Sunday, November 2, 2008

look y'all, i'm "Bodacious" ! :))

howdy folks--happy sunday-
i should have put this award up days ago. as you can see tho-- i , personally haven't posted a whole lot here since i been out of the hospital (sat) . i finally got my ass around blogland a little bit yesterday for once. i still am behind a few pages but i think i'm gettin there. sorry if i didn't make it yet-- i'll get to your place today.

Raine-- from "aftermath" has given me this award, and it's so cute!
she was the first one to call me on the phone as i left the hospital. and i do mean FIRST. i literally had just sat my butt in the car to leave the hospital when her call came in to check on me.
talk about psychic eh? so far, i think she's had the best-- and really it wasn't the greatest, even tho it was the best energy -wise---- conversation out of me since i got out. i was not much more than winded and in a bit of pain when she called. even though i had to cut the call short, by late that night, it was like i had made no progress at all.

so, i wanna thank Raine for the award, and for the call, and for thinkin of me, and for all that other mushy stuff.

and again, thanks to y'all too.

this gettin sick sure has a way of wakin a gal up i say.
for i was , if you hadn't noticed, having a pity party for all pity parties about the time i went down. and wouldn't ya know it? folks i don't even know-(i've seen ya-just haven't spoke to ya) - stopped in to drop hellos and check in. it really helps. or do i say has helped? i'll say both-- cuz y'all still check in, and it still helps :))

i want to say what a difference it has all made with everybody stoppin by and talkin, tellin jokes, sayin hi,--- sendin cards and flowers and stuff...(not to mention little sloths :)) -- because it really has -- made a difference i mean. as in making me want to get better, and back amongst the living.

but i did see myself totally give up by going back to , and staying in bed ALL DAY yesterday--

waking today-- much much too early i realized that layin in bed wallowing in my own pain is not how i am supposed to be living right now.
well, not that i have a whole lot of choice at the moment--- but if i'm gonna whine i should at least be upright while doing it, don't ya think?

i'm a person who really has had a lot of "second chances" in life , ya know. i mean, i shoulda died here-- had a close call there, scraped through a coupla car wrecks on my feet that i really shouldn't have. but i , for some reason, can't get this feeling to go away. not this time. not the-- God's not done with me yet" feeling. i just can't figure out what it is i'm sposed to do. ya know? i'm just a "disabled" ole mental cracker, who gets more limited physically by the year, if not by the month more-like this year. but i keep gettin back up. and i know--- i really know this-- that a couple of years ago-- like before i met yall and had this blog, and some of the relationships i do...that i would be one of the ones that just gave up and quit a long time ago.

i am way surprised i haven't taken that opportunity -- especially with this last little trip to the hospital. cuz really, it's beginning to seem, that each time my health takes a dip-- it is more serious than the last. i think i coulda let this one have me... "breathe this way-- don't breathe like that-- you'll collapse a this that or the other thing. i was coached through the pain just as if i were having a baby. so no matter how many times i have said it-- or only thought it--
i'm just not ready "to go" yet. so i reckon that rather than give up the fight to live-- it's time to live to give up the fight???? shut up-- it made sense in my head! :))

just a few weeks ago, i really thought i was cracking up--- kinda looks like it now too eh? ha!
but really, now i can contribute it to lack of oxygen to my brain. i still get confused and really try to talk as little as i have to. i really can make very little sense at times, and even the drs say it will take time. and i'm ok with that. beats bein as mental as i thought i was. i'll take dead brain cells any day! :)) they come back-- sometimes.

alright now-- speakin of which--the senility, i mean -- where the hell was i?

i guess i was just tryin to say-- that i thought i was out of fight, ready to lay in a ball of nuthing in the corner and give up. i was done. and i wanted anyone and anything around to help take me out--- a week ago. but wow. not today. not anymore. now i want to get UP. i want the pain to stop so i can get movin around and help my family and friends the way that y'all/they have helped me... even when i wasn't aware of it. and there's been 100 times i wasn't aware of it. and i am ashamed of myself for that.

is it making more sense now?
i hope so.
i don't guess a person can come that close to really dying, even if it is what they thought they wanted, to have it not happen.... again.... without wondering... ok, what next?

every other time in my life that i have said--- or avoided saying "what next"-- like it was something bad. and normally this would be too i guess. ya know.. "damn clot, what next?"
--- but it isn't that way this time, . it's more like .. ok...
"here i am.. what am i supposed to DO next?"
rather than what's gonna happen to me next.

hard to explain i guess, maybe thats why it is taking so long to try to just say it here. or maybe i'm just not the master of words that i would like to be.

