Wednesday, March 31, 2010

this n that

i thought i was gonna be S.O.L. for a post today. i couldn't think of anything to write about. at all. so here i am, cruisin around to various websites, when i end up on a video site. i find this clip - of course i just have to watch it. the title alone grabs my curiosity. so i watch it, and i don't know if it's just me, the fisher in me, or if it really is just redneck humor - and truly plane ole funny. so y'all go on and watch it - and you tell me. is it funny? and if so, what kinda funny? or... am i just stupid? it's ok. i won't break.

ok. so whaddaya think? tell me k.

alrighty then . i sent it via e-mail to hubby - i can hear him laughin in the livin room -- i'm in my office. so there. it's funny. in someway -- you will laugh.

anyhow-- i was fixin to move on to somethin else, but i had to let ya know- soulman laughed. :))

k. do y'all realize our temp out here in north texas reached a glorious 88 degrees today? that's what it is right now. man. i'm ready. so ready. i can't believe it was like two or three weeks ago that we had snow on the ground , and today, if it were possible, if we were on the boat today we woulda been burnt to a couple crispy critters. man. i sure wish we could've gone out on the lake today. but a combination of soulman workin all day, and me bein unable to stand for more than five minutes - well, it makes that entirely impossible. for me anyhow. i'm sure soulman woulda hit the water - somewhere if he wasn't workin.
and ya know what? soulkid is really gettin sweet in her 'old age'. really. this morning. surprisingly, the kid got up before noon. ( yeh , she's still not in school. big issues, big delays, but everyone is workin hard to 'expedite everything' and push all this crap through, but good lawd, it's takin forever. hopefully maybe monday, she'll have her ass at a school desk? - if not sooner.)
anyhow - this morning... we were talkin about the forecast etc. she said i should go fishin. i explained my pain situation-- again. she asked then, if i could sit in a chair. i said i could , and added a snarky " that's ALL i have been doin for almost a week." not knowin what she had in mind. she responds with a "i will go fishin with you, and i will carry a chair for you." now is when we all say it... awwwwwwwww. it really was the sweeeetesT thing she's said to me in a while. i couldn't go though. not today. but the thought of it, made me get all misty eyed. and i thanked her, sincerely. it really was a sweet thought , she hates to fish -- oddly enough. she does enjoy the water, and the ducks and other critters over at the creek. she feeds them and takes pictures and stuff. i always try to get her to fish, but she hasn't in a year or two. some day -- maybe when we go to TN this summer.

anyhow -- we did want to get out - and not let the day slip by - it was beautiful outside.
besides that - she wanted to drive - of course, and she also, had talked me into buying her a turtle. that's right. she's good isn't she? that or i'm just a suckah. i vote for the latter. but yeh. we went to the pet store and bought her a turtle. oh, but wait. it isn't that simple. i thought it would be. but when am i ever right? when is anything ever simple, when I am involved? that's right. and why is that. right again. very good. because I am ME. yeh. ya can't just buy a turtle and put it in a box -- like i did when i was a kid. turtles , frogs = box and lettuce.. and walks on shoe lace / leashes. that's how it was back in the old days. ya got creative .. or ya got NUTHIN. remember those days. when kids had what used to be know as imaginations???

well, these days.. imaginations, have been replaced by the good ole american dollah, my friends. there is no more wild and free creative imagination in our young people today. the don'tmake cars out of shoes. they don't make radios out of shoe boxes. and they damn sure don't reduce their animals to life in a box. so there. hmph.
ad, just so ya know? i did draw the line when i was told that i 'must' purchase a damn $50.00 heat lamp for said turtle. i will not, did not, and will never spend that much money on a damned turtle. geesh. we dropped $64.91as it was ! for what , you may wonder. yeh, so did i. it just added up. 20 bucks for the turtle. 15 bucks for the 'aquarium', 10 - for some 'chemical stuff, and another sumthin $ for a 'floating rock.'
yippee. and they still wanted me to invest in a 50 dollar lamp. ummmm no. i said - she can take him outside for sunlight. i am not gonna buy that. period- end of discussion. surprise to me-- she hasn't brought it up once , and she thanked me kindly for what she did get. she's my favorite soulkid , ya know it? :))

so anyhow-- my camera is out in my car -- and i just don't have it in me to get it -- or else i would show you the new soul- pet. have patience , and i shall show ya tomorrow.

oh yeh, one more thing before i go-- ok two things-- first, we're goin to the movies in a couple minutes-- we're gonna see 'TheLastSong".
and tomorrow- i'm gonna see my pain dr about my back. i decided that i really don't think i wanna go in there on monday and drop a load of money for the shots (my deductible isn't met yet) and what if it isn't gonna do any good. what if somethin is actually bad wrong? maybe i need a scan or somethin? who knows? i sure don't. all i know - is i droppin 500 bucks only to be told i have to drop another 5 somewhere else. so i feel good about that decision.

and on that note i have to go. i will check in tomorrow after i talk to the doctah.

i apologize for fallin behind on the comments etc. i do appreciate y'all comin by and talkin to me though -- know that ok? cuz i do. i do. i do :))

now it is your turn -- catch up folks some of y'all are fallin behind on your posts :)) i need to know where life is for you-- and how you are doin. :))

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

"stop shitting yourself " - "maybe if you stop trying to kill me"

for real folks. when does it end?

put yourself in my position for a minute. or try to. or , perhaps maybe, you've been here. just for a moment? maybe not all the high or low points of the day, but i will take this one situation that me and soulkid found ourselves in this afternoon. then i reckon i'll work my way backwards throughout the rest of our day. sound ok to you? i hope so. because it started out pretty good. for US, anyhow. you ready? k. here we go. we were on our way home from our little mommy daughter afternoon outing. which included a stop at the post office, then Target, then a coffee to go, then the salon for 'manicures', then
- this - then headed on home - but , i would have happily skipped THIS part -

NO - thank God, we did NOT collide.
but i did however have a arm flailing , hands waving, full fledged panic-attack !
of course. only to be screamed at by my child - who was 'driving' . who also turned left on a green light - smack into oncoming traffic in rush hour !
her reply to my "You almost got us hit by that car !"
"I had a green light!"
"It wasn't a green ARROW- you had a YIELD!"
"Stop shitting yourself, it didn't hit us!"
"Stop trying to kill me, and pay attention!"
-- now comes me turnin the radio down- her turnin it up-
who has a xanax?
cigarette? ahh yeh that'll work.
everyone shuts up and i smoke :))
this happened one mile from home.
we survived.
we didn't speak for the first half hour at home.
now all is fine.
cuz that's how we roll, baby.

(as i write this she and her dad are arguing over her crushin snack boxes, and takin out the trash - in the kitchen -- ugh. )

ok, so. backtracking to the beginning of our journey -- to go forward :
i was goin to get ready to head out with her- knowing she was gonna drive. i was ok with that. lately she has been drivin alot with her dad, and she's been doin real well. or at least that's what they tell me. so. i go to get ready. and guess what? i cannot find one very important part of my wardrobe. what do you think that might be? yeh. my bra. not even a dirty one. WTH? i'm searchin all over the place. even in my dirty laundry basket, of all places. to no avail. can't find one anywhere. i begin to wonder if the dogs have drug em off - or maybe even ate them? geesh.
so we have to add Target to our list of places to go. fun fun. not.
we head on out and go to the post office first , to mail my stupid life insurance -- that had lapsed. but thankfully- i was able to talk someone into waving the reinstatement form, and i only had to pay the three months-- yeh i know-- that i was behind, plus april payments... PHEW, then i needed to check my PO box. well, soulkid missed her turn so she was goin the wron way - or woulda been on a one way, in the parkin lot - so she had to park and i had to walk like half a block to go inside. y'all know that was fun. so after that we go to target to scope out the bras. of course, i come out of the dressing room, and the lady notices - right away that one of the two is "missing. " this kinda stuff only happens to me ya know. so i have to tell her i'm wearin it. talk about embarrassed . geesh. (there were two bras on one hanger.) so then i get treated like a thief , and 'escorted ' to the cashiers counter .. while hollerin for soulkid.. to join me, like the "white-trash alert" that we are :)) funny part was , she wasn't embarrassed at all, she just wanted me to buy her a shirt -- which i refused to do. she has had entirely too much money spent on her lately. so, there i was, tryin to be all stealth-like, and get outta there-- and she begins to 'argue' over a damn shirt. terrific .
i was never as happy as the moment we got out of there.
well, other than the moment -'white trash alert' was actually born.
(i'll tell ya about that little quote someday. it's a 'Soul original' )
so anyhow- we leave. soulkid still drivin, still doin good.

