Monday, September 29, 2008

flyin blind again, but here i am - am and pm- and another a.m - and so on..erg

howdy folks,
another monday has befallen us. isn't that thrilling? not sure what it means to you, just means more catch up for me though. well, that, and alarm hell. i spent the better part of the past week in my bed with bronchitis. i'm pretty much guaranteed a bout with that about once a year-- but i think this is my second go round, and not a fun one. and let me add, i got quite a bit of extra nagging with this round as well. y'all know i love to get nagged at. yep-- mainly about smoking.
even though i cut back from almost three packs a day to half a pack... which is like a miracle-- even if it was painful, and any normal person wouldn't want to smoke -- or probably attempt to at all... i thought i was doin ok. apparently not. and y'all know there aren't that many to nag at me, so it has been a quite stressful 6 or 7 days.... and on top of feelin like shit in other ways.

but, could... can.. i defend myself? ummm no. i could barely talk without choking my guts up--- much less attempt to argue over something so stupid as smoking. well, til last night. then it was really bad timing, and really just stupid, well, except that i was once again smoking in bed---and i just didn't even want to deal with nagged at for it. ugh. i was almost asleep anyhow-- all i wanted was to go to sleep-- and the lecture began. along with the sighs and other crap. ugh. don't y'all think there is more important shit happening around here than me smokin a little too much? or havin one last smoke-- even if it was in bed? well, i do. so save the lecture for a time when i'm not hangin off the edge. k? cuz i really didn't need it.

ok, so here we are again.. it is now TUESDAY morning. and a third, hopefully not as lousy attempt at a post. just gimee a break an roll with it, cuz ya gotta gimmee at least some credit for tryin right? i know i haven't been makin much sense lately. several of you have made that quite clear. even though i kinda knew i was just throwin shit out there. but sometimes i really do just need to write, only becuase i need to write" and for no other reason than that. for those who stick with me i really appreciate ite it. and for those who just can't understand it and think i'm mental, well, that's cool too, i reckon. i hear it a lot lately. online and face to face--- it seems NO ONE understands me. and i've known that for a very long time. it just seemed that lately i guess i thought i knew more people, so maybe at least someone would get it. but i am still too fragmented, and cryptic. or just flat too afraid to let it all out. and that's ok too. it has too be,
i'm sure none of you let all of you out to shine your entire self show exposed here. it's too vulnerable. too open, and bloody raw.

y'all know things about me, and i know you can accept some of it. you can deal with it the best you can, and you have already accepted me with it for it, etc.
some other things, too many just don't get. and that is the part or parts that i need to leave out of here. find somewhere else to put it. there are places i could talk about it. with others who truly know what it's about. people who need to assume, or guess, or get scared, or run off. or worst of all fear me for some reason. trust me , i am nothing to be afraid of. that's one thing for sure.
the worst thing i've done to anyone is break a heart or two. not intentionally. but it happens.

most of what i'm dealing with lately has been contained within the walls of my home. not that it's where all the "incidents" occurred", but the dealing with, ok, arguing about, trying to put straight, failing, and falling apart.. it's all happening, where we should all be the most comfortable. but instead, this is where we do the most damage to each other, and ourselves. shit-- you'd think after 16 years of marriage , two forty - somethings could handle a fourteen year old kid. well, it's just not been that easy. it's been a close to daily issue with this in one way or another for months. and has more than taken its toll on each of us in more ways than one.
but what the hell do we do about it now?
it seems , in my hubbys recent analogy-- we are like a triangle-- sometimes these two points pull together and work, others these two, at times each point pulls away only working for itself.. we get no where doing things that way until we all pull together equally, we will never be a perfect triangle. and we won't. the worst thing-- you'd expect a kid to be rebellious and pull away, not give a damn, expect mommy and daddy to fix everything for them. right?
or maybe the man-- sometimes the only "bread winner".. to go to work, that's his job right.??
which leaves mom... supermom.. to keep everything else together. fix the probs, fix the fam, pay the bills, cook, clean, keep track of her own umpteen million drs every month, be sick and mental at the same time, but walk over top of that to get the others taken care of first.
UNTIL, she can';t any more.
and even when given a break, or reprieve-- she is so guilt driven... she still can't stop for her-- no matter how right or wrong. what about he or she?? mom stil has to take up for them, do for them. gotta do this, must continue that. go get this, get her that, ugh she just needs more time. just need more time. she constantly runs until until she's beat. until her body and her mind force her to stop. whether she wants to or not.
a person like this gets lost. resentful, angry, cold, and bitter. feels overlooked, invisible and taken for granted. and soon, once overwhelmed, becomes stalled out like a twenty year old pinto ! haha . ahhh my cursed pinto. memories. really, it had the curse too. it was stolen once, recovered , pretty well strippped, no sun roof, stereo , etc. i fixed it back up-- and twice after-- it was broken into TWICE more !! both guys guys busted tho-- the thiefs who stole it never did, but they used it for paint and construction and ruined it.
soooo---eventually.. as i tried to sell it once for real cheap--like 3-400 as is.. the good thing about the car? it had a new engine-- and camshaft -- so just the motor and rebuilt tranny i had put on it was worth that... good sale gone bad. i went to get the rest of the money one day-- my mom and neice in the pinto :))// and me following in my lil izuzu pup behind them.. we are driving out of the parkin lot, and the folks decide they want their "non-refundable" deposit" back. so we tried to0 haggle, but ended up leaving, but insisted that we had a receipt to show it was non nonrefundable, and we drove off again.. we take off with a polite "screw you" == read what you signed-- so the guy throws a wrench threw the back frickin hatchback of the pinto my mom and neice were in. we only went a couple miles and of course stopped to check the baby-- almost two in the back seat. she was fine, but could have been hurt by glass--if not hit by the wrench.

so-- time passes, we drive the car-- my mom does.. it loooks like shit :((-- but runs like a top. so one day-- i'm fixin to bounce a check.. for right about 136.00 no idea what it was for-- but i really needed that money fast to cover that check.

