Saturday, January 17, 2009

saturday soul-babble

i was overdue for a post anyhow.
great-- the mysterious underlining again.
oh goody it stopped. :))

anyways, as i was saying --

charli left a comment on the below post -- if you haven't read her blog, she , like several others of us, lives with a chronic illness. i almost said 'struggles with'. but i'm really gettin kinda tired of that particular phrase. no matter how you want to word it.. you still end up exhausted, but i think i'm beginning to like the term , 'battle chronic illness/pain' -- rather than struggle with it.
perhaps it just sounds less defeating that way. or maybe it's just me.

so. (distracted much?)

as i read what charli had to say, my mind went in ten different directions. of course, when does it not? but, it got a bit long, so i moved it over here. i had written a post earlier this morning; at like 230, but i didn't post it. obviously. i wrote that thing for hours. literally. i bet it would have filled a full chapter in a book. i didn't know a blog post would hold so much. i wrote from 230-something, until after 9 a.m. -- with a maybe half hour or so break in there somewhere. but still. that's a lot of writing. BUT-- when i went back through it ... i kept deleting, or editing, cutting, and pasting. it was a total whirlwind of ..... well. crap. perhaps stuff i needed to write-- and at the same time-- i am glad i had the sense not to post it.
i think that was the first time i have written in a frenzy like that, and even proof-read, much less edited a post. especially to only file it in the end. what a waste of time. mainly of the stuff i deleted and cut out. if i had at least saved those parts-- it would be good notes for my book that i will prolly never write :))

ok-- i'll shut up-- here's some --- stuff to read. :))


Charli said...

You're funny even when you describe tragedy.

People tell me "You look sick" all the time. I hate it.

Somehow though, what I hate more is the "You don't look sick! You look great!" - even though I feel like death. I'm not in the f'ing mood to hear about how cute I look in my new shoes. Does that make me mean?

Anyway. Good post.


charli-- hi again,

i'm sure you do hear that a lot. and i too, get both.
i think it's somethin like -- when "they worry about you " they want you to know they "see it". and they know that you really are sick, and don't feel well.

then other times... usually when you are workin too hard -- or pushin yourself-- usually for "them", and maybe they feel guilty for not 'noticing'..or maybe not helping. perhaps, even for asking of you..that's when the "compliments" come. 'oh you look good'. hmmm, the color is back in your face, you look nice. or, maybe even the ole - ' i know that was hard for you, but you were a trouper today'.

oh then of course there are the days that 'they' just flat out don't want to -- or can't deal with any of it -- an that's when you become 'invisible.' or in my case a lot of the time -- make myself , invisible.

so-- to answer your question charli-- no, it doesn't make you mean. at all. it makes you human. a chronically ill human, who gives too much.. to a world with their 'i can't handle sick people' --- but you're different selves -- there to suck you dry. and to leave you alone when it's your turn to need some help.

but no worries, they'll be back... when you "look better"-- or maybe "you should get out" today.

hmmm... sorry... looks like i'm the mean one today.

stay sweet girlie.
thanks for comin by-
i hope you have a happy day. what's left of it.