Tuesday, May 15, 2007

it's monday all over again

i ... well for one.. i think i hate to start a blog post with the word I. it's kinda "this is gonna be all about ME and i insist that you give a damn".
but anyhow. it isn't always like that; sometimes i have bad things to say about myself, but still seem to start with the word i. i am shit. i am not shit. i am insane. that one i think i will stick by.
soooo. anyways, my dryer is still broken, and i'll bet fifty bucks my clothes in the washer, and in the dryer are now.... trash. mildewed, stained, stinky, trash. as if i could afford something like this to happen right now. ugh. we still don't even know what is wrong with the damned dryer, but it looks like i will be making a trip to the laundrymat soon. how great. just great. back when i drank, i would get drunk waiting for my clothes at the laundrymat....but....well, i don't drink anymore. sucked the fun right out of laundry day ! besides that... it hurts my back to carry laundry through the house....much less...house to car, car to machines, machine to dryer, dryer to table, table back to car, car into house, house to whoever it belongs to. it's just crap i say. i feel the pain already/ and i dread it. that's why my clothes ruined. if i didn't fear the pain...or the laundrymat...i woulda just gone and dried the clothes and all would be fine...except the dryer, and the dirty clothes piling up. but at least i wouldn't be in the bind of replacing stuff. ugh. see what i mean? i can whine all day if ya let me.

want me to tell ya how damn hungry i am??? pretty damn hungry. i have 8 dollars in my purse...i have about forty in the bank...and nothing coming in til friday. i'm afraid to spend a dime. on anything. it's pretty rare that we get this broke. just happens sometimes i reckon. but, it's not that we don't have food...we just don't have any snack stuff i can just go grab...and what do you think i chose to take out for dinner? a freakin pork roast that's gonna take an hour and a half to cook! so in the meantime, i'm gettin a headache, and i feel a bitch attack coming on...in fact i just took some asperin, but as for the bitch attack...i need to eat something. but what??? arghhhhhh.

oh and know what else? all that shit i just wrote....none of it is what i was even gonna write when i started. in fact, i don't know if i can even remember what i was gonna write, but that wasn't it. hold on, lemmee light a cig, and see if i can regain my train of thought.....

well, that didn't help at all. well, at least not with the memory thing. i have no idea what i had planned on saying at first.

so...i guess i will, just pick something. the bank !!! speaking of memory...or lack thereof... today, i'm out running errands, and such, and i have a bank that i rarely use anymore....two accounts...one with my husband, one with my daughter. so i went to the bank to close one of the two accounts. the one that no money goes in or out of. the joint acct we still have a direct deposit and a couple direct bills out of. so anyhow.... there i am, at "the bank" to close this account. i sign in, i wait..not very long thank goodness, then i sit at this guys desk, and say i need to close one of my accounts, i give him my drivers licence and my cards for both accounts...in order to close one, and transfer the measly six..yes SIX dollars into the other account. well....he looks at the cards and says these are wells fargo cards..... i immediately realize...shit...i'm NOT at wells fargo! i'm at another bank we have accounts at...one we opened when we moved back here from new mexico...which is why we no longer use the other account. so i'm like...."oh man, this isn't wells fargo"... he says...no, do you have an account here? i say yes, that's why i came here i guess, i'm just used to coming here. ugh. how embarassed was i? pretty damn embarassed! so, i , with my eggplant colored face, gathered all my cards...and scurried out of there...and went to wells freakin fargo...to close my account. good LORD.

this just has not been a good week for me. not at all. i mean it hasn't totally sucked. i did a few things, like went fishing a couple times...i caught a fish too...but it was a catfish...didn't bother to keep it. we stayed at a hotel and went out for a really delicious steak dinner on saturday...the hotel was some thing hubby won months ago. and the dinner we put on his work credit card...just to make sure the card worked ya know. :)) and a couple other fleeting good things. but for the most part...it's been crap.

perhaps this being the first mothers day without my mom has a part to play??? mothers day was never real significant between her and i anyhow....but i seemed always to feel guilty for not sending a card...or was motivated by guilt in order to send a card. and this was the first year i didn't have to deal with either scenario. maybe i felt guilty for being the way i was. maybe i felt bad for her being the way she was. maybe i didn't feel anything at all. except guilt. (i mean about her...hubby and daughter were great).

but anyhow. yep. i don't know what to do with myself . just lots goin on in my feeble mind lately. too many thoughts, and nowhere to store or release them. maybe. who knows. who even really cares.

well, i guess i'll go get dinner in the oven and see what i can scavenge up to snack on. i just might have to go buy a smoothie, or an iced mocha, or some chips. just somethin.