Tuesday, October 26, 2010

progress; not perfection -

welp folks, i survived yet another - "worst day of my life ".  i couldn't have done it without y'all.. and my lil soul-clan tho.  that is a fact.  well... not the surviving part... but the makin it through the way i did.  hard to explain, so i won't even try - but i think some of ya may just 'get it'. 
so anyhow -  if any of you don't know what i'm even talkin about here ?  i shall show ya-

see him?
sweet huh?
he's my son. Patrick.  in that pic he was about 2 months old.
a little over 2 months later?  he was gone.  yes, as in dead.  yesterday was his birthday.  he 'should' have been 22 years old.  i can never help but wonder what kind of man he would be.  what he would like, what he would 'do', would he be kind, would he be nice to me in my 'situation'.. would i even have a freakin situation.  blah - i just thought of the last part.  that isn't even fair - to anyone - is it.  anyhow.  yesterday.  my first born's birthday.  it's never been an easy day for me.  it's even harder with a family.  when i was single- and alone.. i could do - or go - or feel - however i wated - or needed to .  now- and for the last many years-- i have others to consider -- and 'hold it together' for.  of course i have to admit, there have been times that was impossible for me to do.  (without help)   i'm still here tho. 
to be even more honest?  i had 'plans' for yesterday.  and things didn't go as i had planned them.  to those who love me?  that has to be a good thing.  ok .  i admit .  to me .  today?  it's a good thing too.  the past week- maybe two?  i woulda told anyone (well no i wouldn't have - cuz i didn't)  anyhow-- i liked 'my' plan, better.  even though i wasn't sure of the outcome.  it sure wasn't to hang out at home-- listen to my only surviving child tell me a dozen times that she loves me.. cook for me.  lay in bed with me.  get phone calls, texts, emails,  and FB messages from folks.  i was force fed love.  and reminded that -- i am not alone.  what i was thinking - planning -- just was not fair. 
i will never perfect my feelings or my thoughts on days like that.  i will never know how to feel or how to do the right thing.  or even say the right thing to people who care about me.  i will never perfect the knowledge of accepting unconditional love -- from anyone.    but yesterday was progress for me.  to just breathe, and accept that i can make it through those times.  if i just allow people to care.  and believe that it is real.  and not some sort of obligation or sabatoge.   it's just cuz.  it's cuz i am me. 
so i just wana say thanks.  you know who you are.  and i love ya right back.

wanna see more progress?

my soul-cave is almost finished !
i can't wait !

aiiighty peeps i gotta go take me kid to z dr.   at least it aint me this time.... bwa hahahahaha

hope you all have really good days in your worlds today.   lemmee know what you're up to.  i'm just doin busy work.