so we--me and my mom-- don't even ask me how i ended up livin with her. it 'll take some thinkin. ugh. i think i remember now, but i aint goin there yet-- i'll save it for a part two. so anyhow-- i'm walkin out of a 7-11 and a guy a few years older than me, a little cute, but nothin to scream over-- and an older guy--who turned out to be his dad, walk out too.
my mom puts on her phone sex voice... ERG..yes, really. you'd just have to hear for yourself to believe it. (e, le le let me ask him" ugh.
she says something out the window to them about buying the car for 106.00. (or 136.00) then when they come up to the car-- makes ME finish talkin. good lord i was not a talker. especially about stuff like that. i may as well been askin for money to get tossed in a hat.
so-- somehow i manage to get my hardluck story out-- about my impending bounced check and how much trouble it will cause with the NAVY, etc... and how whatever it was for was oh so neccessary... ugh. of course whatever trouble it was-- was HER problem, not mine-- yet there i was, scrambling to get her-- and me out of yet one more mess she had gotten me into--- can ya tell i'm lovin on my mom today?

so of course-- anyone in the world who knew a thing about cleanin up a car to turn a profit would jump on that, and they did. two tires are worth 100 bucks. and even though this was no car for a 21 year old, it was a decent and newly redone-- yet -- newly re-trashed car-- it had potential.
and really, was worth 6 - 800.00 even in the condition it was in. even if just to re-sell.

so , like i said-- i think.. they bought it-- on the spot-- . and did re-sell it. for profit-- after sinking little money into it.

i really don't know how i got on this subject-- but to cut it short--it became one of my most embarrassing times of my life! my mom tried her damnedest to get this guy to MARRY me. you just wouldn't believe it. a shot-gun wedding of sorts-- even tho- this was not the father of the baby i was pregnant with. and i was humiliated. the sad thing-- HE woulda done it !! in a heartbeat-- but i didn't want a thing to do with it. no way in hell was i gonna marry this guy i met in a 7-11 parking lot-- selling/buying a car--- it wasn't like i didn't have a better choice ya know. i did not want a man at that time. i was suffering enough from the asshole factor at the time. i had made a poor decision picking the real father-- i did not want to find myself making a mistak with a step dad too. i wasn't ready for a relationship. if i was-- i think i would have been with the father of the baby -- wouldn't you agree/ knowing me-- i think y'all would agree.
BUT-- this guy, didn't have a brain cell in his little head for one thing. ya just couldn't talk to the guy-- he was in his twenties.. mid i guess... and still lived at home. he was pretty crude, if ya know what i mean.. i am too-- but not so much when i was "dating". i knew how to conduct myself ya know. i still do. if i need to act like i have manners i am able-- he wasn't ... he was just a pig. he didnt look like a pig-- he just was a pig. know what i mean??
but she really was trying to force me to marry him. i just couldn't believe it.

smocha lived nearby-- she can tell you more prolly than i can, cuz of my bad memory. i just remember one night my mom invited him over, with ice cream.. and i went over the edge, after only a few minutes of talking with him.---i hated him, and my mom, and what she was trying to do. i made him leave, i kept the ice cream, ;00 , and i never saw him again. LOL ---- did i mention that i was like 8 months pregnant, single, doin just fine-- aside from bein a total bitch and wanting nothing to do with any man at the time? especially an out of work preppy wannabe...loooooseR ? ugh.

so-- yep, i went into a mini rage-- he left-- my mom shut her mouth, i took the ice cram to my room, and ice creamed my ass to sleep. :)) the story of the cursed pinto and the devil. i mean... "the pinto, the prego -- meet the matchmaker from hell." :))

now-- seein as it only took me three damn days to write this damn post-- i reckon i maybe should share it with y'all. especially since i am falling asleep, and i really don't know why. i slept ok last night. compared to the other two or three.

so yep-- i'm gonna go take a nap-- soon as i immerse myself into some more stress.
:)) more happiness to ya peeps-- and a happy rest of the week to each of you-

holy hell people--

this is just gettin to be just too much. i have been tryin to write this damn thing-- obviously-- for days. wth? distracted much? i just get sidetracked at just the moment i think it's almost time i can post post it -- then .. boom.. i have to go and do something, or go somewhere. when it just isn't quite there. ya know. so i draft save it, until i get back to it-- and the same damn thing happens agian.
well--- i'm just hoping i can hit the post button on it this time-- and i do hope it makes a little more sense this time around. i know that last one was a bit loopy. sorry for that.

so. i guess this brings us current? right? in this sea of soul-isms. but first-- i must get coffay and bring my yappy dawg inside lest a neighbor pellet gun her dumb ass.

ok.. i am back. ahhh

anyhow-- i want to tell you that life is settling down here, and all is well, etc. but that isn't so much the case. it is getting there though. we are taking steps to get there. but man, it will take time. the three of us have very strong personalities, and at this point--and the passed many weeks.. they clash against each other. and that makes communicating, in the most difficult of times that our little family has faced, near impossible for us. but we know we are doing all we know how, and all we are told or suggested to do.

i know i have run in circles with the root of what has caused such turmoil here. and maybe i still won't be able to say "everything". it really wouldn't be right for me to do that. not on a public page. ya know?

but i know some of you still care, and haven't given up yet. i know some have thrown their hands up in frustration. and i can handle that. i don't hold hostages. there's the door. you're free to leave. it's a two way street and the phone works both ways. right? that's how i see it. doesn't mean i care any less of any of you. but if you don't understand me.. then maybe you never will, so, either accept that-- or move on.

anyways-- what i was gettin at-- the best i can do is give you a few hi-lites.. which may be too much information as it is. but it's the best i can do-- and no more than that-- for now.
but i think it's time you know a few things.

1- 99 % of what has been messing with my mind and personality-- and time for blogging-- have been issues with my daughter.

2- these issues, have snowballed from what seemed "normal teen-age behavior" - to downright terrifying, life changing , relationship altering, self destructive, life events. (for her---and us_)

3- my child , in a matter of a few weeks, has lost friends, been in trouble with the law, twice--, been involved with OTC--AND illegal drugs, and a very wrong and dangerous crowd to be hangin with.

