Monday, September 6, 2010

guess what? it aint 3:33 - but it's close

seems like i woulda made it in here right on time -- if i was tryin. and to be honest , i kinda was.  but y'all know how my luck goes.  here it is - 3:38 A.M. , and i'm already havin a rough time of things. you wouldn't think a person would have much to do at 320 in the damn mornin would ya?  me neither, but remember.. this is ME we're talkin about.  well, me, five animals, havin to make coffee, of course havin to go pee-- in an ill equipped bathroom -- if ya know what i mean-- so then havin to retreat to the other bathroom, for mother natures supplies - ehem... then havin to let a barkin sushi outside - but first un-alarming the house-- then while making coffee -- lettin her 330 a.m yappin ass back inside - then finishin the coffee -- eevee came and went too-- but she doesn't do the damn barkin crap like sushi.  unless there's somethin significant to bark at.  bleh.  all this - and like three inhalers, antibiotics and a slew of other daily meds for my many ailments-- that now include 'possible' pneumonia.   yeh.  that's what i said.  the P word. nope.  don't wanna try to spell that again.  but i went to the doc on friday -- i think.  the doc is no expert on readin x-rays- so could only suspect- and treat me for ugh- pneumonia.  i admit- i have all the symptoms - so i don't think she's too far off - if not right on.  but she wanted to send the x-ray out to radiology to make sure - if it was that- and nothing worse- or less.  i'll get official results tuesday sometime.

all i know is i feel very run down, and sickly.  haven't gone anywhere since the dr on friday.. and aside from a burst of energy and goin though my closet and dresser clothes yesterday - i have done little to nothing else - cept online bills, etc.. and movies online, etc.  just tryin to slow my roll, and not keel over.  been doin pretty good cuttin down on smokin.  i bet i cut out a pack a day-- which, when ya smoke three packs a day -- prolly doesn't matter much one way or another.  but i feel a lil better there.  i do hope to quit someday .  but by now- y'all know i don't have much faith in that happening anytime soon.  i have tried so many times- and so many methods.. nothin ever seems to work out.  only thing that worked was when i was preggo with soulkid.  and y'all KNOW - my preggo days are OVAH!
oh yeh - back to my clothes. wonderin why i did that out of the blue?  well.  i think it was saturday.even tho i felt bad, and wasn't goin anywhere, i just thought i might feel better if i 'got dressed'. besides soulkid had friends comin over.  so- i went and got cleaned up, and went to get clothes on.  so, i was lookin for a pair of pants, that i know fit good-- couldn't find em.  the other pair that fit good-- were right there in my closet - but had already been worn a couple times- so i kept lookin- for clean pants.  i've had the chills with this - whatever - pneumonia, if that's what it is.  so i didn't wanna wear shorts -- i checked my dresser.  i found a pair of jeans -- they used to fit- and they used to fit pretty good too -- about 2 months ago.  i knew i had lost 'some' weight since i wore em last, but didn't think it's be a problem.  i toss em on, zip em, button em, turn around to grab a shirt, and guess what!?  they fell right off and down to the floor!  this would make some folks- especially women happy.  in almost every scenario.  how did I feel?  i got pissed .  worried. concerned.  in fact -- now that i think of it-- this pants issue may have happened before i went to the dr. i think it did.  but it was yesterday that i decided to get rid of all the clothes that don't friggin fit anymore.  even if i do ever get to that size again- i don't think it's gonna be any time yeh- it was then that i knew somethin was goin on with me.  not that i didn't know already.  it's just that it was to a point i couldn't ignore it anymore. i don't look in the mirror and see a skinny me. i see me at 150 + no matter what i weigh.  thanks mom. i know it's a mental problem, but i also know it is something i can not change.  the only way i ever know how big or small i am, is when i notice if my clothes are gettin too big or small.  and right now- the smallest of small clothes i have?  fall off.  i have to wear a belt! lest i lose my britches.
stress?  perhaps.  but of course-- i just know i am dying -- i just don't know what it is that's 'killing ' me.  lung cancer? adrenal tumor?  some unseen heart issue?  never know.  may never know.  like i've said before-- 'they'll find it on autopsy someday'.   but hey -- whoever's readin this?  i do not want an autopsy!  i don't want my family - any one of em, to see me after that.  no one can ever be prepared to see someone they love after they've been through an autopsy.  and those bastards never prepare a person to see what they're about to see. (*SIGH).

