Monday, September 29, 2008

flyin blind again, but here i am - am and pm- and another a.m - and so on..erg

howdy folks,
another monday has befallen us. isn't that thrilling? not sure what it means to you, just means more catch up for me though. well, that, and alarm hell. i spent the better part of the past week in my bed with bronchitis. i'm pretty much guaranteed a bout with that about once a year-- but i think this is my second go round, and not a fun one. and let me add, i got quite a bit of extra nagging with this round as well. y'all know i love to get nagged at. yep-- mainly about smoking.
even though i cut back from almost three packs a day to half a pack... which is like a miracle-- even if it was painful, and any normal person wouldn't want to smoke -- or probably attempt to at all... i thought i was doin ok. apparently not. and y'all know there aren't that many to nag at me, so it has been a quite stressful 6 or 7 days.... and on top of feelin like shit in other ways.

but, could... can.. i defend myself? ummm no. i could barely talk without choking my guts up--- much less attempt to argue over something so stupid as smoking. well, til last night. then it was really bad timing, and really just stupid, well, except that i was once again smoking in bed---and i just didn't even want to deal with nagged at for it. ugh. i was almost asleep anyhow-- all i wanted was to go to sleep-- and the lecture began. along with the sighs and other crap. ugh. don't y'all think there is more important shit happening around here than me smokin a little too much? or havin one last smoke-- even if it was in bed? well, i do. so save the lecture for a time when i'm not hangin off the edge. k? cuz i really didn't need it.

ok, so here we are again.. it is now TUESDAY morning. and a third, hopefully not as lousy attempt at a post. just gimee a break an roll with it, cuz ya gotta gimmee at least some credit for tryin right? i know i haven't been makin much sense lately. several of you have made that quite clear. even though i kinda knew i was just throwin shit out there. but sometimes i really do just need to write, only becuase i need to write" and for no other reason than that. for those who stick with me i really appreciate ite it. and for those who just can't understand it and think i'm mental, well, that's cool too, i reckon. i hear it a lot lately. online and face to face--- it seems NO ONE understands me. and i've known that for a very long time. it just seemed that lately i guess i thought i knew more people, so maybe at least someone would get it. but i am still too fragmented, and cryptic. or just flat too afraid to let it all out. and that's ok too. it has too be,
i'm sure none of you let all of you out to shine your entire self show exposed here. it's too vulnerable. too open, and bloody raw.

y'all know things about me, and i know you can accept some of it. you can deal with it the best you can, and you have already accepted me with it for it, etc.
some other things, too many just don't get. and that is the part or parts that i need to leave out of here. find somewhere else to put it. there are places i could talk about it. with others who truly know what it's about. people who need to assume, or guess, or get scared, or run off. or worst of all fear me for some reason. trust me , i am nothing to be afraid of. that's one thing for sure.
the worst thing i've done to anyone is break a heart or two. not intentionally. but it happens.