when i was sick in New Mexico... 2005 ... when we thought i had cancer, and found the addisons disease etc... i thought my "purpose" then was to just get my kid the hell out of HELL> (NM)... ya know. i knew she didnt need to be there--i knew i didn't need to be there. so that was my focus. to get my family back here and get us healthy again.

well, we got here, and settled again, but the health seemed to worsen, my kids situation even worsened. men are resilient-- soulman can bounce around and be fine wherever he is i guess. but this time this crap even affected him. broken hand, beat down body, stress at heart attack level--- but he's holdin it all together. he always does when the shit hits the fan tho. and yep, i'm usually always surprised.

so i don't know-- it's NOT location. in a way it is. i really don't see how soulkid and i both can fall apart in the same state at the same time-- like NM, and now HERE too--and not be location.. i really do hate NM. but really-- i can't or shouldn't blame NM for this or these situations lately. otherwise i would have to blame texas too. and i can't blame texas. someone already wrote that song :))

i have tried to blame God-- but in the wrong way i think.
is it God??? oh you bet i think so. but not a punishment as i had thought. not intentionally bringing harm or unrest to my family or me.
i feel like it's a whole nuther lesson. funny that it's a lesson i thought i had learned already--- but it isn't. obviously. i don't even know how to really put it into words what "it" is. but it has nothin to do with "me". not in the way that i had thought.
i mean God doesn't do things TO us. it took me this long and this much to realize that. unfortunately. and some of these lessons recently--- aren't even mine. isn't that the weird part? my dealing with others "lessons", problems, pains, whatever ya wanna call them"--- have taught me things i have needed to know or deal with for years.
i have totally lost my mind peeps. i have no clue what i am trying to say . but like i said-- i can't keep a thought in line anymore -- but then again, when could i? (as angie so kindly pointed out) :))
somehow though--- i think y'all might finally be gettin it??? i think maybe i am.
at least i hope so. cuz it's not me who has changed at all really. it's y'all who have made me want to change. or maybe it's the ole "saying" -- "you made blind eyes see, now make seeing eyes blind."?

because now i think i see a lot of what i never saw before.
make sense?
maybe it does maybe it doesn't--

maybe i've had one too many pain pills...
or a little too little oxygen.
but life has taken a whole new meaning--
or i have taken a whole new expectation of such recently.
and i think i like what i see.
i really could do without the pain tho. yep -
it'd be nice for that to go away now.

but-- i have a confession to make--
i fell off the wagon... i told ya i was addicted.
weak and addicted. i almost was over the hump-- but smoked again. back at it for two days now (sorta.. 1 1/2 more like) . and i will admit i feel like an ass for it.
i know it was the addict in me who said it would take my mind off the pain-- and just like i knew--- it did/does NOT.
so , once i get passed (isn't there always a "but" or a "so"-- ? erg
when i can deal with the pain better without meds --and apparently cigs--- i'll give it another go. i was almost there. i could go hours without thinkin of a smoke. not now. call me dumbass.
but hey-- i can act like my kid and say "at least it's not drugs!". right? :))
the pills would be easy to like right now-- IF they actually DID anydamn thing. which they don't. well, aside from make me look like an ass online. but some seem to find amusement in that- on occasion. so we'll just roll with it eh?

i musta got lost (that song just ran thru my head---as i lost my place again.)

so i shall wind down... bet y'all are ready for that huh? talk soul--- shut up soul :))

whaddaya think about soulmans' song/video below?

"soulshine"?? :))

he snuck in here and did that ya know? i had never heard that song before. i kinda like it-- sorta like i like the big ole goof who cared enough to post it too.

which btw-- in case ya wanna see-- here's the lyrics for it---

When you cant find the light
That guides you through a cloudy day
When the stars aint shinin bright
And you fill like youve lost youre way
When the candle lights of home
Burn so very far away
Well you got to let your soul shine
Just like my daddy used to say
He used to say soul shine
Its better than sunshine
Its better than moonshine
Damn sure better than rain
Hey now people dont mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day
I grew up thinkin that I had it made
Gonna make it on my own
But life can take the strongest man
And make him feel so alone
Now and then I feel a cold wind
Blowin through my achin bones
I think back to what my daddy said
He said Boy, in the darkness before the dawn
Let your soul shine
Its better than sunshine
Its better than moonshne
Damn sure better than rain
Yeah now people dont mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day
Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul
A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this
And when your world seems cold
You got to let your spirit take control
Let your soul shine
Its better than sunshine
Its better than moonshne
Damn sure better than rain
Lord now people dont mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day
Oh, its better than sunshine
Its better than moonshne
Damn sure better than rain
Yeah now people dont mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day

c'mon ovah--
coffee's still warm !