Sunday, February 7, 2010

still sunday -- for a while

hey there peeples-

so. who watched the super bowl? apparently it was a good game. from the little i heard about it. the saints are my bro in laws fave team. so i was happy to hear they won. i have never been a big-- or even a little - fan of the colts. so i was happy the saints won.
even tho-- i never really cared much for them either. at least my bro in law was happy.

anyhow-- even tho i guess i sounded pretty pitiful this morning when i wrote , the day didn't turn out to be a waste after all. i woulda been perfectly fine all snuggled up in front of the fire in my 'nekkid clothes' -- (that would be jammies, for those who don't know) all day havin my pity party.... but it didn't go that way.

nah. me and my child, decided that a movie would be in order-- then of course some shopping. and of course by that time-- it was time for food. so that's how we filled our day.

we saw 'dear john' at the theater. what a good movie. and of course here i am, all depressed and feelin sorry for myself-- for whatever reason. hellifiknow what has come over me this past week or so--- i of course cried. more than once. it was ok though, cuz my kid was cryin too. she's just a romantic tho... i expected she would cry. it's rare that i cry at movies like that. but it was a good story. and of course it made me miss my hubby. wth is goin on with me? we've been married forever-- i hate to admit this-- but i usually don't 'miss' him, anymore. not when it's for short periods of time. really i do better when i'm the one who leaves. with him leavin-- bein gone? i can't even get to sleep. y'all know, on a normal night-- i'd be long gone in dream land by now. this just sucks.

so anyhow-- after the movie, we walked the mall, of course. i knew it was comin. but i really didn't want to. i didn't want to walk. i didn't want to spend money . i was cold, and just ready to eat and go home. but--- i promised my shopaholic that she could get some stuff. she actually got some cool stuff. she found a leather jacket that even i like-- i might not wear it-- i don't like 'short' jackets-- but it is nice on her. and it was on sale - and quite the bargain for leather.
then we went to another store-- i was so freakin cold i couldn't stand it. my first stop was the clearance rack to look for a cheap on sale jacket for myself. y'all know i hardly ever buy me stuff. but i had to. i was literally shivering. wth is it with these places havin AC on in the frickin winter? are they crazy?
i ended up findin one i liked-- an orange -zip up- hoodie, at american eagle. i like orange- but i don't really own anything that is orange. soulkid said it looked good on me. i really like it-- and it was only like 17 bucks. score!
then she got a few more things--- until i finally had to put the brakes on the wallet.
haha remember when she called me 'the walking wallet?" that was funny. well, kinda.
so. that was that. and we headed out. i hadn't eaten anything all day- and was beginning to get a bit grouchy. ok-- bitchy. so we had to get food. we headed to ghengis grill first-- they were just closing-- at 5 pm-- for the superbowl. can you believe that? a business shuttin down to watch a football game. that is true dedication. my kid was in shock. "they can't do that!"--- i said they can if they own it-- they can do whatever they want.
so we ended up at RJ gators.
lots of fried fattening food-- and too much of it-- need i mention we had a doggie bag?
we shared a calamari-- i ended up with way too much food cuz it was the only way i could get clams-- she had a Caesar salad, and some of my shrimp.
we had a good day-- but we were both tired by that time- and just ready to go home.
when we did get home- we chilled on our own for a while- then watched a law and order svu-- then again, did our own thing for a little bit-- then i came to bed--- then she followed a while later.
she's asleep now- and here i am-- blabbin on about just stuff-- cuz like i said-- when hubbys away-- the wife's awake. bleh.
i have been sayin-- on facebook for two hours- that i was goin to bed-- well -- i did go to bed-- but i meant i was goin to sleep-- yet here i am. not sleepin. maybe on my way to sleep bloggin. but not sleepin.
i almost wanna just get back up and go drink some coffee-- i am a loud typer, and don't wanna bother my girl.
haha in fact just after i wrote that-- the kid said
"i can't sleep if your typing."
so-i guess i will get up for a while.

ok-- so. here i am -- i am now in the livin room.. cuppa joe and a smoke. the girl has school tomorrow, and needs her beauty rest ya know. so i decided to come out here for a while, so she can get to sleep, without the click click click of my keyboard.
i just can't go to sleep right now. meds and all-- just not helpin... bleh.
so. if i get weird on here-- haha-- as if that's not a frequent occurrence right? but if it happens-- just blow it off-- blame the xanax. or hell, just blame me. i think i'm headin of my nut again.

