Thursday, January 21, 2010

go ahead and say it- you won't be the first one

"brezz, you talk too damn much !"

yes, i know i do. thank you. :))

so. yeh, this does happen to be my second post for today, i just can't help myself.
well, i could if i wanted to. this passed week or so- when i feel the need to blab my head off too much; i do so, on my other blog. the one that no one has to endure.
not that anyone has to endure this one. none of you have to do anything you don't want to do. do ya.

anyways-- wonderin what's so important (to me) that i have to spill it at almost 9 pm?
well, i'll tell ya. as if you had any doubt, right?

k, well, ya see... ? i thought folks (at least those of you so far- who have been reading-- or have read 'soul-survivor' before coming here) - had at least a little bit of insight into who i am. ya know what i mean? i thought i could open this page up-- and not have to explain myself, or defend myself. remember me sayin that on like post #2 here?
well, i did say that. i said i didn't want to. i said i shouldn't have to. and guess where i stand right now? on the defense. that's where.

and like i said before--- i don't like to be there. so. how did i get here? cuz i reckon i was a dumbass maybe? but again, like i said--- i am not 'hiding' from anyone with this blog, nor by closing soul survivor. (my other one.) so, in not being 'incognito' - a few folks came over to have a look at the place.

y'all know who you are. you shoulda just said something. because half of what you read here YOU took out of context- or it wasn't directed at YOU. if you took it as being directed at you-- then maybe we should talk about why you feel guilty-- or why I feel the way I do. ya think?

anyone in the dark yet? oh i know MOST of you are-- and i apolOGIZE. sincerely.
this is just the childish games i was talkin about before.
but-- i'm not runnin this time. this is my turf. and if i end up writing for myself here then that's just how it is. i reckon. but i really don't see that happening.

good lord. i'm too old for this. who in their right mind, at the age of like 65, is gonna mess around with someones head and heart-- who has a damned mental illness?
right in the middle of that person trying to work things out , no less?
and another-- who knows more about said person than even her own sister--- to egg her on? oh pahleeze.

i so want to spew exactly what and who i'm talkin about here-- i just can't do it. i can't. i can't i can't.
i'm not that type of person.

ok-- i'll change the subject now-- because i bet it aint makin a lick-a-sense is it.
that's because i'm not feedin the BS right now. i could make a couple people look pretty bad right now. i just won't. if 50 and 60 year old women -- with 'supposedly normal' minds, want to act like children? let em... go ahead and let them enjoy their petty games.

see how far that takes them.

i will just be my ramblin nonsensical, bi-polar -- ooooh scary huh-- self--- , and roll with the punches like i always do. you see what happens to people like me-- and you see what happens to people like them.

what comes around goes around. is it karma? is it crap? is it really turning the other cheek?

cuz i'll tell ya--- i have seen hell more than once--- and i have crawled my way out -- more than once. i've knocked on deaths door-- and no one answered...
i have many scars from this battle i call my life--- the reason i continue in this war? crawl out of the pits i find myself in? because-- God has a purpose for me.
maybe i know what it is--- maybe i don't. i think i am gettin pretty close to figuring it out. the more i get shot in the back? the stronger i get... which means, i become a stronger testimonial of what God can do. even in the most insignificant of lives.

lil ole agoraphobic, bi-polar, bass fishin, crippled, me.

why? because :

or-- does He?
below is a poem i wrote the day i closed my blog.
first poem i have completed in several years.
maybe i shouldn't put it here- maybe i should-
it may be the closest i can get to
"explaining myself"
or my feelings.
as messed up as they may be.

not what i thought it would be

i used to wake up with a song in my head - but that was long ago.
i'd spring out of bed with a pep in my step - 'til even I betrayed my soul.
these days i am older with pain by my side- only one more form of loss.
i roll out of bed and i feel like i've died. - then become angry because i have not.

my first sip of coffee is followed with pills-
a few for the pain and a few more for my ills.
each day is the same as i age in this life.
my body is failing just as quick as my mind.

i trust less in this world, the paths that i cross.
though beginnings be cautious, they all end in loss.
as mapped over time, true colors are shown,
my heart lies exposed , while daggers are thrown.

it's always been this way for me. yet each betrayal feels new.
each time my heart is thrown to the ground, right behind it, my battered soul .
like a child would, i put the pain away, again waiting for one who won't leave.
though human i am, and human i'll be, tears forever staining my sleeve.

i must protect what's left of me,
before more of your lies are revealed.
it took some time , but now i see,
i must be alone to heal.

i never hid who i am, i laid myself at your feet.
i let the world see the good and evil in me.
i put it all out there, never holding anything back.
while most of you hid behind half truths and masks.

i am who i am, and for no one i'll change.
once again as i watch my small world walk away.
if what i have given was merely amusement for you,
there's plenty more waiting for your cunning abuse.


paranoid? delusional? downside of bipolar? neglected? rejected? childish? immature?

what do i say here? what do i say now?
all of the above?

really, i am on the upswing this last day or so. ok-- as of today :))
did i say i cleaned my kitchen today? well i did. and it sparkles. and even tho i was sore as hell when i was done? i was damn proud of myself. i proved to myself that i could do it. and do it the way I like it done. i didn't go pay someone to do it. i didn't wait for stez to do it. i just put on some tunage, and busted my ass. looks mahvelous.
if the weather is nice tomorrow? i just might go wet a line.
and hopefully-- find a big ass bass on the other end :))

anyhow--- that's that-- and more.
i really would like to continue this thing the rest of the way without any more confrontation, or explanation, or most of all-- feeling defensive-- or worse, defenseless .

