Wednesday, April 29, 2009

here ya go-- my almost four days of vacation hell

surely none of us expected any more than that??

i was gonna put it out a day or two at a time, but it's really not all that much --- so here it is.....


well, howdy folks-- hope y'all had good days today. mine was rather -- well, hectic i guess would fit. i know i shouldn't complain. afterall i am on "vacation." right. but you may have forgotten.. i am also ME.

i'm not quite sure where to begin. at the beginning-- when i woke up. or at the end-- going to bed-- now. hmmm. that is the burning question.

i could start with last night. soulkids new sweetie was over for the evening to spend time with her before she would be gone for a week. they hung out for --an eternity--and he ate with us etc. he even played guitar for us. what a guy eh? but ya wanna know what else he did? he reminded us that this coming week is "TAKS TESTS" ! that would be hell week for every student and parent in texas-- just in case you didn't know. the TAKS test is a test that carries the stress almost like that of the damn SAT. i have hated it ever since we moved to texas. EIGHT years ago. and i don't even take the damn thing. it changes peoples lives. parents and kids alike.

did you buy airline and disney tickets for summer? hmmm, well guess what--- you can kiss that money goodbye-- cuz your kid has failed the TAKS test and has to go to summer school. if they don't go they fail the year. oh , and as an added bonus? you get to PAY 200.00 bucks for them to go. if they don't pass the re-take in summer school? they still fail the year. all because of this great test. so don't dare miss it--- and don't even think about failing it. you will never forget the horror of it all. none of you will. pass- or - fail. it's test-hell.

so anyhow-- yep-- TAKS is like tuesday and wednesday or tuesday and thursday or some shit like that. i just figured we'd call this whole "vacation" thing off and just stay home. hubby would have none of that tho. he knew i've been wanting to come out here for a long time, and he was gonna make it happen. so the days of the tests-- he's gonna take her to school.
ugh. that's a lot of drivin. 2 and a half hours each way. i hope to GOD i don't have to do it.

tuesday she has aftercare--- so he's gonna get the boat runnin, and they'll stay all night at the house. i'm gonna stay here with the dawgs. little creepy, yes, but i'm a big girl, i can handle it.

so. now that i've found my starting point. i have also found my stopping point.
i'm whooped, and really have to go to bed. i'll write more in the mornin when i smoke and choke.
for now--- goo-night all.
hope everyone had a happy saturday.



mornin peoples--
well, i thought i was just gonna start where i left off , and add a few fill ins from friday etc. but i think i'll start from this morning and then add the fill ins etc. the story just wouldn't be the same without the mornings added R& R now, would it?

so. picture it, sicili, 1937. oh wait. wrong story.
ok, how bout : 420 somethin pounds of us in a bed made for 200 somethin pounds of someone else. let's just say i woke up feelin run over by a train, and hubby got the caboose ! we just don't do little beds. i forgot this place had a double bed. we have a king at home, and the last few times we've come here-- well, it's been to one of the condos-- and they have kings. umm.. not here. it's a double--- and it's just almost funny-- if it didn't hurt so bad.

well, i woke up with hubby gettin back in bed after gettin a drink of water--- there's no not wakin up someome in that bed. it was still kinda dark, so i asked him what time it was--- it was 630 ish----so i just got up. then he got up a little bit later.
kinda my fault-- well, i'll blame eevee. ya , that's it. :))

i go into the kitchen to make coffee.

i didn't turn on any lights yet.. cuz there's a loft--and soulkid did end up bringin a friend, since they have to go to school for the TAKS - so i didn't wanna wake em up. so there i go waltzin into the kitchen...gonna turn on a small light over the sink, and get some coffee goin, and take the dogs out. BUT--- i'm stopped in my own shcleprock tracks! unable to see, or find a light switch. but on the floor is two "puddles". dark--thick "puddles". actually-- it looks like puddles of blood in the dim morning light. so i ask hubby ... where the hell is a light switch, and what is this on the floor????
he finally comes out there and turns on the light.
wanna know what it is ?? it's dog poop ! eevee dog runs. lovely. almost more fun than how i was woke up yesterday. UGH.

