Saturday, July 26, 2008

i should be fishin-

happy satahday peeps-

i have become quite the procrastinator this passed few months-- okay-- this passed year. it's terrible. i used to be so responsible. somehow i must find that responsible-ness in me again. i can't continue this way. it gets way to overwhelming , and i get way too frazzled when it comes time that i realize just how out of control my life is. it seems so sudden, but i know it isn't sudden. but , not until i'm in the middle of putting everything back together. it's enough to make me crazy. or mono -focussed at minimum. to where all i can think about is how much i haven't done-- have to do--- or will never catch up on. and that only puts me further behind in everything else. my neverending pit. pretty soon, i'll have dug myself a hole to china!

today is my last chance to get a ton of stuff accomplished
before leaving on monday-
the business stuff at least.
the packing, and cleaning can wait til tomorrow if it has to-
but the kennel, post office, banks, (yep--STILL have THREE -eegads.)
fill rx's, pay/mail bills-through like the 10th, that kinda stuff-
all has to be done today.
but any kind of business - this is it for me.
i hate waiting til the last minute-
i never ever used to do this.
it kills me.
i hate to be rushed, yet i always am.
and it's always my own fault.
maybe i need adderoll - for my possible ADD?

regardless of what my problem is-
i am sure hoping that this trip helps in some way.
the getting away from this house- and animals-
and believe it or not- responsibilities- i really do have some.
and just being able to spend time with the clan, and do whatever we want to do-
will help get us all back on track.

cuz-- i don't know exactly when things changed--
maybe around when school let out-
but it really seems like my whole world went to hell-
along with the rest of us (the fam)
i see it in my writing- my relationships-
everything..and everywhere.
i even feel it in my body.
not to mention my mind.
it has to change.
it has to get back to normal.
i have to get back to me.
i hope this is what we need to make that happen.

perhaps it will be a big ole bass at lake amistad...

maybe just a walk down the riverwalk in san antonio?

maybe just gettin the heck outta dodge for a while?
no tellin...
but somethin has to change-
somethin has to make a difference.
not much else seems to be working--
and not for lack of trying.
i have really done a lot to make things better.
but a lot seems to stay the same--
or even seem a bit worse.
i'm doin the best i can to not shut down-- like i'm used to-
like i want to..
but if something pivotal doesn't happen soon-
no matter how big or small it needs to be-
i think i'm gonna be a little worried at the direction this blog is gonna go in.
the writing here lately is just not ME .
it's scrapin the bottom of the barrel, just to write for writings sake,
there is no natural flow-
it's forced, and desperate--
"most of the time"
and i just don't see any sense in writing that way.
i just feel judged -- or maybe just too boring.
"guarded"-- that's the word..
i'm bein too "safe"
no idea--
but if i don't like my posts--
i can only assume that y'all don't either.

but anyhow---
if anyone feels like sayin a prayer or two today-
toss one of em up for me eh?
to get all i need to do done before i have to leave?

so i can do the happy dance--
this one makes me happy--
how can you not smile at THIS: