Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Wanna Know Why They Call Me Soul?

this post was original written on :
february, 2, 2010

somehow- somewhere, since the day that i posted this page, i for whatever reason, deleted it. it isn't even saved on drafts.
y'all know me; at least most of ya do. memory gets worse by the day.
maybe someday i'll remember when , or why i deleted this - but until, or if that happens -- or not-- i checked some 'notes' i have set aside for when i do ever decide to get to writing 'my book'.
i will do it ya'll. someday i will.

anyhow-- this is just a bit of a tale about my name "Soul",
and how it, and maybe even how I, came to 'be.'

go pee, grab a coffee, pull up a chair,
and prepare for a doozy of a 'soul post'.

Where the name 'Soul' came from :

it started with 'soulmange' - a very long time ago - which happens to remain my email address.

when i lost jacob who was my unborn and very ill son @ over 5 months pregnant, i also had a dog named midnight. (you may or may not remember her-- but i had that dog longer than any person, or any-thing- ever.) well, cept for soulman-- and he was only a close second. :))

well- soon after we lost the baby "Jacob"-- my dog got mange. severe mange. she almost died from it. her litter of ten pups did have to be put to sleep because of it. i just didn't know she had it-- she didn't show signs for months- so it made it hard to know what happened to her.
so, that- and misdiagnosis made it hard to know, or even guess.
by the time she got the right diagnosis- and medication? i was literally minutes away from asking one of soulmans' friends to take her out and shoot her. the poor dog did nothing-- except shrivel up to skin and bones, go bald, scratch constantly, cry, and bleed. i couldn't handle it anymore. it was breaking my already broken heart.
the day i was going to ask this guy to shoot her-- i saw my shrink--- who suggested i get a second opinion first.
so i did.

she got a proper diagnosis-- some God given meds, shampoos, vitamins, etc.
i swear to you - within a week-- she had a thin but beautiful coat of hair coming in, she wasn't crying or scratching, she was gaining weight- and eating. she was coming back to life. God gave me my dog-- my soul-mate back. she was on the verge of death. and she lived another -- 10+ years :)) (she did have bouts with breakouts- and flea allergies- but we knew what to do to help her.)

God knew i couldn't lose her. not then.

anyhow-- one day- back then - i was looking at her-- she was still really sick at this time--
she was sitting in the middle of the street in front of our house- i was sitting on our deck.
i could sense it that she was as miserable as i was-- and i thought to myself that she was sitting there-- in the road-- just hoping that she would be run over. she hated living that way.

it was then then i thought-- i know how ya feel my friend--- i have mange too. my soul has mange. i want to die too.

that was when i chose the name 'soulmange.'

and when i decided to put her out of her misery.
and me out of mine as well.

she was healed-- with my help of course-- of her mange---
and i was soon after-- admitted -- into my first mental hospital.
after no other option-- i walked -- crying uncontrollably into my shrinks office-- helpless- and hopeless-- with no where else to turn-- and told her-- i didn't know what else to do-- other than die. she couldn't let me leave like that-- she called my husband- then the hospital-- i was admitted-- my husband was beside himself-

i had finally lost my mind.


about twelve years later i had this blog--- and i had folks who liked the stuff i had to say on there--- and i had moments of light in my dark soul ---- and mind--- and i learned to laugh-- and trust (a little)-- and folks didn't like to call me 'soulmange.'
because they didn't see me that way.
they didn't see me as a dark , disturbed, sad person.
at least not all the time.
i made people laugh.
i had a positive side.-- and that side seemed to 'come out' more and more'-
i had a helpful side- that cared about people-- genuinely. many times-- more about them than myself.

they didn't want to call me-- or think of me as having 'mange' -

like Midnight-- i had bouts of depression, and i had mental attacks, but i also had times of being 'myself'. looking, and feeling 'human', and happy, and ok. not ugly inside and out, and wanting to sit in the road and be killed.

so--- i became
(my blog was re-titled as well- with a little help from my friends :))
it went from - " A Day in The Life Of Me" (i think) TO - "Queen Earlene's Finest"
then finally TO :

The everpresent -- "Soul Survivor"


now i'm brezz.

cuz i had a mental attack after christmas.
and i hurt a lot of these folks feelings, cuz i got paranoid, and thought everyone turned against me.
and that's because i spose i'm soulmange , once again.
so no more soul

just "Brezz"
(a story all it's its own)

wanna hear something positive ?

for YEARS i have had the title for 'my book' that i may never write---
and i was driving home this morning from droppin soulkid off at school--
and i thought of a brand new title for said book!!!!!

you DO know what that means don't you????

it means----
i need to start diggin up all my 'notes, and unfinished crap on this here 'book' we speak of---
cuz it just might get wrote after-all.
title being?
a secret til it's written
patience my friends.

and now -- april 2010-- i am back to soul survivor-- where i belong. where i feel y'all want to be with me , not take me to the woods and shoot me.