Saturday, January 30, 2010

thought i forgot - didnchya ?? well- surprise :))

The Brenda Photo Challenge Is BACK !!!!

sposed to be three pics-- but i always gotta do things my own way :))

i did 4 :))
and that wasn't enough :((

here's my photo challenge pics :))


"best of 2009"

we finally bought a house- and we love it :))

my youngest nephew got married- first of the 3
(he's the one in the middle)
congrats- and best wishes to him and his lovely bride :))

we had much to be thankful for-
'thanksgiving 2009

Christmas 2009
me and my girls-
all that was missin was my sistah
(we'd complete 'the golden girls :))

i spose i shall have ta post again later-- or not-- depends on how the day goes--
hope y'all have warm, fun days today in your worlds-
i'll try--
yesterday-- believe it or not-- i actually accomplished things -- (thank you God for my legs!)

Friday, January 29, 2010

step away from the fish !

mornin peeps---

yeh, well, that title could mean anything under the sun when it comes to me , huh?
well, let me enlighten you. you already know (maybe) that i met my friend for lunch yesterday, and she gave me the portrait she had made of my son. if you didn't know, you know now.
we met at a place that 99% of the time we go to. mainly cuz of my senility i think-- and it's familiar, and pretty much a half way point for us to meet, between our homes.
so. the weather was crap, and visibility near zero on the freeways, due to rain, and good lawd, the traffic was pure hell. i'm surprised i made it without takin a xanax, or ragin on someone. every-thing, was pissin me off. traffic was bumper to bumper and i was late--- which i felt better about when she texted and told me that she was late too.
i told ya-- no one can drive here-- cept us :))
anyhow--- rewinding--- or 'something' -- there we are at the restaurant (thank God for spellcheck-- to this day i can't spell that word!)-- so we talk a while , then order-- finally. jlee gets a nice, healthy- yummy- lookin lunch-- sandwich and a salad. WHAT do I choose? yep-- catfish. fried, catfish. i had a bad feelin from the start-- cuz the last time we ate there i got fish-- but it was cod-- usually it was good-- but that time-- somethin was just 'off'. but-- i wanted fish-- i thought-- maybe not cod-- but catfish would be alright.
ummmm..... NO. it was ok. THERE. how do ya think it is NOW???
uhhh. yeh. it was really a bad choice off their extensive menu for me to choose catfish. because i am quite - well- ill, this morning. never again. NO fish for me at that place. i think maybe they switched whoever they buy their fish from. cuz it is just some baaaaad fish.

but what do i do about it now? it's paid for. it's 'gone', not much i can do- is there?
i actually brought leftovers home-- but thank God i had the sense to toss those. they sat at the table for an hour while we chatted after we ate-- then another hour and a half in the car. by the time i got home-- there was NO way i was even gonna consider eatin that after all that time sittin out. bleh. obviously- that was a good decision.
so-- yeh, i do believe i have a bit of food poisoning this morning.
what a way to start a day :))
it's cuz i am me -- you know that right? ok.
i know-- and i apologize-- food poisoning- is never a good visual is it? sorry.

so. let's move on shall we?

i'm gonna show ya the portrait J did for me. i am IN LOVE with it !!!! absolutely, positively IN LOVE. i didn't even make it all the way home with it before i had to stop at a framing shop with it. i just have 'that kind of ' luck that if i did take it home-- something awful would happen to it. a dog would pee on it-- coffee would spill on it. only God knows what kind of schleprock thing might happen.

so, there was a lull in the rain by the time i got to a place kind of close to home- so i went in with it. totally blind, mind you. i have NO clue how to choose frames, and mats, and do things like that. i go in , i chat with the 'frame girl'.. tell her of my lack of creativity--- and leave it up to her. she starts mixin and matchin.... and i can only 'trust her' . cuz there i am.. totally lost-- and scared to death 'something' is gonna happen to this picture. i just want it set up-- and put away safe til i can pick it up.
finally i 'think' i'm satisfied with what she chooses-- and she explains to me 'why' she chose the colors and style etc... made sense to me-- so i go with it-- and i'm on my way.

did i mention-- i have never had anything framed in this manner before? well -- lawdy-- the sticker shock is somethin to talk about-- but i won't mention that. cuz i sooooo love it-- and it is sooo worth it to protect it. it's gonna be amazing hangin on my wall. umm, no. i don't know which wall yet-- but prolly in or near my office. i'm thinkin.
oh, and when i came out of the store? the sky had opened up again, and it was like walking through a dang shower -- or maybe some kinda 'thing' at a water park.. goin to the car. that was the only thing that made having to wait til 2/10 to get the pic back worthwhile. i woulda had a panic attack had i had to take it back out into that rain. it woulda been destroyed. so-- now i just wait-- and i am on pins and needles. i want it in my house --- on my wall-- right now! i have no patience when it comes to things like this. :((

anyhow-- not much else happenin here--- cept-- i've slept two good nights in a row-- without raisin the pain meds-- so this is good. the worst is over. it is so strange to me how a body can be 'addicted' , and the mind not even know it. it kinda sucks even. four days of hell, and i didn't even enjoy the ride. just my luck.

anyhow-- time to go to school--- in the coooold and rain. wonderful weekend ahead looks like. bleh, yes i'm being sarcastic. i'm sure ii'll be the shut-in that we all know i am for the next couple days. i need to move to puerto rico or somethin after soulkid -- hm that just slipped out... gets her life in order in school or marriage.
haha that made me laugh-- y'all know we're joined at the hip! i'll be goin nowhere further than i can drive from her. we all know that's not far at all.

anyhow-- have happy days in your worlds today peoples

I'll hopefully be scratchin things off my to-do list.
ha- yeh-- i know- i'll get back to you on that. :))

Thursday, January 28, 2010

i should be gettin ready to go-- am i ? umm, no.

but not til after this song! i am in love with this song :)) i could-- and have, listened to it five times in a row. have you heard it before? i just love it.

but anyhow-- in other news. the thunder just started. i don't mind thunder-- but most of ya know that Eevee is a scardy cat when it comes to thunder. it scares her to death. we don't really know why. but it just does. she absolutely hates it. poor baby.

so anyhow-- i really should be ready to leave by now-- i took the kid to school this morning half dressed-- as usual. she's been goin in early for almost two weeks. she had to make up time for absences, in order to get her drivers permit through the drivers school. what a drag that has been for both of us. we have both gotten used to the goin in at 9 thing. now the losin an hour in the mornin kinda sucks.
funny part? she texted this mornin after i got home -- and told me -- she only needed to make up 3 days--- which was only 3 hours-- which was = three days. haha-- she's gone like 12 days. i just told her-- oh well, if nothin else , it was a good lesson in dicipline. i expected her to cuss at me or somethin-- she only wrote back-- 'whatevah'

she loves me. oh well. we're glad that's over with. now she can get her driving hours in and get her permit. y'all have no idea how scared i am just to think of my baby drivin in this town (DFW) . even I panic in this traffic. OMG -- save me.

so anyhow-- i almost forgot to tell ya where i'm goin today-- i know y'all are dyin to know - aint ya? :))

well, some of ya know i had to reschedule my lunch - slash - picking up of the patrick portrait - with JLEE last week.. right? remember that? my cerebral flatulence. i been pretty good with - if nothing else, that, lately. so anyways- we are meeting today, in just a couple hours for lunch and the pass of of the portrait. i can't wait. i hope it isn't pouring down rain --ugh.. with my luck it will be. i'm wondering if i have something to put it in to keep it dry. i don't think i do. but it's raining now-- dammit. and it's sposed to only get worse as the day rolls on. but-- it'll be good to see my friend. it's always a good time with her.