4. she also spent a week inpatient psyche for suicidal idea, and threats.. which led to another week outpatient-full day treatment--

5. she now, has just started a drug rehab outpatient program.

6. since i had the seizure-- one of them.. maybe the second in july-- she has treated me like absolute shit--i can't say a word without her shutting me down. or making it an argument.
finally last night... the topic of us going to las vegas came up-- somehow in all the problems and shuffle-- her dad and i forgot to tell her that we had canceled our trip to meet jamie and her family there. oops. SO-- i had a little bulb go off-- and without really thinking, i said to her-- "oh man, we didn't tell you?.. we aren't going, we would never leave you "like this"... we didn't tell you!"-- is that why you're so mad at me??"
sooo-- she says.. without really even thinking-- "when you get sick, i seem to pull away from you-- cuz i don't want to hurt if something happens to you".
i don't want her to feel that way.. or for our relationship to be this way. i understand more now. but i can't heal myself. i can't make myself not have a seizure if it's gonna happen.. i can't not have a i can't breathe attack in the middle of bronchitis.. if it's gonna happen.
and ya know, i see my own husband do it too? it makes it really hard to live like this . because from the outside-- ie.. bein me-- it seems that neither of them give a damn. it seems they don't care-- or want to talk to me. the reality is.. they just don't want to be too close to me-- cuz i have been so sick in one way or another-- for so damn long---- that -- none of us really know-- when, what, or how-- or even why-- i could just drop dead someday. any day. it's just pretty fucked up.

i do my best to hide my feelings, but lately i just can't. i am so IN depression lately - it's not funny. i am rarely out of my room. it doesn't bother me. i like it there. i really do. i'm sick with bronchitis, no one wants to hear that. i'm depressed, i sure as hell don't wanna talk to anyone. i'm weak and saggy, and laying down is my most comfortable place to be.
it's just ridiculous really.

and i will admit i am a bit jealous lately too. she and her dad have this little bonding thing goin on lately too. to me it seems that they have ostracized me-- taken sides against me..ya know. i say one thing-- she runs to dad, and he bails her out. like what i say or think doesn't matter.
i feel smaller and less significant by the day around here.

i feel bad for not writing regularly-- like i know i absolutely need to on here-- for you-- and for me. i think i may have hurt some peoples feelings here-- totally unintentionally of course. but i think it has happened.

i hope you understand more now-- that it has not a thing to do with any of you. i miss all of you.
it's just that i have been keeping these "secrets" .. i spose trying to be loyal. but in the meantime.. only hurting myself , y'all, and my family too, because of it. maybe tryin to fool myself that there's some quick and easy-- presto-change-o- fix for this shit--- but really there isn't.

unfortunately, when we say-- oh hell, NOT MY kid. ya gotta tallk, ask questions, look for answers. cross the line and do a room search. i was so against a room search, i always appreciated and respected her privacy-- until that first room search revealed our darkest fears. and later opened doors for even more lies. as a parent, you need to be aware. watch for the signs. and trust your instincts. cuz i tell ya-- it was a long time before we had the facts that our instincts told us something was goin on. we just didn't want to "hear" it. i still don't want to hear it. new stuff comes up almost every day--

and well.. all i can say for me and hubby-- our stress and health is suffering. it's so hard to look back only a year and a half-- and see my little drug fee, straight edge kid---- and to look at her now. i can only wonder wtf went wrong. and of course where did I go wrong.

but ya know-- i can't blame myself for this. we have talked to her about this shit-- for many years. what it can do, how it can affect you. we even went as far as to tell her just how susceptible she is to addiction, and it's just better to not find out, than to experiment. yet, she had to find out the hard way. and at age 14.

anyways. as parents, we are doing what we know how-- and what we're learning along the way lately, to just give her the tools--and try our best to be patient, and realistic. it's up to her to use them i guess. i only pray that she will.

in fact, it was only yesterday, after weeks of this, that we realized, a lot of her mood, and attitude is withdrawl from the damned drug use. not to mention the emotional bullshit that comes along with all the other crap. she missed almost a full month of school, she has been forbidden to continue a few relationships with friends who were involved in this shit. she obviously was NOT thrilled to be locked up for a week, and then attend all these other group sessions that last all day--then to return to school to face the questions--and ugh, answers to "where the hell have you been?". i really do try to understand her feelings. i was very close to her situation when i was young. not a competition, a comparison. but really, i am beginning to understand more. so, i give her space , just to prevent arguing all the time. but in the meantime it only hurts the two of us, because really we do not speak to each other at all lately. it breaks my heart-- but i am happy that she and her dad are getting along. he is desperately trying to keep that line of communication open between the two of them. of course-- while i feel like a jealous outsider. but that's ok.. for now. i do see progress. and that is good.
is it easy? oh hell no. and it won't be. we could be back at square 1 in a day... a week, a month.
but i sure hope not.

the hardest thing i've ever done is to watch my daughter fall apart-- and be forced to step aside while someone else-- her dad and docs-- fix it--but if i don't, the conflict between the two of us will destroy all of us.

i am beginning to think that going through this process, is worse than burying my own baby son.
the helpless, hopeless, doomed, and worse--being unwanted, or not needed feelings... are destroying me.. slowly.

and what makes it worse? this is my annual crack - up time anyhow. i've done alright the passed few years. sure i get depressed, even more than that. but have pulled through. but this time , my third and only living child is suffering, right at the time that my eldest son would be having his twentieth birthday. 20. good lord. i just can't believe that i would-- or should have a 20 year old son.
sometimes when i do think of what a handfull soulkid can be-- even before this last few months when it got so out of control...
i would say--
my God.. how in the world do people do it with three and four kids??? knowing that i should have three. i didn't realize-- consciously, until day before yesterday... my son Patrick, would be grown. i wonder what he would be doing with his life today. how he would be doing. would he be healthy, and smart? athletic? outgoing? disciplined? respectful? i honestly think that things would have been different if he had lived. not only with him, but in turn with soulkid. i think "only children" do suffer with a terrible lonliness that few of us know. and i also think i made a terrible mistake in telling her about her brothers. especially at the age she was when i told her.

