Thursday, March 26, 2009

how long is this gonna go on????

mornin peoples. i hope you are all sleeping right now. i'm obviously not. i thought i would be. and i prolly should be, but it loos like i'm up for the day. and oh lordy-- look at the time--- it's 3:33. not paranoid tho. "very supersticious"..lalala.

anyhow, i also woke up at 10 ish. then i think again around 1230 ish, then i woke up the last time around 3 something. that's when i deemed myself screwed, and just got up and made some coffee. headache anyways. coffee usually helps that. unless its a migraine. so, i'm hoping.
it's one of those "creeper headaches".. that crawls up the back of your neck and into your head. ooowww.
i can't like it!

i sat down here in my chair pretty early last night--for me anyhow. it was about 930 or so. i had just done some bills and business stuff-- that of course i was behind on.
then i had to hit a few blogs. or at least try to. but i'm not even sure i made it to any. or maybe many. i guess i hit a couple. i know i tried--key word being tried--- to answer some comments here in the below post--- thinking i could get caught up at least here. then try for your places tomorrow. well, tomorrow being today now.

are you wondering if i got caught up? well of course you know it did not. not even close. i had a helluvatime just trying to answer my own comments! i managed to get through two posts==TWO. much less comment on anyone elses. and even then, i couldn't guess how many times i fell asleep typing, and had to correct the typo hell. ugh. i even have a sleep-email floatin around somewhere. i kept falling asleep writing it...and now it's gone. the thing was gibberish typo hell in a black hole.

it was bad, but ya gotta give me credit for tryin. i'll try again today too. to catch up i mean. it bothers me when i don''t answer you folks back. or make my rounds.
i know how i feel when i don't get replied to-or visited. i hate to make any of y'all feel that way. i sure don't mean to. it's just life these days. sorry.

ya know? - i was busy before-- when i blogged as a career. i still managed to keep up. wth happened? perhaps it changed when i quit takin the laptop to bed for one. --for the most part i spose after i started burnin stuff, falling asleep smokin. everywhere. :+{. the bed , the carpet, my keyboard. ugh that has pretty much stopped though, - (at least the burnin of stuff. but it seems everything else here has too. stopped, i mean.

i try to be productive...and clean up around the house, and have a life, like fishing-or reading books, decorating, getting organized,runnin errands. i've even been attempting to do my taxes ---- for weeks. many times, i get sidetracked, and stare off into space, or go fishin, or if it's dark-- i'll sort papers or fishing tackle. stuff that doesn't really need done. just something distracting to DO.

then i'll try to post, and/or comment, etc. i just don't have it in me . i've lost my mo jo- not my mojo for y'all.. just in general. for anything that requires any type of thinking or creativity. i really am quite busy ; people just don't think so. shit, i open my calendar--and i get overwhelmed just lookin at all the writing and highlighted upcoming "stuff". for me to add a to do list to the scheduled appointments, meetings , soulkid visits , bills, taxes, etc... then "try to" - grocery shop and clean and cook--- and blog --- and sleep- and have a life--daily, or at least close to it? fughetaboutit. --- it's almost simply undoable. it IS undoable. at least for the passed many months. or so it seems.

there's no one to blame. if it's not my health, or schedule, it's someone else here's health or schedule. if it's not someone here-- it's something else coming up outta no where. saa like a seizure, or a blood clot, or a psyche admit, or being too braindead from lack of sleep to attempt to be seen or interact in public. it just aint happenin.

soulman has been cooking for quite some time. seems i gave that up a year ago! i even broke down and finally bought a couple bar stools---- my plan was that i might be able to sit on one and cook... so that i wouldn't get so sore and weak standing in there cookin for half hour or an hour. . did it happen? not once. i have cooked a few times-- but easy stuff-- like " slam and cram"-= slam it into the oven and cram it in your mouth :))

but anyhow, we were going out to eat a lot...entirely too much in fact. if not every night, it was almost every night--- for way too long.
we grew sick of it. it never takes long to get tired of outside food---or its prices-- and we just couldn't continue. not only had it begun to affect soulmans weight and energy level-- it actually attacked mine. it is sooo unhealthy. and expensive. and stupid. i never have understood how outside/restaurant food could be so much different -- meaning more fattening and unhealthy--- than food cooked at home. it tastes the same-- looks the same-- many times is cooked the same. what the hell is different??? why does a person gain weight-- eating even one meal a day out-- much less two or sometimes three? even hospital food hasn't stopped Me from exploding.
think about my poor family.
i'm sure my meds changing so often in the last few months hasn't helped me. med changes like that alone can pack on a quick fourty pounds for some people. then when ya add crap food, and lack of mobility.... well-- you're lookin at some MORE health issues.

