i have tried and tried , for several weeks to not think of , or worry about 'today'. but now it is here, and looming upon me. i mentioned a couple weeks ago, my neverending headache. right? well, it still lingers. it leaves, and returns, it comes back, or sometimes stays for days without a reprieve, before a rest of a few hours. but then it's back when i least expect it. i reckon i'm on at least the tail end of week four with this damn headache. it hasn't been unusual over the last maybe ten years or more to hold onto one for a week or so, but never a month. so yeh, around 2 1/2 weeks of it, i got concerned and scheduled the mri. and yep - i go in at 9 to get sucked into a tube and listen to bang-bang-bang , for about an hour and 1/2. i usually don't mind these too much, except for the fact that the last one i had-- i'm had some sort of damn panic attack. for some unknown reason. so, among other reasons , i'm just not lookin forward to it.
i know i joke a lot about my senile - even sometimes my aneurysm. knowing that neither is funny - but both lighten the load of what might be the reality of what i could be facing. not easy. and today i look it in the eye -- again.
i'll let ya know what they say -- but we all know that will take days or more to know anything. at least it's gettin done.
also - no sooner than i got that appointment scheduled another radiology place called me... know what they want? yep- you guessed it -- my 6 month follow-up for my gastro (belly) mri. i told the lady -- shit, i have an mri on monday, when are you thinkin about it? will i turn green or somethin? she laughed. which helped. making me assume that's all rumor- or insurance bs, when they say you shouldn't have more than one or two in a year. know when she 'wanted to schedule me?' yep -- like wednesday ! uhhh, no! how far out can i push it? to the 15th. okay then.. let's do the 15th. shit are they really tryin to kill me? maybe i won't turn green , but hell.. MRI's two days apart - really people, that just can't be good for a person. at minimum my fillings would fall out-- dontchya think?
all this medical crap ... right now? i'm not even caught up with my house-- or my vacations, etc. i have shit to do, and here i am, back in the dr and appointment saddle again. thank the good Lord my out of pocket has been emptied for the year. oh hell.. i just remembered - i still have to schedule something to be done to my back too! whether it be steroid shots or the big bad rhizotomy. ugh.
oh and here's one i haven't mentioned. i couldn't really. not yet. but now that it's all out in the opened i spose i can. i think at least some of you know that i have been getting near monthly massage , since the end of -09 ? or somethin like that. well, when i had that last rhizotomy, it messed up my advance payments taken out of my bank every month, since i couldn't be touched at all for about 4-5 months. i couldn't get the massages at all. so they kept takin the money- while i fell further and further behind on my schedule- and my money. i called several times to have my account frozen until i could get caught up-- even doubling my session times -- but they never did freeze the account - and again- i kept falling behind. so , in the mean-time, my female masseuse - her dad got sick, and she moved out of state to help him. so i go back - lookin for her - and the only alternative - due to my many back and neck conditions - i end up with a maNseusse. never had one- ok , once. i was always uncomfortable with a man massager - always asked for a woman after that.. but i knew this guy was good, and the owner. and knew my med conditions . so i - like a fool -- requested him, when i started goin back a few months ago. ugh.
long story - short ---- the last time i was there - a couple weeks before we left for TN? he came on to me !!! i didn't have time to deal with any of it til we got back, so i waited.
well, saturday -- or sunday --? - i email a letter to the company - owned by my maNseusse. :(( requesting my 'contract' be cancelled , and the 4 months that i am paid ahead be refunded to me asap. i still haven't heard a word back -- of course it was a weekend.
anyhow-- i tell soulman this is all due to the fact that i will never get caught up financially - not with the pain, and procedures etc. he was cool with that.
bad thing? i had already told soulkid that he asked for my phone number last time i saw him. i skipped a little bit -- but even the phone part pissed her off and she said i better never go back. which i knew -- i just needed to hear someone else say it. and y'all know i lack in the girlfriend department out here. so soulkid was my confidant .
well.. whenever i was on the phone- and writin the email? the truth came out. they both were askin questions, and soulman was PISSED. ugh. sometimes bein honest doesn't pay off. ya know that? I didn't even do anything but leave -- then cancel my shit to never go back.. and i'm left feelin like i did do somethin wrong. where is the justice in that?
anyhow-- other than tat -- i must get ready fo z doctah
catchya latah peeps -- bet ya can't beat my excitement meter for the day can ya?
i'm still tryin to get to the tn update post -- just so much to do - so little time :((