but-- i'm falling asleep-- damn i'm exciting-- guess we're goin fishin.
i'll be back--with the rest of the story.
ok-- i'm back-- but not for long-- just long enough to whine. you're surely used to that by now right?

anyhow-- hubby caught a fish.. a nice one, not huge-- maybe a pound or so. but it was a fish. wanna know what i caught? notadamnthing. WTH? i hope we get to get the boat out here. it'll at least give me a little edge. i think. there's a lot of grass in there -- and i caught lots of that-- but nothin breathin.

so-- lemmee tell ya how i got woke up this mornin , then i'm gonna go--

i was sleepin. obviously. but i was realllly sleepin. i was even dreaming. then i hear my kid yellin thru the house--- "moooooom! i'm hungry! come fix breakfast!" mind you-- she hasn't done that since she was like 7 !!! ugh. i go stumblin out there to yell at her. she knows how to feed herself-- trust me. soon as i go out there -- what do i see? sushi. runnin out of the kitchen, at lightning speed with some kinda meat in her mouth , she drops it, snatches it right back up before i can take it away, and she runs into her cage. this dog could win a marathon if she had someone chasing her for somethin she knew she wasn't sposed to have! the little shit dog. (she did it once with a jalepino pepper that got dropped on the floor -- we just laughed at the consequences she would face for thet one! ) well, i wasn't about to get my aching body on the floor and crawl into her tiny crate to find out what she had--- so i just vacuumed the floor where she dropped it and made a big ole mess. man she's like havin another kid.

oh. did i fix somethin for my kid to eat? hell no. but her dad took her and her friend to burger king after we got on the road. but that's fine with me.. i got to drive all by myself..all the way out ther---with my own music, and no fighting...the whole way. remember what a fiasco last time was?? OMG we faught the entire time. i was almost in tears when we got here. i almost threw her out of the car. we didn't have phone service or i woulda called her dad and put her in his truck with him. it was a horrible drive. so at least the ride was was was nice.

so anyhow i spose that's about it for now..
exciting i know... it gets worse with age -- so hold on to yer butt :))
catchya later.

hope your kids and dogs have been good today :))



well hello again. i reckon unless i decide to post this thing in pieces, - which i prolly won't --- you won't have had time to miss me huh? well, i left for almost an hour and you didn't even know it.

just leave it to me to get distracted after "hello". la la la.

i'm a loser baby, so why don't ya kill me.
that's a song by the way-- just for anyone who may not know. it's one of those ones that pops into my head sometimes for no reason really.
kinda like....
i'm on a mex- i - can- whooo-oaaaa ra-di-oooo.
that is a really stupid one, but i kinda like it.

i guess my taste in music is sometimes like that of my taste in movies. i'm one of the few who just might put napolean dynamite in my top fifteen. or maybe even "attack of the killer tomatoes". haha. actually i'm not too sure about that one. i've only seen it once, and that was like over thirty somethin years ago. and i'm one that does watch a lottttt of movies.

------ why in the world does this thing NOT have spell check? i'll be in a world of hurt if spell check doesn't catch all these errors when i transfer this to my blog. i swear i used to spell better. proof of my age maybe?

so, like i said-- i am all over the place with this thing. my mind is a flutter-- with clutter. :))

maybe i've just been alone too long?

i'm just feelin a little strange right now i think. i mentioned the girls had the dreaded TAKS tests this week.... well... even though we didn't think the first one was til tuesday-- the other girl wasn't allowed to miss school today. which was prolly best for our kid too. but that meant everyone gettin up at 230 a.m. -- the primping hours--- so that they could leave by 5.