so. not a whole lot has been goin on here. but i did finally consult dr google of my latest feelings of being drug through the mud.
wanna hear what i learned?
well, i had already figured it out-- google only helped confirm my suspicions ---
friggin norco withdrawal. yes i know. i don't abuse it-- or even "like" it. but like i've said-- i take a high dose. so.. since monday-- i haven't been taking as much. i've maybe more than cut the dose in half. i carry a small pill box that only holds like 6 or so , and hadn't needed to re-fill it til this morning-- normally-- i take that much or more in one day. so umm, yeh-- by yesterday i felt so bad, and hadn't been sleepin, had been all anxiety ridden and grouchy-- just all kindsa stuff-- i finally thought-- hey-- you don't have to like it for your body to miss it. like a lot of my other meds-- even shit like effexor makes your brain feel like lightening is striking it when ya miss one or two doses. of course my first thought was -- take a friggin pill :))
but then of course i thought twice about that-- i was three days into it already-- the worst was almost over-- well-- they say a week or two-- but still why go backwards - right. so instead of goin backwards-- i just went to bed at a decent time-- and took an extra sleeping pill :)) can't win for losin maybe eh? but i did finally sleep the night thru-- and hopefully i can get back on track and tonight will be better.

on that happy note-- i must get myself presentable and hit the streets... nobody knows how to drive in this town when it rains.

road rage here i come :))

happpy days to y'all

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

i seem to lack the will to find the will to GET UP

mornin folks-
nope , i haven't fallen off the face of the earth--- yet. still kickin out here in the grand ole state of texas. it only seems as if i've vanished. but no. i've only been slothing. or perhaps collecting mold , like the sloth that i am.

i honestly don't know what happened to me. it's been hard for me to stay awake during the day-- and hard to sleep through the night. peacefully or solidly at least. my days and nights somehow got turned inside out. i don't know. but it aint been any fun. or productive. that's for sure. i know it's only been a couple days-- it feels like a week though.

anyhow-- hopefully it'll get straightened out soon. and i'll get back on track.

i feel bad that i'd been cryin about lack of comments here and all that- and y'all have been so good about it now, and here i am bein the worst of the bunch and not even visiting anybody, much less talkin to ya'll on my own blog. i oughtta just be strung up and horsewhipped. i'll catch up. and i am sorry. can't really blog when you're crashed out tho-- can ya?

ok-- so anyhow-- enough of that i reckon.

where do i start?

wanna start with how my legs are doin after the 'shot' ? that sounds like a good place-- i think it is gonna work. i still have some pain there-- but if i had to-- i bet motrin or some other OTC med would cover it. (i'm not sposed to take those meds tho- cuz of my belly issues-- eegads- it's always somethin with me, aint it :P )
so anyhow-- yeh- still takin pain meds-- but i bet it's cut in half from what i was takin just a few days ago. they never made me 'feel' anything like you'd think that amount would-- but i'm sure it's better to not take so many. so. the pain has lessened-- and i believe that it will continue to lessen --- if it gets as good as last time-- it was 98% better in that area -- so i'm thinkin positive there.
and i thank all of you for your positive thinking, good thoughts, and of course your prayers sent my way!! :))

next? the boat? wanna see it? it's so purty. i had posted a pic of it once on my other blog-- but i only left the pic up for a couple hours, before i felt i may jynx it. cuz at that time, we had very little money paid on it, and i just didn't feel real secure about it. but now-- it's almost paid off, and of course plans are in the works for pick up, and everything is in motion to make it ours- and bring it home. :))

so. without further ado---- here she be :

(and for smocha-- here's the trucka- we already have :))

the only thing about the photo? we get it without the engine :(( we will have to use the engine from the boat we have now--- which is actually smaller than what we need for that much boat. but it's only temporary. for non boat folks-- the motor is actually the bulk of the price of a boat-- especially a used one. that motor there? prolly costs about 7 or 8,000.00. the one on the boat we own? it's worth more than the boat it sits on. maybe 5- 6,000. and the payoff on our boat -- is a tad over 4 grand + . pretty sickening when ya break it all down huh? so-- i aint even gonna say what we paid for the 'new ' one-- even without the motor .... but it is gonna be awesome to not have a boat payment. well... after we set the one we have on fire---- oh did i say that out loud? sorry-- i mean after we pay it off :))
y'all know we aren't that kinda people. we're gonna double up-- i hope-- on our payments and get it paid off. or maybe trade the hull for part of a car for our spawn :))

oh i think this is the last of what i got for now---the built ins pic. remember when i mentioned painting them? well, to be honest-- my place is a wreck at the moment-- as if you couldn't have guessed that - right. so here is a pic that was taken one day that we looked at the house before we bought it-- the decor is not ours the way we have it now. but you can get the general idea of the layout--
- painting suggestions? -

so yeh-- that's the brezz-land update-- what's goinin on in your world?

hope y'all have happy days today--

i'm dressed- that's a start- right? :))

Monday, January 25, 2010

holy crap i found everybody -

does the entire world live on facebook these days?
i don't mean that in a bad way, but geesh. i went over earlier today to revive my facebook account-- and i was mobbed. not that it bothered me. i love attention-- you know that. seems a couple folks thought i locked em out of my other blog and just kept goin. so this first part may be a re-run for a few of you-- skip it if ya already heard it--

that isn't the way things went. i did explain what happened somewhere in here a few posts back-- and so far i don't have a whole lot of posts on here-- so if you think ya need a little more detail you can look around for it. k?

but-- long drawn out dreary story short?

i had a mental attack. i'm still workin on it. but i'm not doin as bad as i was a few weeks ago. for those who've been around a while already know that this is just somethin that happens to me from time to time. and that as history proves-- i eventually come out of it.

example? -- if i were a brush fire? i eventually burn myself out. right?

but-- as per scientific evidence proves-- if a brush fire is not left alone-- or better yet-- 'controlled.. protected, not to spread" --- and someone feeds that fire-- or worse, throws fuel on that fire.... what happens? yes-- you guessed it. no matter how much, or how little fuel is tossed onto the fire-- it grows and it spreads.. and even the lightes of breezes, will continue to feed it.

ya see where i'm goin with this?

i hope so. cuz i'm tryin to make it simple-- and i think i'm gettin a little carried away.

so anyhow-- right now-- no one is feedin the fire-- so it is now smoldering, and will soon be burnt out. k? i'm doin what i can to burn it out.

such as the SHOT today come on in the rest of ya-- here's the


i went in and came out fairly well. walking. talking. and doin fine. when i woke up, i didn't feel any pain at all. i was thrilled. i was groggy from the sleepy medicine of course. came home and like i thought i would, i slept a lot of the day away. i woke up right about when stez was headin to school to get my spawn. (how's that for a name-- she calls her own self that one :)) -- our spawn))
anyhow-- that's when i began to worry. :((
mainly at the injection site--- it was pretty sore there. i didn't worry too much about it. didn't need meds or anything for it. i just really needed to get UP and move around some. so i did.
then about an hour later-- if that? the pain came back. not as severe. but it was there. and i got sad. i took a pill, and calmed my panic and disappointment, when i remember that it really does take days to weeks before it actually kicks in and 'works.'

so-- i reckon it's wait and see, for now. i'm gonna stay positive on this. it worked last time. i don't see why it won't work this time.

i did talk to the doc about doin a rhizotomy there too. he didn't sound to keen on that idea (for me)
i mentioned to him, that if i reacted the way i did on the last one-- that if i have the same or similar reaction on my legs-- i will be in a wheelchair... he agreed. and that ended that conversation.

i think we'll stick to shots--
y'all say your prayers will ya-- maybe i'll have good news to report in a couple days.

tomorow i will have a pic of the bubba boat for ya to see. hubby is gonna head out to pick it up on like the 6th. he's gonna take eevee of course, but he got a bit more good news the other day. he now has plans to visit two of our nephews-- my sises boys on his way. he's pretty excited about that :))

so anyhow-- more tomorrow peeps-- i didn't get around too much today in blogland-- i was a little 'drunk' -- i'll be catchin up tomorrow.

g'nite-- or maybe g'mornin.. twice :))

a pain pill ,and half a cuppa- for fuel - and it's go, go, go

howdy folks-

it's monday-- just in case ya haven't figured that out... mondays are great, aren't they? yeh, me too. i need an extra day sometimes too. but even when i have one i complain about that too. someday i'll be content. again.

i've actually been looking for solutions to my discord-- and talking them over with my hubby recently--- apparently they aren't bad ideas, and he's on my side. of course, when has he not been on my side. right?