(insert coffee re-fill here )

so.  i haven't written here for quite some time, as you can see.  some days - i just don't bother tryin.  other days i do try- and get the dreaded white screen... and end up angry, frustrated , pissed off - and just want to delete the entire soul world off the internet.  just wipe my existence off the blog map.  then i realize... i had a place here once.  50-60 hits a day at one time.  i felt almost like a real live journalist then.  like dear abby or somethin.  that was great fun.   i really don't know what happened with that.  not sure if it was one of my bi-polar moments-- or if it was when soulkid had her troubles (both a couple years ago).  i do know that when soul land fell onto some seriously hard times and the laughs got silenced for a while.  some folks found better things to do- better places to go.  and that's fine. i know what it's like when folks don't know what to say.  and boy do i now that i leave a lot of folks speechless at times. i did the best i could do under the circumstances - and i still do.  i know i am not the same person y'all knew two or three years ago.  but hey.  my world was a puzzle torn apart- and later, put back together with a few pieces missing.  and in that case- i think i do pretty well with what i have left.  maybe y'all don't agree- and that's fine.  maybe the missing pieces are one or two of you. or parts of.  what do you think?  admit it - there's a distance between a few of us that at least i thought would never ever be less than friends for life.  today?  well, it's just not that way.  aside from a hand-full?  we're blog buddies- at best.  and i don't think you're surprised. i do think you know who you are.  and i actually think you are the only one of the two of us that know WHY that happened. AND, i'm blessed to finally be passed that. for the most part.
if you're wonderin WTH i'm talkin about?  you obviously haven't been comin around here long enough.  my brain works faster than my fingers.  sometimes vice versa.  i can't even keep up with myself.  i'm a lot to handle- and i know that.  and just in case you may have forgotten?  cold weather is comin in a few months.  those are the worst months of the year for me. they have been for years .  every year of my life.  and every year they seem to get worse.  winters i mean.  both physically, and mentally.  i hope you can prepare yourself.  or maybe i need to prepare myself.  i spose i am already trying. to prepare i mean.  i have a lot of under armour clothes.  you know what i'm talkin about right? the fishin/huntin clothes ya wear under your clothes? they're skin tight, so quite comfy as they aren't bulky-- i hate bulky!  remember the oompa loompa suit?  i still have that -- i look like a skeleton in it now.  but it's frickin warm.  i also now have some ski pants-- skin tight-- warm as hell.  and a long sleeved shirt just like it.  i have a full face mask - plastic wind guard thing- with also a ski cap rest of it type thing- yeh i know- that requires a pic.  but i'm armed and ready for a day on the boat in freezin weather -- if i can don my courage .  but yeh, that my friends will take much mustering of courage. and an 80.00 pair of carharrts! i lost my carhartts   in our last move. sexiest damn thing you'll ever see me wear. :))  yep-- i shall don the entire set of gear - and show you how hot i am.  i'll gain thirty pounds in it-- but i'll be warm as toast.  i also plan to buy a sun lamp-- made for folks with SAD= seasonal affective disorder.  can you believe it? on top of everything else -- i have THAT too.  and what a friggin acronym. SAD. in the winter.  just for me? (i know , it's not just me.)

so anyhow.  happy to be postin.  too bad it's not an upbeat post. just not feelin it lately. been bizzy. sickly. stressed out.  you know the drill.

hope you're all havin happy weekends in your worlds peeps!!!