Monday, October 13, 2008

you hate me don't you?

awwww, don't look so serious. that's just a thing i say. but you do. huh?don't be hatin. i'm really tryin to get my shit together. but as you can see; it isn't workin out too well. in fact, let's use now as an example. i am soooo tired, i'm simply cross eyed. but am i asleep? obviously not.
then why in the hell am i on the computer? i bet that's your next question. right? well, that would be because, i have already read a magazine, and watched tv. and i have actually napped a little here and there. i just keep waking up. then falling asleep. then waking up. and so on.
it is extremely irritating. but then again, so is the bass (not fish-- music--:)) --coming thru my bedroom wall... and the sound of call of duty on xbox being played--- in the living room-- as it flows into my --- what should be quiet ---- bedroom.
oh stop bitchin. i'm tryin not to. :))
i should get a trophy for complaining queen lately, dontcha think?
really, i'm finally beginning to realize what a whiney little bitch i am. not that realizing it will change anything. but it sure is pissin me off. i think i have actually got so "thirsty", i'm what people in AA call bein on a "dry drunk". i'm just as cry baby , sloppy, poor me about everything. i may as well be drunk.
i don't know know why but it all hit me today. i'm not givin it all away though. i will admit-- some of it is justified. this is some hard shit to deal with. alot of what i'm sayin and feelin, and dealin with, and same with soulman... this is soul hell fo shizzle.
but hey-- i'm gettin pretty sick and tired of waitin for:
soul to come in here and rescue me. or for "dad to tell me what to do".. or to find blame with my mom, cuz i don't know how to be one. or with God, cuz He finds ways to make me struggle.
it gets damn old sittin on your ass waitin for shit to change. do y'all realize that?
and you know-- i have a habit of cleaning-- or as you see-- decorating--- or at times-- fishing-- or other time consuming, energy sucking tasks--- to take my mind off things. just for a while. which actually end up costing me days of sleep-- several meals--- an occasional friend or two--- and sometimes what little sobriety i have managed to hoard up. among other things.
sooooo---- as i was sittin here-- or should i say, layin here, trying to put my tired ass to sleep, my mind of course is goin 300 miles an hour, and making that simple feat impossible. so, i began to listen to what "i" had to say.
ya know, i make some good sense sometimes, if i listen. :))

well, when i can hear myself over the techno beat and the c'mon, you suck of the xbox man.
did someone say road trip? hmmm.
you drive-- i'll sleep!!!!

ok folks-- now tthat i have made absolutely not one lick-a-sense
i thik i shall try once more to go to sleep. i'm way too old for this not sleepin shit. ugh that reminds me-- i had a mental moment today -- driving soulkid to the doctor! we've been there 5 times---- but half way there, wth do you think happened? i totally got LOST! i could not figure out where i was or how to get there from where i was.
i knew as much to know that i was at the mall.. and my child was totally freakin out thinking i was not comin out of "this one"..
but "it came to me"-- with a little help from my soulkid-- and the old GPS-- that she thought to get out and program.
omg-- poor kid.

she had a good day today btw --- just in case you're wondering. i'm proud of her. she is doin good .
tryin real hard. so if you happen to be one that is prayin for her-- thanks, and keep it up, please.

i must sleep now.
see you manyana---

it's another outta my mind monday

(i'll organize these pics better later--- it explains whaddup later in the post-- you can click on the pix to make emm bigger iff'n ya want ta)

happy day to ya--
aaahll be baaaack.

howdy peeps...

hope y'alls monday isn't feelin too monday-ish.
boy, mine sure is.... here's one reason why----

yep. that really is MY laptop. :((
i woke up last night after little to no sleep. and for whatever reason, stayed up. i went to bed around 1130-ish. i think. at least that's when i took my meds and layed down. then something woke me up at about 130 a.m. i got up and checked on the girls-- surprisingly, they were sleeping. i decided to have a cigarette. with intentions of going back to bed. but that didn't happen. i ended up online-- and i couldn't even really tell you what i was doin on there. some of you maybe could, if i ended up at your place, but hell if i know.
the only way i even know i was online is cuz i burnt the hell out of my keyboard !!! (see above? )
never, ever, have i done that before. i guess i'm gonna throw some clear nail polish on the keys that burned and hope it prevents any peeling--- but with my luck it will only make it worse. i can't think of anything else to do do though.

one thing good about it? i could have stayed in bed for that cigarette and burned up the whole house with everyone in it, right?
my goodness, i gotta stop the smokin in the middle of the night. even when i don't "think" i'm tired.... like last night-- if ya think about it-- i was up and smokin and doin God knows what only a couple hours after takin 3 xanax and a couple muscle relaxers ! people have been known to drive-- and not even know it-- in that condition. i could see ME doin somethin like that. only cuz i am me. i just have luck like that. hell, knowin me , i'd prolly end up at the pond or some shit someday-- swimmin with the fishes--- only i'd be belly up. :))

someone just put me outta my misery would ya???

nah, i don't mean it that way. things are not so bad this last day or so. i guess writing about it helped me-- not that it makes it right to lay it out there for y'all-- i do know it's not "normal", in fact it's creepy and down right strange, for a person to "talk that way". but really, i am the type of person that when i "talk"-- or write something that has me in its grips-- it really does kinda lose it's power over me. and that's what happened when i wrote all that mental stuff. sometimes if i just get it outta my head, it helps. so i hope none of you got too upset over it. it is never ever my intent to upset any of you.

ok.. now i've lost my train of thought.
i'm trying to kill time as my office video uploads to utube so i can put it up here. yes, i did decide to video tape it. forgive me if you hate it. i was sleep deprived-- and like i said-- most likely a little on the over medicated side too. but it does show more detail than the pix.
but i spose i will put pix up too-- for the folks who can't handle the time or voice of the tape.

anyhow.. i really really wanna go back to bed-- but i have so much to do today i can't even stand the thought of it. i reckon i'll get back to you though on if i actually DO anything--or go to bed though. cuz the child has an appointment at 4--and another from 6 til 8. so with my entire evening booked solid? i think i really should get at least a few hours sleep before running myself down too awful much. the mono still takes a lot of my energy.
the familiy managed to get by without getting sick, so i am guessing i have passed the contagious
stages.. PHEW... so now i just really need to keep resting while i can, so i don't relapse. at least that's what the ole doctah say.

well, alrighteee then. i spose i am out of stuff to say for now.. lemmee get some pics up and check the video--- hope you likee.

and i hope you all have really good days today.

CRAP! utube finally finished my video-- BUT said it was too long to publish. just peachy.

oh well.. here's some photos.. for now. maybe later i will edit the video to make it shorter- maybe not. we shall seee. but for now-- i think i will go have a nap.