so. yeh. i'm sittin here smokin a cig-- having had my one half cup of forbidden coffee. and a pain pill. i know-- (nothin after midnight) but i was actually told by the anesthesiologist before my last procedure-- that that is just best case scenario. and 4 hours before -- if it's black coffee and 1 pill, it shouldn't be a problem. you know i jumped on that . and i had no issues for it last time. thing is-- this time? i slept later than i planned-- which is actually good-- cuz i don't have to suffer as long waiting to go--- but there isn't the four hour gap i am supposed to have-- nope only three. i am sure it won't be a problem, but they wouln't like it. course--- who says i can't say i had coffee at 6. riiiight? yeh. that's what i thought. i can't help it if i can't live without coffee. besides, i only drank 2/3 a cup. and really - the pill - y'all know - i'm 'crippled' without it. especially the first one of the day. completely useless.

so yeh-- that's my plan for the day.

and i cannot believe there's any sanity in the fact that i actually look forward to the fact that in just a few hours i will be having a long thin needle jammed into my spine.
people fear the thought of a spinal tap---- this is far from any different than that-- except they don't take anything out-- they put stuff in. i'm a little anxious-- but not scared. i actually am looking forward to it-- cuz i know it works. at least i know it worked last time. and i walked- moved, slept, stood, sat, everything-- with almost NO pain in my legs-- or low back-- for months.

i spose the anxiety at this point only comes from the fact that maybe it won't work, and will be all for naught-- and i will ave to live with the disappointment of knowing that it 'should' have worked- because it did before. and also knowing-- that i took advantage of havin my legs back -- and didn't do things i knew i should have been doing. of course-- in those months that my legs were better-- my upper back and neck were crippling me with a pain that was near unbearable. one more notch on the 'pain scale' i woulda been crying for the last 5 or 6 months.

so. what now? wait. as usual when it comes to docs. hurry up-and wait.
put on my positive thinking hat :)) , get my ass presentable, and pray that this works.
i have a good dr. who does this. i trust him. and those two words are reserved only for him and one other of my docs. and trust me-- a wild guess? i think i have like 5 or 6 'specialists' - and really i hate every one of them, cept the two above.
so i reckon it's a plus that the guy who sticks needles in my spine is a man i can trust to at least send me out walking-- whether it be in pain, or not. he tries .

so-- on that happy note--- i must dress myself- and be on my merry way.

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today

i'll be snoozin much of mine i'm sure. they got the good stuff that kinda does that to a gal :))

when i come back to life -- i'll make my rounds and see what the rest of blogland is up to --- hope it's all good.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

movie reviews and other spews

hiya peeps-
how's your sunday so far? hope it's goin well.
here? still just smokin, and chokin. so i haven't given it much thought yet. that could be a good thing tho- i reckon. nothin too pressing goin on at the moment. hot coffee, plenty of cancer sticks-- nice warm fire burnin in the fire place-- what more could a gal ask for? not a lot. i'm good.

so anyhow-- yeh, we went to the movies last night, and watched
'the lovely bones.'

and i honestly am not sure how to 'critique' it for you. not without my own bias gettin in the way. too much of it hit me in a personal way. i almost wanted to leave without even finishing it. but-- i had to consider stez and the kid -- and simply didn't want to cause a scene by even bringing up the issue of how uncomfortable i was.

i don't know what audience to suggest see this movie-- but i can tell you that the three of us all with different perspectives and backgrounds-- had the same two words to sum it up, that we agreed on. what were they? "intense", and "disturbing".

so---- i reckon it's your call, if you choose to see it. but i guarantee-- if you are a parent-- a child-- or a 'victim of abuse' you won't walk away unscathed.

that's the best i can do on that. you decide.

anyways-- i can say that it was nice to get out for an evening with my family. it's been a little while since we've done that. so at least that part was a success . after the movie we went to a nearby boarders book store. i got a magazine, the kid (yes i know-- she needs a better name--- perhaps i may just go back to soulkid for her-- it works.) --- when hubby and i picked up brezz and stez-- the name my nephew chose for her was "Easy D" -- i just never could go with that one. especially now , at her age.

so -- we had a coffee, and hung out there til they closed around 9 pm. came home - jammied up- did a little cruisin and checkin email and stuff-- by then , i noticed it was like 10:30-- way past this ole ladies bed time- so i hit the sack.

and guess what-- here i am. :))

oh-- ya wanna see somethin i picked up-- well i paid for it of course -- i got it at boarders last night-- i couldn't pass it up-- even tho i'm not really 'soul' anymore-- i think a part of me always will be. that name made me feel almost as cool as my dog thinks i am. :))

isn't it CUTE!? this is one of those things that i could hold onto for the rest of my life -- unopened. BUT-- y'all know, unless i want to hide it- and never be able to look at it-- that won't happen. it's only a matter of time before my child -- while my back is turned of course--- ravages it! :)) bleh.
what do we say here folks? yep--- "can't have nuthin"
i'll let ya know how long it lasts before she "oh i didn't know you didn't wanna open it" gets to it :))

so. a couple more things before i let ya go:

i have some built ins that are similar to these.

and i came across these --the above/and below before and after pix
of this painting project-

i really like the blue. we don't have glass doors on ours they're just open
but i love the color. it's so much more lively--- at least I think so.
( i wouldn't wanna block it with all the 'stuff' tho)

but what do y'all think?
do you think i would have to paint the entire room (the LR)- that color?
or could i get away with the blue built ins-- in a 'white' room?
i am NO interior decorator. by ANY means.
i was much more inspired and creative when i was younger.


ok-- i won't take anymore of your time--
except for this--
i just want to remind you how much you love sushi :))
i swear she's lost her gourd :))
but we love her.

kinda makes ya think of me eh?

bwa hhahhahahahahahaha

happy sundays in your worlds peeps-

Saturday, January 23, 2010

lost at sea - or up a tree ?

mornin peoples -

yeah, i know- i'm behind in my comments-- err, replies. i'll get to those when i finish this post. (i mean when i can)

i just wanted to talk a little (yeh right - huh?) about yesterday, and my disappearing act.
well, ya see; i was a bit over taken, by life. i bet there's an acronym in there somewhere. i'll work on that later. maybe.

so anyhow- the day just did not go the way i planned. or wanted it to.
wanna know what i DID have planned?

1- take kid to school --- check
2- come home pay bills online (some late) ---- nope
3- take shower, and get ready for lunch 'date' -- nope
4- go to luch w/ JLEE - pick up completed portrait of 'Patrick' --- nope
5- get a haircut-- nope
6- wash car- nope
7- register car- finally- (in person, cuz too late to do online) - noop
8- pick up stuff at store -- not that either
?- maybe even fish a bit-- naaaaah
9-come home/ sort tax rc'ts / fix dinner/ (skip the kid cuz stez got her- and took her shoppin)
10- eat and chillax with the fam. -- not

so. what did happen?

1- woke up-- lookin forward to seein jlee, and the portrait :))
2- went online to check my bank- and pay my "late" car- and other bills
3- noticed i had a horrible VIRUS on my puter

4- got really pissed off- cuz i go nowhere but banks, bills, blogs, and emails on here.
5- like a madwoman, i tried everything and anything i could think of to kill the virus
6- remembered a dr appointment-
7- canceled lunch with jlee
8- worked on puter MORE
9- when it was too late to fix-- found out dates were wrong and DIDN'T have a DR appt at ALL.
10- so continued to blindly work on puter
11- a miracle happened-- and somehow-- my puter illiterate self managed to FIX it and kill the virus !! yes i was amazed and surprised--and damn proud of myself too.
12- but-- i was so freakin mentally exhausted - i ate canned ravioli -- i know YUM right
13- went directly to bed- did not pass go- or collect any other accomplishments for the day- apx at 230- or so.
14- woke up at after 8 pm !!!
15- i was stahvin-- but found nuthin to eat in the place that even sounded appetizing--imagine how it looked. (note to self : grocery shop dammit)
16- tried to remove the exact virus from z-chids computer-- to NO avail.
17- watched SVU , and chatted with my girl
18- went back to bed around 11:30 or 12:00

how's that for up a tree?

