Wednesday, December 30, 2009

soulio reflections

howdy folks-

i got nuthin- again. so here we go , on another- let's see what falls out- post.

not many folks have been posting too much lately , like i'm one to talk. but i did make my rounds yesterday-- i think i almost made it to all my peeps pages too. i was kinda proud of myself. i usually attempt that, and end up distracted half way through, then end up feeling guilty, cuz i know someone will see me somewhere, and feel like i skipped them on purpose. i think i managed to get everywhere on christmas day too. phew. that can be a job sometimes can't it? tryin to hit half a million pages , AND leave a quick comment-- on limited time? i got scolded that day- cuz soulman was bustin his ass his the kitchen-and smoker, whilst i was spreading holiday cheer through blogland.
haha. did it work? did i cheer any of you? i hope so-- cuz by the time i had finished working on my pictures, movies, and blog posts, and cruisin around to say hi to y'all... i barely had lifted a finger in the kitchen--- audrey helped with some stuff, even soulkid did... finally by the time i was done with what i was doin??? it was time to eat--- and i was guilt ridden and felt lazier than lazy.

since then i have 'meant to' take the christmas stuff down and get it all put away--- do you think that's happened yet? well of course not. every day it's one thing or another.
svu :)) -- the day i went to the dentist i was totally ruined. ya know how they usually don't numb up the entire mouth at once-- prolly so ya don't bite your dang tongue off on accident and not know it. -- well-- i can't get that deep scale cleaning without gettin numbed up. and i live almost an hour-- in traffic-- from my dentist-- i made it in 45 minutes that day. but i had to-- for insurance/money reasons-- had to get this done before the end of the year. so the only way to do my whole mouth by then? was in one appointment. meaning... sloppy-jawed- soul. ugh boy. i drove home with a paper towel over my mouth to catch the drool. i couldn't feel anything from under my nose down to my chin. i couldn't even smoke.. you know i tried a couple times-- but no way. that didn't happen til like an hour after i got home-- and it took two hands :))-- one to make sure it was in my 'closed' mouth, and one to hold it.... THAT's dedication, dontchya think. or, maybe stupidity at it's finest. after that i did my usual, and let the novacaine-- which is now not even called that-- but whatever it is-- it makes me tired. it always has. i think it's a family thing, soulkid and my sis get sleepy after novacaine. and i was souped up on at least nine shots of that crap. so i just laid down. that was at like -- maybe 1 - ish. i think i slept til maybe 7 or so.
that stuff just isn't nice to me.
so anyhow-- every day something has kept me from doing what i'm sposed to be doing and i find worthless ways to fill my time.

yesterday-- i was somewhat productive... but without leaving my house. damn it was cold-- and it friggin snowed again! THIRD time already. not sure exactly how many days-- but this is our third snow. WTF? this is texas man. this isn't sposed to happen here. i left kansas to get away from this crap-- and here i am-- 'trapped' in the house.
again. not that i would go anywhere anyhow-- but i might.
but noooo---- my car needs tires sooo baaad--- it's due for inspection and registration-- i can't do that-- til i get tires-- or it won't pass! i already don't do ice. i do not drive in snow and ice. go ahead and laugh you michiganites, and iowans! :)) i know 'our snow' is nothin but a joke to you-- but ice-- especially black ice-- is ice to me.
i can't tell ya how many times ice/black ice-- has caused me to wreck-- or near wreck my car over the years. i am a tropical wannabe-- need to be. and ice is not in that category. and with slick tires? ugh ugh.. it aint gonna happen. i will not drive on these roads.

i am however-- ehem, i stand corrected-- my soulman is getting my tires put on today.
money i really do not want to spend. but these tires aren't even safe in rain.
hell-- they shouldn't be driven on at all apparently. 35,000 mile warranty my arse.
they went to crap at 20,000.

i just laughed at myself as i wrote that-- it made me remember a time-- looong ago when i was young and carefree. i drove a pacer-- LOL -- yes the fishbowl on wheels.
this car had been thru hell. 'my drunk-mobile.' don't hate me. i was a problem child. i did time, and i never hurt anyone. well, unless ya count me-- and i still pay for that ya know.
me , in my brilliance, one day shortly before leaving for Navy boot camp. i called a friend, and said--
"hey - my car has really shitty breaks, but want to go to 'Magic Mountain?"

some of you know - magic mountain is now six flags-- this was when i lived in Bakersfield california-- i was about 19 .. she was a little older-- but drugs had fried her brain a little. so i spose i shoulda been a little smarter-- but i don't know-- i lived at deaths' door most of my life anyhow-- especially then. i was really a big risk taker.
and either she was too-- or she just didn't think. or hell, maybe she was a risk taker too.
anyways-- i went and picked her up-- i told her-- well, this was back in the day that no one but old ladies and babies buckled up-- so i told her--
"we have to use our seatbelts, we are liable to get in a wreck ya now. my brakes are all but gone."
"duh okay"

so off we go-- it was like 80 to 100 miles over the mountains -- well half way over-- i don't remember which one-- but it was at a top of a mountain, on a dangerous highway-- maybe hwy 5.. known for major crashes around curves and steep hills.
umm.. kind of a no brainer right? no brakes, dangerous roads = don't go.
not us.
can we say dumb-ass.
hey at least we stayed sober that day. ya gotta give us that. we were never sober. (together)
so anyhow-- we did go-- we did survive-- obviously--- but would you believe ?---
i dropped her off at her house--- oh-- not to mention that he brakes were totally GONE by now-- and i was only relying in the hand operated emergency brake---
i'm driving alone- every time the brake is pulled, the brakes squeal on the road. i just knew i was gonna get a ticket. i get five miles from her house and 'something flew right off my rear tire!!!! (now that i know more about cars-- i'm assuming it was the outside of the brake pads.. they were worn metal to metal, and nothing was there to hold them on... off they went!
scared the shit outta me.
i only had a few miles left, and i did make it home.
you know i had a lot of angels at work that day. they were prolly a little peeved with me too. cuz i was so stupid. you know the angel and the devil on your shoulders?
well... seems most of my life-- i've had a logical me-- and a 12 year old me sittin up there. it's so easy to listen to the child who never had a childhood sometimes.

