well hell. i thought i posted this last night... apparently, i did not. it was saved to drafts. i was sleep posting when soulman came to bed and nagged me til i turned it off. i wasn't even smokin. but, my neck was twisted in a most painful position, and he knew it hurt me just by lookin at it. no tellin how long i sat there with my head laid over sideways like a rag-doll. owwwww.
so anyhow. i kept tryin to finish the post, but i kept fallin asleep, kept gettin nagged at...and finally shut down and went to sleep. which i'm sure was the best thing i coulda done. i'm sure i woulda got assy very soon if i didn't shut up when i did.
(anyways-- there's a little blabbering in the comments below.. other than that-- i reckon i will toss this up--and either work on another-- or go say hi to you folks. not sure which.. cuz as usual for lately-- i'm just tired.
in fact-- when i saw soulkid yesterday, she asked if i had a black eye! i said no, i'm just sportin the old lady bags.. you like? she didn't. poor kid carries too much. we'll get back there later.-- )
--- return to last nights babble---on----
let's see if we can get a productive post out of me this time , shall we? yes, let's. no. i am not talkin to myself -- i'm talkin to you. whoever you are. wherever you are.
so, first, i'll tell ya, i'm a little distracted at the moment..no, not by the hot christmas fairy-- but doesn't he look like somethin you'd love to find under your tree on christmas morning?? or perhaps christmas eve.. for those non morning people?? :)) i do believe he could cure anybodys grinchness. i wonder if he does dishes.
i'm actually distracted cuz i'm eatin some leftover turkey; smoked perfectly on the big green egg -- ohhh yum! it soo beats the hell out of government cheese and peanut butter. have you ever had the pleasure of government commodities? hmmmm. well, the cheese isn't bad really. get into the "meat", and ya just gotta wonder.... wth it truly is. ya know? alien liver? sheep clone brain loaf? only God knows.. but it can't possibly be legit meat. that mooed, or clucked, or any of those farm song sounds. nope it's obviously some man made goop. or maybe even man. but it aint no animal. or meat. ugh.
ok let's get movin on.
Another distraction? some sirens just stopped blaring like right outside my back yard. which, over the fence is a junior high school, and a two lane/two direction street, and a four way stop intersection. somethin is always goin on out there. the other day i was sittin here-- at my desk in my office, and heard a car wreck. first, the skidding rubber locked and burning on the road; then came the anticipatory wait... and there it was... the crunch of metal to metal when the two vehicles collided. ugh. always better than a THUD. always. especially due to where i live. one block down, about six months ago, a kid was hit and killed by a car there. the driver was only nineteen years old. the kid was stoned, the driver was not. his life will never be the same.
(speakin of cars---- note the new "2009 KIA SOUL"" -- if i could ever get out from under this car of mine i would get the soul. ugh. i think i failed to mention in my car bitch post-- i am like 7 grand upside down in my car i have now. it's sickening. i like that "soul" car -- how cool would that be?? if any one of you gets it - you have to tell me FIRST! ok?)
hmmm. that came from no where. sort of. but not really. i tend to think about that sort of stuff a lot these days. how how cheerful and holiday - ish. right? well. i'm sorry. that's just the way it is. and that's why i'm so glad that all the hoopla is over and done with, and i don't have to pretend to be happy and smiley all the time anymore.
i can go back to bein the same ole bitch i always was. people can tell me everywhere i go to "smiiile".. and i can tell them to "shoooove it". and we'll just all be on our merry way.
i gotta ask ya though before we go on... just what could be cooler than a soul car? well other than a soul car-- made by someone other than kia. feast yo eyes ballz upon this----
it's a dad-gum soul-phone !!! OMG!! i could scream like a teenage girl at a boy band concert ! a soul car AND a soul phone ! i want them both. i can't have either. but i can want all i want. and i want those.
i bet you're wondering why i'm bein such a bitch aren't ya? well, first, i don't want to tell you. but second, i can't keep not tellin ya-- and continue to blog. at least not if i want readers-- or especially "friends who happen to read here" . because just in case you haven't noticed... the writing... or in y'alls cases the reading.. i guess, has kinda gone to hell over the last few months. won't you agree? it's ok, go ahead, agree.
