Thursday, October 16, 2008





OK THEN, WHOEVER IS STILL HERE, LET'S START WITH THE FACT THAT--- i just noticed that i had my caps lock on. i hate it when i do that. because i am always too lazy to back-space and change it.

that isn't what i was gonna say though. i was gonna say, i have to pee .. and i will be right back. i think i shall get some coffee while i'm up too. cuz i'z tiahd. man, i'm always tired it seems. except when i'm supposed to be. but hey, i'll tell you more about that in a minute, cuz i am about to pee my pants!

ok, i'm back. and, to answer one of smochas many questions from the previous post ; no. i have not gotten a haircut yet. so, it is lookin and feelin similar to the photo above.
i'm just about as frazzled as that cat too. in fact, as i came back to this post a minute ago--- i forgot all about my coffee -- until i read that i was gonna get some. then i had to get back up and get it from the microwave. ugh. my memory is crap lately. well, when has it not been , right? it really is at its worst now more than ever though.

but anyhow, enough of that.
ok, maybe not enough of that. speaking of my poor memory. i began a post the other night, and never got it up here. it's sittin in the draft file right now. i don't even know what it says - i haven't read it. all i know is it was a night that i woke up at like 130, and never went back to bed. ahh yes, maybe the night i burnt my laptop keys. ugh. how stupid is that. anyhow-- i also noted the last couple lines on the post are obviously sleep bloggin lines. heavy heavy sleeping hands, that make no sense. so, now i wonder if i should put it up-- but i will have to read through it before i can decide. but knowing me, if i read it, i won't want to post it. so part of me says to just throw it up here, and let it lay. i wrote it for a reason right? even if i was half asleep.

good Lord i can be stupid sometimes.
ok-- speaking of stupid-- take a look at this picture:

see the dude on the far left?
now, pretend he doesn't look like he's about to vomit --
doesn't he look JUST like soulman????
well.. like twenty years ago??
i think so.
i think so alot.
very weird.
i keep forgettin to put it up here-
i even forgot to show him.
what if it is him?
back in the day. haha.
that would be funny.

alrighteee then , now what? ya want me to just toss my sleep-post up here? ok i will.. but i am not gonna proof read it-- you get it as-is. cuz i'm just lazy like that---

i hope it doesn't mess up this one gettin to that one-- i guess i'll copy and paste it off the draft to keep from messin things up-- i hope.

(middle of the night monday? maybe tuesday?)

so. have you ever noticed that when you get caught up in your own little world, that sometimes it becomes hard to see anything outside of your own little world? i'm sure you have, but if so, why do you-- or we, keep going back to that?

yes, i am speaking of myself here, in a way. but the thing is, i'm sure i'm not the only one who does it.
i'm a hermit by nature. well, that's not entirely true. i became a hermit over time, but as i became comfortable living that way, it was ok. it was just the way things were. ya. "why don't i put a price tag on that?" it depends on how ya look at it. most men would be happy to have a woman who hated to leave the house, or shop--especially. no fancy clothes, or jewelry, or :out with the girls", or whatever it is "people do'. nope, not me.

ya know, kinda like me... i took the kid to school, came home, picked up the kid from school, came home, perhaps had a dr appointment in the day, cooked dinner - usually before hubby got home from work. i was basically a stepford wife. but in reality--- i was agoraphobic. terrified in a grogery store..forget about a department store. oh and Lord forbid, i enter a mall. i might go into the mall...once a year, for christmas. if i was lucky. or if my kid was persuasive enough.
i don't know what i'm trying to get to here. not a clue. maybe just how far i;Ive come this passed year or so. and then again, how far i have seen my self fall behind in only a few short weeks. pretty wild i think. swingin by in the pendulum. waving right passed normal, i swing by. normal? balance? huh? i never heard of such a thing.

well... speakin of swingin passed balance and shit-- i just passed into the twilight zone.

(back in the now)
(i went ahead and deleted the chicken scratch where i obviously fell asleep at the helm)

maybe i shoulda just left it in the draft file eh? but oh well. maybe whatever it is i was trying to get at will come to me one day and i will finish it up??? who knows. guess we'll find out another day. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

ok folks, how bout we start over???

i think we have all established the fact that i am half outta my mind lately-- but hey-- half, is better than all the way. right? oh and hey-- just the fact that i am posting right now shows that my shrink did not lock me up the other day. that much is good . which reminds me:
a few people had asked what the ole head shrinker had to say...
ya know, she has been my doc since 2000? maybe even 1999. no of course you didn't , but you do now. she's almost like family :)) of course i'm kidding. but people just don't stick around that long in soul-land. of course-- i pay her to stick around, so she doesn't have much of a choice does she. ha!
but anyways-- losin my train of thought here--again. sorry--but as soon as i got there, she gave me the strangest look . i can't even put it into words. i didn't think i looked too awful "bad" that day. i mean i was havin a decent hair day at least. but i was like half seated, and on the way down, and that "look" stopped me cold. so i''m just like holdin the chair arms, and stopped half way down and was like
i didn't have a clue as to why she would look at me that way. i wish i could explain it. it was freaky. almost like i had something on my head or face that just did not belong there. ya know? i don't know. but it seemed like a full two minutes passed before she spoke, but i'm sure it wasn't that long. but she finally broke the silence with a chuckle and says..
"you look like you have dark circles under your eyes, i think it's the shadows".
(she's from pakistan, so with her accent it sounded funny)
so i went ahead and sat and i said "it is dark circles under my eyes"
and that's how we began our conversation...
with her wondering "why" ? (i looked so absolutely shitty)