and we go down the road to have our nails done. yep. mommy daughter manicures.
how sweeT ! right? not so much really. first, we go in, and they have a wait. so , we go next door - kinda, and get a coffee. sit over there for a bit, then go back. they can only take one of us, so i let soulkid go first. ten or fifteen minutes later another gal calls me. okee dokee. she tries to seat me with my back to soulkid, i ask if i can sit next to her. sure no problem.
the woman was a friggin sadist !!! five minutes in and i was already grimmacing, but trying not to say anything---

she drew freakin BLOOD!

then , not only that -- five minutes later? she pours alcohol on it, without warning !
i say through gritted teeth "that's some alcohol"
OMG i think. WTH - i also think

now, i not only am in pain, but ready to hit her as well.
but nooo. i remain calm. well. as calm as can be expected.
she did it again. the bitch friggin cut me again.. on the other hand - a different finger- different cuticle. and i just couldn't contain myself any further. the one finger - my pinky on the other hand is still bleeding and stinging. she's friggin gouging this metal 'tool' into everthing she possibly can, and now/ yep- she has these freakin sharp clippy things, and i'm bleedin again ! NO THANKS. i refuse to pay for this kind of treatment.
i stood up and said. "ok, this is just NOT fun for me. i will pay when she is finished."
then i had to get some air. which in my language means have a cigarette. so i went to the car to look for soulkids 'missing' phone. which again halfway means - have a cigarette. ugh. her phone really was 'lost'. we thought she may have left it at target, but luckily while i was out there - someone called mine, and said it was at the coffee place, so i just went in there and got it.

it wasn't long after that when soulkid was finished. i was happy for that. i was even happier for the fact that i wasn't charge for my butchering. i mean partial manicure.

then of course we went on to endure the lovely 'almost car wreck'

you KNOW you wanna be me -- :))

or soulman - right?
cuz right now - it's his turn. she is drivin him to her boyfriends place of employment at this moment :)) wish them well.

and a happy night to y'all

PS- my brand new damn bras are too tight :((

have a nice day

Monday, March 29, 2010

well, who am i to call the kettle black ?

well, howdaya like me now?

yeh. that's what i thought. first, i gotta come in here yesterday ,and whine like a big baby. then of all things that i crybaby about? i turn around and do it right back. not my intention. i ended up sleepin the whole day long. not sure when i laid down today. 10-11 maybe , but i didn't get back up til maybe i think 7 P.M. yes i know . i'm just worthless. oh sorry. tryin not to whine, and it starts again.
really, i don't mean to get like this. it's gotta be the frekin back stuff. for days i've been crippled. to the point of discussing 'scooters-- vs. segways' with my family. of course, i am not ready for either one, but they do beat the hell out of a wheel chair. at least at this point in my life. i started bawlin like a child in that discussion. as i did when we bought this house, knowing that the stairs would be a problem. soulman, talked then about installing a stair- chair lift thing. i couldn't , and still refuse to face that idea. no way. so, yeh folks. stuff like this, just wears on me. it gets to me. and it depresses me.

i did however get my appointment scheduled for the lumbar steroid injection in my back. unfortunately, it is gonna be for when soulman is out of town next week. so i am hoping it works ok, as i will need a 'driver'. if i wait til soulman is home? it will be weeks.. and i can't be 'like this' that long. i'm fallin apart as it is.

i'm sittin here as it is. realizing that i have been home, for days. on my ass, if not in bed. virtually, a damn invalid. and it's just not fun. it makes me think about -- not bein able to clean the mess that i glare at up - at all. no bending, standing, lifting, no nuthin. or- not bein able to go out on the boat-- i have yet to be on it. well i did sit on it in the driveway one day while soulman worked on. but man, i wanna go out on it-- on the lake and fish. ya know. also - i think- even the pond-- i can't stand and walk to even friggin bank fish right now. not to mention carryin all the rods and tackle to get there.

soulman and soulkid finally made it to the grocery store today -- we were really out of everything. it was sad. and upsetting.

for me, to watch myself over these past maybe 8-10 years go from a totally independent do all - truly really run and do everything from wake up til go to bed... to this -- this thing that i am now? it simply angers me. i'm less than half of who i used to be.

twenty years ago? 'someone' told me "no one is ever gonna marry you - you're too independent".

obviously -- someone did marry me... but not the me i am.. i went from the be all - do all -- to being almost totally dependent . and i can't like it.

anyhow-- i spose i'm at the venting stage of my ' i've fallen and i can't get up' thing--
it'll pass soon.. i'll be back to 'normal' soon.


sorry folks.

ps-- do watch gilbert grape-- it's so good. i think i need to watch it again.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

why is no one postin today???

hiya folks --

i hate it when no one updates their blogs. or worse even.. they don't update -- and they don't comment on mine. WTH are you people doin all day? geesh. two of you? i mean thank you Donna, thank you Mary. but man, where are the rest of y'all? yeh, i do realize it's the weekend , and y'all are chillin, and catchin up with your lives and families and all that. but hey, don't i even cross your mind at all on the weekend? i'm here. i think of y'all. i post . i say hello to you. come say hello to me, would ya?
is that so difficult? "i could 'go' at any time Gilburt". y'all know that. don't be the one who didn't say g'bye. ok. i apologize. that was a low blow. but ya know what? i am such a idiot. i did somethin soooo stupid. i knew about it, and i even worried about it while it was happening. all i had to do was writ a freakin check, and put it in the mail. or even ask soulman to do that for me. did i? no. hell no. i just sat around worryin about it for a couple months -- until it finally happened. yep. wanna know what was in our PO box? a notice. yup. not a letter. but a notice. from my life insurance company. yes i sure did. i had let my life insurance go unpaid. for over two friggin months. i oughtta be shot. now, i have to fill out a questionnaire. IF i am correct - and i'm thinkin i'm not. i think it's only for the 10,000.00 one... the one i let lapse was for a lot more than that. but everything that is 'wrong' with me is 'service connected' so -- if i am RIGHT -- it shouldn't be held against me , as far as my insurance being reinstated - same rate-= same pay-out etc. BUT -- holy crap guys. if i am WRONG?? they will not re- insure me. in fact NOBODY will. not in my condition. there is just too much wrong with me. i have too many 'conditions/diagnosed and undiagnosed. like i said -- i could go at anytime. and no one wants to pay insurance out in any amount. i can't believe i let that go like that. 17.00 a month. what the hell was i thinking. or not thinking. it isn't the first time i've done this either. i did it once before a few years ago. and i've done it with other bills. i've even done it with our house payment ! (not this one - but i've done it in the past). i could just kick myself.
and i've had the form sittin right next to me the whole day long-- have i even put a pen to it yet? umm, nope. why? hellifiknow. i just don't know. my brain must be in the O-F-F position lately. i need help. someone help me.

(my favorite line in the whole movie - is in the first forty seconds-
there's a commercial - but it's worth it - just watch :))

What's Eating Gilbert Grape (1993)
Uploaded by m0vietrailerpark. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

ok... so anyhow. nothing i said up there was at all, what i had planned on writing. does that surprise you? me neither. in any way. i sure hope the new addition (Annie) the dog- you know - up top to your left -- i hope she will make for a good -
therapy dog. :))

[see? time passes - i re-read - i notice "top, RIGHT, not left. save me Baby Jesus.]

i just found this pic on if anyone is interested.

