Monday, February 4, 2008

just when you thought you were rid of me.. ha!





2-2-08

I’m not sure why I’m writing this now. I don’t know if I will post it. or if I do—when that will be.

But for whatever reason, I’m sitting here – blogging without the internet again. At least it isn’t with a damn pen and paper. That was a lot of work. But it was fun in a way. Nah.. it was just fun. Anyhow, this time, I’m writing on word on my computer—I just don’t have an internet connection where I am at the moment. But- in case you’re wondering, the moment is 8:07 pm… and I am somewhere that I normally would not be at this time. I’ll get back to this in a bit.

I’ve said before that if I don’t write—I might explode. I think that to be true – to an extent.

As I have already been writing for like almost two hours..and here I am..writing even more.

it doesn’t even matter what I write. It could be my “list”.. or my budget, that I rearrange and dabble with on a tri weekly basis—as if anything is actually going change in it. pennies from heaven perhaps?

I also write stupid little attempts at poetry ; sometimes I succeed… mostly I get four lines out - and into the shredder it goes. But anyhow—seems I’m always writing something.

Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.. I suppose I was born with a pen in mine. Maybe. So, I guess that is why I’m writing this.. because whether I post it—or delete it—or add it to my folder full of crap… it is written. Right?

So, anyways—I feel like I want to run down a list of everything that has been going on, in my life---and my mind—for the past several months. Just maybe to be more understood. But I won’t put anyone through that. Y’all know most of it anyhow. Enough to know that it’s just not the way I thought I would spend the last five months of my life.

It hasn’t all been bad stuff. Y’all know that. I am able to see the good in my life. And there is good in my life. I just seem to not know how to deal with it. the good, or the bad. or what to do with it. or whatever .

Holy hell--- that made absolutely no sense . but that is how it’s been with me for a few weeks lately. Or longer. Nothing at all seems to make any sense at all.

My thinking is way off kilter lately. My mind is slow. and it seems that everything I say—everything I do—or don’t do--- is just wrong. I feel so freakin out of control lately. Like I’m just walking through someone elses dream or something. Like I don’t know who I am. I really don’t think I do know who I am anymore. Well, that is , if I ever did know to begin with. I know parts of me. But other parts of me are gone. Dead. Lost. Different. Forgotten.

I don’t make sense to anyone.. not even to myself. I just can’t get it together.

I guess that sounds a bit mentally disturbed.. in a way, maybe it is—but not in the way that you may think—I mean.. I am not going insane or anything—I’m just a bit overwhelmed, and confused at the moment. Ya know? Maybe not. But I think I am beginning to. And perhaps that’s a start.

People I care about are going through terrible tragic things in their life. Things that no one should ever ever ever have to face in this lifetime. Things that will change who they are forever. It kills me to know this. And I do mean.. to know this. I can only pray that God will heal them and preserve their strength, and let them stay the wonderful people that they are. Then… at the same time--- as my heart breaks for them… as my old wounds are ripped open… I can only feel helpless and selfish. No matter what I try to say—it comes out wrong. Or not at all. Or I try to use myself as an example--- which makes it seem like I am making it about me… when that is not what I am doing at all. Not intentionally at least.

I wonder , how can this happen to someone I know. How can this happen to someone I love. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle the thought of what this is capable of doing to a person, a family. What it IS doing already to so many involved. And I hate that I can’t help.

Everything I said that would be thought and felt—and said—has been. It’s just cruel. And, Again, I find myself angry. I find myself angry at God ..again. and I haven’t been there in a long time. I’m just So damn angry that I can’t stand being in my own skin. Again.

So what do I do? I do/did just exactly what I said OTHER people would do. I became one of the people that said all the wrong things. Moments after I said that people would say stupid things that would be hurtful. Ugh. What an ass.

Ok, so anyhow—enough of that—

want to know where I am? Care to know where my soul searching has led me to this time?

This morning, as I found myself crying for about the tenth day in a row—and putting toothpaste in my hand, rather than my toothbrush.. for the second day in a row--- I decided, that I needed to get some stuff worked out. SOON.

I am not going to go into every single detail of my life over the past several weeks or months that brought me here. —some of you already know a lot of it.. a lot has not been mentioned, and doesn’t really need to be. But I will say this much. There is a place that I felt I needed to be that seems at times the only place in the world that makes me whole again when I feel empty. I am not able to go there very often, and, physically, it wasn’t easy to come this time. Actually, emotionally, not so much either.

But come I did.

Even though it worried a few people.. I am sorry for that. (the only people who knew I went were hubby , daughter and Jamie)—

God knows what goes through soulmans mind when I take off and come here alone without telling anyone, but I’ve done it before, and even though I always come home.. that is his only request – “just please come home”. I don’t know what he thinks might keep me from coming home, and I am afraid to ask—so I don’t. but that is all he ever says. “Just come home.”

So anyhow--- here’s the deal-

I am in Arkansas. This is where my son is buried, and a marker for my other son is placed beside him.

(my mother, brother, and many other relatives are buried here as well.) but , the reason I came is because I needed to clear some things up in my mind.

And my heart as well, I suppose.

I also decided that I wanted to bring some of my Midnights ashes to bury here with my boys. I saved some at home for the lake idea.. we will still do that.

So anyhow.. I’ll add more—when I know more…

As for now—it was a tough drive.. tearful, and painful..and y’all know me.. I got lost! For an hour—but I found it. same motel I’ve come to since I buried my son in 1989. I like it here.

