ok i admit it , i'm a slacker

normally i don't go this long without posting unless i'm without internet-- or something is wrong. well, rest assured, nothing is wrong. i have just been busy-- and recovering. i have been sore as hell since cleaning out the garage. i just cannot imagine what i might feel like had i had to do that alone. thank God for angie . i have everyday pain anyhow-- but i swear-- this has been extra bad-- and i am so NOT looking forward to packing and moving this house-- which is a three bedroom-- but the size - with the furniture-- of a four bedroom , due to my office. ugh. the thought alone scares me.

anyhow-- moving on to bigger and better things ;))
guess who won the 'biggest loser contest' at work? you guessed huh? pretty easy since i don't have a job eh? yep, soulman wON!!! wo hoo ! but i betchya can't guess how much he lost? the contest lasted about three months--- he lost --- dah dah dah---
fifty one pounds !!!!!!! as in 51 !!!!! in three months. that is just insane. we are so proud of him. he is still shootin for another thirty pounds on his own. i'm sure he can do it. that would put him not much over what he was when we met.. but ya gotta give a guy some lee-way for age, and the ole marriage excuse right? regardless, i am amazed at the effort he put into this whole thing. he feels so much better, and looks really good. once i get a new pic of him, i shall put before and afters up-- you too will be amazed.

as for me--- i'm still totin the extra 20 pounds from nowhere. can't lose an ounce. i'll weigh one day and think i lost 5 pounds-- 2 or 3 days later i weigh again.. and voila-- it's baaaack. maybe forever. dammit.

about the house hunting, i think it's over-- we are putting in an offer on one today after hubby gets home from work. it's a nice house. pix will come when i get a chance. the price is right-- we like it-- i have my doubts about the stairs.. but i can deal with them for a while i'm sure.

well, i think that's about all the updating i can think of for now-- i got thangs to do before i get my child.
i'll be back.
question is-- will you be here?
or has facebook killed blogland?
anyhow-- have happy fridays...

never on a sunday

happy sunday peoples---
hope your days have started on a good note.
i reckon i can't complain. well.. you know i could.. but i'll try not to. ha! that's a laugh. this entire post will prolly be complaining. let's just wait and see, shall we?

anyhow. shortly after my last post, i did remember what else i was gonna write about... but i just decided not to . i was tired. i don't even know why. i had my "list" and i was gonna get ready and go do my stuff. did i? nope. i did some stuff at home-- stuff that required little to no movement... then i piddled around on my laptop-- and soon after, passed out... for hours. ugh. i haven't done that in quite a while. at least not after a full nights sleep. which i got.
and one thing that was on my list--- or should i say-- has been on my list---- for weeks--- was a haircut. i truly intended to shower and go get that done. my hair looks like the damn wizard of oz scarecrow ! and i can't do a thing with it ! i hate it. and it hates me.

so anyways. i did absolutely nothing yesterday. i didn't even change out of my jammies. that is soooo bad. some of you know, that used to just be the way i lived sometimes--- but for a long time-- i have been somewhat normal. well, except for the few times i've been sick - in one way or another over the past many many months.

ugh Lord, this makes me need more coffee.
that's mo bettah. ahhhh.