and now-- she has no idea of the significance of this time of year-- but for this last few weeks.. she decides to talk about them. jacob and patrick. at a time i would rather just let it pass silently-- every other day the boys names are brought up. not to mention the other terrible pain she is going through, and the pain it causes the rest of us-- i struggle with these so raw bloody wounds, that i can't help but want to run from. just from all of it. and that makes me feel horrible. about who i am. how i am. and especially what i am. or who i have become.

i want to be "soul" again.
but i really feel like i have crossed some line somewhere.
said too much to some.. too little to others.

i sit and watch the sun set
each night upon my day
i hear it kiss the dusky sky
and send a prayer Gods' way.

well... i guess that is all i got for now--- it'll prolly make no sense-- again...
or if it does, will only make things worse between the kid and me.
not much else i can do though really. is there?

i see two choices here...
in my life, people wise---

i have my family, and i have this blog.
when one wavers, i have the other.
sometimes, i have both.
that's when things are the best you know.
lately, i haven't had much of either, and it has been very tough.

i can lay it out -- let you choose to stay or go-- once again.
i know you know i'm not all here..all the time. so what.
but hey... no one is forcing you to come here. or stay here.

just don't bullshit a bullshitter.
either you're on my side or you aren't.
i have a lot of links there-- if you aint stayin, let me know so i can get some out of the way-- deal?

anyhow-- i gotta go-- i bet i've said that three hundred times, but i do. so i am outta heah.

ps-- i am not gonna waste your or my time huntin down pix..even tho i have several hoarded up just for this post-- i need to get busy.

take care peeps.;

i think of ya lots-- know that-

Saturday, September 27, 2008

saturday-- in the park - i don't remember the rest of the words- :))

It’s been hard to find time to post, much less energy—or subjects – to write anything other than negative whiney crap.
I know i’m known on here for the little crybaby pics, and can make my crybaby posts be ok – or, well, not so bad, sometimes. But lately - I really - really am a crybaby, and I just can’t be a crybaby without any sympathy.
crap. I don’t think that came out right. You know what I mean though. Don’t you?
I think I mean.. I shouldn’t be a crybaby, if it’s not my own crybaby attack.
Or else it just won’t “flow” right. How can I have a crybaby attack when it’s not my own pity party--- that’s how I meant it. I think. Oh hell. I don’t know. regardless... mine or not-- cry baby or just a baby-- doesn't matter... i'm sure no "tough guy" lately.

Anyhow -
I saw a movie the other day and the dad was a “hard-ass” in it—or really, more like an asshole.. but his line he fed his son all the time was :
“no sympathy for losers”.

I tell ya—I sure have been feelin like a loser lately. In more ways than one. Like I have failed in a major way. That I have done something that I cannot fix or change. And that I have done this to another person too. That they will or do feel the same way.
That I am, and have made this person – well, feel unfixable, unchangeable--- broken.

How do you come back from that? How do you bring the two of you back from that?

Major mistakes have been made while trying. On both sides. Pain is caused to and by both while trying. Yet ya keep on struggling through, and over and under the obstacles and you face the demons, and fight the battles. You defend, you attack, you bleed you heal, you protect, you hurt. You make things better, and you make things worse. But eventually you turn your wounded self around , not unscathed, and realize just how far you and your little Army have come as you fought against, and with each other , and although the war won’t be quite over for years to come, the worst of many battles with harsh reality of life, has been won.

don't waste your time doin the quiz here

just scroll to "submit" and click and it will take you to the regular quiz then just take it there. sorry. pain in the ass i know. i should just delete this, but it's kinda fun. so i won't. well, maybe i'm just easy to please. but anyhow-- movin on --

***afternote-- i can't get this right-- i tried to post my results= it keeps posting the quiz... wth?? anyhow i'm a "frustrated soul"
if you take the quiz-- lemmee know what your says eh?
sorry i'm computer illiterate at times.)

(see how UN-foused i am?)
i was gonna put a pic or two in the post and came across a quiz!. but geesh, how could i NOT share a SOUL- quiz???? come on peeps, what kind of soul do YOU have? come back and tell me k?

so anyhow, what else?
not much really. i'm still not at liberty to spill my guts about about all the drama around here these passed few months. but i do hope it is at its peak and will level out and at least just stay at a steady pace at this point. without any more surprises. and when i say surprises, i'm not talkin about, roses, and chocolate peeps. its more like, panic attacks to bronchitis and depression. fun shit i say.

so there ya have it----
my recent passed (past ? )
in a nut case !

i miss y'all...
and i'll be baaaack ,
next time i set my alarm on a day i don't need to :))


Saturday, September 20, 2008

better than nothin?

no, i didn't have to hunt this one down. it's been on my playlist for a long time. just figured now would be a good time to post it, since i have nothin to say.
well.. except-- that for those who don't know-- i did attempt to catch up a little last night with some of y'all.. and actually fell asleep-- somewhere. i don't remember where-- but one of you does, :)-

so ya--- happy saturday folks--
i know y'all aren't stupid people. so yep-- i have some heavy shit goin down here on the homefront. and i can't discuss it here with you. there was a time that i would have freely blabbed it all over the place. but i have learned along this road of blogging, that what i don't own.. i can't give away.

but i do love and miss you all.. and one of these days, i will get my shit together and hopefully be back on the bloggin trail. i miss it-- i miss y'all. but i literally am either busy, gone, or exhausted... and when or if i do make it into these pages-- i'm more often than not-- on one type of med or another-- if not pain.. anxiety---or sleep. so forgive me if i have been an ass anywhere.

til next time..
be happy-

Friday, September 19, 2008

here's somethin new to look at

i caught you a delicious bass

ten a those--
and of course

the one that got away.

you wouldn't know it -- but y'all are on my mind every-day !!!
hope all is good with you in your worlds !

