Thursday, October 21, 2010

just babblin

mornin peeps.  well, looky there- i spose it aint mornin anymore is it?  time sure does get away from me these days.  maybe bein non-functional the first hour or so of the day can do that. (waitin for pain meds to kick in).  by then again, i'm doin my business stuff-- bills, banks, etc.  then i start cruisin on face-book, checkin blogs, = when i can- who i can, you know the drill.  then hell, before i know it -- it's half a day gone with the wind.  at least it usually isn't a total waste though.  i do accomplish things, as i wait to be mobile. 

anyhow-- enough of that.  whatever 'that' was. 

i was so happy this morning when i checked my calender-- y'all know , without my shedoole i would be totally lost.  i have no memory.  so when i looked at it this morning-- it was blank for today!  woo hoo!  my exhausted ass can stay home and do nuthin.  well, at least nothin that requires much movement or energy.  :))  i really do need a day of rest.  even tho it would be in everyone's best interest for me to take my child -- yeh, i know - she isn't a child anymore-- but she will always be my 'baby'... to get her damn drivers license today. 

 i refuse to face people and crowds, and grouchy government jerks again today tho.  i may- and should - work with her on her parallel parking tho. i've told her for two or three days we would do that- but she- and y'all know the days have escaped us both.  so.  once we get her good at that - we shall get her to the DMV (DPS-for some).  not sure if you know this.. but i am the queen of parallel parking :)) -- i will admit , i am a little concerned about my neck in teaching her-- guess since it'll be in the front of the house-- between two garbage cans -- i can get a few pills in me , and hopefully not feel too bad.  for a while at least.
today is my moms birthday.  she's in Heaven.  i really believe that.  as a person.. here with us?  i never thought she'd get there.  that's not true.  i guess i always believed she would.  but i never thought she deserved it.  i guess i just believe in a forgiving God.   and a lot of what harm she caused others in life -- she had no real control over.  she was one sick woman. 
anyhow-- that's that i reckon.  i am thinkin of her today.  have been for a few days.  the image burnt in my mind is a 'photo' that me and my sister had a nurse take of us with her -- at the nursing home she died in.  not long before her death.  she looked really bad.. but she had a few moments that knew who i was... and she cried when she asked and i confirmed that i believe in God and that i pray.  to her -- i think -- in that answer - she knew she was forgiven.  (by me).   at least i hope that what she heard.
she also told me she was not afraid to die.
in a morbid way -- maybe?  that was the most peaceful ten or twenty minutes i had spent with my mom -- in our entire life together. 
but to clarify my relationship- and feelings - respect- etc - for my mom? even in death?  this last june when i went to the cemetery- where many of my family - my boys included - rest... i sat on her grave with my daughter, and we spoke about her - and other things and losses there... i smoked a cigarette-- without thinking, i put the cig out on the base of her headstone.  without a second thought - i got up to walk away.... my kid, my sis, and 'vicki'  all three did have somethin to say -- my sis picked up the butt (behind me - but i figured she would - she told me later)  ...  i don't know why i told you that -- but i did.  there is so much to our relationship - i could never describe it in full, to make any one with a soul understand it.  either side of it.  but it was one -- that molded my life, and probably -- no, undoubtedly, everyone who has entered it.  possibly in a negative way.
so yeh.. happy birthday -- queen earlene.. gran gran.. mom.   and thanks for the memories.

--- sorry - i just type-- i can't help what ends up on the page.
*just love meh*