Sunday, March 25, 2007
ola my peeps. well, i know my last several posts have sounded , well, a bit dismal i guess. to say the least. but , today just seems a little, not that bad. which is a good thing. i mean i don't feel wonderful... but i don't feel like jumping off a bridge either. which, by the way, has never been "on my list"... in case you wondered. so anyhow, ya, today is alright. i'm sorta tired...well, actually i'm very tired. i slept about five hours last night. but i've done that before, and lived through it. i'm sure it won't kill me this time.
so. what's different about today? i don't know. i didn't get to sleep til real late, and the dumb dogs woke me up at like six or so this morning wanting to go out. Midnight...the mange girl.. well she figured out that if she flips her fat ass tail against the window blinds in the bedroom, next to the bed, i wake up a lot faster than when she just pants in my face ! so, brilliant as she is in her senility, she slapped the blinds around til i couldn't stand it any more and put them out. then i made coffee, and did my good ole smoke and choke routine. (half a pot of coffee and a half a pack of cigs....before anything else). so while i was sittin there feeling guilty for smoking in the house...again...i began to watch the only televangelist that i will dare watch on tv.... Joel Osteen. (i used to watch his dad years ago, and liked him too...but he died, then Joel took over the ministry)...so anyhow. i swear, it was really a message that i needed to hear. it rarely isn't when it comes from him. but it was about...beleive it or not... letting go of the past...and not listening to the criticizing voices in your mind. and he didn't mean like psychotic voices...he meant the stuff that just comes up and tells us how worthless we are, how our life will never change, how this is our punishment, our lot in life....and how it isn't true !!!! well, it isn't like i have never heard that before. i guess i just never heard it when i needed to hear it, as much as i needed to hear it today. i think maybe the difference in today than the passed many... is that perhaps i feel...or see... maybe, just a glimmer of hope. instead of a ray of hopelessNESS. ya know? and i'm behind in everything...housework, dishes, laundry, all that jazz...as usual. my back hurts...as usual...i have no food in the house....as usual....but ya know.....i think i just don't care all that much today about that. i'm not gonna let it paralyze me. i think i just might gather up the hubby and girl, and get out of the house. ya i know...shocking, aint it? but maybe we will go to a movie, or just something... away from here. together. not everyone in their own seperate room, on their own seperate computer, doing their own seperate thing.
well...maybe i'll write more later...maybe i won't...but til next time