they made it out on time-- which is good. even though both girls dragged their asses.
i thought, after they left, maybe i'd go back to bed. riiiiight'. that wasn't gonna happen. i'll be lucky if i sleep at all the whole time they're gone. ugh. after they left, what did i do? well, obviously, i started writing this. but i only got like two lines in, before i was all wired up. so i got up and made more coffee. realizing i had enough left after that one--- for ONE more pot. peachy. i coulda sworn that can was almost full when i packed it. guess not.
while i was up--- i ended up goin on a cleaning frenzy. and of course these places always have the cheapest, crapiest, leakinest coffee pots you could possibly use. so i had that mess to deal with.
it's a small place and didn't take long to straighten up. so when i finished i came back to this, and really didn't have a direction to go in. so i guess i'm goin in every direction. like the wind is blowin right now.
i checked the weather before we left home--- it said it would prolly rain some for a couple days---- did it mention wind?????
ummmm, of course not--- so here i am, listenin to the wind rip the trees down. not really. but it is a-blowin. more like gusting. it'll be quiet for a while-- then it'll just blow like hell out of no where , knockin crap out of the trees-onto the tin roof-- sounds much worse than it prolly is.. i hate the wind. i think i may have mentioned that a time or two ??? (but i do like tin roofs)

well anyhow, not only does the wind and weather ruin any chance of me goin fishin... well... i just don't like wind. i hate it. fishin or not. i despise wind.
but-- that's one good thing about hubby takin eevee back home with him. i told him last night i didn't want to deal with two dogs here by myself. eevee is surely the better protector... she would rip someones face off if they broke in or somethin... sushi might try-- but she couldn't get past the ankl with a ladder :))-

anyways , eevee is so afraid of storms and bad weather, she would be freakin out right now-- especially if there is thunder.
sushi is much less hassle. she's better house trained--asks to go out, and she sleeps with me. also, as for eevee--- well--- she got a hold of a brisket (that was the meet sushi had too) the night before we came out here-- or the morning of. hubby left the "something" opened on the big green egg... which made the temp like over 500 degrees-- so the brisket was pretty much an asteroid by the time he took it off of there. plus the rub he used on it was like "set your tongue on fire hottt." well , he left it on the counter overnight--- eevee pulled it off the counter--- and ate it. surely at the speed of sound so she wouldn't get caught. she prolly had no idea how hot that meat was til it gone--by then it was was too late. :)) YUM. she was also kind enough to share with sushi, and left a chunk on the floor. so for the last two days and nights we have been dealin with the doggie trots. LOL. eevee, has gone inside the cabin a few times... luckily hubby claims her as his i didn't have to clean that up. sushi has had the same problem. but she goes outside--- good girl. :))
poor babies prolly need some tucks or preparation H. but i think the worst is over. anyhow. if not--- i only have sushi to deal with.

so, here i am, out in the sticks-- no phone, no internet, no family, --- just lil ole me, and lil ole shitzi.
whatever will we do with ourselves for two entire days?

it was like pullin teeth to get soulkid to leave her camera here with me. i couldn't find mine when we left the house ... so i figured i could at least take pictures to entertain myself. man, she had a spazz fit. but she left it. -- wow i just got the weirdest feelin of de ja vu when i wrote that. (and the chills go up my spine) weird.

it really is nice out here tho guys, and i will get some pics today--- if it doesn't rain.
i'm supposed to do pix of "metal" for the photo challenge. i passed all kindsa cool stuff that if i woulda had my camera in the car i coulda got pix of drivin out here.
it's real country-fied out out here -- i woulda been a picture takin fool.

a lot of you know how i get lost all the time-- so my only fear of goin back that way today , alone for pix, is getin lost and not findin my way back. ugh. but if i can muster the mojo to risk it i just may do that. but hell-- i get lost with my GPS. ugh. who does that??? only ME i reckon.

but there's old barns, old tin roofs, old metal tractors, rusty rusty rusty horse trailers; i don't know what all i saw - but i would be thinkin -- ooooh that'd be a cool pic. but it was only a missed photo op without my camera. leave it to me and my senile.

then both nights we've been here, so far i have seen two raccoons - without a camera. and of course ducks, and birds, and a hawk. not to mention just the scenery. last night hubby let the girls drive my car-- i couldn't handle the stress of it--so i didn't go with them. but they saw a "herd?" of deer--- right where we had been fishing half an hour earlier. did they take pix? ummmm NO. fuddy duddys.

well, i guess that's enough for now. i'm sure i'll be writin more later. about what? i have no clue. but i'll surely think of something.

i wonder if this havin to stay out here alone is my test-- or perhaps punishment-- for always sayin i wanna run away-- or live alone??? here's my opportunity to see how much i would like or hate it. ya sure can't get much more alone than this.