most of what i'm dealing with lately has been contained within the walls of my home. not that it's where all the "incidents" occurred", but the dealing with, ok, arguing about, trying to put straight, failing, and falling apart.. it's all happening, where we should all be the most comfortable. but instead, this is where we do the most damage to each other, and ourselves. shit-- you'd think after 16 years of marriage , two forty - somethings could handle a fourteen year old kid. well, it's just not been that easy. it's been a close to daily issue with this in one way or another for months. and has more than taken its toll on each of us in more ways than one.
but what the hell do we do about it now?
it seems , in my hubbys recent analogy-- we are like a triangle-- sometimes these two points pull together and work, others these two, at times each point pulls away only working for itself.. we get no where doing things that way until we all pull together equally, we will never be a perfect triangle. and we won't. the worst thing-- you'd expect a kid to be rebellious and pull away, not give a damn, expect mommy and daddy to fix everything for them. right?
or maybe the man-- sometimes the only "bread winner".. to go to work, that's his job right.??
which leaves mom... supermom.. to keep everything else together. fix the probs, fix the fam, pay the bills, cook, clean, keep track of her own umpteen million drs every month, be sick and mental at the same time, but walk over top of that to get the others taken care of first.
UNTIL, she can';t any more.
and even when given a break, or reprieve-- she is so guilt driven... she still can't stop for her-- no matter how right or wrong. what about he or she?? mom stil has to take up for them, do for them. gotta do this, must continue that. go get this, get her that, ugh she just needs more time. just need more time. she constantly runs until until she's beat. until her body and her mind force her to stop. whether she wants to or not.
a person like this gets lost. resentful, angry, cold, and bitter. feels overlooked, invisible and taken for granted. and soon, once overwhelmed, becomes stalled out like a twenty year old pinto ! haha . ahhh my cursed pinto. memories. really, it had the curse too. it was stolen once, recovered , pretty well strippped, no sun roof, stereo , etc. i fixed it back up-- and twice after-- it was broken into TWICE more !! both guys guys busted tho-- the thiefs who stole it never did, but they used it for paint and construction and ruined it.
soooo---eventually.. as i tried to sell it once for real cheap--like 3-400 as is.. the good thing about the car? it had a new engine-- and camshaft -- so just the motor and rebuilt tranny i had put on it was worth that... good sale gone bad. i went to get the rest of the money one day-- my mom and neice in the pinto :))// and me following in my lil izuzu pup behind them.. we are driving out of the parkin lot, and the folks decide they want their "non-refundable" deposit" back. so we tried to0 haggle, but ended up leaving, but insisted that we had a receipt to show it was non nonrefundable, and we drove off again.. we take off with a polite "screw you" == read what you signed-- so the guy throws a wrench threw the back frickin hatchback of the pinto my mom and neice were in. we only went a couple miles and of course stopped to check the baby-- almost two in the back seat. she was fine, but could have been hurt by glass--if not hit by the wrench.

so-- time passes, we drive the car-- my mom does.. it loooks like shit :((-- but runs like a top. so one day-- i'm fixin to bounce a check.. for right about 136.00 no idea what it was for-- but i really needed that money fast to cover that check.

so we--me and my mom-- don't even ask me how i ended up livin with her. it 'll take some thinkin. ugh. i think i remember now, but i aint goin there yet-- i'll save it for a part two. so anyhow-- i'm walkin out of a 7-11 and a guy a few years older than me, a little cute, but nothin to scream over-- and an older guy--who turned out to be his dad, walk out too.
my mom puts on her phone sex voice... ERG..yes, really. you'd just have to hear for yourself to believe it. (e, le le let me ask him" ugh.
she says something out the window to them about buying the car for 106.00. (or 136.00) then when they come up to the car-- makes ME finish talkin. good lord i was not a talker. especially about stuff like that. i may as well been askin for money to get tossed in a hat.
so-- somehow i manage to get my hardluck story out-- about my impending bounced check and how much trouble it will cause with the NAVY, etc... and how whatever it was for was oh so neccessary... ugh. of course whatever trouble it was-- was HER problem, not mine-- yet there i was, scrambling to get her-- and me out of yet one more mess she had gotten me into--- can ya tell i'm lovin on my mom today?

so of course-- anyone in the world who knew a thing about cleanin up a car to turn a profit would jump on that, and they did. two tires are worth 100 bucks. and even though this was no car for a 21 year old, it was a decent and newly redone-- yet -- newly re-trashed car-- it had potential.
and really, was worth 6 - 800.00 even in the condition it was in. even if just to re-sell.

so , like i said-- i think.. they bought it-- on the spot-- . and did re-sell it. for profit-- after sinking little money into it.