or perhaps a day in the life of schleprock?
i was just lost-

but-- as they say-- today is a new day-- i can either stay pissed off and depressed cuz things didn't go my way===
or i can start over- and hope for the best today. right?
every dog has their days i reckon. or-- sloth, in my case. :))

happy saturday y'all

Thursday, January 21, 2010

go ahead and say it- you won't be the first one

"brezz, you talk too damn much !"

yes, i know i do. thank you. :))

so. yeh, this does happen to be my second post for today, i just can't help myself.
well, i could if i wanted to. this passed week or so- when i feel the need to blab my head off too much; i do so, on my other blog. the one that no one has to endure.
not that anyone has to endure this one. none of you have to do anything you don't want to do. do ya.

anyways-- wonderin what's so important (to me) that i have to spill it at almost 9 pm?
well, i'll tell ya. as if you had any doubt, right?

k, well, ya see... ? i thought folks (at least those of you so far- who have been reading-- or have read 'soul-survivor' before coming here) - had at least a little bit of insight into who i am. ya know what i mean? i thought i could open this page up-- and not have to explain myself, or defend myself. remember me sayin that on like post #2 here?
well, i did say that. i said i didn't want to. i said i shouldn't have to. and guess where i stand right now? on the defense. that's where.

and like i said before--- i don't like to be there. so. how did i get here? cuz i reckon i was a dumbass maybe? but again, like i said--- i am not 'hiding' from anyone with this blog, nor by closing soul survivor. (my other one.) so, in not being 'incognito' - a few folks came over to have a look at the place.

y'all know who you are. you shoulda just said something. because half of what you read here YOU took out of context- or it wasn't directed at YOU. if you took it as being directed at you-- then maybe we should talk about why you feel guilty-- or why I feel the way I do. ya think?

anyone in the dark yet? oh i know MOST of you are-- and i apolOGIZE. sincerely.
this is just the childish games i was talkin about before.
but-- i'm not runnin this time. this is my turf. and if i end up writing for myself here then that's just how it is. i reckon. but i really don't see that happening.

good lord. i'm too old for this. who in their right mind, at the age of like 65, is gonna mess around with someones head and heart-- who has a damned mental illness?
right in the middle of that person trying to work things out , no less?
and another-- who knows more about said person than even her own sister--- to egg her on? oh pahleeze.

i so want to spew exactly what and who i'm talkin about here-- i just can't do it. i can't. i can't i can't.
i'm not that type of person.

ok-- i'll change the subject now-- because i bet it aint makin a lick-a-sense is it.
that's because i'm not feedin the BS right now. i could make a couple people look pretty bad right now. i just won't. if 50 and 60 year old women -- with 'supposedly normal' minds, want to act like children? let em... go ahead and let them enjoy their petty games.

see how far that takes them.

i will just be my ramblin nonsensical, bi-polar -- ooooh scary huh-- self--- , and roll with the punches like i always do. you see what happens to people like me-- and you see what happens to people like them.

what comes around goes around. is it karma? is it crap? is it really turning the other cheek?

cuz i'll tell ya--- i have seen hell more than once--- and i have crawled my way out -- more than once. i've knocked on deaths door-- and no one answered...
i have many scars from this battle i call my life--- the reason i continue in this war? crawl out of the pits i find myself in? because-- God has a purpose for me.
maybe i know what it is--- maybe i don't. i think i am gettin pretty close to figuring it out. the more i get shot in the back? the stronger i get... which means, i become a stronger testimonial of what God can do. even in the most insignificant of lives.

lil ole agoraphobic, bi-polar, bass fishin, crippled, me.

why? because :

or-- does He?
below is a poem i wrote the day i closed my blog.
first poem i have completed in several years.
maybe i shouldn't put it here- maybe i should-
it may be the closest i can get to
"explaining myself"
or my feelings.
as messed up as they may be.

not what i thought it would be

i used to wake up with a song in my head - but that was long ago.
i'd spring out of bed with a pep in my step - 'til even I betrayed my soul.
these days i am older with pain by my side- only one more form of loss.
i roll out of bed and i feel like i've died. - then become angry because i have not.

my first sip of coffee is followed with pills-
a few for the pain and a few more for my ills.
each day is the same as i age in this life.
my body is failing just as quick as my mind.

i trust less in this world, the paths that i cross.
though beginnings be cautious, they all end in loss.
as mapped over time, true colors are shown,
my heart lies exposed , while daggers are thrown.

it's always been this way for me. yet each betrayal feels new.
each time my heart is thrown to the ground, right behind it, my battered soul .
like a child would, i put the pain away, again waiting for one who won't leave.
though human i am, and human i'll be, tears forever staining my sleeve.

i must protect what's left of me,
before more of your lies are revealed.
it took some time , but now i see,
i must be alone to heal.

i never hid who i am, i laid myself at your feet.
i let the world see the good and evil in me.
i put it all out there, never holding anything back.
while most of you hid behind half truths and masks.

i am who i am, and for no one i'll change.
once again as i watch my small world walk away.
if what i have given was merely amusement for you,
there's plenty more waiting for your cunning abuse.


paranoid? delusional? downside of bipolar? neglected? rejected? childish? immature?

what do i say here? what do i say now?
all of the above?

really, i am on the upswing this last day or so. ok-- as of today :))
did i say i cleaned my kitchen today? well i did. and it sparkles. and even tho i was sore as hell when i was done? i was damn proud of myself. i proved to myself that i could do it. and do it the way I like it done. i didn't go pay someone to do it. i didn't wait for stez to do it. i just put on some tunage, and busted my ass. looks mahvelous.
if the weather is nice tomorrow? i just might go wet a line.
and hopefully-- find a big ass bass on the other end :))

anyhow--- that's that-- and more.
i really would like to continue this thing the rest of the way without any more confrontation, or explanation, or most of all-- feeling defensive-- or worse, defenseless .

coffee's on folks, have a cuppa and smoke-- or whatevah---
just don't jerk me around-
if i end up closin another blog? i won't come back-- incognito or otherwise.
just sayin. no threatenin.. no beggin. no nuthin. just sayin.

can i redeem myself?

can y'all forgive me?
i know i've done wrong-
i also know i've been done wrong.
up to now-- it's all good--
no bad blood- at least with those i've 'talked with'
and yes-- my bad-
i won't take all the blame- all the time- anymore

goodnight folks--
don't be hatin :))

ok. dare i ask? WTF is NEXT ???

howdy folks-- top o' the mornin to ya - really. i mean it- i do hope you all are havin fabulous days. the end of the week is in sight-- and i hope that means all good things for you.

for me? do you even wanna hear it? well, how bout a warning sign first? as if ya need one right? so far, this entire 'new' blog has been nuthin but bitchin and moanin. i promise you, that was, and is not my intention-- and it WILL change. and change- and change again. we all know that. so keep comin back. ok?

but-- (btw-- everything after 'but ' is bullshit.) just so ya know. that is one of my favorite quotes-- i wish it was an original brezz-- but it's not. i picked it up somewhere.

so anyhow--- where was i? ahhh--

BUT--- :)) and, 'what's next?' i know i dare not ever say that. it is always followed by something awful. or should i say-- it's always followed by bullshit-- just like "but"?
hmmmmm. it's true, we all know it is.