i imagine one of the differences of home food vs. outside food- is theirs has to have extra "preservatives and crap etc" in it. wouldn't ya think? to keep it "fresh" longer. i mean right from the manufacturer-- even before the establishment has a chance to heighten its lack of quality.

salt alone is a preservative. so restaurants have higher sodium levels. they have to make money---so they buy the low quality meats and veggies--- like the train and truck wreck food scraped off the highway. and the cooks , and staff don't give a shit if ya gain five hundred pounds-- so they don't prepare it healthily-- like draining off fat-- or rinsing vegetables properly. or any number of things.

hell-- just think about all the nationwide e-coli, food poisoning, and other food re-calls there have been in the last couple of years. this is what "we" rely on to sustain our lives around here? and on top of that, we pay three times the amount we should for it. ridiculous.

sooooo-- soulman got fed up one day recently-- of course we still get a meal in a pinch out there if we have to-- but it isn't daily-- and surely not more than once in a day. anyhow-- he put his very large crocks clad foot down. :)) - and decided if he had to , he would cook meals, and wash dishes. if i didn't have the strength or gumption... he would muster it. cuz the shit had to stop.

he has been doin really well. he even went on a diet a week or two ago. as of a couple days ago? he has lost 7 and a half pounds in less than 2 weeks-- maybe even one week. it hasn't been long at all. it is thru a program/contest at his work.. The Biggest Loser competition. at weigh in the other day-- he had lost the most weight so far of the others. he was stoked. not just cuz he's happy or proud for losing weight--- he's just a very competitive guy. it's like he needs to win. he hates to lose. at anything. he is very serious about this too. he has cut out bread, sugar, and carbs. he even carb counts. i am proud of him. he could be sittin here continuing to self destruct--- kinda like me-- but he chose to do something healthy with his stress. he chose the right place to go with it. i don't know how long the competition is... but he has a helluva head start-- and i think he could continue on his own... if he chooses to when it's over.

plus---- if he loses the most weight? he wins some "cash money". not sure how much; it isn't a lot , but a nice chunka change. 100-200.00 maybe. can ya tell i'm just a little bit proud of him? he has been unhealthily overweight for years. this is really good for him. for all of us really. soul jr. and i have worried about him for a long time, health wise due to his weight. and with all the stress of this last couple years? he is at heart attack level. not good.

sooooo, how bout my "prayer chain links" out there toss up a few words to the Man... to keep motivating our soulman. eh?

and while your at it? my little girl needs some prayers too. mainly to lose her craving for drugs and alcohol... and get her life back on track while she's still young. like now. one more use could be her last. if she keeps goin -- she's gonna die.

she "accidentally" overdosed the weekend before i admitted her into rehab this last time. i had to take her to ER before rehab would admit her. i hadn't been so scared in a long time. i had NO idea that she was using so much that weekend. in fact--- i had no clue she was usin at all. my gut said she was... but my heart wouldn't listen. and she was steelin it from me. outta my LOCKED gun case--- she managed to break into it , and she had taken only God knows how many pills, of various types.
i know of xanax, and ambien... on top of who knows what else? and i mean lots of it. she took so much i couldn't really even estimate. had to be at least 50 xanax, and maybe ten to twenty ambien... plus whatever else. all of that over only a couple of days.

ugh. i can't even talk about that anymore--- just please pray for my family's health and safety. with my own health being the way it is has been hard enough for us to deal with--- we cannot all just hang around and wait for one of us to be taken by what ails us. this family needs healing; with our health, and our family issues. and ya know? -- we need spiritual help too. it's hard to be close ---or have a strong faith in God-- who (seemingly) has put us here for the past many years. it's like he just sets us up and shoots us off the fence post time after time.

(but yes, i am aware-- as are y'all... that he pulls us through every time.)
it's just that "this time"--i'm not feeling any stronger, and neither is soulman. usually, we get back up , brush ourselves off and move on down the road. sometimes feeling stronger for it--and or closer to each other, and to God. but it's all really a struggle this time. all the way around.

but-- enough of that. in fact-- enough of this--- i can't even see anymore--- that was a lot of writing, oops. sorry.

i hope you all have happy days with lots of blessings to you and yours!