Thursday, February 4, 2010

you may need some coffee for this one-- maybe pee first too :))

howdy folks-- top o' the mornin to ya-

i'm still freezing-- just so ya know-
and this post is TWO days long- so get comfy :))


i don't have long to write for now -- so i guess y'all are lucky, in that respect, eh?
cuz i have a feelin i could write, a lot, right now. and most likely a whole lotta nuthin. as usual.

this last few days have been a bit odd for me. in several ways. like i said-- i don't have the time to get into all of it-- or even most of it really.

ya know-- my best bet here is prolly to not try to rush this, and if i don't get it finished before i have to take the kid to school -- and get stuck with a needle-- labs, yippee!. -- maybe i should just save it to draft, and finish it later. ya think?


* enter- side note here = (that up there was written yesterday-- so i already got stuck-- needles don't bother me - so it went ok. of course there's more to that story-- that only adds to the disdain i hold for my endocrinologist dr. -- but i will spare you the details. for now.)

i heard that "phew" from y'all :))

anyhow- i already don't make any sense half the time-- if i try to rush through a post like this-- most of you won't even attempt to read through it. all you will see- read is -
my charlie brown speak---
"mwa mwa mwa mwa"

(this is me lightin a smoke and sippin some coffay) ahhhhh

ok, so now that i can breathe, and slow down -- with that plan of attack in motion. (being to slow down- and to save this and not hurry to finish - as i am in the same boat now as yesterday morning - runnin short on time)

but-- let me start over. k? ya still with me?
inhale. exhale. we good? ok.

so. where was i? besides in a hurry and frantically writing, unable to think.
ahhhh yes. obviously , my mind is a mess at the moment. wanna know why?
well, it's not the obvious 'off my nut thing'. no.

you see, this passed week or so, i have been-- well, let's just say "diggin up some old bones". i actually don't think they've ever been buried- so to speak... so they don't require much diggin.
so - maybe they're just the ole 'skeletons in the closet' kinda thing???
regardless of the 'metaphor' , this isn't something that happened on purpose , well, not really.
i mean i wasn't forced to talk about any of it, or anything.

it is however something that had already begun , on it's own, when a friend of mine had a tragedy in their life. of course, me, bein "me" ... i rush to the 'rescue'. -- or maybe the 'attempted rescue" -

mainly because i have walked in similar shoes--- and i haven't done it right. i want this person to know, and to learn from my mistakes that there is a better way-- and she must find it-- so she won't end up like me.

i'm getting to know this person on a deeper level through writing emails --- which to me seems the most honest way to get to know someone on a heart to heart basis-- no masks-- no awkward silence-- just feelings-- and truth. and experience, strength, and hope. shared between two people.

but, like i was saying--- it can bring up things that haven't been 'really', consciously thought of in a very long time. it can also bring up hurts and wrongs that have been done by and to others when i opened these wounds of my past.

'my story' ( at least the parts of it i shared) - might have helped this person begin a path to healing' -- but i wonder now-- if it has left me at a fork in the road where her life begins to change for the better; and i stand here confused , wondering which of the two paths before me to choose. which happens to be something i should have done almost 14 years ago.

confused yet?
sorry-- that would be my specialty.
my sis calls it my "cryptic speak" -- but-- i just don't like to name names-- or sometimes be specific about certain people, places, or things on here .

it doesn't seem necessary to do that- it could hurt people. 'innocent' people.
cuz 'things' are simply miscommunicated through the written word' way too often -- and when that is your -- ok MY -- main form of communication -- lemmee tell ya-- from experience-- it can really fuck things up. and it has-- more than once.

too often, people honestly don't know what they do- or don't do -- when it comes to life, and people in it. and when 'hyper-sensitive ME, is involved? God knows- it doesn't take much -- at the 'wrong' time, to throw me for a loop.
or worse? for me to throw y'all for a loop.
we all know it's true-- and unfortunately-- that is out of my control.
honestly. and sadly-- many times-- until it's too late.

anyhow-- back to what i was sayin---

i have no problem -- none-- openening my wounds to help another-- or maybe to at least, attempt to help another. i admit, i don't always succeed. there are times i really make things worse.

but i have to be honest-- i am never left unscathed by it. and sometimes, i just don't know what to do about that. because that is my own problem, nobody elses. whether i have helped a person - or not.

maybe i have this story-- or experience-- for the single reason of telling people how NOT to get through it. maybe to point them to people that i know who did do it right. and how much i have learned from those certain people.
and if i know how to contact them-- maybe i share that too.

i can't have been through what i have been through- and continue to go through-- in vain.
there has to be a reason for it.

helping others-- has got to be it. otherwise-- my life is a total waste of air and space.
and i refuse to believe that.

and y'all know i'm only talking about a peice of my life here.
the worst- and most painful piece, of course.
there is so much more to it. so much more to me.
i can't have been put here to live 'this' life -- only to suffer -- only to survive everything i have endured --- everything i continue to struggle with and fight through --- for 'nothing.

there has got to be more to it. more to me.
God did not bring me this far-- in 'this' life, to drop me on my ass. or to let me die in vain.
i am here-- i have the life he gave me-- for some reason, unknown to me.

i may end up dying in a wheelchair- in pain, with altzheimers- someday. i know i won't die alone. and i know that i will stand before my God, and i will know why my life was this way. and i will be proud to have served my God, the way i was supposed to.

JOB , from the bible-- he was a man of great strength and endurance. he suffered loss, and physical pain here too.
in the end-- he was ok with that.
maybe i will be too.

is anybody still with me?

i think even I am gettin lost here.

so. i will shut my yap now.

and hope you all have the happiest of days in your worlds-
i'm gonna clean my kitchen, and work on my taxes-- you know you wanna be me :))