'so'... i'll get on with it-- i just hate to whine anymore -- in such a small amount of space. but hey-- it's what i do- right? i'm a cry baby- we all know this.

ok--- y'all know i was cryin about the truck money yesterday-- right?
well-- i actually have good news about that today-- i'll get to that in a minute... "but" as for the news i just got a while ago? not so good. and yes, about none other than money. OMG. why me? why now? and yes, what's next? both of these things are just out of the blue whammys. just as i'm thinkin -- we can save some money.
afterall--- we have my childs sweet 16 birthday comin up real quick-- march 9th-- but at this rate? she'll be lucky to get a darn mcdonalds party and a pkg of panties - *TEAR*
(yes- i'm exaggerating- y'all know i'd sell my blood -- or my laptop or something to make it go right for her.)
anyhow--- it is just stressin me out.
my dr. office-- the one who is gonna do the back thing-- the epidural shot - on monday called a while ago. none other than the money lady-- the insurance people lady. yeh-- to discuss money-- that they want from me-- before they will touch me.
ughhhh. i already had to shell out 150.00 the other day-- for the sedation guy. and since my deductible, obviously hasn't been been met yet-- i 'thought' 150.00 from savings might be enough-- so i robbed that from savings with the other 150.00.
well, guess what? just take a shot in the dark how much they want me to pay-- on monday--- in what, three days? 426.30 !!!!!
can i cry? right now? yeh i know. it won't help anything. what will help?
ummmm.... having my legs not hurt. (as bad) .

and the fact-- that God works in mysterious ways.
do ya wanna hear the good in this. if ya can call it that? i mean we're still shellin out a small fortune-- at a really bad time. well-- is there ever a good time to toss out 1000.00? yeh i didn't think so. anyhow---

here's how things were 'supposed to go"

the truck money? here's how that went down yesterday.
the way it was sposed to be? write a check for 573.32

the way it went?

they took 2 checks-- one for 286.66 dated yesterday-- and one for 286.66 dated for 2-19.... AND re -wrote the contract--- making the first truck payment NOT due on february 5th, BUT March 5th!

could we have asked for better? i don't think so.

the medical crap?

i robbed savings of 300.00 to pay for it-- paid the 150.00.
ended up havin enough to not really need to use that-- so it went to the truck money.

the call today-- you know the number 426.30-- sent me immediately into a panic attack!

until i asked if i could pay half of it on monday-- (expecting a no-and holding my breath )

her answer? oh sure-- you can pay 200.00, and pay the rest out over 90 days !!!

why is this a relief? and where do i get that money from?

why, eevees postponed surgery , of course!

this is why they say "everything happens for a reason."
and this is why i say-- it always works itself out in the end. cuz it does.
and "this too shall pass"
and so many other cliches and quotes, and words and phrases, that make me choke when i am in the middle of a crisis and want to be hit by a truck.

this funk i am in will pass-- eventually. and i will fish, and i will go to the mall with my daughter-- as much as i hate mall hell-- it really isn't bad when it doesn't hurt me.. we have fun. and don't fight and all that jazz.

things are lookin up-- if i just stop lookin down all the time.
i really do look down-- not sure what i'm lookin for down there... i never find anything---

so anyhow--- just babbblin my head off here-- again-- sorry for that. but that's the stuff fillin my head for the moment.

y'all need to talk more-- so i know what to write about that YOU wanna hear.
well-- aside from fishin-- i really am gonna go fishin. soon. i must clean my kitchen- and hope my legs will ease up on me-- then you will see fish pix--
i don't know if i mentioned it or not-- but i finally lost all that extra poundage i had been bitchin about-- i'm back to my ole weight-- so i shouldn't be so camera shy.
oh-- you saw me at christmas-- i forgot.
so yeh-- i just have ta do somethin with my damn hair first now.
i hate it.

so- y'all have great days out there today--

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

what to do- what to do?

hiya peeps-

what's goinin on?

well, i have a list of to do's as long as my arm... BUT-- you saw that comin didn't ya?
yeh, i thought ya might. well, i do. my list has been growing and growing lately. as you might have figured out by now. i'm surprised i'm not molding-- like the sloth that i am.
good lawd i have been so severely lazy. there's just no other word for it, unfortunately, and honestly-- i've run out of excuses.

i have to come clean here-- yes. i have periods of relief from the pain. it may not be long periods-- but i could damn sure find the strength to clean the kitchen-- which i have not done in a week-- actually longer-- hubby does it-- but he has been busy-- so the dishes haven't been washed in maybe 5 days. wait a minute-- y'all know , we've gone out to eat several times-- it's not as bad as you would think-- but yes-- it's bad-- it NEEDS to be done. and I should do it -- TODAY.
will i? i don't even know the answer to that. but i know that i should. and i know that if i don't i oughtta just be horsewhipped!

i do the basic picking up of things- i mean we aren't living in hell or anything.. BUT-- i haven't been upstairs-- yes-- that is because of my legs-- but God knows what it looks like up there. all i know is when sushi comes in from outside-- or comes out of her crate-- or whatever-- she RUNS up those stairs like there's a fire down here-- i do not know what's up there that she is in such a hurry to get to. and honestly? i don't want to know. my guess? FOOD. scary-- nasty- rotten food. eeewwweeee.

back me up on this people-- when we bought this house-- both of them promised me-- i would have no need to go up there-- they knew it was a problem for me to use the stairs-- and they would keep it clean and nice . remember that?
it aint happening. and it's pissin me off.

oh-- wanna know what else? this really chapped my hide. again, this is a cuz we're us thing--- again. oh man. y'all know how i am with my money phobia right-- or lack of-- fear of lack of -- whichever. well, i have recently-- finally, been able to stash a little cash in savings. finally i can breathe. right? wrong. yesterday, stez tells me -- he soooo didn't want to. but , i have been wondering and wondering, why the check he used for the down payment on the 'new' truck hadn't cleared yet-- well, i think we found out why. he tells me the truck place called him, and there was a problem. that is not my favorite word. 'chillax' is my favorite word. that word (problem) did not make me chillax)-- it made me panic. come to find out-- when he was doing the financing on the new truck-- the old truck place-- gave him the wrong pay-off amount. meaning---- we NOW have to come up with almost 600.00. yes. now.
know what that means? after i stole the 300.00 for my medical procedure-- and now the 600-- for the truck.... we have nuthing left in my stash.
woo-fuckin-hoo !!!!
save a nickel - spend a dime.
what do i have to do to save a little money around here? it just never happens. i try , and i try, and i try. and somethin always comes up that i need to steal it back.
ugh. i could barf.
now it's gonna take me two hours to figure out if i had that money in the budget for stez's florida trip. cuz of course i don't remember. if i did-- i think he's a bit screwed.
and if i didn't-- well, i'm still pissed at having to use it. it felt good to finally save some money.

i need an accountant. i'm bad with money even when i think i'm not. wth? give a gal a break.. money gods.


so-- know what else? guess what the temp is today ? the high for today is gonna be over 70 !!! y'all KNOW what i wanna do. dontchya? yep, you guessed it. i sooooo wanna go fishin. i have been thinkin about it aaaallll morning long. it's a little drizzly out-- but it isn't cold at all. in fact - i should have all my windows open airing this smoke filled dungeon as we speak. i don't tho. noooo sittin in the dark. like the vampire that i am. bleh.

what's wrong with me?

haelp meeeeeeee.

i just can't get myself to moooooove. i know what i need to do. (get a drivers license-- get my damn car registered before i get a ticket--clean my kitchen, do my taxes). i know what i should do. (pick up rx's, wash my car, go to the store, work on my neglected bank) i know what i want to do--- (fish, get my hair cut, and colored)--

i also sort of know what i will do--- sit on my ass, right where i am- chainsmoke, and accomplish not one thing that i mentioned. feel like shit for it. which will feed my depression, and pain. which will feed the cycle-- that continues, day by freakin day.

cattle prod? did someone say they have one? can i borrow it please?
ok-- stun gun? got one?

alright people--- i've bored you long enough--
i hope you have wonderful , and productive days in your worlds :))
i will-- i'll DO somethin-- don't know what it is-- i'll let ya know-

laterz- :))

i want him :))

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

gittin er done

hiya folks-

how are you on this fine - fine tuesday morn?
time flies when you're havin fun don't it? the clan here was home for the last four days runnin, and it seemed kinda weird for me. i was gettin a little too used to havin the days to myself, and not 'feelin' like i 'should' be actually doing somethin. with or for someone, at least. not that i really did do much of either-- but i think if i didn't i at least felt the pressure or pretended.

oh hell. does that make any sense at all?

y'all know the ole sayin... "fake it til ya make it". right? well, i spose that's what i'm sayin here. i faked my way through an extended weekend. and voila! i survived.

i'm not sure i remember everything i - we- did, but here's what i do remember... good lawd , i really do think i am early stages-- it's scary.. but somethin i need to see if they can test for. altzheimers is in my family. my mom had it at an early age.

bleh, the thought gives me the heebie jeebies-- so , back to what i was sayin. (in no particular order.)

some things did get done, but stez actually ended up doin the doin part ;))

such as getting my car inspection done. finally. phew. just that alone was about to give me a damn stroke. but could i find the time or energy to go have it done myself? umm no. otherwise it woulda-- and shoulda , been done by the end of december.