Monday, September 15, 2008

monday mumbles

lately THIS is me-

thinking about everything-- EXCEPT
what matters-
and so much so- it just makes my head hurt-

a week or so ago , i was ready to run away from home. again.
i felt like i had no other option to preserve my sanity.
or, what was left of it.
then someone that i love, more than anyone on this earth found themself in a crisis.
or six.
and i realized, that i could not leave that person.
or if i even tried, it would only make me go crazy.
and possibly them as well.

then i saw this pic- or quote-
and really-
it confirmed it.

and i realized, i couldn't ever leave this person. or their problems.
i couldn't pretend that what was happening wasn't happening.
because it was happening. and it was so very "in your face."
i couldn't run, i couldn't hide, and i had no idea how to fix it.
so i did the next best best thing.
i tried.
me and soulman did all that we knew how to do,
and we tried to fix the problem.
did we fix it?
who knows.
it's still in process.
it's no quick fix, that's for sure.
this one will most definitely take some time .
but we do have a foot in the door.
and i have a feeling that it's the right door.

at least i hope so.
well, WE hope so.

i know y'all love it when i go cryptic on ya.
i hope it's better than nothing at all tho.

well peeps-- i need to get going...
i'll be around later on...

i hope y'all are are doin well in your worlds.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

just sayin hi

hi peoples

sorry i haven't been around much lately. a lot has been goin on here, and i just haven't had time, or brain power to spend blogging. i have tried a few times, it just didn't work out. i'd try to post and end up deleting it after a two hours because it would make no sense. or i would spend time looking for pix to put up- and by the time i found any i liked i would be too exhausted to continue.
and those were the times i had time to try to post. other times i'd been gone, or sleeping, or just tryin to make it through the really has been hell week.

and i guess without runnin around in circles, sayin nuthin, i guess that's all i can say right now.

i just can't say much about this stuff right now.

talk to y'all later--

Sunday, September 7, 2008

shechokee she chokee=}


Hiya folks---

It’s still Sunday, -- well, it was when i wrote this-- but it's monday a.m. now- 5:35, to be exact. but I felt like writin. i Just didn't want to overtake soulmans’ post day. Looks like picking a weekend day was a bad idea. Weekends are always slow in blogland. I’m not too sure about you folks, but I was either gone, or asleep out here most of the entire weekend.

* side note- (seein as it is now monday, and not sunday-- when i say yesterday-- that would be saturday-- and of course today would be sunday... i spose if i get to a point that i acually speak of today--as in monday-- i'll just have to say monday.)

Yesterday I fished, slept, watched tv, and slept some more. i bet you wish you had my life?

And today was much of the same.

Except today I fished longer, got hotter, caught more fish, and slept less.

but you know-- nuthin good happened in the way of fishin, before a few "soul moments"

such as :

that's my finger-- literally stuck between the handle and the reel. for a while i wasn't sure i was gettin out of that--without callin hubby to come rescue

me. but , after several minutes of pain and perseverance , i prevailed-and escaped. it's cuz i'm me you know. stuff like that only happens to me, and y'all know it. :))

and yesterday-- wanna see yesterdays catch-o'-the-day?

this was actually off of two different casts--

the black thing? a six foot "zip up bag" of some type- has a handle- says pugg (somethin) on it-

ugh--- and a big ole branch- covered with moss and fishin line-- AND one of MY fishin rigs-- a hook, rotted plastic tube bait, tungstun weight, and glass bead.

yep- i saved the weight and bead--and kept the bag-

no idea what i'll do with the bag yet.

so friggin fun.

And today I actually got a nice fish.

this guy should be dedicated to jamie--perhaps i'll break my code of fishermans' honor, and package a few for her to grill up on one of her nicer days out there.

yes jamie, i'll clean em first :))

I haven’t pulled one like that outta the pond since it got hot out here. Well, not counting when they were hittin on jigs for a while. But then they just shut down for the longest time.

Except for the tiny little bastards. Soulman would catch some decent ones but I was just getting like six inch things. I was startin to get pissed. Well, today I just skipped over “my spot”, and traveled down to the opposite end where I almost never ever fish anymore, and I started catchin em once I moved away from the plastics and jigs, and used crankbaits and spinnerbaits—and voila.

this was the first for the day,

i was afraid they would all be like him, but out of three,

there were only two like that. :))

I don’t know what their deal is, but they decided they want crankbaits now. And that’s what I got all my fish for the last two days or three days on.. the same crankbait. I’m gonna cry when I lose it somewhere. I stole it from soulman on Friday – I guess. Hell maybe it was Saturday—had to be friday morning. When I got my first fish on it.

(which would be this wimpy guy)

it was brand new outta the package—when we started, but —after 2 fish— when we left-

I told soulman he had to get himself a new one, cuz this crankbait was now mine:))

and he let me keep it.

this, is a fish catchin machine !

Raine-- go getcha one-- :))

--hmmm, well, I think I’m mental.. I don’t know what day it was, but it wasn’t Saturday with soulman… I went alone on Saturday and today, so maybe it was friday morning before he went to work?

—but it doesn’t matter really. Does it? I can go mental alone right?

So anyhow—here’s some pix, for your viewing pleasure :))

And that my friends, is my weekend…

Oh—cept for these—this was Friday—after school---

Me and soulkid—she had to take some pictures for her photo journalism class, so we went to do that and here’s a few we took that day--

So, anyhow---

I just got all kindsa distracted because I went and cruised blogland for the last hour or so. Yes, spur of the moment like that. It happens sometimes. I seriously think something is wrong with my brain at times. I have no focus at all anymore. But that’s alright I reckon. At least that’s what everyone says. So whatever. I’ll just go with it. I don’t care anymore.

Do you—or y’all or whoever—realize, that in half a day—this day—half of it—i—by myself—without sharing—have managed to consume half—ok—more than half, of a package of frickin banana split oreos. That is just nothing short of wrong. Not to mention sickening. Seriously.. sickening. Gut wrenching, gag me , sickening. I don’t like sweet stuff. Yet lately I’m on some sort of sugar “something”. I eat it all the time . and lots of it. like for three or four days. Candy, donuts, oreos. WTF is up with that.? I bet I’ve gained five or ten pounds. It’s insane. I’m a fruit and veggie, and meat gal. unsweet tea, water, black coffee, that kinda thing. Occasionally I do the peanut butter m&m craving thing. I have gone completely overboard lately. If it was a drug, someone woulda locked me up by now. Crazy. If my pants zip tomorrow, I’ll be surprised . if they don’t, I’ll cry. But either way—I must stop with the sugar. Lest I explode.