SO. anyhow. to get to what i had planned to write. geesh. i was on FB a while ago, and a friend of mine had mentioned her bicycle, immediately , MY lil mind goes in the direction of ME on a bicycle. yeh , i know.. can ya see it. not pretty, right? well.. ya know what i thought of?


who remembers these things??
i do. i don't care if it ages me or not. we all know i'm friggin old.
old, and on my way OUT the door.
if not in body, surely in mind.
say "g'bye Soul."
but yeh. that was my first image to come to mind. i remember my gramma had one of those. i also remember back then that (a - not sure where or why i was there) but a nursing home had like a mini - parking lot full of them, for the patients to use. (when i was a kid .

so anyhow-- yep- that's what i thought of, and actually often do. but mostly in humor. i do however, actually consider buying myself one of these --- someday. -

OR -
( it's more 'laid back' )

i may get stuck in this one

anyhow- these are "recumbent bicycles" . they're kind of expensive , but they would be good for me to use if or when i can't drive anymore. or maybe when i 'shouldn't drive. ya know. bleh.

i can't believe this is happening to me at my age. but face facts y'all. it IS happening. a lot of you have watched right along with me. my lil brain is shriveling right before our eyes.

ten years. it's all i ask. twenty would be better. but in ten, i just may see soulkid married, and have her 1st kid.

sorry-- i don't know where all that came from. it just did.

see? you shoulda blogged today.


some happy souls

wow -- soulman isn't home yet, but he's close. maybe half an hour away. he just sent me some pix on my phone -- of the finished product. yup -- our new boat. in all her glory. if you haven't read the fish tale i posted a couple days ago -- it will help you appreciate this boat even more. :)) if you have? then you know why we are so happy to have it. the post about the tourney -- and our boat was originally posted two years ago -- so imagine -- if it was 'that bad' then -- yes -- sooo much worse now. wanna buy it ? :)) it's cheap. just the pay-off. call me. :))

so anyways -- wanna see the new baby of the family?

isn't she pretttteeeee .
yeh that's a statement, not a question. :))
wanna know what makes it even better?
she's paid for. cash money- paid off :))

well, except for one little thing -
yeh THIS part -

but hey - that's kind of important, dontchya think?
the one we took off our boat for temporary use?
not only was it not powerful enough for this boat ?
it also knocked so much off of the value of our other boat,
that it made it virtually worthless.
the motor is all that makes the other boat worth a dime- even close to the pay-off.
so , yeh- we have to sell it, and soon, cuz we now have motor payments-
and old boat- boat payments-
so- i say again- wanna buy a cheap boat?
if i've known ya long enough - i may even let ya take over payments -

so anyhow-- i have to thank my pal Donna (TX) for pointing out the reason i was having problems getting my posts in the right place-- uhhhh, -- senility, perhaps?

yeh, for some unknown reason, i have MAY on my mind. first i go to a May appointment - in March. then I post a friggin March post - dated as May. just lock me up -- but visit once in a while k?

happy sunday y'all.. hope you get some sun. as you prolly have guessed, i haven't been outside yet- and i have no clue what it's like out there in the world.

maybe i should just go with the name "Herman".. ya think.?

Saturday, March 27, 2010

saturday selections

hiya folks. how's your saturday goin so far? i hope it's great. really. warm? sunny? happy? pain-free; for those of us with pain issues? all around just a good day in the works? that's what i hope for y'all.

geesh it's like 11 a.m. - it feels like one. i thought it was for a minute, til i just looked at the time on my computer. how weird. yes i did have a rough night last night. again. WTH people? i have had such a messed up week, as far as sleep goes. patchy sleep, at best. some nights, no sleep at all. most days no nap , but one was surely needed. days and nights gettin flip flopped all around. it's been a disaster.
i'm wonderin if that is why my back etc. has been givin me so much trouble, or if it's somethin else. i don't know for sure what it could be, but last night and yesterday - it got so bad - pain wise, that when i got up at like midnight, i used the bathroom mirror-- to the best of my ability, to try and take a look at my low back. it seemed pretty swollen lookin at it. i was damn near crippled yesterday. it's been comin for at least a week tho. but it finally hit me hard yesterday when i got up in the morning. good Lord , it was bad. if i wouldn't have had meds -- i surely would have been headin to the dr. somewhere. for something. i did however call my pain dr. to schedule another steroid injection in my back. that's how bad it was. i didn't accomplish squat around the house-- except to put my clothes in the dryer -- that soulman washed for me. i then folded them- kinda.. but at least i had somethin clean to wear-- for once in like weeks it seems. if not for the last few warm days-- and the fact that i luckily had clean shorts handy -- i woulda been nekkid for sure. i got lucky there. bleh.
so yeh. soulman got me a load of wash started , i just had to finish it up- cuz he had stuff to do with the boat-- gettin ready for a tournament at lake Amistad. [not sure if i've mentioned that or not- but he will be gone almost a week-- beginning Easter Sunday -- oh yay :(( ]

that's why my hair hasn't been frosted yet. cuz if he hasn't been at work, he's been gettin the boat and tackle ready. (motor swapping - again on the boatS) ; and - or , my friggin back has been OUT. i been tryin and tryin to figure out WTH i might have done to my back to make it be this way -- i have no idea. the drive to austin? fishin the , what twice? , i did have to carry heavy crap on the austin etc trip- and drive alot-- it could be what happened. but hell, i don't know. i only know it hurts, like a mo-fo. and like i said - it looks swollen around my spine in the lower area in my back. so i may have slipped a disc-- or one may be bulging, but it aint fun-- at all.

so as for today? soulman had to go to -- somewhere -- all i know is it's about 4 hours in each direction - there and back - and he got about as much sleeep as i did last night.
oh- he's goin to pick up the 'new' motor for the 'new' boat. ugh-- i know - even i'm confused. all i do is make sure the shit gets paid for. but his original plan was to drive there , swap motors and drive home today -- i told him-- nooooo-- you'll be too tired -- get a room on your way back, it's not worth wreckin just to save a little money. so he'll prolly stop somewhere and stay the night.

as for me and my soulchild today? not real sure what we'll do. i have trouble with the pain, as far as walkin goes.. along with other movement-- even layin down. that's why i got out of bed at like 1 or 2-- i woke up at 12. after goin to sleep at maybe 9. ugh. sucks man. so. not only am i in pain, i'm exhausted to boot.

they're havin another yard sale across the street today. i'm tempted to go over and just shoot the shit with the gals over there for a while-- but i'm in my jammies-- i'm out of coffee-- and i'm prolly way too tired to cary on a conversation. but i know it would be fun.

i also thought about goin fishin for a while-- then i second guessed that-- cuz i just don't have the standing and walkin in me today i don't think.

then i thought-- we have a frickin totally empty fridge and pantry -- that should be dealt with -- today. i could take the kid to the base and grocery shop- maybe hit the -exchange- 'department store' too. maybe. but that too, requires a lot of walking - on my part. i don't think so.

i might as well just take my ruined ass to bed. maybe after a couple hours of sleep -- maybe then, i might feel a little better, and we - or i could accomplish something.

but i reckon for this moment- i'll work on bills and my check book and stuff like that. that's usually what i do when i can't sleep anyhow. afterwards, i really think i need some sleep. without soulman here to referee us - -it could get nasty between me and soulkid. she too-- couldn't sleep last night. was it a full moon or somethin???

anyhow-- i spose i'll shut this down for now - and let y'all continue with your days--
hope they are good to you-

Friday, March 26, 2010

People, get ready

prepare yourself and get comfy-- below is my first blog - novella :)) i think.

sorry folks but really -- it is maybe my first LOOOOONG ass post on my blog -- but hey -- folks read it. and folks apparently liked it -- folks commented on it -- so here i am, (we are) still fishin like fools -- and also, our 18th ... yup that's what i said.. our 18th wedding anniversary is arriving.. along with warmer weather. which means i get to come out of hibernation :)) and fish my lil ass off again !!

so. i had a talk with a pal of mine the other day that got me thinkin of this big ole cat-fish here. "Fathead" , we named him.

so i just had to look for these pix-- and along with them, i re-read this post and i laughed my butt off. we are so like children when we fight. i mean fish. or both even. but hey-- 18 years? it's a crazy miracle. it's a crazy life. but someone has to put up with me.

i thank God for my soulman, and my soulkid.

and for all of yOU--- just look at the comments -- all of you still stand by me-- through all of the insane ramblings-- and sleep bloggin, and just my senile moments and the good times too--

i really do love all of you-- how could i not?

you're the soul-patrol--
i hope you can last through the long ass story -- and yes-- i was droppin a ton of f-bombs still back then-- aren't ya glad i worked on that issue a bit?

i am.

later peeps--
better go pee-- and get somethin to drink :))

hugs and happy weekends to you all !

RE-POST (5-24-08) tourney update- and cat fight

i had such big plans for this post last night-- i thought i'd be all funny, and happy, and up-beat with it... i may even go as far as to say creative-- for once in a blue moon.
but i really hate to say it-- i woke up this morning- after going to bed at 1- then UP at 5 a.m. - feeling like i had been beat with a stick. or perhaps a hammer. maybe even a sledgehammer. hell, while we're on the line of hammers-- let's go with a JACK-hammer. good Lord. WTH? i had a bad headache when i went to bed, but i had no idea it would be like this today. i sure hope it passes.

there. see what a little crybaby attack can o for a person? i feel better already. not really, but at least you don't expect too much, so it makes it easier for me to write. :))

anyhow---- yes we fished the tournament last night---- it ran from 630-1030 like last time. the weirdest thing happened though. regarding moods and attitudes. there were a lot more guys fishing this time. so many more guys that they paid three places rather than two like last time. and there were a lot of the same guys as last week.. but some weren't there-- but there were a lot that weren't there last week too . and aside from that-- they were talkative, and cheerful-- before, during , and after weigh-in. AND a couple even looked at AND spoke to me! i didn't initiate any conversation.. but i wasn't so rude that i didn't respond.... but i did keep it short.
but it was just weird.

i do wonder if the full moon last week-- and NOT last night-- had anything at all to do with anything? because as far as those guys acting different ---- it just so happened that soulman and i acted different too. and not in the same manner. we spent our days excited , and looking forward to going, and hopefully getting some sweet revenge. soulman is just a competitive type of guy-- he gets fired up over any tournament. but for me--it was personal. either way-- we had texted a couple times thru the day, and we were both in good moods and rarin to go.
so much so that we left the house almost an hour earlier than last time-- which made it a lot less stressful -- cuz last week, we barely made it to launch anyhow.

well---- all went damn near perfect-- we couldn't have asked for better. we had four fish in the boat before sundown. we were havin a great time. of course we had hit some snags, lost as couple rigs-- had a little frustration, but we were doin fine-- soulmans 2 fish , we knew weighed 3, maybe 4 pounds each-- and we were thrilled. my two, on the other hand-- were not quite as ego boosting. i really was pushin for "that one more big one" to hit our limit of five. and a second wouldn't have hurt either-- because my number two fish, was another "spot", and not quite 8 oz, IF we were lucky.. but hey-- if it's weighable-- it goes in the live well. so he did--- better safe than sorry-- and i tell ya-- this time-- the little fish made a difference-

but anyhow--- it was very windy--- and dark-- not only makes me cranky---- it makes the soulman.. well... grouchy. and when soulmans grouchy--- well... no matter how i feel... i get --- well... bitchy is the word that comes to mind. i hate that his attitude affects mine the way it does... but it does. in an instant. and you just won't believe what the turning point of the evening was. i still can't believe it myself.

there were were... catchin fish, feelin that were in the money, (somewhere)..., BUT-- it was windy, and it was dark, the fish had quit bitin about an hour before, and we had lost about ten bucks worth of tackle; not to mention the time and stress it took TRYING to save it,.... when all of the sudden ------- soulman gets a huge fish on... i do mean f'n HUGE too. he's on the front deck.. i'm on the back.... he is NOT a good communicator when we fish. never has been really. sometimes i'll be back there fishin away-- and all the sudden i'll hear a splash or thump--i look up there--and he'll have a fish! man, when i have a fish-- everyone knows it!
so anyhow--- there he is-- in the damn dark-- you can't see your damn hand in front of your face -- he's 18 feet in front of me.. when all the sudden i hear -- FISH! BIG FISH.. GET THE NET..
oh pahleeeeze. get the net. ok... so i already feel the pressure... i gotta go from back deck to front-- in the dark... get in the rod locker-- dig out the fuckin net-- and attempt to save a fish-- that has his rod tip bent over nearly in two-- all in the damn dark!!! so if you know me-- i instantly go into panic mode-- cuz my FIRST thought is-- if he loses this fish-- it's gonna be MY fault-- and i will never hear the end of it! so i attempt-- key word attempt-- to rush up to the front deck-- trying to find my little flashlight on the way--and got thru the chain of events i mentioned-- to help him get this fish in the boat.
what do you think happened? take a wild guess.....

did ya guess?

well.... there was shit ALL over that 19 foot boat!!! did i see it? NO. cuz i didn't know it was there-- right in the pathway. did i trip on it? YES. did i go down? YES. did it hurt? yep. did i cuss? yep? but i got back up and went for the net-- still thinkin if he loses this fish-- i'm screwed. so i go to get the net from the rod locker-- which happens to be full of --what? SHIT. trash. water bottles, empty bait packages... and other misc-- plain ole SHIT. did i cuss? did i get pissed? yes! cuz it was dark and i couldn't se a damn thing. i called his (our) boat a fuckin trash can!) BUT-- i got the damn net-- with my skinned and bruised knees-- and FINALLY went to the other side of the boat to help him with his damn fish.
could i see a damn thing? NO. i couldn't see his line to follow.. i couldn't see anything. i had nothing to guide me as to where to put the damn NET! and for those who fish-- you know-- one false move with the net-- and the fish is gone forever. fishing just isn't supposed to be that frickin stressful.
and you gotta realize too-- in the meantime of all my struggles-- soulman is havin his own..
he's about to have a stroke--- thinkin he has a twenty pound bass on the other end of that line-- which would be a lake record--AND his biggest bass of his life-- and gettin it in the boat very well depends on me-- , we are both panicking-- neither could see a thing. he did have a stupid little flashlight, which was shining everywhere -- except where it would do ME a bit of good. it was just NOT FUN. unfortunately, it wasn't even fun for him. i'm cursin the dark, and the boat... i had NEVER been so mad at that boat in all the years we've had it. i'm ready to get a new one now. he's been wanting a new boat for three years-- i've always said-- there's nothing wrong with this one-- well, ummmm... yes there is-- it's a piece of shit.
oh sorry-- the fish..... we did manage to get him in the boat. i bet it took a full ten minutes to do it. highly intense minutes i might add. but , in the last minute or two when he began to get closer to the surface-- at this point i did have control of the flashlight--- soulman finally says-- in a defeated voice--- "oh gawd, i hope this is a bass".
now there's something i hadn't even thought of.
what if it's a damn gar--or catfish-- and not a bass at all??? that would kinda suck.

then---- he flipped him over the side of the boat, and what did our wondering eyes gaze upon????


slimey little fucker !

i can't believe all the trouble he caused us.

but i will admit, that after all the chaos-- you can see--

we got over our pissed-off-ed-nish

how could we not?
he was HUGE
a monstah!!!

we tried to weigh him on my scales-- which maxed at 15 pounds and he bottomed em out!

we guessed him over 35 pounds.
i really struggled to hold him up for my pix with him.
the first pic of me with him- i refuse to post--
it is horrible!
i look like friggin Schwarzenegger (?)
lifting 500 pounds ! :))
my neck was all bulging and head crooked, eys buggin out--
i truly looked like SMEAGOL! LOL

anyhow-- after we calmed our immature selves--
we realized that it was fun-- and really should have been handled differently.
he was the biggest fish either of us have ever caught.
(i did catch a HUGE alligator gar in florida once-- no pic tho-
and can't compare the size-- due to my memory :((
but he was huge too. my biggest fish to date.

yep so anyhow--
here's me with the big dude:

LOOK at how huge he is-
i weigh
120-- this fish gotta be almost half of me-
dontcha think?
maybe 40-plus
who knows.
but a big motha!

ok-- so anyhow-- we got passed that fiasco---
we had maybe 30 minutes of fishing time left
before weigh-in.
but- hubby was pretty much done. i do mean DONE.
his next cast after retying his line after big boy here--
he got hung-up and lost his jig--
in the dark-- which meant no saving it.
which pissed him off...
even more.
he hates to drive the damn trolling motor in the wind.
he hates to fish in the wind.
he hates to fish in the dark
he was hatin on every damn thing.
and honestly-- each of us were holdin on-- just a little bit to our little argument we just had.

soooo--- he was ready to head to weigh in-- even tho i wanted to hit one more spot.
i wanted to get my "one more fish".
five or ten minutes was all i was askin for.... but he was ready to go-- and he let it be known.
so i stowed my crap and lit a cig, and said lets GO then.
he semed surprised. i don't know why--
HE wanted to go-- then he acted like I had been the one to act in the wrong.
another "tiff".

at this point-- i was runnin through my mind---
this is IT--
i am never fishin one of these night tourneys with HIM ever again !!
i had a whole little one sided argument goin--
in MY head.
i was pissed off--
but i didn't want to fight--
so i kept my mouth shut-- and smoked.
i'll never quit smokin ya know.
there is nothing else in this world that keeps my mouth shut in time of need as much as a cigarette :))

