Sunday, May 3, 2009

never on a sunday

happy sunday peoples---
hope your days have started on a good note.
i reckon i can't complain. well.. you know i could.. but i'll try not to. ha! that's a laugh. this entire post will prolly be complaining. let's just wait and see, shall we?

anyhow. shortly after my last post, i did remember what else i was gonna write about... but i just decided not to . i was tired. i don't even know why. i had my "list" and i was gonna get ready and go do my stuff. did i? nope. i did some stuff at home-- stuff that required little to no movement... then i piddled around on my laptop-- and soon after, passed out... for hours. ugh. i haven't done that in quite a while. at least not after a full nights sleep. which i got.
and one thing that was on my list--- or should i say-- has been on my list---- for weeks--- was a haircut. i truly intended to shower and go get that done. my hair looks like the damn wizard of oz scarecrow ! and i can't do a thing with it ! i hate it. and it hates me.

so anyways. i did absolutely nothing yesterday. i didn't even change out of my jammies. that is soooo bad. some of you know, that used to just be the way i lived sometimes--- but for a long time-- i have been somewhat normal. well, except for the few times i've been sick - in one way or another over the past many many months.

ugh Lord, this makes me need more coffee.
that's mo bettah. ahhhh.

i don't know where to start with this stuff.
have you ever been worried about somethin... but tried not to worry about it...or talk about it... or think about it...etc??? doesn't it just seem to make things worse??? well, that's some of what's goin on with me, and i think that's why i am tired a lot. it's mental stuff. maybe it's part of my scrambled thinking too.
the thing is, for the past week and a half, well, let me rephrase that-- a week and a half ago--- i had a mamogram.... it was stupid on my part to not have been having one at minimum once a year.. but actually i shoulda been gettin em, every six months until they told me different. i hadn't had one in over two years. which was actually better than i thought-- i was thinkin it had been three years. and i wouldn't have even had this one-- but the dr. set it up last time i saw him. ugh. but anyhow.
the day i had it done--- i already knew by the pictures that it wasn't right. and also--- i was told is wasn't right. most people get called back to do the magnified ones-- but i told her from the start-- i live too far away-- so if she has to do those -- do them "now" cuz i can't keep comin back every other day. so she did. after the radiologist looked at them... the films--- he confirmed what she and i both saw. microcalcifications. he said he wanted to do an ultrasound, before anything else. but that was right before we were gonna go out of town. if i woulda known it was gonna fall apart the way it did, we woulda cancelled and i'd prolly have some kinda answer by now. but --- when i got back, there was an appointment slip for me to go back (tomorrow.) aint that just peachy? thing is -- it says nothing about what the appointment is FOR! could be for the ultrasound. could be for a freakin biopsy. who the hell knows??? i really hate the VA hospital. they have no kind of direction or freakin personal skills whatsoever.
anyhow-- you may be wondering, why the concern. right? well, some of you might be-- cuz i think i mentioned this stuff before. but i think it was in 2005.. i got real sick, and lost like 40 pounds, and while they were running their gambut of tests--- they found microcalcifications at that time as well. in the opposite breast.
ok, so anyways. because i had so many symptoms.. we had good reason to believe i had cancer. we all freaked out. i had a lumpectomy, and they removed a lump "the size of a golf ball". i had no idea it was that big goin in. but , it was benign. phew.
soon after that, after more tests to find out what was wrong with me, i was diagnosed with addisons' disease. what a relief. after a short time on some meds i was feeling much better, and gained some weight, and regained energy-- i was back to myself in just a few weeks. but oh man... by boob hurt for over a year. i did not expect that. not at all.

soooooo..... here we are again. i really don't feel as worried as i did last time that it might be malignant--- mainly because i have gained weight this time-- i haven't lost an ounce. i didn't have any appetite last time-- to the point of having to drink stinkin boost or ensure. that surely isn't the case now. i guess my concern now is the surgery i may face. and the pain. and i guess everyone with cancer isn't underweight.
it's just another one of those medical things that happen.

is it cuz i'm me? wth? i honestly can't beleive all the medical crap that has happened to me in this year alone. seizures, that i never had before. a dvt with a lung clot. a stint in the mental ward. goin blind, losin my memory --worse than ever. losing my strength, and muscle. pain worsening, and spreading.
and this doesn't even include all the crap that we went through with soulkid. the stress of that alone almost killed me. i still haven't recovered. ugh.

i'm just too young for this shit. leave it to me to get the freakin swine flu too.
and people wonder why i sit paralyzed on some days. holy crap.

did anyone ever watch general hospital.. years ago--- like in 1982? or so? i think it was "heather".. she ended up in a nut ward-- all she did was sit in rockin chair, and stair out the window, singing to a rag doll... believing it was a real baby. she didn't speak or look at anybody. just that damn doll.

even then.. i said "that's gonna be ME someday. " holy crap peeps-- really ya gotta watch what ya say. i hadn't even had a "real trauma" yet. well, i did.. but i was a kid still. it seems that ever since then my whole life has been one tragedy after another.

but there's been good times too. don't get me wrong. i still have times that i believe my life will turn around someday and be ok again.

anyhow--- i'm gonna actually take a shower today, and get my rag mop cut, and clean up my pig sty, and do some other stuff. i'd go fishin but it's icky outside. again.

i hope y'all are happy in your worlds today
i am.. considering.
i'm actually used to this stuff. i'm tougher than most :))