Monday, October 18, 2010

me again

hi y'all.  what's goin on in your world today?  just thought i'd ask, cuz i really don't have much goin on here in mine.  i'm just writin here to make my appearance.  see?  here i am!  i do need to get back into the groove of writin more often.  it isn't just the writing you know-- (for me) --it's the 'communication' part.  the checkin in with y'all, sayin hi, givin me a chance to let you know i think of you, and i really want to know how you are, and what is happenin in your lives. ya know.  cuz i do. i  just wanted to make sure ya knew that.  in case you forgot during my absence lately. 

*side note-- random photos ahead  :))
(randomly placed for added pleasure !)
i know.  i visit y'all about as often as i write anymore.  i apologize. but i do think of each one of ya daily-- prolly doesn't mean much tho.  right?

 it's hard to not get wrapped up in my own crap around here sometimes.  hmph. it's a little strange to think about that sentence.  or the results of it i should say.  it used to be; back in the day- the more i had goin on in my world-- the more i wrote, and acted a fool.  now?  the more i have goin on, the more i seem to shut down.  and shut folks out.

soulman - rangers vs. ny game bound!

i think many of you know me well enough by now to know that i have been fightin many medical issues for way too long now.  even on my best day, i feel like i should be in some kind of assisted living 'place'.  i 'heard myself' say to hubby only a couple weeks ago-- i don't even know what or how i said it-- but i used the word "sad", in describing my life.  'it's sad..."   that was the first time i have used that word about my life in anyway -- in my entire life.  not for lack of opportunity-- but for the fact that i had never reached that point of despair before.  when i heard those words come out of my mouth -- even I nearly cried.   it's so not me.  so not "soul." 

has anyone seen this heathen sailor??

i don't mean i don't get sad.. or feel sad .  i'm human.  i mean the way i said it.  understand?  i hope so.

i honestly don't know where or even if i belong anymore.  i know - logically- that i could outlive everyone i know.  yet, physically? mentally?  for at least the past three years i have been feeling like i could drop dead at any second. seriously. i have crazy symptoms, and diagnoses, weird shit happens to me all the time. (medically).  bad/scary things- like blood clots and seizures, and headaches that make me vomit continuously for hours.  scars on my brain. scars on my lungs. (infarctions- to be medically correct).  cysts (1), and benign hemangioma tumors (2) on my liver. severe pain 24 hours a damn day. agorophobia, people phobia.  years of this. 

yet i forge ahead... slowly and clumsily... but i go.  lately, i TRY to not even mention/talk about any of it anymore.  all the crap i wrote here last time?  unless my hubby reads it here?  he won't even know about it. i'm sick of hearing about it all myself.  i can only imagine how tired my family -- or even you all- are of listenin to it.  but i do have to put it somewhere. sometime. right?

 here's where the mental part of my problems come into play. aside from the fact that i'm bi-polar (surprise!),  all the physical pain, and problems, and worry?  obviously, chronic for over 15 years... has led me nowhere but to severe and chronic depression as well.  where do you think that takes me?

 especially at certain times of the year-- such as NOW-- being as October 25 '88 is my first born son's birthday...?  every year is the same.  i relive it over and over again.  days, weeks, months of it.  why?  his death day is march 19th- '89.  no.  i wish i could tell you i re-lived his birthday. it just isn't that way.  it's the death day, and the viewing ., and the funeral. and the police -- taking his (portable) crib, blankets, and bottles, and formula, and baby food, out of the house-- as if I did something to HIM. it's the nurse at the hospital - telling me to "
be quiet, because i was scaring other patients".. while i screamed and laid over my dead babies body on a hospital gurney.  "Patrick".

i die a thousand times a day -- i grieve for two son's.  i have PTSD because it will not leave me.  both of them feel and 'look ' as fresh as yesterdays sunset. 
these scenes, and thoughts will never leave me.  not even in my sleep.  i haven't slept a single night without meds since august 1996.  when i lost my second son Jacob".

my mind, and my body turned against me when i lost Jacob.  i died that day. my spirit did. -- and now every day since i die more and more.  literally.  i am dying.  an unimaginable, slow and painful death.  that just refuses to happen fast enough.  so yep.  are you wonderin if i get suicidal?  that would be a hell yeh.  i do.  i have been for many years. and it is a hard battle to fight. silently- in 'your' own mind. but i do it.  i do it because i have a daughter.  the only one out of three children that God let me keep.  she is the air i breathe.   she is all that makes me fight through this life i am forced to be a part of.

my baby- off to home-coming
that's a bit of an oxymoron eh?
 God must have some awesome plan for one of us.  i know she struggles too.  we struggle together - at times only for the other.  and only God knows why that is.  sometimes i think she will be the death of me-- then i remember - she is all that i live for.  she is my baby-- she needs me... no matter how independent she wants to be. no matter how much she doesn't want to admit it.  she needs me.  and i need her. 

before long, she will be out on her own.. somewhere.  i'll miss her.  but as long as she's breathin... i spose i will too.  while it's in my control i mean. 

i ate him for dinner tonight
after the photo!