SO----- we weren't very far from from the weigh in ramp-- we tied "fathead"-vs-fLathead,
to the side of the boat-- but he got beat up too bad-- so we threw him in the live well-- the one that doesn't hold water--poor fishy-- he did alright tho-- it was less than five minutes-
when we got to the dock... soulman tied him to the side and tossed him in the water-- the plan
was to see if anyone wanted him-- to take home for eatin-- but we ended up just lettin him go.

anyhow--- we get up to the scales-- and like i said---
an entirely different atmosphere awaited us there.
at least ten more guys, prolly a few more--
and they were all talking.
last week.. barely a peep , from any of them.
freakin odd is all i can say about that.

also this time, vs. last time.. just about every boat had fish.. and most had
between 3 and five fish. good sized ones too.
last week.. most boats didn't have any fish. we had 4- they were mostly small, but we had some.
my best uneducated guess on that ,
is only that there was a full moon last week.. and not last night.
but don't quote me on that one.

we were maybe fifth to get weighed.
our big fish was -- i think.. 3."something" pounds-- soulman got that one-
not bad for a tourney fish. :))
our total weight was 7.26
i was a tiny bit peeved at the guy who weighed us-- only because the scales kept fluctuating-
between 7.29-7.28- and 7.26.
he took like 3 minutes to choose a weight to be official... and he chose 7.26.
which was alright-- i spose.
but he shoulda chose at least the mid weight-- since the scales were bein weird.
it's cuz i'm ME ya know :))

BUT--- we took it-- and we didn't mind-- too much.
well, hubby didn't mind at all-- but y'all know me-- i thought it was a conspiracy :))
which i'm sure it wasn't-- the guy was trying to be "official.

but anyways, they paid three places this week..
last week they only paid two places- which sucked.
i think they had enough money to pay three , but for whatever reason, they didn't.

so anyhow--
last night,

9.+ pounds won first place - pretty sure that was a 5 fish bag. (a limit)
7.26 pounds took 2nd place -- that was four fish :))
and third place was really close with 5. + 2 fish, and the big bass - i forget the weight of big fish.

for whatever reason it took these guys at least 15 minutes to figure out the payout-- something that should have been figured out loooong before weigh in..
and something that made me a little suspicious-- but that i spose is just how MY mind works.
"everyone's out to get me"

BUT-- in the end-- it's all good

cuz guess who won second place???

wanna see?

i guess, those asshats know who can fish now, don't they???

yep- i spose there WILL be a next time.
i think we are finally figurin out these damn fish out there.
we have just a good a chance as anyone else out there--
and i still feel like i need to do just a little bit better, before i give'm their turf back.
hahahahahahahhaahA !

(OH-- i almost forgot-- part of soulmans' grumpiness) --SOAB!--- wth is UP with the underlining all of the sudden-- this hasn't happend for a while--dammit!

anyhow--- the grumpies--- right before he got that catfish..... like i said , it was dark.. really dark, no full moon this time, so very little natural light- or otherwise-- anyhow-- there was a frickin METAL pole stickin up out of the water--- about five inches up-- he ran the boat smack into it headfirst ! he almost went into the lake! it scared the shit outta ME, so i can imagine how rattled HE was. he had his vest on, i did not--- one of -- ok.. OUR biggest fear on the boat-- ESPECIALLY in the dark.. is for one of us to fall in the water-- especially without a vest on. and for me--- the thought terrifies me. he is so big-- if he went in-- i honestly dont know if i would physically be able to do anything. and NO way could i get him onto the boat--NONE. i can't even pull my own self onto the boat. i just don't have the strength.
he didn't used to worry so much about me-- i mean he worried-- but since i had the seizure-- he is always on me about wearing my vest all the time... but it gets in my way when i reel. so i don't-- i do wear it when the big motor is running-- and he wears his when the big motor is running... the most dangerous time on the boat--- but while trolling and going slow-- it's rare that we wear them, especially if it's hot. so anyhow-- yep-- that was a bit scary--- and he got pissed-- then just a couple minutes later he got that giant fish-- and it was a total mess.

i'm thinkin i need to figure out how to work the video camera thing on my camera-- or find out what's wrong with my regular vid camera---- there's be nuthin funnier than a live action peek into a day on the lake with US.

laurel and hardy-- i say.

welp--- i'm gettin outta heah. this post takes the record on the longet to write eveh i believe.
besides-- i must pee-- like right NOW.

hoping you all have perfect days in your worlds today!!!!!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

a peek into smochas life , and mine

ok, so i don't know how else to hijack a video -- other than to put it here. no doubt you'll like it -- so i didn't think you would mind.

this is a video that my sis just posted -- and i absolutely LOVE IT. it is pix of her three boys. i don't know if y'all understand how it is or not , when a person (me) can love a nephew -- or 3 -- as much as i do mine, as if they were her own children. but that is how close i feel to these kids. she had her kids at a young age, and us only being four years apart in age- i of course was young too. i sort of grew up with these guys. and they are now no less than wonderful young men. the memories i have with and about these boys -- are ones i hope never get lost in my sea of senility -- i don't think i've lost any of them yet-- i so hope i never do. i love them, and i love her. even though i lost a lot of years with them due to my years in the navy, and then our married lives and families etc. they always stay in my heart and mind.

- i hope you like it-- you could go read her post --- sort of a tribute to these terrific kids -- she writes it so well. as much as folks say that they like the way i write here? i don't think i could write a post as funny, endearing, and as touching as this one. have a look. and enjoy the video .

[ *** ok. for some reason... most likely operator malfunction- again - the video uploaded like half a screen. yippee. but - if ya click on the video screen, it takes ya to the video on u-tube. then, if ya expand it to a full size screen? voila -- you see a wonderful video of my three nephews -- growing up before your very eyes. whilst listening to a most awesome song -- performed by "Boston".]

i had an entirely different subject in mind to post today -- but y'all got this instead.

happpy happy days to you in your worlds today-- cheers !

as my bed meds defy my mind and body-- i find stuff like this on the net -

we've all surely heard about Biden and his recent extreme 'F-Bomb" blooper, correct? but, how many have actually seen it? well, me too. tonight was my first time. i saw it online. it is both amusing, and shocking.

i mean professional athletes and other less important public figures both have been scolded, and even fined for less. yet here is our vice president of America -- using one of the top three no-no words in our language. and gets a few chuckles?

Watch CBS News Videos Online (apparently they already took that down )

(won't be long before this one's gone- so watch it in a hurry)

is nothing sacred anymore? no wonder our kids don't care about politics anymore-- our politicians don't care about politics . geesh. so why should they? the entire country wants a paycheck. and i reckon that's all anything is about anymore. to most.

i still say.. gimmee me fishin gear, a lake, some sunshine, some sort of shelter- climate control, and the soul-clan and soul-pets, and i'm good to go. everything else just complicates shit. i like the simple things in life. in fact i could live in a cave-- and someday -- maybe i just will. this life is gettin just bit too complicated for me.

and ya know what else? writing at this moment, is becoming a little complicated too. i dropped my meds over an hour or so ago -- and the message i'm gettin right about now? is -- go take your ass to bed soul -- before somethin really really stupid happens. all 'you will accomplish is a whole lotta nuthin. --- go to sleep. rest up- and get back on track tomorrow.

that's not talkin to myself, but 'self talk' , it's a good thing. not a mental thing=
so. it's ok :)) trust me here k?

on that note-- i am goin to bed--
night y'all
happy night- and a happy tomorrow as well

g'night and have a pleasant tomorrow (see me wavin at ya?)

bed time for soul ! the meds have hit-- hard -- and i am outta heah !!

(this post has sat for an hour waiting on me to hit the "publish button" geesh. one a those nights-- and obviously, i'm Still UP) save me. or shoot me. someone?
will i ever sleep like a human again ?

(i apologize- but i included a short rant in my comment box - if you care to have a peek-- or perhaps enlighten me further on this issue?)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

just call me sassy pants soul -- hold the applause please :))

my pal Val, bestowed this award upon me . y'all know i call her Charlotte. always have. just somethin i thought suited her. so, that's how nick-names are born. so yeh. she awarded me this sweet little badge to place on my braggin board, and i will do just that. she also had a very kind sentiment towards me to go along with it. i appreciate her sweet words. (just so ya know C)

the rules that accompany this sweet little award:

yes, this one here. well, up there.
isn't it CUTE?

so-- to move things along here --- the dreaded "rules"

First, you post about your award, advising who gave it to you and create a link back to their blog.

