Monday, January 19, 2009

famous last words

hey folks-- i think this is just gonna be one of those -- "just write, and see what happens" , type posts. i've been feelin pretty crappy over the last few days. as if you didn't notice. right?
well.. i prolly don't need to tell you this -- but it's not just physical stuff that is pissin me off.
it's a lot of things. things that are out of my control. things i can't fix or change without seeming like a perfect fool. or bitch, for that matter.

i've just been in a funk for days. don't ask me what finally made me cave in. but somethin did. ya'll know -- there really "is always somethin" holding you back, or pushing you forward, dragging you down, or lifting you up. holding your hand, or biting it when you it feed it.

there's usually a "trigger" for me, and i usually can recognize it just before i begin the downward spiral or "an episode" like this. this time, i wasn't prepared. i thought things were getting better, and actually going rather well. til the trigger got tripped/ with no warning. that's when every wall, every structure, every 'thing' came crashing down around me. and it wasn't til yesterday that i even had a hint of it. a not so very subtle hint.

---- holy crap y'all... i just fell asleep! :))
why do people say that when they are writing? "i just fell asleep". they never say it til they wake up. why don't we say. "holy shit i just woke up"!

blogging?! oh shit! i was.... WTH did i say? and where????

luckily, i am in my office, i might have done some sleep cruisin-- but that's just somethin i do sometimes. if i left nonsense on your page, feel free to remove it.

i obviously have no idea what to post about today. can ya tell? i have been looking at some new blogs lately-- some i find linked on other blogs, some i find online searching for other things . regardless... some of this stuff i come across just speaks to me. ya know? i don't mean "speaks to me" - in a crazy way. i mean it just maybe "gets to me" . like a bad tattoo, or even an evil image may emerge in my "sight". and just jumps up and beats me about the head and face, screaming for me to wake the hell up, and move on. saying to me that it's time to stop standing in one place and feeling that i can't move forward and make changes.

because we can all change our character and feelings. --- or so i've heard. i guess that's one thing i have the hardest time with. well, at least being consistent about. believing that i can change. that i can be different. become some semblance of "myself."

i just can't make myself feel that. i try. i get there sometimes. or perhaps i get very close to there. but it goes away. that "me" fades as quickly as "she" appears. i know how that sounded-- i haven't quite lost it all yet.

i am aware of what started this thought process--- all of it really. i'm a little bit smarter about my mental crap than it may seem sometimes. i mean , i have done literally years of research on this shit. and more. i do know. and i do know it wasn't one thing. it has been several things piling up, one after the other. i won't list them here. perhaps i should list them somewhere though. just because it might be a good thing to do. i don't know. maybe because i know i'll forget all of it in about five minutes. but ya know, at this point, it is all so overwhelming i just can't tell ya a clear thought in my head.

yesterday, i worked around the house. a lot. ya prolly couldn't tell by lookin. in fact .. you can't. but i was on my feet for almost all of the day. i noticed ants in my pantry. actually i noticed them the day i got home from iowa. but y'all already know -- 1- i have no memory. 2- i don't eat much.
therefore--- i had good intentions to clean out the pantry for days--- BUT i kept forgetting.
til yesterday. the night before i saw them again.. so i made a note-- to clean that motherfucker out. so i did. lemmee tell ya-- easier said than done. OMG. between that and the fuckin dishes it was literally an all day task. and i mean like 8-10 hours. i last about 15-20 minutes on my feet before the pain begins. real pain. i always hurt to an uncomfortable extent-- but gimmee time-- and it escalates to unbearable throughout the day. exertion as light as sitting straight at a desk or standing up for any length of time-- forget it. i'm screwed. and i was screwed yesterday. even with pain pills, they didn't do a thing. but i worked through it.
i didn't have a lot of dishes either-- i have been washing dishes every day ---and cooking-- since i got back home. i know it's hard to believe but it's true. so i had to unload the dishwasher and wash a some stuff from the fridge-- and of course-- the midnight grazers--- UGH.
but ya know what? and i kid you not---- every single damn time i left the kitchen for any length of time--- say five or ten minutes--- i would go back to find MORE dirty frickin dishes sittin there!!! a few glasses-- plates.. whatever. maybe not a ton-- but enough to just piss me the fuck off.
i finally got the pantry finished. all expired food tossed out--which mind you-- still sits in 2 boxes waiting to go outside----ugh... (ya know-- it doesn't look so bountiful in there once ya get rid of all the old stuff, and crap that has been just stuffed in there?) --so there i am... feelin all proud of myself--- not to mention, ready to cry--or go to the emergency room for my friggin back.. and everything else pain. - when i go to change my bed sheets. i strip my bed.. limping by this time-- and very bitchy --BITCHY i say. (because a particular soul has done very very much of nothing at all while i literally busted my ass constantly).
i walked through the kitchen towards the laundry room with the dirty sheets-- and what do i see?
yup-you guessed it! MORE FUCKIN DIRTY DISHES!!!! can you guess what happened????
you guessed it again. i flipped my damn lid. that's what. i have been bustin my damn ass in this house since i got home on saturday. ok-- sunday. i started workin on sunday. i think. yes i did. do you know how far i have gotten in this house? dishes , cooking, and laundry. THAT is it.
and i do not eat ! i eat dinner. period. WTF. soulkid didn't get home til tuesday. i don't see soulman eat that much -- i honestly do not. what is he ? a stealth eater??? like the fuckin stealth bomber??? both of them??? where the hell do the dishes come from???/ somebody tell me.
every time i turn around there are dishes... and i am pissed.

no wonder i hate dishes y'all.
no wonder i am bitter.
no wonder i tossed them all in the damn trash that time.
this place would not look the way it does--sometimes---if i had some fuckin help.
OMG y'all just don't know how infuriated i am.
being at jamies those few days--- ugh. i was reminded of what my house used to look like. i never had a house look like this....or what my homes have been like for the last how ever long. my sister can vouch for that. even when i was drunk all the time--- my house was clean.
ok-- dishes? not always--- but there were never so many.

how in the hell am i supposed to clean my HOUSE, when i can't get out of the damn kitchen???
i had so many plans for yesterday to get caught up. thinking the pantry AND dishes would take at most-- a couple hours. i'll be damned if it didn't take 8. no shit.8.
and by then.. i was dead.

i wanted-- and really needed to get my bills paid. i wanted to get my office tidied up-- vacuumed etc.
i wanted to start sorting tax receipts.

i never left the kitchen.
i did the pantry-- dishes--and changed my sheets.

oh and on one of my breaks-- i read part of my mothers (deceased btw) medical record.
if you're wondering why-- it was cuz i was looking for a poem she had written. years ago--.
it was quite upsetting.... to say the least. i have had these papers for years. 5-6-7 years. 8 years? i don't even know anymore. but a long time. i never read a word of them. until yesterday.
the kid who lived with her the longest as the "child"--- and got the most of the neglect and abuse-- was mentioned the LEAST in her psyche records. is that ironic or what??? i was invisible even then. i knew she didn't want me there--- but i had no idea... she didn't see me.

well... on that happy note-- i have bills to pay , midnight grazers to clean up after--and other things to do---

typical monday i spose.

oh , no i didn't find the poem she wrote. in a way i'm glad i didn't. the parts i remember of it are enough.

by the way---

i am not gonna be around for a while.
i don't know what a while means this time. but i have a feeling it will be longer than the other breaks i've taken. if not a total eclipse of the soul.

later peeps
stay happy in your worlds
i'll work on it in mine.