Monday, October 17, 2011

i picked a bad life to quit smoking ~

dontchya think?  you know i was gonna say 'day', when it hit me ~ any day, is a bad day to quit smokin'.   that's prolly why i never succeed.  but .. i am at it once again . in of course , a half assed manner. once again . there is just too much goin on .  as always.  y'all know me. yall know how my life is.

if things are ever runnin smoothly - it's only for a matter of seconds. then it's chaos again. at best perhaps it might be controlled chaos.  if i'm lucky.  but we all know i have 'schleprock on my shoulder - and the devil on the other.  so anyhow, yeh a couple days ago i randomly decided to put on a nicotine patch and buy a electronic cigarette... along with a pack of smokes - just in case i failed.  so of course i couldn't just let perfectly good cigs go to waste in such stressful times - not with so much goin on.  Sushi was very ill, hospitalized even.  i read my own suicide note ! (from three years back) yeh , honestly - and it was very emotional for me i might add.  this month is a very rough time for me - 22 years runnin all in itself - without added crap.. and i have a lot of added crap.  this is also - i counted this time - my third year after almost dieing from a blood clot in my lung - know when that happened?  close to two weeks after i wrote the 'suicide note'.  can you believe that?  what a wake up call directly from God. don't you think so?  i have to say when i realized that - only a few days ago, i nearly fell out of my chair.  i didn't remember writing the 'note'.  it was on my computer.  not really entitled to be called such a thing... but i can tell that's what it was meant to be.  it was full of emotion, and helplessness.  defeat.  with no where to go .  i got sad and felt helpless reading it.  it was hard for me to believe that it was me who wrote it -- i sort of wanted to help 'that person'.  it was weird.

then -  later i realized that it was only two weeks later that i had the blood clot (pulmonary embolism)  that could have killed me. but didn't.  i was in extreme pain for two days before i saw a doctor for it.  apparently i wanted to die, then i should have died, but i didn't die.  i can still remember that pain.  i still remember fighting to live in the hospital.  i still remember how happy i was the day soulman took me home.  i even remember getting into the car when we left the hospital.  a friend called me right after soulman shut my car door !

all of this is very strange, i know.  when i read it all, it seemed strange and distant to me too.  even stranger is the fact that a person.. better yet that I, could sort of be shown the true options of life and death in a matter of a couple of weeks.  literally .  and how i was also shown, that i was feeling so tragically alone with myself - but when the truth was revealed to me while i was sick, my friends and people who loved and cared about me flooded my mailbox, my blog, my email, even my phone - i could hardly speak, and folks called me - just to say they loved me.  i was overwhelmed. 

the strength i gained from that experience gave me a whole new sense of life and love.  it gave me HOPE.  enough hope to share with a certain person that many of you still remember struggling a few years back.  we both nearly died around that time through a whole different set of circumstances.  but the love y'all shared with my entire little family is what brought us though that situation.  i hope you can give yourselves the credit you deserve for that.  because i don't think i've done it properly.  i felt it and i still do.  but i don't think i said the right words - or expressed my gratitude in the right way.  so many of you in your own unique ways saved the life of each one of us here.   only this last few days have i put it all together in an individual way.  i guess i wasn't capable of doing that before.  or if i did, you know how i am, maybe i forgot.  like i said - reading from three years ago really was like the first time.  there's so much stuff in these pages it is like reading a strangers blog sometimes -- well, if not for the soul - speak.  no one writes like me.  :))  

y'all gotta know i love ya.  if you don't know it - maybe i need to knock some heads around?

i reckon i should shut my self up , before ya run off. 

don't be a stranger eh?

be happy in your world tonight -
see ya soon -