i think i'm ready to tell ya why that is. in case i at least think ya don't already know. i have a feelin at least one of you has figured it out by now. maybe i'm wrong, but i don't know. i just have a feeling this person knows me pretty well. and i don't have to say much for her to pick up on stuff. never know tho. but she hasn't asked, and i haven't said.
so--- if you can't tell, yes , i am stalling. -- but even i didn't notice it til just now.
what will i do about that? well, i just got me a box of cracker jacks out of my christmas stocking, and after i get over the shock of just how cheap-ass they got with the surprise inside, i guess i will get back to where i was going.
ok. where was i? ahhh yes. something has been goin on out here. something big. something hurtful, and scary. and something that i guess i never thought i would have to deal with in my life. but i suppose, that as parents, we never expect to face a lot of things when it comes to our kids. do we?
we know there will be possibilities that they might make poor decisions at times. or bring home some bad grades now and again. a daughter may get pregnant too soon, or ask for "the pill" much younger than you'd ever dreamed she might. a son, maybe he'll join the military before finishing high school. or marry too young. or even himself end up with a baby at 16 or 15.
parents do consider these things might happen. but isn't it moreso in a maybe, but not my kid, kind of way? we might have a "just in case" speech tucked away for the day our 16 year old comes home pregnant. or maybe wants to quit school.
how many of us are ever really ready to face, live with, and accept, protect, fight with, forgive, and help, a fourteen year old drug addict???? how many moms and dads -- really know what the hell to do in that situation? when you're lied to? stolen from? pushed away? yelled at? disrespected? over and over and over and over, again-- until you can't sleep at night, in fear of the kid climbing out the window? getting in a car with older kids and going too far away-- getting in trouble, getting arrested, getting killed, getting raped, getting too stoned and just flat out getting her dumb ass pregnant?? how many are truly ready to live like that? to love a person that you would just as soon punch in the face, and shoot everyone she's ever associated with in the head??? how can a parent love someone so damn much that they would kill or die for them, yet their deepest desire is to run as far away as possible to spare herself from the emotional devastation around her?? who on this earth is ever ready-- or even willing for that?
that's what i thought.
and who, is ready, to blab all of it to the world? friends. neighbors. strangers. acquaintances. anybody? i don't think anyone is.
so, that's where i'm at folks.. all you friends. neighbors. strangers, and acquaintances. and. that is why my writing, and your reading has sucked here lately. because my world has been falling apart, and i have been trying to keep it a secret. if you haven't noticed, i am not a very good liar. i am not even a very good secret keeper. or half-fiction writer. when somethin is wrong in my life that i don't want --or refuse-- to talk about... it just makes itself be known, somehow. this time, i gave serious thought to shuttin down altogether. just not write at all. but y'all know i can't do that. i wrote here for months without anyone even reading it. that's still funny to me. what's funnier is that so many people found me. and stayed. and still like me. omg, some even met me, and still like me. some are related to me and still friggin like me.
when i started this thing--- i woulda-- and i prolly did--tell ya-- the whole world was against me and i meant every bit of it. i don't feel like that today.
nope. i just feel like God's out to get me. LOL. a joke y'all. i have to keep my sense of humor. that, and write. without either, i would surely keel over. which means i need YOU too. cuz, without y'all.. i would be right back where i was before. alone. agoraphobic. in my head. not fishin, not laughin, not functioning , ole soul.
little do you know it, but y'all have made me a stronger person this passed year or two. however long it's been. i could name names, but i won't do that. i believe each one of you has added your own special ingredient to make me this new "soul". and without each of you-- i wouldn't have made it through this last year.
i have shared a lot of "this" with my very best friend in the world-- and you all know who she is-- i'm still not sayin her name. :)) and recently, i have leaked some, here and there to a couple others. when i learned of some of this stuff, i did write here about it-- but the more serious it got-- the more i shut down.. or internalized it. but, still, the majority of my friends here, don't know what's been happening. not everything. not why i may sound..write..read...not write or read--or talk----or act-- (in a sense)-- differently.
am i stalling again? i feel like i'm repeating myself. dammit. not on purpose. you know, just kinda goin around in circles. i just catch it now and then. anyhow--
i'm obviously gettin to-- or talkin about soulkid here. before school got out-- may-- april-- i don't even know anymore. it just kinda happened. while it happened it was all in slow motion. but standing here today, looking back... it seems like a flash in time. but i swear, soulman and i both have aged ten years in the last six months. and all three of us, as individuals, and as a family, have walked through hell, and got burped back up----- TWICE. and hell is still chewin this time. we're just waitin on the next big belch.