i really don't know how i got on this subject-- but to cut it short--it became one of my most embarrassing times of my life! my mom tried her damnedest to get this guy to MARRY me. you just wouldn't believe it. a shot-gun wedding of sorts-- even tho- this was not the father of the baby i was pregnant with. and i was humiliated. the sad thing-- HE woulda done it !! in a heartbeat-- but i didn't want a thing to do with it. no way in hell was i gonna marry this guy i met in a 7-11 parking lot-- selling/buying a car--- it wasn't like i didn't have a better choice ya know. i did not want a man at that time. i was suffering enough from the asshole factor at the time. i had made a poor decision picking the real father-- i did not want to find myself making a mistak with a step dad too. i wasn't ready for a relationship. if i was-- i think i would have been with the father of the baby -- wouldn't you agree/ knowing me-- i think y'all would agree.
BUT-- this guy, didn't have a brain cell in his little head for one thing. ya just couldn't talk to the guy-- he was in his twenties.. mid i guess... and still lived at home. he was pretty crude, if ya know what i mean.. i am too-- but not so much when i was "dating". i knew how to conduct myself ya know. i still do. if i need to act like i have manners i am able-- he wasn't ... he was just a pig. he didnt look like a pig-- he just was a pig. know what i mean??
but she really was trying to force me to marry him. i just couldn't believe it.

smocha lived nearby-- she can tell you more prolly than i can, cuz of my bad memory. i just remember one night my mom invited him over, with ice cream.. and i went over the edge, after only a few minutes of talking with him.---i hated him, and my mom, and what she was trying to do. i made him leave, i kept the ice cream, ;00 , and i never saw him again. LOL ---- did i mention that i was like 8 months pregnant, single, doin just fine-- aside from bein a total bitch and wanting nothing to do with any man at the time? especially an out of work preppy wannabe...loooooseR ? ugh.

so-- yep, i went into a mini rage-- he left-- my mom shut her mouth, i took the ice cram to my room, and ice creamed my ass to sleep. :)) the story of the cursed pinto and the devil. i mean... "the pinto, the prego -- meet the matchmaker from hell." :))

now-- seein as it only took me three damn days to write this damn post-- i reckon i maybe should share it with y'all. especially since i am falling asleep, and i really don't know why. i slept ok last night. compared to the other two or three.

so yep-- i'm gonna go take a nap-- soon as i immerse myself into some more stress.
:)) more happiness to ya peeps-- and a happy rest of the week to each of you-

holy hell people--

this is just gettin to be just too much. i have been tryin to write this damn thing-- obviously-- for days. wth? distracted much? i just get sidetracked at just the moment i think it's almost time i can post post it -- then .. boom.. i have to go and do something, or go somewhere. when it just isn't quite there. ya know. so i draft save it, until i get back to it-- and the same damn thing happens agian.
well--- i'm just hoping i can hit the post button on it this time-- and i do hope it makes a little more sense this time around. i know that last one was a bit loopy. sorry for that.

so. i guess this brings us current? right? in this sea of soul-isms. but first-- i must get coffay and bring my yappy dawg inside lest a neighbor pellet gun her dumb ass.

ok.. i am back. ahhh

anyhow-- i want to tell you that life is settling down here, and all is well, etc. but that isn't so much the case. it is getting there though. we are taking steps to get there. but man, it will take time. the three of us have very strong personalities, and at this point--and the passed many weeks.. they clash against each other. and that makes communicating, in the most difficult of times that our little family has faced, near impossible for us. but we know we are doing all we know how, and all we are told or suggested to do.

i know i have run in circles with the root of what has caused such turmoil here. and maybe i still won't be able to say "everything". it really wouldn't be right for me to do that. not on a public page. ya know?

but i know some of you still care, and haven't given up yet. i know some have thrown their hands up in frustration. and i can handle that. i don't hold hostages. there's the door. you're free to leave. it's a two way street and the phone works both ways. right? that's how i see it. doesn't mean i care any less of any of you. but if you don't understand me.. then maybe you never will, so, either accept that-- or move on.

anyways-- what i was gettin at-- the best i can do is give you a few hi-lites.. which may be too much information as it is. but it's the best i can do-- and no more than that-- for now.
but i think it's time you know a few things.

1- 99 % of what has been messing with my mind and personality-- and time for blogging-- have been issues with my daughter.