ummm, we were going to see 'the lovely bones' at the theater. actually we did go to see it. but we got there a few minutes late-- and by then-- guess what? it was sold out :(( and there was no alternative at that time slot-- so- we went to dinner. boy it was good too. and we talked and had a good time. it's been a while since we had a dinner like that. not so much the meal-- but everything went right. from the server- to the food- to the conversation- just the whole thing. it was just a good, enjoyable- relaxing time with my family. and i liked it.

we also watched a bootleg of 'zombieland' online- but hooked it up to the tv. it was a very poor visual display of a pretty good movie. wasn't what i expected. but it had it's moments. maybe a 5*. it was pretty funny. worth renting. or seeing.. maybe in a dollar theater-- if they have those where you are.
we have one-- but it already came and went out of ours.

ummm... hubby and i watched 'the hurt locker' on 'on demand' (a cable channel thing') that was pretty good. it had one of those characters in it that you 'love to hate' kind of. he's a real asshole-- but he kinda grows on ya-- but he's still an asshole.
good movie tho-- a war movie-- action type guy flick-- but i liked it too.

i think it was sunday-- but i could be wrong-- but we went to a late breakfast one day at a place we call "our breakfast joint". man they have some good food. down home cookin stuff. that was good. and another good time.

aaaand, i finally got at least a start on my tax hell. i gathered-- what i hope-- are all my receipts for the last year. most of which are medical. of course. not once has the fortune we spend on my medical bills helped us out as far as taxes go. i don't get it. i must be doin somethin very wrong when we do our taxes. i hear so many folks say they got 3000, or 5000 back on their taxes---- holy hell... how???
we donate stuff all thru the year, i pay out the nose on medical-- i swear i have a separate dr for every part of my body. my child has spent a small fortune on her teeth and dr's this past couple years.
but---- does any of it come back to us? ummm. no.
is it because we are us? ummm i bet it is.

anybody wanna help do our taxes this year? i'll pay you. :))
cuz i'm not doin it right.

hmmmm. what else? i reckon nuthin.

i have plans to do my chores today. do you think i'll get em done?
i will get back to you on that. k?

oh-- a couple other things-- i had to cancel eevee's surgery-- but will reschedule when she gets back from florida. the vet said she would still have stitches when they left, so that wouldn't be good-- jumpin in and out of the truck-- or runnin in the ocean :)) -- stuff like that. so she'll have it done after her 'vacation' :))

as for me? i scheduled a 'lumbar steroid epidural' injection for january 25-- next monday. hopefully it will work as well as the last one. and maybe alleviating some of this damn pain will also alleviate some of the depression that goes along with it. fear of pain makes me sad and lazy. or vice versa . whichever. when i'm on my ass i don't aggrivate the issue, ya know? i can just sit here , take drugs, and be still.

when i am active-- the pills do nuthin, i hurt worse, and i get depressed and angry-- then i get bitchy and everyone hates me.
that's when i just want to sleep all day- or become invisible. ya know.
so yeh... hopefully the injection will work.
i may even get ballsy-- and ask about a rhizotomy in that area. it scares me to think about it. i already told them after they did my right cervical-- in my neck and back-- do not touch the left side-- ever. cancel that appointment and i will just live with it the way it is. cuz if y'all remember... i did not handle that well, the pain worsened , and only now is settling down to where i can even wear a necklace again! eegads.
anyhow-- i am afraid of that happening if they try my low back and legs--- but what if it works? if the shot worked all these months--- that might work for up to a year.
that would be a gift from God. i could FISH again, if i had my legs back-- and didn't worry all the time about doin too much-- or them hurting all the time.

so--anyways-- that's what's goin on in my world-- what is happenin in yours?

happy tuesday folks-

Monday, January 18, 2010

oh i wish i had a brain

hiya peeps-- monday again... doesn't feel like it tho. hubby is off of work, and the kid is out of school today. it just feels weird. kinda throws my body clock off, or somethin.
in a way tho, it makes me look-- even more-- forward to summer. i'm already craving the warmth ya know... but also, the not havin to be 'on the clock.'

my days are so split up now it's just crazy. i have to get up at least an hour before i get the kid up-- so my pain pill will work before i have to 'do' anything. then i get her up an hour before we leave for school. leave around 830. then i do whatever it is i 'do' for that day. get her at 315 ish -- she gets out at 335. then at 415- we're headin back out to go to drivers ed-- and i'm back out again at 615 to pick her back up.

geesh-- for a gal who doesn't like to leave the house? (me) -- that's an awful lot -a - leavin. dontchya think? especially lately. gawd. i don't even want to get dressed, and i have to do all that, and more. some days-- ok, most days-- i haven't been getting dressed-- or at least completely dressed. i throw on jeans and a flannel-- over my un-bra'd self-- and slippers--- barely run a brush thru my unwashed hair-- run her to school-- come straight home-- and un-dress my half dressed self again, right back into my so called jammies.

(these bein days that stez isn't around to run her for me)

i don't know what has happened to me. do ya want my uneducated guess? i am thinkin that i tried so hard-- and succeeded too-- to get through christmas without some kind of major breakdown, like the past many years.... that it just had a delayed reaction.
i think that my holiday depression atttack--- attacked me -- even though i thought i was doing well, and bein all proud of myself for gettin through christmas 'intact'.

so much for that idea. eh?

so. now what? here i am, feeling like the damn 'cymbalta' commercial.

"where does depression hurt?" -- everywhere
"who does depression hurt ?" -- everyone.

even shows the damn dog bein sad and lethargic.

then there's the new seroquel commercial-- where everyone just meshes into the background. this is supposed to sell this medicine? ummm... skuze me.... ? is that how ya feel before? or after? sure makes me wanna try it. not!

by the way-- i've taken that medicine before, several years ago--- and just so ya know-- that's how ya feel before-- AND after. i don't reccomend that brain frying med to anyone. not unless you wanna be -- or take care of a zombie. literally. i swear to you-- when i took that med -- in massively high (rx'd doses) -- i slept approximately 17 hours every day- and could not function in life at all. it is horrible.

ok-- nevermind. i don't even know what i'm talkin about anymore.
see what i mean? my mind is just mush lately.

grits anyone? :))

nuthin up there-

anyhow, no worries peeps. this isn't the first time i've been like this- and i'm sure it won't be the last. i just need to do somethin... not sure what it is. but when i figure it out, i'll be fine. oops , there's that word again. :))

anyhow-- i hope y'all have happy days out there today--
i will- promise.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

was that too harsh?

yeh, i thought i was a little rough on that '1st' post myself. i admit that. i didn't mean to sound like a bitch, but i spose i had some venting to do. i also wanted to make a few things clear from the start. ya know? why not? right? new or old here, let's shoot straight from the get go. i put my intentions out there-- and if yours don't match mine- then you know where the door is. 'capice'?

ok, now that we have that cleared up, and hopefully i am forgiven.

howdy folks!!!! i'm so happy to see those of you who stopped in yesterday!!! really.
like i said-- i'm not hiding from anyone-- in fact, with my style of writing, and even my 'name' it would actually be impossible. well, IF anyone were to actually try and find me.
like Gypsy said-- i am a bit unique. not many folks write/talk the way that i do. and good ole google is always there to assist with anyone who would think to punch in one of my phrases or quotes or somethin. well, i would think so anyhow. besides that-- most folks know my nickname 'brezz' came long before 'soul'. so-- even tho i would sometimes like to fall off the face of the earth-- not gonna happen if i continue to blog.

so. i'm here to stay i reckon. like it or not... and apparently-- ya like it. so do i. :))

i'm wonderin if i need to explain myself to any of y'all at this point. i feel like i should. but at the same time.... i really hate to do that. or feel like i need to. explain myself, or try to make folks understand me, at times. ya know? why can't i just BE? most of you, already know me, and how my mind works. that in itself should be enough.
i really wish it could be. without me explaining, or defending myself. because when i have to do that? it only makes things worse.