and it ended with me asking for a prescription for pot!
she laughed, and told me she can't prescribe it--- but she would for me if she could. she is so cool. i then asked if she had anything at all she could give me to just make it all go away?? unfortunately, that was a no as well.
but, she did get me to laugh a little and it was good. she also doubled my prozac-- from 40 mg to 80 mg. the highest i've ever gone on prozac was 60 mg. hmmm. hopefully it's gonna help. if not-- she will wean me off of the effexor-- and we shall try something else. i think i'm just a lost cause. i have been on anything and everything at one time or another-- the only thing i have not tried is electric shock. and i'll tell ya--- if i am gonna sit around and cry or be mental all the time? i just may go there. i asked for it once several years ago-- when absolutely nothing would help me. i was so in depression for months and months. but still, my doc-- same one-- didn't want to risk it. but i won't go that long like that again. but-- don't freak yet--- i do have good days on occasion, so i'm not considering it yet. only if i can't dig myself out again. then i might think about it.
anyhow, as i walked out i said "don't be surprised if you find me crying on your doorstep one of these days".
(i have done that before-- like three times, and each time, i was admitted. so, she wasn't sure if she should laugh or not-- but she chuckled , and so did i . then i got in my car, and i cried. dammit. make up my mind would ya??/)

so yep.. that's how things have been goin lately. can't sleep-- or sleep too much. can't eat, or eat too much. can't think--or think too much. don't talk-- or -- yep-- talk too much. (meaning, say the wrong thing to the wrong person.. or whatever.. ya know what i mean? people just don't understand. but-- then again when i keep it all inside-- it makes me stupid. "for lack of a more politically correct term :))

ok, what else. wanna talk about manic for a minute??? as in manic-depressive "manic".
for the first time in my life i am havin the "good" kinda "manic".... only it's not that great. i mean it leaves destruction in its wake. but hell.. when i'm "in it" it's not too bad.
like for instance -- i been shoppin my ass off! i NEVER shop---ever. y'all know that. lately? i been shoppin for days! course i don't have any money, really. so little money, i have even skipped a few bills-- only til tomorrow, so they aren't REAL late... only a few days late. but still... i AM my mothers' daughter. i'm a shoppin fool.

last night.. i maxed out .... as in totally almost within 25.00 maxed out my sears card. remember how i said i was gonna get a little tv for my office? umm, well i did. only i didn't get the little one that i thought i might get. nope. they had one. a simple 13" regular tv. 109.00. i almost got it. but then.... i saw IT. it's still in the box, but tonight or tomorrow- i will show it to you-- but i just HAD to have it. so unlike me. y'all know right? i just don't do that. and i had hubby with me. i thought maybe he would help me control myself. well, he didn't. so i got IT. a 19" HD tv, with a built in DVD player.. that will hook up to my laptop! how friggin cool is THAT???? too cool to return, dontcha think? cuz yep i thought about it. i thought about it all day-----

all day---while i was shoppin :)) at Ross.. and Marshalls -- with my other credit card. :((
it didn't have much left on it-- but it had enough to make me sick for spendin it. it's maxed out again now too. oops. but hey. the office looks mahvelous. Plus, i got some shirts for myself. i never buy myself clothes. i wear clothes i have had for six years! i'm always buyin stuff for the hubby or kid. this time i bought shit for ME.
oh but i got the ugliest shirt ever made. i just don't know what i was thinkin. i have to return it tomorrow. i had to ask soulman if it was really as hideous as i thought it was---- he was speechless ! ROFLMAO!!! i told him , no need. now i know it's awful, if you can't say anything. ugh.
really. it's baaaad. i'll show you it too, before i take it back. ugh. really. wth is wrong with me?
maaaan. maybe i should go to the hospital-----before we go bankrupt !! next thing ya know i'll be hoppin trains across country or some shit. geesh.
but hey-- i don't think i've cried since i left my shrinks office. i think i could get used to this kinda thing. well, as long as i don't end up broke--or in jail. :))

oh and just so ya know-- my "normal -manic" --- is baaaaddddd--- i have never had a episode where it's even remotely fun or exciting. i usually get really really angry-- for no "apparent" reason... and i hate it. and i hate everybody. but not lately. not this time. very strange.
i wonder how long it'll last? i better get to decorating my guest room and stuff--- before it wears off. ya think? :))

i am tired though. i think i will be goin to bed soon. not sayin i'll sleep. never know when that'll happen. seems the more tired i am, the less i sleep. weird huh?

so anyways... i think this post is feelin very long right now--- so i bettah shut thy face.

perhaps i will set up my tv, and re-video my office--- because in answer of another of smochas questions--
nope-- i did not edit the other too long video-- it will take less time and effort to just make a new one---- besides i have more new stuff in here anyways.

so-- i shall return. sometime in the near future.

come back and see me... if you dare.

and bring food!!!!