coffee's on folks, have a cuppa and smoke-- or whatevah---
just don't jerk me around-
if i end up closin another blog? i won't come back-- incognito or otherwise.
just sayin. no threatenin.. no beggin. no nuthin. just sayin.

can i redeem myself?

can y'all forgive me?
i know i've done wrong-
i also know i've been done wrong.
up to now-- it's all good--
no bad blood- at least with those i've 'talked with'
and yes-- my bad-
i won't take all the blame- all the time- anymore

goodnight folks--
don't be hatin :))

ok. dare i ask? WTF is NEXT ???

howdy folks-- top o' the mornin to ya - really. i mean it- i do hope you all are havin fabulous days. the end of the week is in sight-- and i hope that means all good things for you.

for me? do you even wanna hear it? well, how bout a warning sign first? as if ya need one right? so far, this entire 'new' blog has been nuthin but bitchin and moanin. i promise you, that was, and is not my intention-- and it WILL change. and change- and change again. we all know that. so keep comin back. ok?

but-- (btw-- everything after 'but ' is bullshit.) just so ya know. that is one of my favorite quotes-- i wish it was an original brezz-- but it's not. i picked it up somewhere.

so anyhow--- where was i? ahhh--

BUT--- :)) and, 'what's next?' i know i dare not ever say that. it is always followed by something awful. or should i say-- it's always followed by bullshit-- just like "but"?
hmmmmm. it's true, we all know it is.

'so'... i'll get on with it-- i just hate to whine anymore -- in such a small amount of space. but hey-- it's what i do- right? i'm a cry baby- we all know this.

ok--- y'all know i was cryin about the truck money yesterday-- right?
well-- i actually have good news about that today-- i'll get to that in a minute... "but" as for the news i just got a while ago? not so good. and yes, about none other than money. OMG. why me? why now? and yes, what's next? both of these things are just out of the blue whammys. just as i'm thinkin -- we can save some money.
afterall--- we have my childs sweet 16 birthday comin up real quick-- march 9th-- but at this rate? she'll be lucky to get a darn mcdonalds party and a pkg of panties - *TEAR*
(yes- i'm exaggerating- y'all know i'd sell my blood -- or my laptop or something to make it go right for her.)
anyhow--- it is just stressin me out.
my dr. office-- the one who is gonna do the back thing-- the epidural shot - on monday called a while ago. none other than the money lady-- the insurance people lady. yeh-- to discuss money-- that they want from me-- before they will touch me.
ughhhh. i already had to shell out 150.00 the other day-- for the sedation guy. and since my deductible, obviously hasn't been been met yet-- i 'thought' 150.00 from savings might be enough-- so i robbed that from savings with the other 150.00.
well, guess what? just take a shot in the dark how much they want me to pay-- on monday--- in what, three days? 426.30 !!!!!
can i cry? right now? yeh i know. it won't help anything. what will help?
ummmm.... having my legs not hurt. (as bad) .

and the fact-- that God works in mysterious ways.
do ya wanna hear the good in this. if ya can call it that? i mean we're still shellin out a small fortune-- at a really bad time. well-- is there ever a good time to toss out 1000.00? yeh i didn't think so. anyhow---

here's how things were 'supposed to go"

the truck money? here's how that went down yesterday.
the way it was sposed to be? write a check for 573.32

the way it went?

they took 2 checks-- one for 286.66 dated yesterday-- and one for 286.66 dated for 2-19.... AND re -wrote the contract--- making the first truck payment NOT due on february 5th, BUT March 5th!

could we have asked for better? i don't think so.

the medical crap?

i robbed savings of 300.00 to pay for it-- paid the 150.00.
ended up havin enough to not really need to use that-- so it went to the truck money.

the call today-- you know the number 426.30-- sent me immediately into a panic attack!

until i asked if i could pay half of it on monday-- (expecting a no-and holding my breath )

her answer? oh sure-- you can pay 200.00, and pay the rest out over 90 days !!!

why is this a relief? and where do i get that money from?

why, eevees postponed surgery , of course!

this is why they say "everything happens for a reason."
and this is why i say-- it always works itself out in the end. cuz it does.
and "this too shall pass"
and so many other cliches and quotes, and words and phrases, that make me choke when i am in the middle of a crisis and want to be hit by a truck.

this funk i am in will pass-- eventually. and i will fish, and i will go to the mall with my daughter-- as much as i hate mall hell-- it really isn't bad when it doesn't hurt me.. we have fun. and don't fight and all that jazz.

things are lookin up-- if i just stop lookin down all the time.
i really do look down-- not sure what i'm lookin for down there... i never find anything---

so anyhow--- just babbblin my head off here-- again-- sorry for that. but that's the stuff fillin my head for the moment.

y'all need to talk more-- so i know what to write about that YOU wanna hear.
well-- aside from fishin-- i really am gonna go fishin. soon. i must clean my kitchen- and hope my legs will ease up on me-- then you will see fish pix--
i don't know if i mentioned it or not-- but i finally lost all that extra poundage i had been bitchin about-- i'm back to my ole weight-- so i shouldn't be so camera shy.
oh-- you saw me at christmas-- i forgot.
so yeh-- i just have ta do somethin with my damn hair first now.
i hate it.

so- y'all have great days out there today--