Thursday, February 4, 2010

you may need some coffee for this one-- maybe pee first too :))

howdy folks-- top o' the mornin to ya-


i'm still freezing-- just so ya know-
and this post is TWO days long- so get comfy :))


wednesday:

i don't have long to write for now -- so i guess y'all are lucky, in that respect, eh?
cuz i have a feelin i could write, a lot, right now. and most likely a whole lotta nuthin. as usual.

this last few days have been a bit odd for me. in several ways. like i said-- i don't have the time to get into all of it-- or even most of it really.

ya know-- my best bet here is prolly to not try to rush this, and if i don't get it finished before i have to take the kid to school -- and get stuck with a needle-- labs, yippee!. -- maybe i should just save it to draft, and finish it later. ya think?

thursday:

* enter- side note here = (that up there was written yesterday-- so i already got stuck-- needles don't bother me - so it went ok. of course there's more to that story-- that only adds to the disdain i hold for my endocrinologist dr. -- but i will spare you the details. for now.)

i heard that "phew" from y'all :))

anyhow- i already don't make any sense half the time-- if i try to rush through a post like this-- most of you won't even attempt to read through it. all you will see- read is -
my charlie brown speak---
"mwa mwa mwa mwa"

(this is me lightin a smoke and sippin some coffay) ahhhhh

ok, so now that i can breathe, and slow down -- with that plan of attack in motion. (being to slow down- and to save this and not hurry to finish - as i am in the same boat now as yesterday morning - runnin short on time)


but-- let me start over. k? ya still with me?
inhale. exhale. we good? ok.

so. where was i? besides in a hurry and frantically writing, unable to think.
ahhhh yes. obviously , my mind is a mess at the moment. wanna know why?
well, it's not the obvious 'off my nut thing'. no.

you see, this passed week or so, i have been-- well, let's just say "diggin up some old bones". i actually don't think they've ever been buried- so to speak... so they don't require much diggin.
so - maybe they're just the ole 'skeletons in the closet' kinda thing???
regardless of the 'metaphor' , this isn't something that happened on purpose , well, not really.
i mean i wasn't forced to talk about any of it, or anything.

it is however something that had already begun , on it's own, when a friend of mine had a tragedy in their life. of course, me, bein "me" ... i rush to the 'rescue'. -- or maybe the 'attempted rescue" -

mainly because i have walked in similar shoes--- and i haven't done it right. i want this person to know, and to learn from my mistakes that there is a better way-- and she must find it-- so she won't end up like me.

i'm getting to know this person on a deeper level through writing emails --- which to me seems the most honest way to get to know someone on a heart to heart basis-- no masks-- no awkward silence-- just feelings-- and truth. and experience, strength, and hope. shared between two people.

but, like i was saying--- it can bring up things that haven't been 'really', consciously thought of in a very long time. it can also bring up hurts and wrongs that have been done by and to others when i opened these wounds of my past.

'my story' ( at least the parts of it i shared) - might have helped this person begin a path to healing' -- but i wonder now-- if it has left me at a fork in the road where her life begins to change for the better; and i stand here confused , wondering which of the two paths before me to choose. which happens to be something i should have done almost 14 years ago.

confused yet?
sorry-- that would be my specialty.
my sis calls it my "cryptic speak" -- but-- i just don't like to name names-- or sometimes be specific about certain people, places, or things on here .

it doesn't seem necessary to do that- it could hurt people. 'innocent' people.
cuz 'things' are simply miscommunicated through the written word' way too often -- and when that is your -- ok MY -- main form of communication -- lemmee tell ya-- from experience-- it can really fuck things up. and it has-- more than once.

too often, people honestly don't know what they do- or don't do -- when it comes to life, and people in it. and when 'hyper-sensitive ME, is involved? God knows- it doesn't take much -- at the 'wrong' time, to throw me for a loop.
or worse? for me to throw y'all for a loop.
we all know it's true-- and unfortunately-- that is out of my control.
honestly. and sadly-- many times-- until it's too late.

anyhow-- back to what i was sayin---

i have no problem -- none-- openening my wounds to help another-- or maybe to at least, attempt to help another. i admit, i don't always succeed. there are times i really make things worse.

but i have to be honest-- i am never left unscathed by it. and sometimes, i just don't know what to do about that. because that is my own problem, nobody elses. whether i have helped a person - or not.


maybe i have this story-- or experience-- for the single reason of telling people how NOT to get through it. maybe to point them to people that i know who did do it right. and how much i have learned from those certain people.
and if i know how to contact them-- maybe i share that too.

i can't have been through what i have been through- and continue to go through-- in vain.
there has to be a reason for it.

helping others-- has got to be it. otherwise-- my life is a total waste of air and space.
and i refuse to believe that.

and y'all know i'm only talking about a peice of my life here.
the worst- and most painful piece, of course.
there is so much more to it. so much more to me.
i can't have been put here to live 'this' life -- only to suffer -- only to survive everything i have endured --- everything i continue to struggle with and fight through --- for 'nothing.

there has got to be more to it. more to me.
God did not bring me this far-- in 'this' life, to drop me on my ass. or to let me die in vain.
i am here-- i have the life he gave me-- for some reason, unknown to me.

i may end up dying in a wheelchair- in pain, with altzheimers- someday. i know i won't die alone. and i know that i will stand before my God, and i will know why my life was this way. and i will be proud to have served my God, the way i was supposed to.

JOB , from the bible-- he was a man of great strength and endurance. he suffered loss, and physical pain here too.
in the end-- he was ok with that.
maybe i will be too.


is anybody still with me?

i think even I am gettin lost here.

so. i will shut my yap now.

and hope you all have the happiest of days in your worlds-
i'm gonna clean my kitchen, and work on my taxes-- you know you wanna be me :))

9 comments:

Smocha said...

First! And BTW, I have no damn idea what any of that just said.

:)

You know how I luve that. lol

Love me

Gypsy said...

It doesn't matter that I didn't know what you were talking about because the things I DID get from it made perfect sense.

I hope you sharing something painful DID help that person and I'm glad that in doing so, even though it brought up painful things, it also gave you something positive.

You add something wonderful to the world just by being YOU. You can take that to the bank me old China.

Now I'm going back to my blog semi retirement where I don't have to use any brain cells.

Be good.

Donna said...

I'm confused (besides S&B, that is). I got all the way through that and wasn't sure about the destination. Were you drinking decaf??? Guess I went on cruise control (the analogy to Charlie Brown speak was hilarious, BTW). God bless you for helping someone, and maybe they will see the right path to take. Sometimes our purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others, LOL. Been there and done that!

Donna said...

A Life, giving to Others, is a life worth living....(((HUG)))

This was said by Einstein...sort-of...

Jamie said...

I understood. And I believe you know which way or what to do next. Listen to your heart. Hugs, friend. Really. xo

Mary said...

I'm lost, too. Didn't understand everything but I do know that you care about people and will do anything that you can to help anyone along the way.

Our paths aren't always easy but at the end our efforts will be worth the pain.

Cheryl said...

I think I know exactly what and who you're talking about, and I think you're exactly right in your words and actions.

Golden To Silver Val said...

I'm sort of lost too, but I do know that you have a big heart....and if you follow it, you can't go wrong.

BREZZ said...

mwa mwa mwa mwa

need i say more?

y'all crack me up--

i knew ya wouldn't get it-- well-- all of it. this is prolly the reason why my book isn't written. cuz i make no sense.

lobotomy anyone? - well i mean-- lobotomist. we already know I need one. :))

anyhow-- nice to know i can be mental and ya still come back for more- :))

you guys are great people---

happy weekends y'all :X (smooch!)