Speaking of tomorrow--- it’s the beginning of a brand new week. I wonder what that means. I know that for some—in the soul crib—it could mean a lot. But I have no idea what that is, or could be, and I won’t, until Tuesday afternoon. It’s been over a week that I have had this feeling of not having control . it’s not good either. I feel like I don’t have control of what will happen, I don’t have any idea of what may happen, and the control I should have of what should happen.. doesn’t happen, so even there, I have no control. So? How do I handle my lack of control??? I don’t. That’s how.

I simply gave up on even trying. I did try. Til about maybe Saturday. Then I threw in the towel. And gave the hell up. To who? I do not know. The control gods I reckon. They can have it. they can have it all. and they can get back to me. They can just send me a fuckin memo. Cuz I’m done worryin about it. and everything else.

Al I do is worry about it, and sleep. Or try to sleep. Or sit and stare at the walls. Or my list. Sleep, write, worry, think. Repeat.

So. Anyhow. There ya go.

here comes Souls' head, in a box.

SATURDAY WITH SOULMAN (updated by soulman w/ answers)

arighttteee then----

saturday with soulman---
a day late--

Okay, so here goes… A look into my feeble mind. I am sure a lot of questions will be answered like the typical male. However I do think differently than some of my friends and also probably have some twisted ideals on why us men do the things we do. I will try to be as honest as possible and hopefully have some fun with us. My disclaimer is that it be fun and I do not want to get serious. I mean we all have different thoughts and ideals and I consider myself a strange individual at times. Heck if needed I can ask a group of guys at work to answer some simple questions to as we laugh at how nutty women are… haha just kidding.

From brad:

Where did you first meet Soul and what was your first impression?

This is easy, I met Soul in 1991 on a little island in the middle of the Indian Ocean called Diego Garcia also known as the footprint of freedom. Diego Garcia is owned by the British and it was a really beautiful place to be. However some considered it isolated duty because of its location in the middle of nowhere.

I had seen Soul a few places on the island and at work. I did not actually meet her until she was assigned to our work area. She repaired Jet Engines/parts and I repaired Structural aircraft parts. I think the first time I really talked to her she was painting a door. I just remember thinking she was cute and we started talking more at work and such. She helped me at work on different things and I helped her on a few things. We talked about different things in conversation. One thing lead to another and we ended up going out on a date of sorts… Guess who forgot their wallet??? Yup I did, our first date and I forgot my wallet and had to ask her to pay. Other than that I knew from just a few conversations that I really liked her. In fact it did not take long before I was in love with her. We just got along well and she was so easy for me to talk to. When she left the island quite a few months before me I was heartbroken but luckily we kept in touch and well… the rest is history and here we are some 17 years later.

From smocha:

In a couple days my spouse will be traveling about 4 or 5 hours to a town called Norwich.

He will be riding there with a few other guys . All of them are going there to evaluate some data center.

All excited, I said "ohh bring the camera!"

"They won't let me take pictures in there."

"Um, not the dumb data center, I mean on the way there. Who knows what you'll see."

His reply....."I am NOT looking like some stupid tourist in front of those guys!."

“Ok, here's my question. What is he thinking? What is the big deal, if a guy takes some pictures for his wife??”

Well, I know exactly how he feels. Guys feel foolish taking pictures unless they are around someone else taking pictures. Especially if the entire group is men.

I think in this case it is even weirder or goofier because he will be around people he is going to work with. Basically this is a business trip and if he starts taking pictures then they may think he is not here for business he is just here for a European vacation of sorts. We would not mind possibly if we were by ourselves but in a group of guys the camera will stay in the case. Around a group of guys at work it will never come out of the case. Work is work and cameras are not allowed.

Another take on this is that from young boys we are taught to act like we own the place or not be overly excited about new places because in some crazy way it is a form of weakness. So no offense Brad but this would be considered Gay.

From Mary:

Why do men stand side-by-side when talking instead of facing each other? I watch guys do this and it puzzles me.

Ahhh… haha see this is a simple case of women being to observant… A guy would not even notice this and I do not myself. But I think you are correct. Why do I want to look at my buddy or coworker while we are talking haha.

I think we are programmed from an early age to do this. Always walking somewhere and talking along the way, at work and at play we are normally walking as we go. I know at work I am always walking to go get things when talking so we are normally side by side walking and talking. If I go to a football game we are always walking along to get into the game so walking and talking side by side. At the football game we are sitting next to each other during the game and talking side by side. Fishing as a boy with my brother we sat side by side fishing and talking. Heck even if I think back to my younger years hunting with my Dad we sat side by side looking for deer so we are programmed this way.

Also, think back to the early days of man, hunting with the tribe… you can not be a hunter and provide for the tribe if you are facing fellow hunters. Into the 1900s with all the world war etc. We are programmed to be on watch sitting in a trench in World War II side by side watching for the bad guys to come shoot us.

Yes I believe it is ingrained upon us at an early age.

From Cheryl:

Question for Soulman: Don't you ever eat the fish you catch?

This is a sympathy question isn’t it? haha Well actually it depends on what type of fish it is.

Fish I have caught and eaten are as follows.

Crappie, Walleye, Trout, Salmon, Catfish, and White Bass (I do not like the flavor of white bass so I always let hem go now). I have also caught and eaten Wahoo and Tuna and Mahi-Mahi.

