Thursday, November 11, 2010

face it folks , i got nuthin to say

but as usual, i'm sure i'll come up with somethin.
y'all prolly hate me by now.  i don't post- i don't visit- i wouldn't blame ya if ya just moved on.  in a way it looks like most of y'all have.  i hope ya come back.  i do mean well.  i think about y'all every day - and i do think about writin on here every day too.  i just haven't had it in me.  i had the rhizotomy done on monday.  i've hardly been on the computer at all.  i do facebook a little on my phone, cuz it's just easy.  sittin at the desk has been impossible and the laptop , just cumbersome, til today .    and even so --

the few times i have actually attempted to write -- 
nothing blog worthy came to mind.

i've been over medicated, over sleeping, and haven't left the house since gettin home from the dr. on monday.  there's just nothin to say. 

today , i can at least report that i am recovering real well from the rhizotomy.  so much better than the last one.  prolly in the normal range of the few days that most people usually do.   and i have to say i am thrilled to be able to say that.  i don't know how well the actual results are yet, but what i do know is that i don't have that awful , burning, constant pain i had after the last time.  so, i think, and hope this one will 'take', and i will have good results, and hopefully -- this will lead me out of the depression that has been holding me hostage for the past two months. 

so much has been goin on in my head these last many weeks.  maybe i should have just written - like i used to.  ya know? just let it all out right here.  i've been feeling like i can't or shouldn't write like that anymore though. not since i moved my blog. or changed blogs or whatever ya call it.  i don't know.  you tell me.  is holding back better or worse?  to me, it's worse.  for one-- i don't feel like 'me' writing.  and i don't know really why i feel so 'protective'.  i feel boring.  i don't want my blog to bore you.  i don't want to bore you.   i also hate to whine.  i seem to do that more 'here' than the other blog too.  is it cuz i'm not sayin so much other stuff?   there were times i'd not leave the house for days at a time then too, but i'd still find things to write about.  still find ways to be funny about nothing.  now?  ugh.  i feel like i can't think straight.  sometimes i think it's cuz not many folks comment back - and it leaves me with little to go on.  but hell.  i wrote here - there- for months before i had a single person comment at all. 
i need help.  or maybe i don't.  i just need to make a commitment i reckon.  it must be the time of year.  it's just not a good time of year for me.  i'll get back on track. 

i don't like to let people down. well, who does?  i guess i mean, i don't mean- to let people down. 
i can't help the way i feel at times tho.  i know some of you understand that.  and i appreciate those of you who do.  i have a buddy out there who has been calling me quite consistently lately.  i hope she knows how much that means to me.  even though i really hate to talk on the phone.. some days that phone call is the only time i smile that day.  maybe sometimes it's the only 'conversation' i have in a day.  'YOU' are important to me -- i hope you know that.  i never take people like you for granted.  i know you know who i'm talkin about -- too bad you live so far away. the good ones always do.

in fact, she is my motivation for posting today.  i was pretty much at the point of quittin again.  oh don't say it.  i know we all get there at times.  and i've done it a time or two already.  but really.  i hate watching my blog sink like the titanic.  i hate watching folks come and go.  worst of all?  i hate wondering what - if anything - it is that i have said... that maybe crossed some sort of invisible line , that offended someone.  scared someone?  angered someone?  and if that has happened, why in the world could that person not just tell me?  i mean WTH? 

the other day - i got an email.  sounded fine.  it was from someone who -- nevermind the details-- but i will admit , i second guessed myself in responding to it.  i have my reasons, and they are valid.  this person has a way of messing with my head in certain ways , and i am gettin pretty good at having figured it out.  but--- as short as the email was -- coming and going-- that's as far as it went.  i thought my reply -- deserved a reply. ya know?  perhaps an explanation.  as it ended with a question- of sorts.  not a word since.  i wasn't surprised tho when i didn't hear back.  i didn't get angry at this person.. rather -- i kicked my own ass.  because i knew better.  some sick pleasure is gained by this person to play head games with me.  when all i want is answers.  instead -- i need to finally lock that door behind me.  and move on.  "some are sicker than others".

found that today -- suits this person perfectly.
'while you're back there'

well, anyhow.. did i mention... i think i will be back to drivin and maybe even cleanin up the house a bit by tomorrow.  the last rhizotomy it was well over 4 months before i even thought of doin a thing.  aside from sittin on my ass, takin pills, sleepin, and the sort.  this time-- they suggested the other side be done in 2 weeks -- which is gettin closer to one week now-- and i'm actually considering it.  not without fear.  but i just may do it.  i need a life.  i would say 'my life'.. but in all actuality, i didn't have much of one to speak of.  maybe if i get this done -- and have a good outcome-- i can get a life.  it's really gettin to me the way things have been goin .  physically and mentally.  i don't know how to just wave a magic wand and change things.  it will take work.  spiritual, physical, mental.  all that.  i know that nothing magical is gonna just happen over night.  i know i have to work.  i have to put forth action, to get any results .   but i also know i have to do something- in order to change anything.  and i know something needs to change. soon.  perhaps i should start a 'list'.  maybe that'll be my next post? mylist of thing to - maybe do. bleh.

cuz i can't like feelin this way any more.

or this way either.

oh!  one last thing--
it's Veterans day!
blessing to those who served in any military service!
especially those who gave their life - or became disabled in any way for this great country!