so. ya know what? that's all i'm sayin about that. because it's all i should have to say about that. i'm obviously not doin well right now. but that can change in an instant-- or it could change in two months... eventually it will change. so-- just love me, til it's changed. how bout that? i'll be the me you know and love -- someday. :))

anyhow--- my coffee is cold now, and i am in dire need of a shower. -- please don't get a visual on that :)) i haven't done much of anything in over a week -- maybe two. my car is two weeks overdue for inspection and registration. i am two months overdue for a haircut. my hair is brown and gray. i am one quarter of a tank low on the tank that was filled over two weeks ago. what does this spell? how bout d-e-p-r-e-s-s-i-o-n?
i have to do something.

i don't know if i need a med change-- or a vacation, but something has got to give here.
my pain is worsening, my brain is worsening right behind it.

oh! but eevee is having her surgery on the 22nd to have her breast tumor removed!!!finally. i -- we are very happy about that. the darn thing has grown and looks so uncomfortable for her. it should be simple, and hopefully a quick recovery for her. she recovered from her spay in about two weeks, and that was pretty major surgery. this will just be snip and clip---

after that-- on the 8th, she will be making the trip with her daddy to go to florida to pick up the new bubba boat :)) for company, and protection. she will love that. and so will stez. (soulman's new name-- he's actually had that name as long as i've used brezz-- since about 1995?-ish)

welp, on that happy note- i just went braindead, and have not one thought in my head.

so i will leave you with that.. and go cruise around to see if any of y'all have anything to say today-
have happy days in your worlds today!

Saturday, January 16, 2010

out with the old- in with the new

howdy folks---
wouldn't ya know it? my first post on a "new" blog, is gonna misbehave already. it really is "cuz i am me". you'll learn to know that is true about me. i have worst luck than 'Shleprock", from the Flintstones. (ions ago.) i sometimes compare myself to him, or even, at times - "Ziggy".
yes, i know - that ages me, doesn't it? that's ok. age is a state of mind. that's how i see it. unfortunately-- for me... my state of mind? puts me about twice the age i really am.
luckily-- i don't look as bad as i feel. well, most of the time.

anyhow, for those who don't already know, or haven't figured it out by now, who i am,
you will come to find that all of the above statements are true-- and also that everything i write on these pages from here forward are and will be true. i find no need to lie about dumb shit to portray a person who i am not.
i cuss, i get angry, i get happy, i get sad, i go from one extreme to another with my moods and emotions, and i don't try to hide or sugar coat that from or for anyone who may read this. if you can't handle what i say, or write -- you are free to leave.
i only ask that you don't fill my head with crap-- because you feel sorry for me. i don't need pity. i give honesty-- i expect honesty in return.
if you can't be honest with me-- you don't belong here.
head games are for children.
or myspace and facebook. i don't have accounts on either of those for that reason.

my main pet peeve , as far as the words that i write here? i don't steal words from your pages-- don't get so desperate that you need to steal words, phrases or ideas from mine. if a person cannot be original in their own mind-- perhaps they need to get a life, and have some experiences of their own in which to develop their own imagination.
imitation perhaps may be the greatest form of flattery-- plagiarism -- merely pisses me off.

lack of response to what i have to say, along with folks reading my blog only to take my words and ideas, is why i shut my original blog down. although it was quite successful, even til the end. to my surprise. i don't think anyone ever thought i would close her down. it was just 'time' though.

writing is something that comes naturally to me. sometimes i feel if i didn't write, at least something every day-- my head would explode. or maybe my soul would. writing is my form of release- relaxation. it's what i do. and i do it well. at least i think so.

i know i don't write grammatically correct. that is not because i don't know how. it is because i choose not to. i write the way that i talk. i am an intelligent, and creative woman. i am also real, to myself and others. if you are here to critique my grammar or syntax, i prefer you find someone else to 'help'. i obviously don't need your advice in that area. i butcher the english language by choice. not out of ignorance.

also, i'm not trying to 'hide' from anybody by starting this blog. although, i do have a new 'blog identity", and obviously, a new title for said blog. tada-- as if you couldn't tell, right? do ya like it? (it's from the rod stewart song-- in case ya didn't know)
just a nice memory i have-- maybe i'll share the story someday.

so yeh, anyhow-- it was simply time to move on. or maybe out.

so - today is moving day.

how do ya like the place?

personally, i don't like change. but, sometimes, change can be good.
and for me, at this point in time? it's either change, and move on.... or hide in my bedroom for a month. that would be too easy to do right now-- if not for damn responsibilities of the real world.

see-- things change. the irritating underlining is gone. that could be a good thing.

welcome to my blog.
new or old peeps---

you are bustin into God knows what-- every day is mystery with me.
as you will soon learn.
my world is kinda like forrest gump and his chocolates--
ya never know what you're gonna get. :))

y'all have happy days in your worlds today--
i'll do my best in mine-

Saturday, January 9, 2010

well, there 'she' is - and there she goes

the new bubba mobile
purty eh?

one less thing to stress about in soulland.

as for the rest? who knows? it'll work out. like i said, it always does.

i have been thinkin over the last few days though, and i have decided that i need to take a break from blogging. y'all know how it is, sometimes it's just somethin that needs to be done sometimes.

for me? i want to say that i've had it, and i'm just done with the whole thing. i'm bored with it. i'm pressured by it. i think it's crap that if i don't write for a few days-- folks are all over me-- where are you? update.. etc... but when i write often- i rarely hear much at all. sometimes i feel like someones just peeking over my shoulder reading my journal-- or worse maybe reading my mail. sometimes.
so-- yeh. it just isn't fun anymore for me. at least right now.
maybe i'll be back -- maybe i won't.
maybe i'll put my writing efforts elsewhere.

anyhow-- whatever happens--
i hope y'all stay safe and happy in your worlds-

i'll do what i always do in mine-


Friday, January 8, 2010

ce' la shit

so-- do i cuss? cry? or pee my pants?
not that any of the above would help anything. but still. nothing i mentioned -- or complained about-- if that's what ya wanna call it-- the other day has been resolved yet.

in fact- as i sit here? guess who i am waiting for to knock on the door? yup, AAA. why? yup, right again. to jump start the truck. hopefully. ugh. this is gonna kill me and soulman both if he doesn't get another truck.

yesterday, they actually did close the schools -- due to the cold, and mainly icy roads.
so, because of that - and the fact that i knew i wouldn't be leaving the house in temps below 20 or so, i let soulman take my car to work. it's smaller, warms up faster, and of course, has new tires. so, he did. i didn't miss it -- i didn't even think about goin anywhere in that weather.

what DID i think about? yep -- the friggin truck. almost all day long.
is he gonna be home in time to get soulkid to driver ed?
if not- is the truck gonna start?
if so-- is the truck gonna start?
hmm, i wonder if the damn truck is gonna EVER start?
(he did start it before work-- and it started fine btw)
BUT--- did it start at 4 o'clock when he wasn't home yet - to take the kid to drivers ed?
ha! surely you jest. we are US. it did not start.
did i panic? oh yeh. you know i did. it is what i do best. you know that.
so first, i call soulman, he was on his way home, but he wasn't gona make it in time to get her to class.
i call the class- to say, hey my kid is gonna be a little late-
they say -- more than 15 minutes - don't bother.
SHIT! again.
but wait. exhale.
she can go to the 630 class.
ok no problem.
soulman gets home-- starts the truck on the first try.
makes me feel real smart. damn diesels.
he drives her to class in the truck to give it a charge.
but-- we both spend the rest of the night worrying about the friggin truck-
and of course--
THIS morning the M-F-ER doesn't start!
after he has a fit-- and i have my anxiety attack-
we decide he take the car to work-\
and i call AAA - in hopes the damn truck will start-
in time to get my child to school
because as we all know by now-- she CANNOT afford even one more absence.
now she is up-- and has been told if the truck doesn't start -- she's goin to school in a taxi !
if it doesn't start after school? we can only hope soulman doesn't work late-- like he has all week long.

