Saturday, March 10, 2012

i shouldn't post right now -

but i will anyhow.  for two reasons. 1 = cuz i said i would on face book. and the response was that y'all want me to.  and 2 = i usually do what y'all want me to.  :))  nah - well, i do write when ya want me to, to check in, or whatever.  this time, i am gonna write , cuz i need to, cuz ya want me too and cuz it's just time .  i don't want my blog to go stale - again.  the thing is -- about writing now - at this moment - or even - this period of time..  is i am still a 'soul-mess'.  i can't keep up with things going on around - or to me.  i know all the quotes, and affirmations.  i do.  i attempt to use them, and i end up abusing them.  i feel weak at times feeling that i don't know how to  apply them in my life anymore.
this is becoming to bore me to death ! WTH am i even saying?

this is THE worst part of this blog anymore. i thought it was me - well, it is me, obviously.  over whatever period of time, i have begun to not let myself be the me y'all used to know.  the spit it all out here and y'all decide how you would deal with it.  now - i hold too much back.  i try to too much to myself, yet still try to have you understand things.  i know that will never work.  i reckon that's why i don't write as often as i did before.  cuz if i don't share honestly here - it only leaves bullshit on these pages i guess.


i can't do that anymore.  i have thought of not blogging- decided i didn't want to stop.  so i pop in now and again - with hopefully just the good parts.  i hope it's working out for y'all.  but it isn't doin me any good.

i still have a pretty much non existent world, inside four walls.  my main focus remains on the soulman and the soulkid.  both of whom have big things happenin in their worlds.

soulkid - for instance -  the big plan around here for some time was to get her to Austin later this month to audition for X-Factor.

 soulkid and soulman 2011 X-FACTOR

 we decided that i would take her down there since soulman was facing foot surgery again - and didn't want to use any vacation time if he didn't need to.  my fear (s)?  pain.  embarrassing her.  101 real or imagined emotional, mental, and physical, fears, and stressors.  but mainly real. any several arguments and hurtful comments arose from the thing.  before it even came to pass.  first, we decided we would all 3 go - but-finally it came to a family consensus, that her dad would take her with only him. it would be less stressful for everyone. but mainly soulkid and of course she was the most important in this whole matter.

in the meantime -- there is also talk of
summer vaction - cha-ching! (July -orlando and jacksonville )

and -

 soulkids prom/prom-dress- chac-hing! - ( april sumthin)


soulkids 4 wisdom teeth comin out - cha cha ching! 2/27

she can hate me - that pic cost 800.00  :))

THEN --- two or three  days ago soulkid says --- "i don't want to audition for X-FACTOR !!!  WHAT?!
nope, i want an upright bass instead, with that money.   ok fine.  been there - done that - it's all about TV.  i don't need to do it again."

which -- to be honest,  i think is a better idea, in the long run...  but could i have lived a much more solace many weeks without all the negativity that came along with planning, rescheduling, and feeling like the the most useless mom in the world? uhhh that would be a hell yah.

soulkids 18th birthday - cha- ching ! 3/9 - we won't go there - but it's a healthy chunk with a bass

can y'all believe it?  she's 18 !
and it was a really good day for all - especially her - and that's what matters most !

soulmans foot surgery - cha-ching! 3/14

can we say MF'N OWIEEEE
this one round one - 11-2011
who cares the cost- just fix it ! right?

so -- let's go on to the soulman and his foot surgery.  want a sample?  as if the first time wasn't bad enough.  it was torture for him.  i'm a good nurse. i think i am a real good mind reading nurse.
except for the night two days after his surgery when he was supposed to be NO weight baring - and got up to declare war on the dishwasher- and in the long run - caused his foot more problems than good.
i would have been more than willing to get him a glass of water that night - instead - between sushi and the dishwasher -- the pin in his toe - was bent way deep in his foot - when he bumped it on the dishwasher -- all the guy wanted was a drink of water.

his new surgery is scheduled WEDNESDAY 3-14 !  scary as hell.  and not just a couple weeks of no weight baring -- guess how many?  as many as EIGHT WEEKS !  yeh that's worst case scenrio... but he's a big guy - if it's gonna heal right this time - he better follow dr's orders this time.  if she says OFF your feet- he better stay the hell of that foot ! oh ? best case? maybe 4 weeks off his foot - more like 6.. worst could be 8 weeks.. on crutches!

we have seen this comin for a few months - but it just got kinda in your face scheduled on i think wednesday?  just a few days ago.  not only did he have probs with his foot last time -- he was terribly ill for 3-4 days from the anesthesia alone. he was puking and couldn't breathe - it was scary. and it was very bad for him.. for weeks. he had so many problems with pain and swelling.  i felt horrible for him. and there wasn't really anything I could do.

more cha - chinging?

paying off my january back surgery - cha-ching 3/6
fixing soulkids car - cha ching!
fixing 'the jeep '  cha ching
smog testing/registering both of those ugh
selling one of them  kill me
--- but no vehicle can be fixed, or dealt with --- until soulman has recovered from his foot surgery --- so all the vehicle crap is stalled for - forever. i took them off the insurance yesterday.

and ya know what?  i don't even wanna add my cry babiness anymore -- i'll save that part for tomorrow-  if ya want - but it made me cry.  seems that i cry more than i care to admit lately... but - less than i was for a while.