Then you list five things that make you happy.

Last, pass along this award to five bloggers who make you smile.

Five (more) things that make me happy:

1 -fishin -- better yet? catchin a big ole fatass bass :))
2 -bein on and or fishin on the boat
3 - sunshine, sunshine, and more sunshine
4- my VANS with NO socks :)) you know you love my vans - admit it
5 - all of YOU - each one of you has your own place in my heart -- like it or not

my five bloggers who get this award? hmmmmmm.
geesh -- i really hate this part. besides, "C" - Val, already picked 5 and a few of them i woulda picked.

so- i shall go with:

Mary - at Pathways
Erin - at Life Unscripted
Kelly - at The Moohaa
Raine - at Aftermath
Summer - at Slap the Goat

enjoy it folks -- you are in my circle of friends -- and i hope you are happy to be there.

now y'all, really -- ya gotta hold off on the awards. i do love and appreciate them.. but this could go to my head really fast. a virtual hug is just as good. or a mere comment here or there. but i do thank you for the awards .. i can't be spoiled like this tho--

so - to move on for a second - cuz i have to get ready for the HVAC dude to replace our T-stats .

i have to give Donna TX some props on a couple of her photos she posted on her blog a few (couple weeks ago.) they are way too awesome to not share with folks who may not go to her page. they are shots she took during her pre-wedding shoot for her daughters upcoming wedding. and personally , i have never seen anything so -- i don't know. i would have a poster of these made if they were mine-- or for sale. how bout y'all? really-- no favoritism... they are just GOOOOOD !

these were re-posted here with permission from Donna -
please don't take them without asking. ok?

and thanks Donna for lettin me use them.

hope y'all are happy in your worlds today!
me? just a bit senile -- but that's alright :))

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

well, now that that's outta the way (dot-dot-dot)

yeh. so. how do you do peeps?

it's tuesday. right? already feels like friday. too bad it aint. ugh. i amm all kindsa thrown off from the stayin up all night the other day. i was afraid it was gonna happen again last night, but thank goodness, soulman gave me a heads up that he was gonna go to bed early -- well, kinda early -- around 1030. but he told me around 945 -- so i of course downed the beddy bye meds in a hurry -- hoping my mindset wouldn't over rule my fear of bein left "up". so, i took my meds, did some crap online -- ooh and i had a most interestin conversation with brenda and her sister on facebook -- it's up there for the whole world to see if ya wanna scope it out. would you believe that we -- slight possibility- could be related in some distant way? . very strange -- but cool too. lots of first names in common, but last names, not real sure. and yes i know that's where the 'family' part comes in. but it was really a fun conversation.

anyhow-- i may have had a slight outta my head moment goin as the meds were kickin in.. but i enjoyed it . talkin with brenda and her sis. it was both fun and funny. and weather we are blood kin or not-- they adopted me . :))

and i was actually chilled enough afterwards to go to bed-- before soulman :)) and i slept -- and that was good.

although-- the day was quite the bust. as far as my chores etc went. soulman tho-- thank my God for him. i was in a lot of pain yesterday, and even though i had agreed to clean out the fridge-- we both knew my back and legs weren't gonna hold out for that-- at least not yesterday. i told him i would do it today , but we both just knew that it could not wait one more day -- not one more hour. so he did that too ! :))
the kitchen, dishes AND the fridge -- that oh my gawd-- there was nothin in it to specifically identify -- his best guess? a tomato juice spill way in the back. who the hell knew it could smell like a deer carcass? BARF! i really was ready to have him haul the entire thing to the dump and replace it. but now? it's poy-fect. i am gonna get a couple boxes of baking soda-- but really -- smells new in comparison.

y'all are jealous huh? you can't have him though. he is MINE. all mine! bwa hahahahah.

so. what else? yeh my hair. still not done. but it will for sure be done, if not tonight, tomorrow. he is at work today , but off tomorrow, so i will let him pick the day, cuz he was real busy yesterday here, and i know he's busy today. i can wait. but i will show y'all the new- doo. he does a real good job.

OH hell-

i almost forgot-- ya know what? i got another award. i could get all sassy pants if this continues :))
i'm kiddin. but do y'all realize how long it's been since i got an award? now i got two in almost as many days. ha. (i'm blushing.)

but Kristy - at Ramblings of a Mad Woman sent me this award yesterday. we've been readin each other for a while now. but i spose she says i have a "interesting blog ". and i should have the 'sunshine award." y'all know i will not refuse sunshine. EVER!

i like it-- and i like that she thought of me. lil ole soul.
what is goin on lately? i been feelin all invisible for months -
now i get awards out of the blue. hmmm.
that's ok - i'll take em. and THIS one?
i got sun-shine, on a cloud-y day :))

thanks Kristy !

and guess what? ya don't even have to hardly work for this one :))
that's the best part. here are "The rules "

Giving the Sunshine Award out:

1. Put the award on your blog or within your post
2. Pass the award on to "twelve" bloggers -- yeh right. pick a number. :))
3. Link the nominees within your post
4. Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5. Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award .
(i already did that part up there.)

as far as passin it out?
anyone that is linked on "places i wander"
over yonder ------->
you get the sunshine award.
it's been a long and yukky winter for everyone.
and we all deserve a little sunshine.
so take it away.
(LYNX- YOU TOO, sorry i don't have you hooked up here yet.)

ok then -- i gotta hit my to do list and my chores and all that fun stuff.

y'all have happy days -- hopefully filled with sunshine ! i haven't been out yet-- but the birds are singin, and i do see sun peekin thru the blinds-- that is a good sign :))

Monday, March 22, 2010

ok i'll go first - where the hizzle is everyone mid day on a monday anyhow?

hiya folks, and folk-ettes -

so. what's up on this fine monday for y'all? must be somethin since no one i know of has posted a thing today. in blogland at least. some haven't posted for a couple days. Brenda at least posted her happy award :))
Donna TX did mention she is extremely busy and will try to get to it next week. her baby is gettin married. isn't that sweet? the pictures i've been seein are awesome. if i can -- or Donna - if you see this -- i need to ask permission to post the ones with the shoes/roses. those are just poster quality- and so unique. beautiful ! i can't get over how awesome they are. and of course your daughter is a lovely bride. as is her dress. all the best -- again - to her and her man - and new life. ( awww , and this is where my heart gets mushy) :))

so. i shall move on to other things. prolly not so bright and shiny. not like that stuff-- or yesterdays post either. maybe that's why i been kinda puttin off writin about all this. but if i keep puttin it off, i'll forget everything. so i might as well get it down. ya think? y'all know i don't really pre- plan or pre-post -- or what some call 'work-on' my posts -- that's i guess how they end up so jumbled up-- long- or nonsical babble - ish. cuz i just sit - write - and hope for the best. sometimes it works, sometimes not. so- let's just go - and see what falls out - k?

i don't know if i should start with a kinda preface, or background or whatever first -- or just jump in feet first - or what. but i do know if i think too much about it -- it won't 'flow'.

so i guess i'll just w-r-i-t-e- ok- ok peeps-- get ready for a ride -- maybe get some coffee--- or whatever it is you do to [prep for 'my' posts :)) i'll wait.

in fact-- i think i'll get a cuppa too -- maybe i'll even pee . maybe you should too -- i think this'll be another long one. (sigh)

---- [ ok , that took longer than i expected .. how bout y'all? i ended up on business calls, and all kindsa other misc business i didn't expect at that moment.] but hey - i'm back.. you didn't even miss me did ya? that would be because online, you have no idea when i'm here, and when i'm not. just like magic :))

so. ready? comfy? lessgo then--

i was about to ask if you remember the other day that i was up all night-- ha!- then i remembered that it was only yesterdays post that even mentioned any of that-- even tho "technically" it was really saturday night. kinda. bleh. this blog stuff can get so confusing sometimes. can't it? or hell. maybe it's just me. regardless. here's where i'm at today -- or at least since my last post. and i really am not sure where to begin.

spose i'll just write and most likely end up jumpin around -- but that's not out of the ordinary -- for me. so i guess y'all can figure it out right? if not -- just say somethin- i'll help ya out with any confusion. ok?

