is a place for my own thoughts and feelings. and this is where they should stay.

happy satahday to you

my tile fairy is coming back to fix the shower walls today. yippee.