Monday, February 4, 2008

just when you thought you were rid of me.. ha!


I’m not sure why I’m writing this now. I don’t know if I will post it. or if I do—when that will be.

But for whatever reason, I’m sitting here – blogging without the internet again. At least it isn’t with a damn pen and paper. That was a lot of work. But it was fun in a way. Nah.. it was just fun. Anyhow, this time, I’m writing on word on my computer—I just don’t have an internet connection where I am at the moment. But- in case you’re wondering, the moment is 8:07 pm… and I am somewhere that I normally would not be at this time. I’ll get back to this in a bit.

I’ve said before that if I don’t write—I might explode. I think that to be true – to an extent.

As I have already been writing for like almost two hours..and here I am..writing even more.

it doesn’t even matter what I write. It could be my “list”.. or my budget, that I rearrange and dabble with on a tri weekly basis—as if anything is actually going change in it. pennies from heaven perhaps?

I also write stupid little attempts at poetry ; sometimes I succeed… mostly I get four lines out - and into the shredder it goes. But anyhow—seems I’m always writing something.

Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.. I suppose I was born with a pen in mine. Maybe. So, I guess that is why I’m writing this.. because whether I post it—or delete it—or add it to my folder full of crap… it is written. Right?

So, anyways—I feel like I want to run down a list of everything that has been going on, in my life---and my mind—for the past several months. Just maybe to be more understood. But I won’t put anyone through that. Y’all know most of it anyhow. Enough to know that it’s just not the way I thought I would spend the last five months of my life.

It hasn’t all been bad stuff. Y’all know that. I am able to see the good in my life. And there is good in my life. I just seem to not know how to deal with it. the good, or the bad. or what to do with it. or whatever .

Holy hell--- that made absolutely no sense . but that is how it’s been with me for a few weeks lately. Or longer. Nothing at all seems to make any sense at all.

My thinking is way off kilter lately. My mind is slow. and it seems that everything I say—everything I do—or don’t do--- is just wrong. I feel so freakin out of control lately. Like I’m just walking through someone elses dream or something. Like I don’t know who I am. I really don’t think I do know who I am anymore. Well, that is , if I ever did know to begin with. I know parts of me. But other parts of me are gone. Dead. Lost. Different. Forgotten.

I don’t make sense to anyone.. not even to myself. I just can’t get it together.

I guess that sounds a bit mentally disturbed.. in a way, maybe it is—but not in the way that you may think—I mean.. I am not going insane or anything—I’m just a bit overwhelmed, and confused at the moment. Ya know? Maybe not. But I think I am beginning to. And perhaps that’s a start.

People I care about are going through terrible tragic things in their life. Things that no one should ever ever ever have to face in this lifetime. Things that will change who they are forever. It kills me to know this. And I do mean.. to know this. I can only pray that God will heal them and preserve their strength, and let them stay the wonderful people that they are. Then… at the same time--- as my heart breaks for them… as my old wounds are ripped open… I can only feel helpless and selfish. No matter what I try to say—it comes out wrong. Or not at all. Or I try to use myself as an example--- which makes it seem like I am making it about me… when that is not what I am doing at all. Not intentionally at least.

I wonder , how can this happen to someone I know. How can this happen to someone I love. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle the thought of what this is capable of doing to a person, a family. What it IS doing already to so many involved. And I hate that I can’t help.

Everything I said that would be thought and felt—and said—has been. It’s just cruel. And, Again, I find myself angry. I find myself angry at God ..again. and I haven’t been there in a long time. I’m just So damn angry that I can’t stand being in my own skin. Again.

So what do I do? I do/did just exactly what I said OTHER people would do. I became one of the people that said all the wrong things. Moments after I said that people would say stupid things that would be hurtful. Ugh. What an ass.

Ok, so anyhow—enough of that—

want to know where I am? Care to know where my soul searching has led me to this time?

This morning, as I found myself crying for about the tenth day in a row—and putting toothpaste in my hand, rather than my toothbrush.. for the second day in a row--- I decided, that I needed to get some stuff worked out. SOON.

I am not going to go into every single detail of my life over the past several weeks or months that brought me here. —some of you already know a lot of it.. a lot has not been mentioned, and doesn’t really need to be. But I will say this much. There is a place that I felt I needed to be that seems at times the only place in the world that makes me whole again when I feel empty. I am not able to go there very often, and, physically, it wasn’t easy to come this time. Actually, emotionally, not so much either.

But come I did.

Even though it worried a few people.. I am sorry for that. (the only people who knew I went were hubby , daughter and Jamie)—

God knows what goes through soulmans mind when I take off and come here alone without telling anyone, but I’ve done it before, and even though I always come home.. that is his only request – “just please come home”. I don’t know what he thinks might keep me from coming home, and I am afraid to ask—so I don’t. but that is all he ever says. “Just come home.”

So anyhow--- here’s the deal-

I am in Arkansas. This is where my son is buried, and a marker for my other son is placed beside him.

(my mother, brother, and many other relatives are buried here as well.) but , the reason I came is because I needed to clear some things up in my mind.

And my heart as well, I suppose.

I also decided that I wanted to bring some of my Midnights ashes to bury here with my boys. I saved some at home for the lake idea.. we will still do that.

So anyhow.. I’ll add more—when I know more…

As for now—it was a tough drive.. tearful, and painful..and y’all know me.. I got lost! For an hour—but I found it. same motel I’ve come to since I buried my son in 1989. I like it here.

I will see y’all soon


this is a creek that runs behind the motel
i stayed at
i fished a little in the morning, but it began to rain, so i left.
no fishies for me. only some rocks .
pretty though isn't it. the water is so clear!

these are some horses out on one of the dirt roads,

on the way to the cemetary.

pretty huh?

left to right--

my brother, my son patrick.. 10-88 to 3-89, jacob.. 1996.

and now, in front of jacob.. lies (part of) Midnight.

this isn't meant to make anybody sad... this was something i had to do.. and really, it helped me sort a lot of things out in my mind.