it's ok tho-- it's a time of year thing. it'll pass. eventually.

i hope. sometimes i wonder. i think if someday i'm gonna hit one of these 'times', and just not come back out of it. ya know? just flippin go totally of my rocker. it's not like i don't have a reason. that's what caused the addisons ya know. an entire life of stress, and loss. i have nuthin left to fight the stress-- literally. so when i get stressed out-- or depressed-- which seem to be my two main emotions in life--- my body attacks itself. it really really sucks ass i say.
and it sucks to have a disease that i don't know a whole lot about. and that what i do know-- is actually kind of scary. because it is so out of my control. sure i take meds for it-- but that only helps if a person is 'balanced'. we all know -- that's not me.

it's been proven that people really can die of a broken heart. well, i really think that PTSD on top of addisons -- is gonna be my "reaper". but do i fear the reaper? nah.

never have. of course i have survival instincts-- but hey-- i also want things to be better-- that will never be magically better 'here'.

but-- i reckon the good days still outweigh the bad days. cuz i am obviously still hangin around. through everything i've been through. put through. dragged through.
you get it. i don't stay down for long. i just don't. even when i want to.


nevermind---- here's some hubby pix in florida from today--- he looks like he's havin a good day. have a look--

aaaaand here is a little something i came across to kill time earlier--
"the lazy bloggers post generator "
i did it just for fun-- you can find it here -- give it a try-- it's kinda fun---

here's mine:

OMG! I just got slapped with a wet salmon - really - I have not updated this since you last visited... You would not believe the amount of people that are totally stalking me. Please don't abandon me!.

I am overwhelmed with discovering time doesn't stand still, hoping you haven't found other blogs, just generally being a terrible burden to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day pisses me off from the second I am woken by murderous Teletubbies to whenever. I am not growing up. as well you should know.

I will try to remember I promised you I will write something that makes sense soon. Until I need your shoulder to cry on. This is for my ever faithful, devoted public..

cheerio folks-

superbowl sunday -- yippee???

howdy peeps-

well, it looks like my hubby made it to our nephews' place in jacksonville a little while ago. he stopped in pensacola for the night last night- and went on through to jax this morning.

i wish my body wasn't so against me at times like this. i would have loved to go with him. i can barely make a round trip to dallas and home though, before my body turns against me and lays me out for the rest of the day.
i used to love to travel. driving was my favorite thing to do. i can't even guess how many arguments i've been in with people-- even my stez, over who 'got to ' drive.
now i do anything in my power to NOT drive. i don't even want to drive the three or four miles to the kids school. i really resent who i've become over the years.
i do.

so anyhow-- today is superbowl sunday-- number -- something. i don't even know. and i really don't care. i won't be watching the game. does that make me 'unamerican'? i hope not. it's just another 'thing' in life that i have lost interest in.
up until a couple years ago - it was a tradition, like that of most other folks in this country--- even overseas-- in the navy-- i remember we got the day off-- to watch the superbowl ! correct me if i'm wrong-- 1986 - giants and broncos. haha denver-- the team i love to hate.
we also had the day off to watch the superbowl-- at that very same duty station-- 1990- again-- denver -- ugh-- vs the 49ers.
denver lost both games hahahahahaha

but-- that was then- and this is now. no barbecue goin, no chicken wings- wingin. no chips and dip- no friends comin over- the tv isn't even turned on- and what's 'worse' -- i don't even know what time the game starts.

hubby isn't here -- so i won't even be makin snacks for him. or gettin ready to at least watch the 'commercials'. which is the only thing i watch anymore-- if at all.

man, life has changed so much.

i wonder so often what it would be like if i hadn't fallen on bad health.
would i still have 'gone mental'?
would i still be 'on the run' from sun up til sun-down?
would i still be the front runner-- rather than the one that everyone leaves behind?-- or has to wait for.

where would i be in life?
would i still be fixing airplanes?
maybe managing people who do?
i could be doing anything i want to do right now-- had things not turned the way they did. when they did.

but--- like they say--
everything happens for a reason.

today seems to be one of those days that i just wish i knew what the reason was-- so i could do something about it-- and maybe get on with my life.

i'm sick of holding people back.
i'm sick of being stagnant
i'm sick of being sick

with that-- i'll shut my cry baby pie hole-

happy sundays y'all