I do not eat any type of the green version of Bass. Black Bass, Smallmouth Bass and Spotted Bass always go back to the lake.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

did y'all get lost today??

cuz today was saturday with soulman day... and brad was the only one who showed up with a question... THANKS Brad ! whatta guy. souman wil, btw, answer your question. just decided to wait a while to see if any more questions rolled in, and guess what-- they didn't. :((
i told smocha that i deleted her email that asked a question, but she didn't resend it. sooo. hmmm. et's wait til tomorrow. if no more come in, soulman will answer yours. and i spose we'll call this litte game a flop eh?

hmm... anyhow--- my L key seems to be stickin.. and i'm not likin that too much.

other than that-- guess what i noticed ??? my a.m. post today? .. it was my 500 TH post. wow. that is a ot of frickin writin. otsa words. lotsa stuff in general i spose eh?

i wonder how many i would have if i dind't delete the other ones. i don't remember how many i dumped -- it was in the 300's or 500's tho. i'm stil sick about that. but oh wel.

anyhow my L key (it took 3 tries to make that work) stickin is pissin me off -- so i think i am goin now.

hubby got the UFC fight tonight but i think i'm gonna pass and go to bed.. just cuz i'm so damn fun that way.

out here in "soulland"

g'night peeps

a pinch of this a dash of that

guten morgen peoples--

here i am..
how are you--

i've been sittin here for a couple hours, doin nuthin really. or at least nuthin productive. i paid a couple bills, and i looked for a video that i wanted to post here-- apparently it doesn't exist. i found the lyrics, and i found the song-- but that just isn't the same, so - oh well. i just won't won't put it up. unless someday i decide to put the music to my own slide show someday. and actually, that doesn't sound like such a bad idea right now. i'm sure i have-- or could take , plenty of fitting photos for this particular song.

sooo, anyhow- today is saturday-- so if anyone has their questions ready-- or plan to send any for soulman-- get em in. he hasn't mentioned a deadline time-- and of course today is a day off, and he is asleep-- so i'm sure he'll be fine with a evening answer post for the questions. so, just try to get em in giving him time to get to a couple here and there, and not all at once--- k?

this oughtta be fun. i've been lookin forward to this all week.

speaking of all week-- we had also been looking forward to getting away this weekend-- to our timeshare-- but not "ours".. another "sales pitch BS thing. but we had the damn place confused with one that was close to ours-- which is only like an hour or so from here. well when hubby confirmed the reservations on thursday-- he was told it was one down by fricking Houston !!
when he told me that-- i was like -- oh hellno.
i refuse to drive that far. he said they'll charge 50 bucks to cancel. i said -- it'll cost more than twice that to go, and feel like hell. he agreed and canceled
-- and i don't think we're gettin charged. at least he said they didn't mention it.

OMG... i have a FLY that must be huge-- buzzing around my friggin head every three or four minutes.. i can't see it or catch it--and it is killin me. yes, only one-- not an infestation this time. no more rats in the attic. thank God.

i am so ready to move outta this house. but-- looks like we are too immature to have credit. instead of being grown ups with our improved credit status-- we screwed ourselves... and every month.. our score is lower-- and lower....UGH... *TEAR*
i'm tellin ya -- i need an accountant-- i do my best-- i just just don't put it where it should go i guess. the savings account is obviously not secure enough-- nor are the credit cards.
so -- tell me-- where's the next best place to put money to make it matter when it comes to raising a credit score-- cuz those two places are just too easy to dip back into when you are money addicts like we are.

soooo-- anyhow-- i don't mean to be neglecting y'all..again.
i do try to keep up in my comment box here-- i know it's not enough-- but really. my mind is in overload-- and the majority of the time-- it's actually stalled out.
poor already not right mind o' mind-- is being torn in literally ten different directions at the same time.. and i am havin a real hard time dealin with that-- so-- if you've noticed-- i'm sort of trying not to lately. in a way it's ok like that.
but it would be better--- if GUILT would leave me alone.
cuz i kinda was raised to believe that I come last.
and even though, i do have people telling me to just take care of myself, and not to worry about so much, and so many--
i still feel i have to. and i am not allowed to take care of ME.
there's always something i should be doing, always somewhere i need to be .
or should be. or even want to be.. but i "can't-- without struggling.
and i really hate it to be that way.
for me, and y'all, and my kid, and my husband, and everyone else who gives a damn.

there's so much goin on out here, that so few of you know about. that i know some of this is hard for you to grasp. just know that if it was "mine" to talk about-- i'd be more than happy to unload it, and move on... but 99 % of it -- isn't mine to share. and it's that 99 % that gets heavier and heavier by the day.

am i loyal?
or am i stupid?

whatever i am...

i think i'm goin fishin.
when i get back.. i shall clean my ratty ass up-and get a haircut--
when i return from that--
i hope i will have some soulman questions to forward to him to get goin on...
and i shall cruise and catch up with some peeps...
and then...
if i'm not exhausted and nap worthy--
i just might clean my kitchen--
haha, ya, i know .. :))

happy weekend everyone...

don't give up on me--
i'll be me again someday-- can't say i haven't been tryin. can ya??
i do try-- it just seems once i get to the point of being close to caught up--- somethin else kicks me in the teeth. ugh.

i hope you all have happy days in your worlds today

Thursday, September 4, 2008

thinkless thursday

(poorly edited)

well, looks like even when i got nuthin to say-- there's somethin to say. eventually.
but-- at this point-- i actually don't have the time i thought i was gonna have to say it in.

yep, just a few minutes ago--- i looked like this---

oh great-- now my pix don't wanna upload. dammit-- and like i said-- i don't have much time for this post--

so i shall add the pics later-- ugh.

anyhow-- that is if this thing works at all-- or if it doesn't decide to let me post em, before i'm done and do end up with time--


real quick...

you'd think, after a couple days without posting, i would have somethin to say-- well i don't-- or should i say-- i didn't. so i was sittin here, tryin to think, hmmm, what can i talk about--

so my mind wanders---as you know-- my mind wanders constantly anyways.
i think--
hmmm... for some reason... i thought of a few times i have been ripped off-- and some of the larger items, that i sometimes still think of today, or use as examples, or tell stories about when the conversation arises, you get the idea. anyhow-- yep-- i was gonna mention how---
"can't have nuthin"

but-- didn't get that far-- til now-- but my photos won't upload-- hmmm.

