Sunday, October 7, 2012

i'm tryin

holy hell people.  it has been a helluva road this passed weeks -- maybe even months.  some of you know that.  i might even go as far as to say it's been a tough year.  but i will also say that things are lookin up.  it took a lot to get to the point i'm at now.  it isn't an easy place.  it is a place of readiness.  that's all.  just a place where i have realized some stuff.  what stuff?  well, that i am an asshole.  i really need y'all to point that out sometimes.  especially the times that i push y'all away.  i almost ruined my life here lately.  in a very real way. 
i always thought and said that i could turn my back and never look back----  maybe i could do that.  maybe not.  i almost found out.  in the process ?  i hurt the most important people in my life.  i also lost myself while doing it.  in a very real way.  i'm physically still here -- spiritually lost.. and  a mess. but i'm workin on it- and seeing improvement this passed few days.. it's a lot of work to find a map that  has a compass for all these places to come together again.
 the human spirit -- is a complex thing.  especially mine.  i love so many people.  on such a deep level... it honestly gets confusing .  i am confusing in my own right.  add my issues .. and no tellin what ya get.   soul cocktail?
you all are some very special folks.  you have hearts of gold.  many of you have been here for years, and dealt with me, and my crazy heart for years.  that is called unconditional love.  i never mean to push you away.  but i always do mean to come back...and i am never far away.  i am always right here.  and i never stop thinking about you.  what goes through my mind when i do 'go away'?  ---- that i am messed up'... too messed up to be un-judged-/  

someone said to me once about another bi-polar person...  'blank is fucked up'...  that person was NO worse off than me.  blank has a mood disorder.  and has had losses in their life, and that is hard to deal with sometimes.  this person was - in this other persons 'judgement'  - fucked up' -- in a nutshell.
at that moment -- i think i changed my entire attitude about who i am.  that was a long time ago.   it made me feel judged.  by everyone.  it made me feel like i need to be reassured that i'm ok.  and NOT f'd up. 

well... i think i know 'now' .. in my recent world obliteration... and reconstruction...   it was that persons own -- f'd upness -- -- that person must be judgemental about others to feel ok about their own world.     because it wasn't just one person they judged.  that person was downright mean about many people.   

so if anyone wants to judge me -- look at your own self first -- cuz i have a good world -- and i have too many wonderful friends in it to even feel judged --- y'all need to come kick my ass when i run away -- please -- do that.  the person i am talkin about is prolly readin this right now.  maybe judgin me too.  and i don't care.    i DO care that i'm makin my comeback.. and i am gonna be ok.  
pain, issues, and all.....  because i have the best friends evah !!!

and they love me unconditionally -- i am learning that..  i have a ways to go -- but i'm makin it.

my first step is to stop takin life and people too damn seriously.  myself included.  geesh.  i have a bad day - and think the world is ending.  ugh. 

shit happens and people react.  correct?  it's ok to get angry.  it's ok to cry.  it's ok to have feelings.  emotions do not make me crazy.  why i feel crazy when i have a feeling is beyond me.  why i feel 'judged ' or abandoned over stupid stuff -- i do not understand.  but -- i am starting things over as of now. 

hello,  welcome to my blog... folks call me soul--- 

i hope you have a happy day in your world today -- i am tryin