ok-- do i seem nervous? i think i am. i apologize. it's just been a crazy; 'mixed up crazy' - not mental crazy - couple-a days. i'm ok though. not goin off the edge or nuthing. i'm doin alright for the most part. really. thing is. i had a kind of a revelation the other night when i was up all night. no -- not like that. just listen k.
i was just readin online, and cruisin around etc. and of course doin some writin, bloggin, etc. y'all know that much.

something though that a few of you may not know. maybe some had forgotten. but used to know. but this past friday, the 19th of march, just happens to be my eldest and first borns, my son, Patrick-- it was his 'death anniversary'. #21. for those who don't know, he died at 4.5 months old. he was an awesome baby. chunky, happy, advanced-- of course.. but unfortunately , he wasn't in perfect health. i did the best i knew how -- he visited dr's frequently, but they were military dr.s - and they thought i had no idea what i was talking about when i suggested my instincts were that he might have asthma. yep -- flat out blew me of. sent me home with dx -- ear infection. cold. respiratory infection. everything under the sun-- except asthma.
even tho- on more than one occasion i all but begged for them to test him for asthma-- they refused.
(i have never been medically stupid) for some reason, i kinda have at least some idea of some things medical-- even before i began researching my own mystery illnesses. so. long story short-- when he died-- and the way he died, and after all i went through- and what the so called doctors (yeh, my ass) told me, or refused to tell me... my thought was 'sudden infant death syndrome- "sids") for sooooo many years that was all i could say or accept -- because i knew that if i were smarter, or stronger-- or would have asked more questions- pushed harder- took him to an outside doc -- i just was dieing from the GUILT. i just felt i coulda/ shoulda/ what if i would have done something different -- something more -- just one of the many things i 'thought of or wanted to do---he may have lived.
the coroner report said he died of asthma. there was no sids about it. but up until maybe two years or three years ago-- it finally came to me that if i didn't accept the truth of how he died-- i may never heal of his, or the second loss. the one i have never come a bit closer to healing of.
yes, we lost another baby -- jacob- many years after him.
i can't force myself to write 'his' story right now-- many of y'all know it- some don't but you'll hear it another time. but this one is patricks. if i couldn't face the truth about his loss - and my part -- even though i honestly knew NO better than what my single mother,working all the time, ignorant young mind did not know- i could have had more options. IF only. i finally stopped saying he died from sids. i accepted that he died from asthma. i accepted that IF i knew more-- if someone told me more-- maybe- just maybe things would have been different. but it's not. things are the way they are- they were the way they were. i can't change any of it. it just is. and it always will be , the way it is, and was. none of it will ever change.

so in case anyone was wondering why touching that baby/infant at the yard sale the other day? this is a big- huge part of why. because like 8 years after patrick died , we lost jacob--- and i hadn't touched a baby ever since ! i don't even LOOK at baby's -- if at all possible-- i don't even Listen to them. i'm still scared. but that was a big step for me. i don't know if y'all understand . but it really was/and is, a big deal for me.

(also for those who may not know -- Patrick came and went more than two years before i met soulman, but he has always been more understanding of Patrick , than i think any other man would or could ever be.)

so. ok, now that we see that i apparently did end up feeling the need to preface this a little. ok a lot. let's go back to the other night-- the night i couldn't sleep. and my so -called revelation. of sorts. you know about Patrick. (i didn't mention one prolly very important part of that. i was asleep when he died. right next to him, and i didn't hear a thing. my sister and her boys were there too- all in different rooms.. no one else heard anything either.) more guilt. he was less than one foot away from me-- i 'shoulda heard something.. i didn't)

So -- it may not sound like much -- but when i was up the other night- of course this and a lot more began finding it's way into my thoughts. also- the fact that - most of the nights that i can't sleep , are nights that i am the 'last one up'. no matter where i am. i began to back track... i came to a few points of main interest -- number one being when the long term insomnia began. that was immediately after losing Jacob.
soulman was on active duty in the NAVY. he had to be at work at like 4 maybe 5 a.m. so he would come home tired -- not to mention that he too was grieving the baby. he would eat dinner- clean himself up- and go to bed early- maybe between 8 - 9 p.m. soulkid was two at that time- so she too was asleep asleep early. so guess what -- i NEVER slept.

after i realized that much-- i went further back -- found myself in my navy days-- on weekends- we would get motels - so we could have parties and not worry about getting in big trouble bein on base. underage drinkin etc. a lot of times - i would try to drink enough fast enough to not be the last one asleep-- but the times that i was? nope-- i'd stay up.

so-- what i do ? yep--- tried to go further back-- it's like that as far back as my mind will take me--- all the way back to when i was a young kid. my mother was all but absent -- my brother-- although he was six years older-- he didn't make me feel safe-- he had severe epilepsy, and was 'borderline retarded.' i was the one to take care of HIM, as far as i can remember. my sister-- she took care of me alright -- til i was maybe ten or so-- then she began plottin her escape from the hell we were in. i took on the mother role. by the time sis returned-- she had a family -- well, a husband and a first baby on the way -- every time i ever saw her after that-- it was always temporary -- and i never knew when or if she would leave. i never knew if it would be in the middle of the night-- so she wouldn't have to face the wrath of our mother ... i never 'knew anything'.

so-- when soulman woke up in the morning- i guess sunday morning-- at around 7 am.. i had written him a short email- of ust the main deets -- ya know i can't be the last one up-- it's always been this way- but got terribly worse after jacob. don't worry i'll talk to my shrink-- this is really too big for either of US to deal with.

well, he usually isn't ready or willing to talk about much if anything first thing in the morning-- he takes quite a while to 'wake up'. but he was really interested and it all made sense to him. and it clicked with him. i mean hey, we've lived together for almost 18 years. he knows me better than anyone on this planet. i didn't even live with my own mother that long. and he got it-- even more clearly than i did.
some of you know that i have called myself 'the protector' at times. right? well, that is not only a role i have taken, but a role i was actually forced to take - and from a very early age. i won't go into detail. but there are many reasons, many circumstances that hurled me into that role. i still fill that role. even tho i am no where near who i was at one time... as much as i can... i fill that position in as many situations as possible. especially when family or friends are involve. me? not so much-- but yeh-- there too.

so-- i went to my shrink appointment this morning. and i explain this to her.
how it just 'came to me'. (yeh i did just see her like a month ago-- but we both decided it might be a good idea to see how i was doin around this time-- the death anniversary , ya know. and like i said-- not too shabby.)

but her take on it? like me and hubby-- makes sense. makes a lot of sense. i may be onto somethin, and it may be the right time to 'work on this stuff'. including the babies. i have never 'clicked ' well with a therapist. it ends up bein a hate you and i wont work with you thing-- usually when they tell me all my problems are diet and exercise related. nuthin makes me more angry than that.
either that- or we end up clickin too well, and become friends and BS for an hour a week or something.
for years i have flat out refused a therapist and the shrink i work with- kinda does a little of both-- talks a bit and does my meds. works out ok. i'm usually pretty honest with her. sometimes i have to try to keep secrets if i think i can survive without hospitalization-- i do have a family-- but so far-- if i do feel like i need to go in-- i have let her know-- and she takes care of me.

so today when we talked-- and due to the time of year etc.. and maybe the place where i'm at-- ya know... maybe a place where i may be able to finally make sort of breakthrough into what has been blocking me for all these years. shutting me into myself and away from people and not bein able to sleep , and alot of stuff... i mean a whole lot of stuff that makes me a stranger to even myself---- we talked about maybe me doin an outpatient thing for a couple weeks. and also that i look into an EMDR thing. that, i need to look into. i don't remember much of what it's about-- it was offered to me a couple times over the years - but not in at least , hell maybe 8 or so. i need to look it up again. but i think it's like a regression type thing. hmmm. interesting.
not sure when outpatient will start-- i gotta get my kid in school- and go thru my insurance first - all that hooplah.
and as for the EMDR -- i don't even know if my insurance covers it or if i'm eligible-- that's gonna take time and research.

but other than all that? not much else to say right now--

cept i slept most of yesterday aaal the way away.
someone needs to call the coroner to check my fridge-- my hair isn't done yet-- kinda difficult when you're asleep.
i have mucho bills and misc business to take care of
i MUST wash my laundry today.

i'll never get everything done today-- well maybe if i pull an all nighter-- but seriously-- i'm still sufferin for that

love you guys

we got sunshine and NO snow-- how bout y'all??