i think it was the white car

but this awful color

not my bin
but we had thousands in fishing gear stolen
and mostly only rods and reels recovered
we were happy for that
but still lost thousands of dollars :((

so then .. i was also gonna tell you about a couple food cravings i been havin lately-- one, i fulfilled-- but very disappointingly so-- last night.
it was fried okra--- BUT it was from a fast food joint-- UGH
it was disgusting.

i reallllllllly was imagining my aunts okra from arkansas-- that's the best shit ever-- and i can't cook it like that. i just wanted it to be that way-- and when i got what i got i just wanted to puke... but i ate it-- and really -- it was awful.

the other craving?
donuts. yes again. and still i sit here unsatisfied.
soul must get a donut. asap-
i have a pic-- but it may have to added later.

there it is.
kinda cute eh?

in fact i know it will-- i really need to dressed and actually be driving right now-- but am i ?
obviously not.
and why???
well that would be because
my darling soul-kid missed the school bus-- and just as i began to post--- she walked in the door with a
"please don't kick my ass" look on her face.
sooo-- we all know what this means -- right?

no-- i didn't kick her ass...

but i sure didwant to, -- but did not-- say :

yep i need to get her butt to school before she's late-- this school doesn't mess around with "tardies"
what a stupid word. i have always hated that word....even when i was in school
it's just stupid.

so anyhow
i must go

i guess i have to polish this post up a bit on my return , cuz i have other crap to do, that i may as well get a start on while i'm out. after all--- at least half the crap should be fisnished already :

happy days to y'all

off i go ...

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

some random crap o' the day

happy un-holiday to you----

it's kind of a holiday to me today. even though i have a lot of crap i need to do today. such as all the chores around the house i neglected over the weekend-- due to some unexpected -- well, for lack of a better term.. Bullshit-- that came up a couple days ago. in fact all my "productive" weekend plans came to a screeching halt. i didn't even mail my rent, which has always been in my landlady's hand before the end of the month-- and this time-- the check hasn't even been written, much less mailed. ugh.

i feel so worthless when i do nothing like this-- but it's times like this that when i push myself too hard , that stuff like seizures and other unexpected medical issues decide to arise lately. so i chose to just take it easy. well, as easy as i could. mainly meaning physically. mentally/emotionally.. whole different ballgame .

see -- i can't even think straight-- how the hell am i supposed to pay bills and get in anyway organized around here??? this crap is all over the place. seems so anyhow.

so anyhow-- soulkid rode the school bus this morning. hahahahaha. first time since kindergarten. even though it's been in the planning since last year, it almost feels like a punishment-- on both ends i think. after driving her for so long, it just seems strange. but i like it. i'll still have to get up, to make sure she is awake on time, but i don't have to get dressed or face morning traffic hell... any-mo ! i really love that idea. and the walk to the bus stop for her isn't as far as i thought it was at first. it's only a few blocks, not half a mile like i thought. it might be a five minute walk for her, so i think she'll survive. i sure as hell walked further in my day--- in fact, in high school in colorado-- i'd shower before school, leave with wet hair-- and a few times, after a one mile walk--- arrive at school with ICE in my hair. so i better not hear her whine about this. of course i will though. but that's just too bad. miss big bad freshman. :))

hmmm... that's about it for now i think.
i gotta get my day started -- doing what? not too sure at this point. my main pressing thing, is getting my bills paid, and or in the mail. after that-- i may- or may not clean and do laundry.
if i decide against that-- i might just break in my new fishin license. i'm just not sure right now.
but after a weekend like the one that just passed-- fishin may just win out over the chores.
afterall, there's always tomorrow--- right.
and isn;t that why God made crock pots, and paper plates??

hope y'all have happy days out there in your worlds--- i'm workin on it--- as usual.

Monday, September 1, 2008

spreadin what i'm lovin and hatin on lately

yep-- it's a lovin and hatin on kinda day--
ummm, well...
just cuz---
cuz why?
cuz i got nuthin better-- that's why----

nah, not lovin- or hatin my cats-

just more like attempting to keep my own moods in check--
but failing - miserably.
as i search for the happy medium while the pendulum swings by - and by again
the balance line.
seeing only stress, and anger.

yet finding THIS-
on my list of lovin ons

"the Aquapod"
becomes a new found love.
call me easy to please-
but it is a mini bottle of water..
about 11 oz.
but it is sooo small-
it's the cutest damn thing i ever seen!
well, since the baby coke cans.
i always find myself undable to finish a whole can of coke or bottle of water-
then i'm too chintzy too throw it away- than i end up drinkin a 12 hour or one day old hot flat old half empty something.
only cuz i didn't wanna throw it out.
so i find the mini portions and just fall in love with em !
course they never last around here like they should-- even when we have the normal sized of everything--
just cuz everyone else thinks that they're just so darn sweet, they just like to play with them. that they'll drink three or four at time , just to play house with em, that they never last like they would if only i drank em. so i don't really save the money that i plan to by buying them. but they are very cute- and would be prefect for the small belly or for a baby. if you could keep the curiosity of the rest o the bunch away from from em ! and actually use em for the smaller appetite. erg.

oh here's another lovin thang--
for those of you stockin up your soulman questions--
i found these invitations online-- i spose they will be the official invitations we will use for saturdays with soulman:

(saturday with soulman-
next saturday-)

and seein a s i know nothin about photoshop or photo editing-- this is how they have to stay-- and y'll can just use your imaginations--
(i'll work on em)

know what else i found recently that i fell in love with?
it really sounds odd and a bit gross at first:
but THESE!



and my soulman-

ok... let's move on to some hatin thangs!


i sleep too much at the very wrong time !

same here-
thinkin when i shouldn't
and not thinkin when i should-
times like these i just wanna sleep for a week!

"sleep smokin"
or worse-
havin your picture taken WHILE sleep smokin.
for some reason i thought it was in my hand--
this is even worse-
not only is it still burnin--imagine it fallin on my chest or neck?

let's just top it off
with a general statement-
to include
everything else!

to end on a brighter note--

l (ove)
y (ou)
all my blog-peeps
have a happy , eatin-chillin labor day!