Friday, March 11, 2011
howdy folks! yep - i still breathe. sorry i haven't been around. (insert broken record here) . as usual -- there's been a lot goin on here. a lot that i can't hardly remember half of. again, as usual. i don't know where the time goes. i really don't . i guess we would all know that if i would write - eh? just seems i don't have the time. maybe i just don't have the desire. honestly. i think deep down, that's what it has come to. i think i have lost my passion to blog. i think about writing every single day. i think about y'all, every single day. just seems that no matter how much i -- think about writing -- i just don't.
y'all know, even when i don't have anything to say , i find something to say. even if it's just nonsensical babble. that passion has simply faded until now; and i just feel that it's almost a duty to get in here and write. nah. that's pushing it . it's not a duty. i do still like it. i think what happened is that over time - i began to feel like i need to be more clear. make more sense. ramble less. and i don't think i'm capable of that. not with my mind, or the way it works. i feel like even tho i have a lot of friends, and readers... i leave so many speechless to what i say sometimes. ok-- often times, that it's better to say nothing at all.
BUT - after a while of not writing -- y'all tell me you want me to write. so hellifiknow. damned if i do-- damned if i don't? i really do feel connected to y'all -- and of course to my blog. i wouldn't be here after all this time if i didn't. i just really feel like i have done something unjust here. i can't place it though. i think i have hurt people that i care about. i think-- no, i know i have put too much of me on these pages. much of that, i know you-- or many of simply cannot understand. (in my 'soul-speak').
i am a person that either you 'get me'- or you don't. i feel like i hit a spot -- in my manic -depressive state -- at some not so far behind us point -- and i really messed things up. i messed up relationships that meant the world to me. in and out of blogland. most of you are still here and on my side. and i see that now. it has been a long time that i have felt that i destroyed too much - too fast here.
and as most - if not all - of you know... in my real world -- people close to me are only family. i do not trust 'people'.. i don't talk to people. i avoid people. friends? what the hell is that? i went like ten years without a real life friend-- and when i let go- and let it happen. it of course went to hell. and ya know what? i don't think i can even tell ya why. i have given every opportunity to open that line of communication... because really, it's ok. i need an apology maybe. or perhaps i'm the one that needs to apologize-- i think maybe explain is a better term. i haven't been given the chance. and that's just too bad. in that whole experience? i learned two things. i was right in not having 'friends.' and i will never let my guard down like i did in that one -- again. i haven't so far. and i wont.
that doesn't mean that i don't care about-- or even love y'all... i just have a bit of a protective layer over not only my heart -- again.. but also my mind this time.
oh HELL. that isn't even close to what i was gonna say -- i think y'all know that -- but like i said-- y'all know me by now. i can't help myself. i wonder what would happen if i were to be hypnotized? i bet i'd write my book!!!! :))
so. yeh. you want me back? here i am. you want me to shut the hell up? i will. but not right now. cuz i figure-- hell, i'm in here and apparently on a roll-- may as well go with it. right? oh shaddup and just read. :))
ok first--- i gotta say -- i -- like most if not all of you -- i woke up to the japan news on tv. holy crap! i don't know about y'all, but MY first thought was JYANKEE -- also known as JY -- on my page - and maybe yours.. and many times 'gecko sis" on mine -- man, she has been my friend for a long time. i immediately went to her blog-- the only way i, at this time know how to contact her. luckily she is OK. and she was online. phew. she and her family are ok. let's pray that it stays that way. i can't stop worrying. the more i see on tv- the more i worry - even tho she is ok now. (she posted in my comments in previous post)
ya know what? anything else i planned on saying doesn't matter right now. i'm watchin the news -- california just got hit-- and i have a life-long friend - and more out there too. holy crap.
belay my last on what i said about friends. i love my friends. i just won't be makin any new ones any time soon.
y'all stay safe -- my prayers are with all of you who stand in danger today!