but hey, we're doin the best we can. and better than that? so is soulkid. no longer do i want to run away. soulman doesn't either. i'm pretty sure soulkid won't be runnin away either. there has been times that each of us were ready to go our own seperate ways--on more than one occasion. it's hard to stay in a situation like this---- but when it comes to the nitty gritty -- it's even harder to walk away from it.
there's been helplessness, hopelessness, argueing, fighting, threatening, everything from shouting and throwing things, to silence and the big big words like, "leave" , "divorce" , "move", and "ship her off to gramma."
she did change schools... more like, we allowed her to, at her request -- but against MY better judgement.
y'all know about the geographical change thing though right?? but-- as it happens --she seemed to have followed herself.. along with her problems... and now she is in inpatient rehab for drug treatment. along with that, comes family counseling-- not only her personal counseling, and NA meetings, etc. she attends regular schoool in there as well.
she was allowed to come home for christmas-- for a five hour pass. subtract driving time ---- i saw my daughter on christmas day for four hours. not counting the alone time she spent "doin her thang" in her room. blasting the not missed music through the walls, putting the not allowed in rehab make-up on, primpin with the hair-do, and whatever else it is she does in that place she calls home. prolly changed clothes five hundred times. :))
then she came out and actually watched a dvd with us-- that was a first, in an extremely loooong time. we felt connected. and it was good. i was happy. well, as happy as i could be under the circumstances. but, i didn't feel that disconnect--or distance-- or claustrophobia-- that has smothered me for the past several years. it was the best christmas in this house in a long time. and it had nothin to do with money, or going somewhere, it was just us, and a pretty modest gift exchange. well... the kid got a nice camera-- but that's what credit-- i mean debt-- is for-- right? the rest, she was happy with.. even tho it wasn't like some other years. me and souldad never care about our gifts.. 15 or zero-- it's about her -- she was happy-- we were happy.
i don't know, but nobody fought, nobody yelled, we all got along, we smiled and laughed and hugged, and it was a good day. it was hard to say goodbye. she didn't want me to ride in the car-- but not in a mean way-- it's a control thing... a radio thing. you know teenagers. so i stayed here. and i really didn't mind. y'all know i hate traffic, and loud music, i was fine not goin, and so was she.
------that was yesterday -----
----below is today-- and more stuff to bore you with ----
----ya may wanna take a break about now.---
today, at 3, we had a family counseling session. i kind of knew what to expect, because last sunday, we had one as well. that was our first one since she got in there. it did not go well. at all. and i will take the hit for that. just as i did today with her counselor and her. i don't really know why--- i opened my mouth-- we fought for an hour. that was sunday. then tuesday-- for visitation... again--- i opened my mouth--- we fought--- the babysitter person.. "intervened" -- we left the visit thirty minutes early. i have to say, i expected today's session to kill me.
i went hesitantly but tried very hard to not go in there defensively. i think i handled myself well. she did too. actually, so did her dad. sometimes he will try to protect, or defend one of us-- usually her :)) -- this time he didn't talk unless or until the counselor asked him to. and as far as my kid or i yelling or fighting-- it just didn't happen. maybe a couple raised voices in defense, but we each caught ourselves and backed back down.
i really did kind of know what to expect, and that was only because her counselor had told me that she was going to read me a 7 page letter she had written me. (as part of her therapy--that i will reply to--there is a format to follow) . so , for days, and part of why i was worried about christmas being tense, i've been waiting to get blasted in this "meeting".
on the way over there, i told soulman, "i bet i coulda wrote this letter, i know what she's gonna say."
and i did. i didn't get to see the letter-- she didn't have time to read all of it to me. but the part she did read-- discuss-- etc, with me/us.. was exactly-- to a T -- what i was expecting her to "talk" about. i was proud of her though the way she delivered it. and for me, the way i handled it and didn't get defensive or arguementative with her. at least i don't think i did. it went nothing like i thought it would. i guess i can't say more than that. i expected a lot of anger and blame. and although i did get that-- it wasn't in as harsh a way as i expected.
so yep. that's my life for the last chunk of 2008...
and below is a bit of sleep bloggin for ya :))
well folks-- you gotta gimmee an a for cimmeean a firtkk3klllllll