Saturday, February 13, 2010

i had a really cool idea for the photo challenge -

BUT ---

well, y'all know , nothing ever goes as planned around here. i could explain some things -- but it would just sound like whining. so i'll just say i haven't had the opportunity to take pictures. at least not the ones i planned on for the challenge.

i wanna ask y'all a question though. way off topic of the photo challenge. but i'll say it anyhow.

i don't feel like myself lately-- and Lord knows i haven't been even writing like myself lately. not the myself you know. not 'Soul". and that's nobody's fault but my own. but it is keeping me stuck. ya know what i mean?
i shut down my other blog-- and moved over here-- and in my husbands own words

"shut the door on everyone".

ya know-- i'm not even sure why i did that myself . all i know is that he's right. and that it's also not the first time that he has had something to say about y'all, and the way i may have made YOU feel, by shutting you out.

i do know a little about a little bit. and that is only that i felt a little paranoid. i apologize-- but that comes with the territory. it's part of me-- i wish it wasn't-- but it is. by that -- i don't mean -- 'me' -- but it is part of one of my many ailments - which would be "bi-polar" - or what many folks call, manic-depressive disorder".
i have been so in the middle of an 'episode' for i have to guess, goin on two months.
i won't try to pick apart the reasons "why". and i sure aint gonna blame anyone.
when this happens -- usually 2-4 times a year -- it is nobody's 'fault'. sometimes something may 'trigger' an episode. and sometimes-- no one can even guess what happened-- it just happens.

i don't have the 'manic' y'all hear about on tv , or read about in books. you know, the one where the person goes off on shopping sprees, or has affairs, or parties til they realize they should go back home.
nope- i'm not lucky enough to have the 'fun' , yet sometimes still expensive and damaging manic. not me. i got the one that's reserved for the few that, feel that they can't trust anyone. that everything everyone ever said or did to or for them was a lie-- or a 'conspiracy'. that they were not ever meant to be loved or to amount to anything. and that every thing bad that has ever happened to them -- or even someone they loved was their fault. every argument-- every friendship gone bad -- every person who has died before amends were made--- my fault. and in turn i get extremely paranoid and angry. the only way i have ever acted out on these feelings tho-- was towards myself. verbally-- (in my head- for the most part) -- and physically-- in other ways. - insert your imagination here.

unfortunately, the depressed side of this same 'disorder'? holds the same 'emotions' (?) -- along with some others. both also sometimes include 'flashbacks' of things that have been said to me. downgrading, abusive things. maybe said to me by my mother-- other family members-- or friends. even strangers- or acquaintances, or co-workers.

in the rare case that i end up in what is called a 'mixed state" -- or sometimes 'rapid cycling' - stand by to stand by my friends.
it is then that i become a ship on a white squall --- and totally lose control.

of course- when this happens- i try my my damndest to not let it 'show' -
and eventually - yep - i fail.
it is impossible to hold 'that' inside.
wouldn't ya think so?

because basically , my heart, mind, body , and soul, are raging against each other-- raging against me. and for me, to struggle to keep that shit in check, is a lot more difficult that one might think.
i run around here-- feeling like that-- but i try to be all happy faced, and do what i'm sposed to. go to the mall, go to the movies, talk to people, be funny ole 'soul' on my blog.

well, ya know what? i can pretend only so long. brick by brick the weight on my back is getting pretty damn heavy.

and NO -- it's not all about me. if it was all about me.... you don't even have to wonder where i'd be. i would definitely be somewhere where it was all about me. not here. where i have to be careful not to voice too much pain. not to be sad, or depressed. definitely don't go off my nut. and God forbid, don't isolate.

just put on a hapy face. but yeh. i recently found out -- that even tho i thought i was doin ok in those areas? sweet child says to me-- 'you look sad all the time, and that makes me sad."
you stay in your room all the time, and that sets a pattern for me"

lovely. no matter how hard i try--- i fuck it up.

she hasn't even noticed that i don't stay in my room all the time anymore. only if i have a migraine-- and even then-- i sometimes just slap an eye patch on and stay out there with them and watch tv.

the way i 'look' -- holy crap-- i have had that 'look' all my life.
'smile".. you should smile more"
gawd -- if i had a dime for every time i've heard that shit-- i really would be rich.
well, if i'da saved it anyhow.

i know she's a kid - but even before -- she came into my life--- i lived in hell.
i'm not a person that sits around and smiles all day. i smile when something makes me smile.
and yes-- when i get too close to people-- i guess i do push them away-- or even "shut the door on them"--- many times i don't even realize it when i do it.
i just cannot be hurt anymore. i can't take it anymore.

i didn't mean to hurt any single one of you . i really believed that i had done something to someone- that i didn't even know what it was. and i thought there was some 'grapevine - rumor control- conspiracy " out there that i didn't know about. that y'all were sayin stuff about me. that was the reason that folks weren't talkin on my blog so much anymore. i had shit goin down at home , on my blog, and in my mind-- and i didn't know what else to do.

so i ran. it's what i do. i couldn't run away from home. (physically)
so. i ran away in my mind. not only did i run away in blogland---
in some way i did run away emotionally at home too. and it affected my family.
it just wasn't brought up til this last few days. in a BIG way.

i can't tell ya what happened with her-- or how far it went with her-- but yep-- you guessed it-- more blame on MY plate. she should have been able to come to me. i should have been there for her. i thought i was. this was the day robert had a heart attack.
a whole nuther story in itself-- and more blame-- and more misunderstanding from others. (towards me - and my lame feelings)-
regardless-- she mishandled her own emotions-- because she thought i was too into myself. (at least that is my interpretation. )
she instead- has chosen to spend the last two days with friends, rather than to talk to me.
as if i would be any help anyhow.
i've heard her laugh like i haven't heard her laugh in a very long time. sometimes kids just need their friends. parents aren't always the best medicine for a hurting kid.

but-- she is MY kid. i don't want her to hurt. i don't want her to act inappropriately on her feelings-- which unfortunately is also something she learned from me.

i so suck.

how can i love people so much-- and handle it so badly???

anyhow-- i've blabbed for an hour and don't even know what i said---
but i do have a question--

do y'all think i should go back to 'soul survivor"? should i be soul again. and reopen the other page?
should i leave all this crap here -- or bring it over there with me?

what do y'all want?

i love all you guys-- i never stopped. i just got a little screwed up in the head.
it wasn't the first time. it may not be the last time.
but y'all know-- it was a bit drastic... and i so apologize.
soulman has talked to me more than once about how Y'ALL must feel.
altho- he tries his best to understand me.... i really think it's easier for him to understand the normal mind. and he has reminded me of so much. not as i forgot any of it-- but he just kinda laid it out-- that y'all would never intentionally hurt me.
that y'all called when i had a seizure-- y'all called when i had the lung clot.
'people' just don't do that for 'anybody'.

i'm sorry y'all.
for so much.

i will never be able to erase any harm i've done-- but i would like to start over--

the rest is up to y'all.
what do you want me to do?