SHIT! again.

our minds are made up now though for sure-- he has a three day weekend-- and the bubba mobile is no more- i know we will be screwed on the trade in value because of all that is wrong with it-- there's no hiding the noise the front end makes-- or the bad brakes -- maybe not even this mystery issue it has about not starting. so even tho we aren't so much upside down at this point-- trade in will put us there-- in the first five minutes of the sale.


so anyhow-- AAA got here -- i was outside -- wearing like three layers of clothes-- for less than four minutes-- i finally told the guy--
if it starts leave it runnin- i have to go inside-!

have i mentioned i hate the cold? well i do-- and at this moment it is 17 degrees outside-- with a windchill of like 2. kill me.

i'm sure i have more to say-- but at the moment all i can panic -- i mean focus on-- is that damn truck. it better start. the taxi sounds like a good idea-- but for those who know me at all? i never carry cash. not a nickel. so if it doesn't start-- she really aint goin to school-- and there's one more missed day of school--- right before finals.

the mother of the year award sure aint goin to me-


hope y'all are warm and happy in your world-
cuz mine is...well...
shit :))

it'll be ok though-- it always works out.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

it's only been a day- do you really miss me?

howdy folks-- i had no idea i was missed. perhaps if y'all would speak to me , i'd know these things.
anyhow-- i told ya - i was gonna be busy - again. i am trying to get my life back. but yeh, again i ask you-- how do ya think that's workin out?
you're right. not too well.
i'm doin ok. accomplishing more today than the last couple. but still... not as much as i need or would like to.
my car registration and inspection are still not done. i do have new tires-- which y'all know, was my original excuse for procrastinating this little -- ok, big , task. but -- it has been flippin free-zinG here. 30's and 40's for highs. for me, it may as well be 40 below. so. as for anything that i have to do away from home? it just aint gettin done.
i do what i have to , as far as gettin soulkid where she has to be... but as for anything else out there? not happenin. and i don't expect any results other than that for the rest of the week.
the flippin news is only depressing me further EVERY day-- with their 'threats' of this arctic frickin blast'!.
for almost a week, it's all they talk about . warn us about.
'oh it's gonna be colder than it's been in texas in over 15 years.
when they joke-- they say -- colder than it's ever been, or colder than it's been in a hundred years.

y'all KNOW, that does NO good for me. just the thought of being THAT cold (sub-zero temps-they say) -- only makes me lethargic, depressed , and worthless.

bleh. i hate it. and it hasn't even 'got here' yet. just the thought-- the fear of it, has me paralyzed . i feel like i'm preparing for a funeral. my own, perhaps. just kill me.
that's how much i hate the cold.

the damn weather guessers are even goin so far as to say that the schools are already considering closing for the next couple days. my gawd. fear of ice-- or buses not bein able to run or be warm or whatever . heating schools all that crap.
ya know what? i HOPE they DO shut the schools-- cuz i don't wanna go out in that shit. lemmee tell ya. scraping ice? NO thanks.
i just was not bred for cold weather. it is not in my blood to be cold. i don't believe in reincarnation--- but if i did-- i would have to say, that i was a slave on some friggin hot ass plantation somewhere that never got below 75 degrees.
cuz this cold ass shit just aint my thing.
even for fun--- once upon a time i thought i might like to snowboard-- or ski-- or something.... forget it! i was like 6 or 7 when i had my first-- and last snowmobiling experience--- i remember crying when i lost my mitten... i was so cold.
then when i got older and thought of the snowboarding etc-- i remembered that-- and knew it would simply be a bad investment.

hmmm, this just reminded me of the camping story i don't think i ever finished telling. i mentioned it once-- again, whilst bitching about the cold-- but can't remember if i ever told it. haha. -they laughed at me- :))
while i cried in the freezing , leaking tent! :((

so. anyhow--- lots been goin on here lately- it feels like a week has past since i wrote-- funny it's only been a day. bleh.

lemee see if i can cut it short for ya- i know i've already written a book.
oh hell, i don't even know where to begin here. senile ya know.

well, here ya go-- in no particular order-
in the last 48 hours-

- Murphy's law has moved in with us-

and left me in need of a band aid for my world-
well, not just me-- the entire soul clan
we have each been screwed by circumstances -- some, beyond our control-
but y'all know me--
"the fixer of things" so i am a wreck, trying to save the soul-world.
(in a day)

i bet i have your interest now?
but who do i start with?

me? sure, cuz i'm easy. the only thing i'm dealing with is everything-- and everybody-- and trying to cover some asses, fix things i prolly shouldn't even bother with-- but i will, because that's what i do. surprisingly, i'm pretty good at it too.
and i'm still trying to get things done-- or even started. but with the new things of the past day or so-- i kinda hit a detour.

however---- i am , as we speak, washing my laundry! y'all just don't know how long i have put that off. tomorrow, i'd be nekkid, that's how long i've put off my laundry day. that's a little sad in it's own way. no matter what kind of excuse i try to come up with-- that one comes down to simple LAZY COW.

so - who's next? soulman? his truck? yep-- you guessed it-- the batteries aren't what's wrong with it. is it EVER simple with us? you know it aint.
nope , not the batteries. couldn't be as easy as a couple replaced on warranty batteries for us. no. it's some complicated , expensive repair-- in which, when ya add the tires he needs-- and the front end work plus brakes? we are lookin at possibly 2000.00 PLUS. to FIX his truck. so much for the bubba mobile.
looks like we will be buying a 'new/used' truck -- very soon.
why put all that damn money into repairs on an 02-- when he can get a newer vehicle with less than that as a down payment. bleh. just kill me. it's doable. but- of course, we're lookin at a higher payment. the payments i make already on what we have makes me ill already. now we may have to pay an additional 100 a month if he gets a newer truck.
but-- on the bright side-- the bubba mobile has been starting without getting jumped since monday-- so far. but the stress of it not???? that's another story.
so yeh, when he first started talkin about gettin another truck and a higher payment-- y'all know my money phobia-- i went into a panic- instantly-- but i'm better now. i think.
i get a new gray hair every day-- but i'm fine.
btw-- for those who don't know-- i usually avoid the word fine-- because in acronym terms--
fucked up

tada---- sums me up quite well-- dontchya think :))

so anyhow--- wanna know what's up with my child? which , as we all know-- always includes me.
well... i told ya she started drivers ed. on monday night.
well, there's a particular 'form' they need from the school -- before they can get their drivers permit--- which they need to have before they can drive with the instructors at the driving school. well--- how do ya think that went, when i tried to get the form yesterday? which, by the way--- is based on attendance---- or should i say-- lack there of.
AFTER i have already paid the driving school--- i might add.
soulkid was denied her form... because she has had too many absences.
BULLSHIT. that's what i say.

so- yup, she's walkin the thin line. and i have til TOMORROW - to get this crap straightened out at the school. do you think they are cooperating? nope. course not.
i spent hoooouuuurrrrsss yesterday going through my calendars trying to find all her absent days- and whys. the majority were due to dr appointments - or bein sick. and all were 'excused, by notes or calls by me. BUT NOT by dr. notes. so tell me why SHE should suffer cuz I screwed up.
i called and told the lady after i verified all her out days etc-- that i could get dr notes etc, that she did go to the dr- or was sick-- and sick days after this swine flu crap-- the news is STILL sayin not to take your kid to school if they're sick. nothin about a dr note-- when she's been sick since that stuff-- i don't want to take her to the dr-- around ppl WITH the flu. i want to see how she does for a day or two first. and i have- and she has gone back to school-- without seein a dr. that is like 4 or five out days. if they would just knock those off-- it would cover her.
they are only doin this cuz when your kid aint in their seat-- the school doesn't get their money. and that pisses me off.
so yup-- soul mamma is pissed off- and gettin dr records etc-- even tho-- they only accept them up to five days after the appointment-- i don't think they want to deal with me when i'm angry. they won't like me when i'm angry. ERG!

one more thing about my soulkid-- yesterday we thought she broke her foot-- or toe-- or something-- i had to take her for an x-ray,. not broke-- just bruised.
she got her gracefulness from me :))
actually that one's a toss up-- her dad is pretty clumsy too :))

ahhh-- i still haven't done his wanna see my scar post- bwa hahahahaha
i am amazed that man is still alive. i bet he wouldn't be if i didn't take such good care of him.

i don't know if i'm kiddin about that one or not. the man is lucky to have only half a finger missing. he almost lost his leg when he was like ten. what a brilliant guy.

pass the prozac folks

and be safe and happy in your -- hopefully calm- worlds today-