2- these issues, have snowballed from what seemed "normal teen-age behavior" - to downright terrifying, life changing , relationship altering, self destructive, life events. (for her---and us_)

3- my child , in a matter of a few weeks, has lost friends, been in trouble with the law, twice--, been involved with OTC--AND illegal drugs, and a very wrong and dangerous crowd to be hangin with.

4. she also spent a week inpatient psyche for suicidal idea, and threats.. which led to another week outpatient-full day treatment--

5. she now, has just started a drug rehab outpatient program.

6. since i had the seizure-- one of them.. maybe the second in july-- she has treated me like absolute shit--i can't say a word without her shutting me down. or making it an argument.
finally last night... the topic of us going to las vegas came up-- somehow in all the problems and shuffle-- her dad and i forgot to tell her that we had canceled our trip to meet jamie and her family there. oops. SO-- i had a little bulb go off-- and without really thinking, i said to her-- "oh man, we didn't tell you?.. we aren't going, we would never leave you "like this"... we didn't tell you!"-- is that why you're so mad at me??"
sooo-- she says.. without really even thinking-- "when you get sick, i seem to pull away from you-- cuz i don't want to hurt if something happens to you".
i don't want her to feel that way.. or for our relationship to be this way. i understand more now. but i can't heal myself. i can't make myself not have a seizure if it's gonna happen.. i can't not have a i can't breathe attack in the middle of bronchitis.. if it's gonna happen.
and ya know, i see my own husband do it too? it makes it really hard to live like this . because from the outside-- ie.. bein me-- it seems that neither of them give a damn. it seems they don't care-- or want to talk to me. the reality is.. they just don't want to be too close to me-- cuz i have been so sick in one way or another-- for so damn long---- that -- none of us really know-- when, what, or how-- or even why-- i could just drop dead someday. any day. it's just pretty fucked up.

i do my best to hide my feelings, but lately i just can't. i am so IN depression lately - it's not funny. i am rarely out of my room. it doesn't bother me. i like it there. i really do. i'm sick with bronchitis, no one wants to hear that. i'm depressed, i sure as hell don't wanna talk to anyone. i'm weak and saggy, and laying down is my most comfortable place to be.
it's just ridiculous really.

and i will admit i am a bit jealous lately too. she and her dad have this little bonding thing goin on lately too. to me it seems that they have ostracized me-- taken sides against me..ya know. i say one thing-- she runs to dad, and he bails her out. like what i say or think doesn't matter.
i feel smaller and less significant by the day around here.

i feel bad for not writing regularly-- like i know i absolutely need to on here-- for you-- and for me. i think i may have hurt some peoples feelings here-- totally unintentionally of course. but i think it has happened.

i hope you understand more now-- that it has not a thing to do with any of you. i miss all of you.
it's just that i have been keeping these "secrets" .. i spose trying to be loyal. but in the meantime.. only hurting myself , y'all, and my family too, because of it. maybe tryin to fool myself that there's some quick and easy-- presto-change-o- fix for this shit--- but really there isn't.

unfortunately, when we say-- oh hell, NOT MY kid. ya gotta tallk, ask questions, look for answers. cross the line and do a room search. i was so against a room search, i always appreciated and respected her privacy-- until that first room search revealed our darkest fears. and later opened doors for even more lies. as a parent, you need to be aware. watch for the signs. and trust your instincts. cuz i tell ya-- it was a long time before we had the facts that our instincts told us something was goin on. we just didn't want to "hear" it. i still don't want to hear it. new stuff comes up almost every day--

and well.. all i can say for me and hubby-- our stress and health is suffering. it's so hard to look back only a year and a half-- and see my little drug fee, straight edge kid---- and to look at her now. i can only wonder wtf went wrong. and of course where did I go wrong.

but ya know-- i can't blame myself for this. we have talked to her about this shit-- for many years. what it can do, how it can affect you. we even went as far as to tell her just how susceptible she is to addiction, and it's just better to not find out, than to experiment. yet, she had to find out the hard way. and at age 14.

anyways. as parents, we are doing what we know how-- and what we're learning along the way lately, to just give her the tools--and try our best to be patient, and realistic. it's up to her to use them i guess. i only pray that she will.