i don't know where to start with this stuff.
have you ever been worried about somethin... but tried not to worry about it...or talk about it... or think about it...etc??? doesn't it just seem to make things worse??? well, that's some of what's goin on with me, and i think that's why i am tired a lot. it's mental stuff. maybe it's part of my scrambled thinking too.
the thing is, for the past week and a half, well, let me rephrase that-- a week and a half ago--- i had a mamogram.... it was stupid on my part to not have been having one at minimum once a year.. but actually i shoulda been gettin em, every six months until they told me different. i hadn't had one in over two years. which was actually better than i thought-- i was thinkin it had been three years. and i wouldn't have even had this one-- but the dr. set it up last time i saw him. ugh. but anyhow.
the day i had it done--- i already knew by the pictures that it wasn't right. and also--- i was told is wasn't right. most people get called back to do the magnified ones-- but i told her from the start-- i live too far away-- so if she has to do those -- do them "now" cuz i can't keep comin back every other day. so she did. after the radiologist looked at them... the films--- he confirmed what she and i both saw. microcalcifications. he said he wanted to do an ultrasound, before anything else. but that was right before we were gonna go out of town. if i woulda known it was gonna fall apart the way it did, we woulda cancelled and i'd prolly have some kinda answer by now. but --- when i got back, there was an appointment slip for me to go back (tomorrow.) aint that just peachy? thing is -- it says nothing about what the appointment is FOR! could be for the ultrasound. could be for a freakin biopsy. who the hell knows??? i really hate the VA hospital. they have no kind of direction or freakin personal skills whatsoever.
anyhow-- you may be wondering, why the concern. right? well, some of you might be-- cuz i think i mentioned this stuff before. but i think it was in 2005.. i got real sick, and lost like 40 pounds, and while they were running their gambut of tests--- they found microcalcifications at that time as well. in the opposite breast.
ok, so anyways. because i had so many symptoms.. we had good reason to believe i had cancer. we all freaked out. i had a lumpectomy, and they removed a lump "the size of a golf ball". i had no idea it was that big goin in. but , it was benign. phew.
soon after that, after more tests to find out what was wrong with me, i was diagnosed with addisons' disease. what a relief. after a short time on some meds i was feeling much better, and gained some weight, and regained energy-- i was back to myself in just a few weeks. but oh man... by boob hurt for over a year. i did not expect that. not at all.

soooooo..... here we are again. i really don't feel as worried as i did last time that it might be malignant--- mainly because i have gained weight this time-- i haven't lost an ounce. i didn't have any appetite last time-- to the point of having to drink stinkin boost or ensure. that surely isn't the case now. i guess my concern now is the surgery i may face. and the pain. and i guess everyone with cancer isn't underweight.
it's just another one of those medical things that happen.

is it cuz i'm me? wth? i honestly can't beleive all the medical crap that has happened to me in this year alone. seizures, that i never had before. a dvt with a lung clot. a stint in the mental ward. goin blind, losin my memory --worse than ever. losing my strength, and muscle. pain worsening, and spreading.
and this doesn't even include all the crap that we went through with soulkid. the stress of that alone almost killed me. i still haven't recovered. ugh.

i'm just too young for this shit. leave it to me to get the freakin swine flu too.
and people wonder why i sit paralyzed on some days. holy crap.

did anyone ever watch general hospital.. years ago--- like in 1982? or so? i think it was "heather".. she ended up in a nut ward-- all she did was sit in rockin chair, and stair out the window, singing to a rag doll... believing it was a real baby. she didn't speak or look at anybody. just that damn doll.

even then.. i said "that's gonna be ME someday. " holy crap peeps-- really ya gotta watch what ya say. i hadn't even had a "real trauma" yet. well, i did.. but i was a kid still. it seems that ever since then my whole life has been one tragedy after another.

but there's been good times too. don't get me wrong. i still have times that i believe my life will turn around someday and be ok again.

anyhow--- i'm gonna actually take a shower today, and get my rag mop cut, and clean up my pig sty, and do some other stuff. i'd go fishin but it's icky outside. again.

i hope y'all are happy in your worlds today
i am.. considering.
i'm actually used to this stuff. i'm tougher than most :))

still wednesday---

looky what Rebecca over at Pixels From The Edge gave me

isn't that just sweet?

i thought so..i mean, i still do- of course;
but she gave it to me like two or three days ago...
right in the middle of my crybaby attack. so, i decided to wait
until i wasn't such a big baby to put it up.
so, there it is.

and i thank you Rebecca..

now-- i am to pass it along to three other bloggers
with big hearts--

those would be---

jaimie/simonsays... at everyone thinks i can fix it.
most of you who read here, read her page too,
and y'all just know that she has had the most pain filled year..both
physical and emotional, than anyone i have ever known,
or known of--- yet she has fought her way through it all,
and has always put herself last in line for everything.
she deserves much more than this award,
but for now, this is all i can give her.

next; will be summer at 107 Madison Street;
she's another one who struggles with pain, and other troubles,
but she is a friend and mother before worrying
about herself.

and lastly (i wish i could give out ten :(( -
i will give this one to "Motha" at The Real Mother Hen
because she is always ready to kick someones ass when they
get up in my kool aid
:))
and she invited me to singapore--even tho i can't go :((
and she always has a wing stretched out for me
and other peeps too

so--- there ya have it.

all my blog pals deserve this, and it's tough to pick just three.
remember tho-- three plus me-- already got it..