now i think i have a me that wants to experience life and be busy and productive on one shoulder-- and on the other , sits the other me- the one that misses all the adventures that i left behind. the responsible one, the protective one. the one afraid of getting hurt, afraid of pain, afraid of everything. the one that thinks every damn thing through to the negative end.

i used to always say-- hell , i'm worth more dead than alive.
now i can't say that. now that i get more money-- i feel like-- nothing can happen to me. i have to be careful, so nothing happens to me. they wouldn't make it without my money.

of course there has been--for years another part to that-- a part that says or reminds me of other things or reasons why i need to stick around. that is-- when i don't want to.
hey- whatever works , right?
and even before that 'thing' happened.. there was always something else to keep me goin.
someone once called it 'a spark'. told me 'never let it go out'.

y'all know i have told you way more than a lot of other folks say on their blogs. so much so i felt the need to delete a lot of it. i still regret that at times. but oh well.
anyhow-- i think the ability i have that allows me to be that honest-- for one-- keeps that spark lit.
keeps the guilt goin sometimes, cuz i feel like i put a lot of pressure on y'all sometimes.
but ya know..... the people that can't or couldn't handle it have moved on. and so have i. not that it was easy to get close to folks only to have them leave over 'my feelings/thoughts/opinions'... but hey-- some people can't handle my type of honesty.

i didn't open this blog to hide stuff. i don't even hide stuff in my real life. well.. i think i said it before-- this blog is fact- not fiction. if i got up here and lied to y'all about some person that i wish i was-- or a person i wish you thought i was--
who would that help? what good would that do?
it wouldn't do a thing for me. i suck at lying. and it makes me feel guilty. i hate guilt.
and what would that do for anyone who reads this thing? for me to come in here and lie about dumb shit? nobody i can think of.

i've learned over the few years that i have had this blog, that being honest here doesn't mean that i have to spill every single detail of my life. i have learned a little restraint. and that has been a good thing. especially when it comes to my family. my daughter. i used to tell alot of her personal business on here-- it was a way for me to vent about it-- in a way to get it out of me- and get help from y'all, some who have been through it.
i also learned through that-- she might be a teenager-- but her problems are -- or can be-- adult problems-- and some of it-- just isn't my right to put online. by doing that-- it has opened a line of communication between her and i that i never imagined that we would have. if i have questions about her life-- i go to HER. and she has grown to be honest with me. even about the 'bad' stuff. "

i can't believe that her problems-- nearly killed me-- nearly split up this family-- only a short time ago. and today i look at her-- i look at 'us, as a family'. and by the grace of God-- and YOU KNOW-- with the help and support from y'all, we are still here , and we are a solid unit and a family again. we take our bumps and bruises, just like any other family. maybe our bumps are a little harder than the average joes-- maybe not..... regardless. i think you all know that i wouldn't be here if not for you. or at least for many of you.
my own body turned on me during those times with soulkid. yet-- y'all were there.. for me-- and even soulman. i thank you all for that.

i love many of you for that..and just because. cuz several of you came along after the worst of the worst here in soulland.

thank you for not letting me feel alone in this world. thanks you for thinking of us, and for prayin for us. and for giving me a new perspective on life-- almost every day.
y'all are my outside world. without you i would be living in my bedroom again. (not that i don't have my days-- but they're just days-- and it comes with the territory)
but you know, i couldn't be where i am today without you.
you know that. if you didn't, i hope you do now. (old and new peeps)

anyhow-- i told ya i was flyin by the seat of my pants on that one.
again- i open my mouth (fingers/mind) and whatever falls out- you get.

two and a wake up from a whole new year. i wonder what it holds for us. meaning you and me. yours and mine. seems every year holds so much, and drags endlessly with pain and loss, but here we stand at the end of yet another one. looking into not only a new year- but a new decade. that is just strange.

my kid will be 16 (in march) and driving . omg that scares me. it takes a friggin cattle prod to get her to clean her room- now i have to trust her with her life and that of others. ----- of course-- we all know that isn't a first-- right? ugh.

soulman and i will have our 18th wedding anniversary. (i swear i feel this is our third 18th :)) it feels like we've been together forever. not in a bad way-

my youngest nephew will have his 1st wedding anniversary :))

we will have a new-used boat. good or bad? i'll let ya know later- but it's purty.
soulman is pickin it up feb 1st in florida.

and-- who knows what else will happen? the rest is unplanned and left up to fate- or destiny- or God- or whatever. the life-fairies.

that's what i foresee in my 2010--- tell me what you see in yours?

happy humpday y'all
smile lots in your worlds today - new year- new chances.
and surely lots of changes-- i wish you all the BEST-

( i just read this-- too many typos to fix--
and my apologies for the babalathon)