in fact, it was only yesterday, after weeks of this, that we realized, a lot of her mood, and attitude is withdrawl from the damned drug use. not to mention the emotional bullshit that comes along with all the other crap. she missed almost a full month of school, she has been forbidden to continue a few relationships with friends who were involved in this shit. she obviously was NOT thrilled to be locked up for a week, and then attend all these other group sessions that last all day--then to return to school to face the questions--and ugh, answers to "where the hell have you been?". i really do try to understand her feelings. i was very close to her situation when i was young. not a competition, a comparison. but really, i am beginning to understand more. so, i give her space , just to prevent arguing all the time. but in the meantime it only hurts the two of us, because really we do not speak to each other at all lately. it breaks my heart-- but i am happy that she and her dad are getting along. he is desperately trying to keep that line of communication open between the two of them. of course-- while i feel like a jealous outsider. but that's ok.. for now. i do see progress. and that is good.
is it easy? oh hell no. and it won't be. we could be back at square 1 in a day... a week, a month.
but i sure hope not.

the hardest thing i've ever done is to watch my daughter fall apart-- and be forced to step aside while someone else-- her dad and docs-- fix it--but if i don't, the conflict between the two of us will destroy all of us.

i am beginning to think that going through this process, is worse than burying my own baby son.
the helpless, hopeless, doomed, and worse--being unwanted, or not needed feelings... are destroying me.. slowly.

and what makes it worse? this is my annual crack - up time anyhow. i've done alright the passed few years. sure i get depressed, even more than that. but have pulled through. but this time , my third and only living child is suffering, right at the time that my eldest son would be having his twentieth birthday. 20. good lord. i just can't believe that i would-- or should have a 20 year old son.
sometimes when i do think of what a handfull soulkid can be-- even before this last few months when it got so out of control...
i would say--
my God.. how in the world do people do it with three and four kids??? knowing that i should have three. i didn't realize-- consciously, until day before yesterday... my son Patrick, would be grown. i wonder what he would be doing with his life today. how he would be doing. would he be healthy, and smart? athletic? outgoing? disciplined? respectful? i honestly think that things would have been different if he had lived. not only with him, but in turn with soulkid. i think "only children" do suffer with a terrible lonliness that few of us know. and i also think i made a terrible mistake in telling her about her brothers. especially at the age she was when i told her.

and now-- she has no idea of the significance of this time of year-- but for this last few weeks.. she decides to talk about them. jacob and patrick. at a time i would rather just let it pass silently-- every other day the boys names are brought up. not to mention the other terrible pain she is going through, and the pain it causes the rest of us-- i struggle with these so raw bloody wounds, that i can't help but want to run from. just from all of it. and that makes me feel horrible. about who i am. how i am. and especially what i am. or who i have become.

i want to be "soul" again.
but i really feel like i have crossed some line somewhere.
said too much to some.. too little to others.

i sit and watch the sun set
each night upon my day
i hear it kiss the dusky sky
and send a prayer Gods' way.

well... i guess that is all i got for now--- it'll prolly make no sense-- again...
or if it does, will only make things worse between the kid and me.
not much else i can do though really. is there?

i see two choices here...
in my life, people wise---

i have my family, and i have this blog.
when one wavers, i have the other.
sometimes, i have both.
that's when things are the best you know.
lately, i haven't had much of either, and it has been very tough.

i can lay it out -- let you choose to stay or go-- once again.
i know you know i'm not all here..all the time. so what.
but hey... no one is forcing you to come here. or stay here.

just don't bullshit a bullshitter.
either you're on my side or you aren't.
i have a lot of links there-- if you aint stayin, let me know so i can get some out of the way-- deal?

anyhow-- i gotta go-- i bet i've said that three hundred times, but i do. so i am outta heah.

ps-- i am not gonna waste your or my time huntin down pix..even tho i have several hoarded up just for this post-- i need to get busy.

take care peeps.;

i think of ya lots-- know that-