Sunday, March 21, 2010

look y'all i reckon i'm happier than i thought i am

howdy folks -- happy midnight to ya-

brenda put the power of suggestion into my head to have some late night coffee , so here i am.. and not only that, since the first cup was the last sludge left in the pot from this morning? i just started a fresh pot, so i could have another cuppa. you do know what this means don't you? yup. it's all over but the cryin now.
you know i'm just teasin and tryin to blame brenda, right? i had been tryin to talk myself out of drinkin coffee already for an hour or two before i saw her mention it on face book. but really, once i saw it--- i was done for. i had a headache anyhow-- and knew it might help-- so i kinda virtually joined her in cuppa. why not right?
it was only a few minutes later when soulman came out from the bedroom, to see if i had fallen asleep on the couch. again. geesh. poor guy worries too much. i did however fall asleep out here one night last week, and pinched a nerve in my neck . man that was no fun at all. it hurt for several days ; my neck and shoulder. we have a theater seating type of couch - so i was not lying down.. it was more like bein all cockeyed and layed over half sideways in a recliner . sorta more-like. owwwch.
so he worries. he also worries that i will - might- could- fall asleep smokin -- sleep bloggin. it wouldn't be a first -- we all know this right? well mostly all. ugh. luckily it's been a while. i am becoming a more responsible smoker-- but hey it could happen.
so. unfortunately, i cost the man some sleep sometimes. i feel bad for that -- alot of the time. usually -- i am the first in the house to go to bed - and or, be asleep. we all like it that way i think-- everyone feels a bit safer that way. at least for me. they know i aint gonna eat- sleep- smoke - or drive-- under the influence of my sleepy meds. i have yet to attempt to go outside -- or drive -- but the blogging, sleep eating, and sleep smoking has happened in the past - and sometimes potentially dangerous things have occurred . ugh. yes really. we make fun sometimes-- but really - it's not funny. it's seriously dangerous when ya think about it. choking, burning, killing my family or myself. ya know? so yeh. i've gotten better - made some changes. etc.
but now that i think about it? just the other night-- 'somethin musta happened. cuz i know i had my cigs on my bed table when i went to sleep -- but when i woke up? they were in the livin room. and my lighter was still on my bed table. hmmm. i never did ask him. but it looks like soulman ,moved them. apparently for our protection.
that's pretty bad , dontchya think. i'm not a bad person... i just can't control myself when i'm asleep.

so anyways - guess what?

Mary from 'Pathways' sent this award to me. Thank you for thinking of me LBF.

i never pre-posted before, and lately i have been sleepin late -- til maybe 9 A.M -- not that i'm complainin, but most folks come around earlier than that lookin for somethin new to read with their coffee, and if i got nuthin, no one talks to me :(( so i figured i'd give this pre-post thing a try, and see how it goes. maybe until the late sleepin thing wears off and i wake up at 3 A.M. again , i may do it this way on occasion. just for y'all .
of course every post won't be self indulgent crap. not that i think this award is crap. i appreciate the thought behind it -- and i appreciate the friend who gave it to me. she is a real friend too-- just so ya know-- not just a blog pal. obviously.. or i wouldn't have done the meme, or the post. right? mary is my LBF. you don't know what that means - but that's alright-- i like it that way sometimes.. i have different 'names' for many of my friends - and that's what makes them special. well, you know what i mean. not the name- but the meaning behind it/them.

so, yes. that is right. and true. so yeh. i spose i should shut up and move on right about now don't you?

alrighty then...

[ *side note , before goin forward -- obviously, i had an operator malfunction and couldn't figure out how to pre-post this thing-- so here it is -- for you to read, whenever you want to. IF you want to :)) ]

Here are the rules for this award: [don't look at me that way, i didn't make em up :))]

1. When you receive this award you must thank the person that awarded you in a new post.

2. Name 10 things that make you happy.

3. Pass this award to other bloggers who make you happy. - (it's sposed to be ten- i aint even tryin for ten-- i'll do four - y'all do what ya want, but do play, o k ? )


1. y'all know the soul-clan, and soul-pets are number one in soul-land to make me happy.

2. i'm beginning to get some semblence of a life -- i kinda like that. and now with the warmer weather comin = more fishin and more movin around/exercise and all around just feelin better. even the thought makes me happy.

3. there is a real live vacation in the works around here. the soul-clan and i will be goin to TN in June to meet with a long time - but never met face to face yet friend and her family. (Prudence) - there will be a redneck BBQ to end all redneck BBQ's !! and boating, and fishin, swimmin, and all kinds of other stuff. literally a trip that has been talked about for 'years'. it is now gonna happen! and we're all happy about that!
even the men-folk :))

4. listening to soulkid laugh ! for 16 years it has been my favorite sound in the world. i will never ever get tired of it. and it will always be my happy sound.

5. comments from my friends on my blog or facebook -- as y'all know - they do all live in my computer :))

6. i'm beginning to learn that i don't mind 'people' as much as i thought. i actually 'visited' with my neighbors last weekend - they were havin a yardsale - how could i not scope it out. later i took the $10.00 over- they were done and inside. with a BABY/ a INFANT - (and i touched him! TWICE) there were 5 or 6 ladies - ages 20 to 50.. and they were all laughin and cacklin... and one told me they had already nicknamed me --- Herman. "Herman the hermit " !!! i told them i like 'Soul" :)) but they could go with that if they wanted to. yes i told them my real name too-- i don't think herman is acceptable-- for any of us.
they invited me over for another time (any time) -- i told them ok-- then i let them know-- "i'll never come over here-- i have coffee every morning tho-- feel free" . so we shall see :))
it was a good time-- both times.

(catching my breath)

7. good, solid, painless, sleep - that makes me happy.

8.warm days that i feel GOOD all over, are happy days.

9. days when my whole family is happy at the same time, make me happy.

10. did i mention-- fishing makes me happy -- friends and family make me happy -- writing makes me happy - and i reckon feeling like i belong 'somewhere' in this world makes me happy.

i told ya -- i'm easy to please. i don't think - in retrospect, that anything i mentioned up there costs a dime.

so. i thank you folks for puttin up with me -- i know it aint easy sometimes. :))
"just love me" :))

I'm passing on the award to the following:

they shall be--

donna -TX-
debbie -
donna -TN -
brenda -

and hey-- guess what else? it's a lot later now than it was when i posted that -- but in the meantime i been just cruisin around the net messin around, goin to new and different places , wherever my fat little snauseges took me--- and just guess where i landed a minute ago?

it's almost funny -- cuz it has to do with both themes of the day here on my blog-- go figure huh? things just happen that way sometimes around here.

anyhow go check out this link -- and participate if ya want -- i'm seriously thinkin about it. course, i'm half asleep at the moment-- i really should consider headin on to bed about now. i really don't wanna fall asleep in this chair again.
soulman is gonna do my hi-lites in my hair tomorrow, and if i have a pinched nerve in my neck, that won't be real comfortable, or maybe even possible. so yeh, i better start windin down here.
so yeh-- check this place out and see if it's somethin ya might wanna do -- if you like photos and you like happy -- you should like THIS TOO

( oh and btw -- it is sponsored by Frito Lay just so ya know)

anyhow-- on that happy note-- ha - happy - again. i am gonna go to bed. sooner or later.

--- * ha! so much for that idea-- it's later-- much later (3:59 A.m. - i'm STILL up)
still messin around.. still have a headache- still drinkin coffee. beginning to feel like my to do list i worked on earlier was all for naught-- due to the fact that i'll be lucky to last thru the hi- lites -- if that. and i really hope to get at least that far. but really THE most important on my list is to find whatever it is that died in my refrigigerator , dispose of it and disinfect every inch of that damn thing-- or simply replace it. cuz every time i put my face in there over the last few days? i could vomit , and refuse to eat out of it-- cept for the fresh groceries the fam got today, and soulkid cooked. that was yummy.

so anyhow-- i just wanted to show y'all another 'happy' i came across. it's a re-run for some, but new to many -- a video i posted a couple years ago. stuf that makes me smile . for some reason the music got pretty choppy in areas -- maybe from age? hellifiknow. but it's still fun to watch. hope you like it-

funny soul from soulmange on Vimeo.

g'nite peoples. or well, more like guten morgen for most :))