Monday, May 7, 2007

ok, here i am, happy?

well, i'm not. at least not as happy as i would like to be anyways. and i really don't know why. i mean i just had a great little getaway with my family, i really enjoyed that. i got to fish, i didn't have to cook, i barely had any responsibility at all. no driving. no paying bills, no computer, or phone, no taking or picking up the kid from school, no time restraints, no nuthin. i did whatever the hell i wanted to do. the worst thing that happened was i turned 41. big deal.
after that i came home to real life. bills, school, responsibility, chores, guilt for lack of completing chores and errands, appointments, animals, ugh, the animals. i love my animals...but really. they are like having four extra kids. feeding them, cleaning up after them, putting them out at god awful hours, spending money on them left and right, worrying about them...getting lost, getting sick, dying, getting mange, peeing on the floor, scratching up the furniture, you name it. i worry about it.
i think i have come to the realization that i just don't like my life a whole lot right now. it was really nice being out in the woods in a little cabin, with just us, and very little extra new century conveniences and interferience. i think i want to just go be amish. no real world bullshit. just my family. maybe a garden...i would surely have to learn how to grow one first or else we would starve. but we can fish, and hubby can hunt. just go live off the land like little house on the prairie type stuff.
geesh. i mean i was out runnin my errands, paying bills , doin this and that this morning, and i called hubby for something, to ask about whatever...and i just broke down bawling. for nothing. i'm just fallin apart. slippin into depression again. can't pin it down. sure there's a lot goin on. but i should be able to handle it, and i'm not. what the hell??
i don't want to do anything i barely CAN do anything.
i did actually go fish in a pond today though after my mentl attack... i almost caught a bass. he got off though before i got him in. that totally sucked. but it was better than nothin at all.
well, anyhow, i am very tired, and hot, and i think i shall take a nap. i probably shouldn't cuz i prolly won't sleep tonight, whichh has been another of my problems. but i am just tired. all over tired. mind, body, everything tired.
so anyhow.
hope y'all are ok.
i'll be back around when i catch up with myself.