Saturday, April 4, 2009

she's headed for a new life

yesterday was my last day of group therapy.
i think i just may miss it some.
it gave me a reason to wake up-- a place to go-- real live people to interact with- -- and a place to say things that i wouldn't be judged for.
yes. i'll miss that.

2- the day also started out as quite a SOAB. i think it was like 6 a.m when i was bombarded with how important it is for me to sleep at night. so much was out of character in that "conversation" that it blew me away. 17 years, ya live with a person, and most of it is disregarded and placed on ya (me)-- as a character flaw-- or a behavioral problem.
needless to say-- the conversation did not go well.. in fact--it was crap.
thank GOD, we both had places to go. (yes, i speak of the huby and i.)
haha-- "the keeper, that almost got tossed back!)

3- i saw my shrink also-- i told her of the lack of NEED of sleep. about the "discussion" soulman and i had that a.m. - and told her-- i am runnin out of choices-- i can drink.. overdose on sleep meds--JUST to sleep people -- OR she could give me something else.
drinking sounded pretty good-- but she didn't think so :))
so-- the end result? horse pills ! ... big as a grape! a sleepin pill i've never heard of-- much less been offered. i have to take two , because i have a tolerance level of king kong--but it worked!! not sure when i laid down-- before nine i think-- i woke up at like 730. that's one for the record books.

4- after i saw her i was officially discharged from group--said ola to the gals i got to know--and the rest, just to be cordial. i do wish them all the best-- it's hard not to be concerned about folks when you hear the stuff they say in there.

5-- then, it was off to the orthopedic surgeon. that part made me a bit nervous. this shit has been goin on for far too long with my back. and with nothing showing up on all the mri's and xrays-and other stupid tests-- and little to no releief from the pain.. i just didn't know what to expect from him.
and wouldn't ya know it--i got lost-- and couldn't find the place. i was sooo frickin tired yeaterday, from no sleep i thought i'd die. i kept falling asleep in between times he would be in the room with me and go out for something.
anyhow-- more xrays. i didn't think muscles showed up on xrays-- but he must have a superman machine. he could see the muscles that were spasmed, and messed up--- but of course he also--- didn't xray the right part. the worst part i should say, which is the scapula area.
but he referred me for a mri-- pain management-- and then i will be having more shots in my NECK. owwwwwww.
he gave me a shot too--and it hurt. just so ya know. i usually take shots pretty good. cept the botox shots in my back a few months ago hurt like a bitch.
then after all this is done.. surgery might be an option. i heard him on his machine-- what do they call that-- where they record their notes? he said possible torn ligaments== just like neuro guessed. i am not lookin forward to surgery-- but if it helps--- i will take it in a heartbeat.
i'm just sure that the constant --or near constant pain, is contributing to the sleep and depression problems. so hey-- i'm game. just get it over with.

ok..enough about me.

soulkid starts school tomorrow. it's back to the one that's onlyu like half a day-- 830-2... but i feel good about it-and so does she. i will have to drive her-- but i have several appointments lined up-- so for the first few weeks it won't be so bad. i just hope it helps her-- she is in real danger of failing the ninth grade. mostly because she has had so many (med probs and missed school)-- but she also screwed around waaaaay too much.
so, go her. she better get serious, and bust a move.

last night she spent the night with a friend. the lack of trust there even crept into my dreams...but the girl she went with had been in treatment with her--goes to meetings with her--and also seems serious about staying clean. i hope it is all on the up and up. no one can lie like a teenage girl. or two. ugh.

as for the hubster and i-- it's smoothed out now. i think. still a bit of animosity.. feeling attacked over something I cannot control.. but i get over stuff ok. sometimes.

so--- that's just about that.
for now-- y';all are update on the goings on in the soul crib.

some stuff comin up in the near future-- but that can wait til next time.

be happy in your worlds today-
i think i'll just stay busy.