I will see y’all soon

me

this is a creek that runs behind the motel
i stayed at
i fished a little in the morning, but it began to rain, so i left.
no fishies for me. only some rocks .
pretty though isn't it. the water is so clear!


these are some horses out on one of the dirt roads,

on the way to the cemetary.

pretty huh?


left to right--

my brother, my son patrick.. 10-88 to 3-89, jacob.. 1996.

and now, in front of jacob.. lies (part of) Midnight.



this isn't meant to make anybody sad... this was something i had to do.. and really, it helped me sort a lot of things out in my mind.


21 comments:

The Real Mother Hen said...

I'm bad at words. So I want to give you a hug.
*hug*

SOUL said...

i'm bad at words too---
so i'll just hug ya back!
how's that
+HUG+

Mary said...

I'm bad at words, too. Soul, I understand the place where you find yourself. Remember, I've been in much the same place you are now. It has been many years since 1974 and there are still days when I re-live and grieve all over again. I wish I was better with words - I do try but always seem to fail. I just want you to know that I understand, I care, and that you have my prayers.

Jessica said...

Soul-
Knowing you needed to do something, to deal with things, to visit the past---that's not an easy thing. You should take credit for facing it all, for ripping off the bandaid and trying to heal.

Keep writing, Soul. Not just the blog. Don't write for your readers. Write for yourself, for those you love and those you've lost. It doesn't matter where the words go, in a notebook, in the trash, sometimes I think they just need to get out.

And you're not bad at words. Not bad at all.

Rebecca said...

Sometimes words are not what is necessary. Hugs say way more than words ever could...so consider yourself well hugged.

I don't think Soulman is worried that you won't come home per se. He wants to make sure you can make it back to him from the place in your heart and head that you're at. Maybe this road trip is what you need to do that. Grief can be a deep dark hole to get lost in....keep casting lines, Soul, no matter how you do it. Soulman, Soulkid and the rest of us will catch them and help pull you up.

xo
r.

Rebecca said...

Sometimes words are not what is necessary. Hugs say way more than words ever could...so consider yourself well hugged.

I don't think Soulman is worried that you won't come home per se. He wants to make sure you can make it back to him from the place in your heart and head that you're at. Maybe this road trip is what you need to do that. Grief can be a deep dark hole to get lost in....keep casting lines, Soul, no matter how you do it. Soulman, Soulkid and the rest of us will catch them and help pull you up.

xo
r.

The Real Mother Hen said...

I do care about you Soul.
A lot.

Mark said...

Good to hear from you. Thanks for sharing so much.

Angie Weid said...

Do what you gotta do!
I'll be here waiting to hear back from you when you're ready. When you need a chuckle, think of grippy toes and nimrod.

Peace Baby!!

Anonymous said...

***hugs**** gs....****hugs****

Jamie said...

That's a beautiful place, and I'm happy that you find peace and answers there. Someday maybe, I will see it. Please don't let what is happening HERE, put you THERE. I'm afraid I wouldn't find the same peace and answers that you do.

We will go on, we will be alright, we will never be the same, but we WILL be alright. I am strong, I will see to it that Janelle is okay. There is no way I can take the hurt from her, but you can believe that there are alot of ways that I can insure that she will be be okay. Believe me. Her head and heart are on the right track. So, what about you? What about your head and heart? How can I help you? I know this has been discussed before, but I want to tell you again how sorry I am that all of this has to hurt you this way. Again, you know how I feel. I only want the best for you.

xo

I'll talk to you in the morning. :)

Oldy said...

I KNEW that's where you were! I almost emailed yer hubby to ask, but I didn't have the eyesight or the strength .

Glad you are OK, right? Check?

I am sure that everyone will be ok.
We don't all have the same past (or the same wounds) So , like Jamie said , everyone will be OK.

I hope your trip was therapeutic for you.
I was wondering if you would call me and say you were there. I'd of driven up there. But ,in this case , I would have been flat in bed. ack!

Well, my gross cambells soup awaits....gah...I need aunt ettas chicken and dumplings.

love me

Summer said...

I'm sorry you're having a bad time. Be careful driving home. We all love you.

Blur Ting said...

Hi Soul, I hope you feel better now. I know you've been feeling so sad. Maybe after Midnight left, the old feelings all came back to you again and it's just overwhelming. Do what you have to so that you can overcome your grief. Do continue to write as writing provides a great form of release for you. You have a group of readers who cares about you and loves reading about your thoughts.

But like what Foster says, just continue writing, for yourself.

*Hug*

WaterLearner said...

I am here hoping that my mere presence could give you that little bit of strength.

In fact, reading all the comments here, there are many hugs and well wishes surrounding you at this difficult time.

Life and Death comes, unfortunately, as a package offer. You get one, the other one comes together. Maybe not now, maybe not later, but surely will.

Low moments in life are hard to bear. But it is precisely at such times that ones instincts are sharpened and the difficult situations can even at times trigger some unknown potential deep inside us.

I have written too much.

Here's a hug. You are not alone.

EE said...

Soul-
No words for you...only hugs (and lots of them)!

Oldy said...

are you home???

CRUSTY MOM-E said...

you are in my prayers, meee dear!
sincerely,
Elizabeth

Anonymous said...

You loved Midnight so much, it's good to put ashes to rest there. I like the idea. Beautiful creek bed and country grave.

Golden To Silver Val said...

For once I'm speechless....I send you big hugs and thank you for sharing this with us. We DO all love you.

Portia said...

I'm sorry I haven't been around. Like you though, I am trying to move forward and not make everything about myself.
I'm glad you went.
I hope things continue to sort out.