no turnin back now is there? here we are , january 3rd, 2010.
i wrote my first check with the new year on it yesterday-- and i was shocked to see that i didn't mess it up. it seems ever since i began writing checks-- that first one-- if not the first three or four, end up with the wrong year on em. then they end up a scribbled mess. at least til i get used to the year i am in at that moment. so. in that regard, yesterday mornings bill paying quest went fairly smooth. told ya i'd get to it. :))
i was also pretty happy to have money left after one of my biggest outflow bill days of the month-- mortgage, utilities, etc-- you know. that one and the end of the month where two cars and like 5 credit cards get paid.. ugh. usually we're broke for a while, that's why i put those bills off til i just can't wait any longer to pay them. even though, in my mind, i know we can't touch that money-- it just makes me feel more secure, just knowing that it's 'there'. anybody else understand that? i don't really understand it myself-- i've even gone so far as to pay bills late-- just so i could 'have' the money. not to spend it-- just to 'see' it.
i know. you might be a poverty ptsd patient if: (dot, dot, dot)
anyhow-- after i paid the bills, we decided it was way past time for a big grocery day, as were were once again out of every-thing. so we decided, to shop on base. i am still thrilled that i found out we can use the commissary -- i swear we saved two hundred bucks yesterday--- ehem-- that doesn't mean i didn't almost have a coronary at the checkout as it was. OMG. i was in such shock at the end price-- i forgot to get my cigs-- we had to go back after we left. luckily i remembered before we even got off the base-- but it was still a pain in the ass. cuz by then, i was in such pain i was about to cry. i was limping, and bitchin, and hurtin, and all i wanted was to get out of the public eye so i could take a pill-- ok two. yes it was that bad.
but it was all good. i was still able to feel blessed- rather than ill, over the money we spent. i know the kinda money we saved-- and when things like that happen, even in regular stores, and the price is high like that--- i begin to get all worried about money, and 'feel my blood pressure go up' -- but it only takes a moment for me to remember that it wasn't very long ago-- that it wouldn't be that much time before i would be wondering what i had to get home and go sell before the money cleared the bank. now i feel very blessed before full panic sets in. that we aren't rushin out sellin stuff-- or goin to the food bank to eat for that next day, and wondering where the next days meal will come from.
so it was good. and we were together. i haven't shopped with all of us, in quite some time. i passed that torch about a year ago. maybe more.when my legs and low back got so bad i could barely walk or stand... it was just all over with. for me , i mean.
soulman had to take on a huge load at home that he didn't have before.
me with not only night blindness, and a neck that don't work--- now my legs didn't want to work. and y'all wonder where the guilt comes from?
he got the taxi duty-- and kitchen duty. and cooking duty. and a lot of other 'duties' that were mine for years before that. duties that 'identified ' me. now who am i? that was/is the question. it's literally degrading at times.
it wasn't right-- but it couldn't be helped. earlier on in this blog- y'all remember all my talk about meals i would cook, fishin every day, other things i'd do.
agoraphobic and all. i did manage to do things to keep the household held up, and also to keep myself healthy-- well-- as healthy as i could ya know-- i at least learned to get outside- and get fresh air, and sunlight, and some exercise--
YES-- fishin is TOO exercise :))
but now? this passed year? (or so) i let all that go. i succumbed to the pain in a way i regret to my core. i really wasn't as depressed this year as i have been in many past... but i let the pain or fear of it control my life. that makes me feel a way i can't even describe to you. chronic pain really can change a person. every thing , every bit, of who they are-- who they want to be-- who they think they are. who they think they deserve to be.
the end result isn't good. well-- whenever the person feels they've reached 'their end'
i should say.
and when i mentioned that i had things i wanted to change this year-- that's exactly what i was talkin about. i will not succumb to the 'fear' of the pain this year. if i at least attempt something-- and it comes to be too much-- that's one thing. but this hiding at home-- denying myself sunlight , and fishing, and things that make me happy-- because it-- might-- hurt me. that's just stupid... and depressing.
like yesterday-- i sooo didn't want to go to the base-- i knew i would be on my already pain ridden legs for hours-- but i went. and even though it hurt-- i didn't die from it-- and i did enjoy the being out-- as much as i could at least. same goes for new years eve. 1st night out of the house on NYE in 15 years. it would be sooo damn easy to talk myself out of that. not this year. i'm facing my pain. facing my fears. and gettin a life. dammit.
soulman teared up the other night talking about how hard it is and has been for him to watch me be in pain all the time. and to not fish or go places. it made me feel awful for him. it isn't his fault, and he has done a great job picking up the slack of what i haven't been able to do this past year.
i have heard of marriages breaking up for these types of reasons-- cuz one side or the other didn't understand what the other was dealing with. soulman understands what i deal with, as best he can. and he takes care of the things that i can't. without resentment.
for richer for poorer-- yup-- been there, done that.
sickness and in health-- done that for more time than not.
we do good together-- and besides that- no one else would put up with either of us. :))
i'll push myself harder this year, and hopefully do more than even i think i can. or want to attempt.
soulman is goin back on his diet-- oops - he gained half of the 51 pounds he lost last year-- but i know he will lose it all and more this time around. it's another contest-- and he's the type of guy who just HAS to win. :))
soulkid didn't say much-- but better grades, better friends, and staying clean was in there -- so i think those are some pretty good and mature goals for a kid her age.
i sure didn't give a hoot about any of that when i was her age.
so- there ya have it-
that's the last time i'm talkin about new years bs.
it's all wrapped up with the rest of 2009 now-- and up in the attic it goes.
except -- one more thing--
someone come take these damn cats of my porch!
oh ps--- i think i forgot to bitch about the migraine i woke up with at 333 a.m.
i'll spare you--- but i thought it would never go away. it finally did tho. phew! and it only took three hours. bleh. i'm all better now though- so, carry on. :))