4/27/2009 6:43:57


8:31:51 PM

i have no clue why i'm writing in caps, but i aint changin it now. anyhow, there were thunderstorm and tornado warnings all day long. so i don't guess you have to wonder if i went anywhere or did anything today. cuz i didn't. i packed some stuff. i walked sushi a few times. i took a few pictures--- of sushi. played solitaire on the computer, and i took a long nap. i ate--- cereal, and fruit. ooooh how healthy-- and fattening. there was stuff here i coulda cooked, but why bother when it was just me right?

so anyhow, after i saw the news , and the weather---and found out from hubby that the freakin tests at school aren't only two days--- but tuesday thru friday--- i decided to go home tomorrow. whattabunchacrap.
i shoulda followed my gut and called it off at first when i heard they were testing in the first place. now hubby and soulkid are home already-- and i'm out here-- with a bunch of crap to pack and haul home, including like 15 rods and reels that prolly aren't even gonna fit in my car. it's gonna be real fun figurin that out. UGH.

it was a relaxing day kinda, regardless. but i couldn't not think about how everything got so messed up. if the weather wasn't so bad today i may have just gone home today. hopefully it won't be this bad tomorrow.

wednesday is my birthday. not that it means much anymore--but really-- i don't want to spend it driving--or out here alone. ugh.
this kinda shit really only happens to me... i'm tellin ya.
if i got paid for every time somethin got screwed up-- at the last second i'd be rich. i swear, it happens all the time.

well.. i guess i just needed to vent.
i'll be back.


griswolds family vacation
final fourth day
4/28/2009/ 9:06:41 AM

ola peoples--- happy tuesday to ya. whaddup?
here? packin. well, actually i'm drinkin coffee and takin a break. (from packin).
i'm tiahd too. i couldn't sleep last night. i kinda expected that to happen. hubby used to be the one who couldn't sleep when i was gone somewhere... now it's me. i reckon i'm gettin a bit more needy in my old age??

somethin that i couldn't get out out of my head last night/ or yesterday/ whatever? i kept thinkin... " what if i have a seizure out here all by myself?"... what if i have another embolism, and no one knows it?"... i don't worry so much about the bad guy like my sis does. she's afraid of someone breaking in and hurtin her...or killin her. she has this "bad guy with a knife thing". but i guess she spends a lot more time alone than me --- and she is also in better health than i am. so that's about the only fear she could have bein alone. hell, i don't know.

anyhow. i didn't get to sleep til like two a.m. - and i woke up at 6. i didn't even finish one cup of coffee before i was packin. i couldn't really just sit still, i just wanted to get outta here. last night when i couldn't get to sleep i kept thinkin.. "if i could drive at night i'd just go home now. but-- not really a good a good idea-- it sucked.
but anyhow, i'd prolly be on the road already this mornin, but i still have to pack all the crap soulkid left--and and clean up her mess. i'm havin a hard time motivating myself to face that task. she has crap everywhere. her room is a loft-- and it is just a mess. if she woulda took it all home, all i'd have to do is load my crap and go. i'm packed. i i finally figured out what to do with the rods and reels-- well ok-- hubby did-- he said to take the reels the reels off -- wrap the rods together, put the reels in a box..and voila-- they should fit-- and guess what? they did. i don't think i woulda thought of that. he's a pretty handy dude dude to have around sond sometimes. i did have to leave my ice chest tho-- no room for it. but i had a "cold bag" that the rest of the fridge food and ice fit in, so that worked out ok.
but ugh. the kids' room i really hate cleanin up after capable people. i know, she thought she was comin back... but even so-- it should have been like that. y'all know-- i'm one of those types who cleans before the maid comes.

anyhow, hubby called a while ago. he said dallas/ fort worth weather is lookin rather crappy. foggy etc. it looks nice here. sunny, warm. i'd be fishin if i wasn't goin home.

home. that sounds pretty good right about now. the drive doesn't. my back hurts, and is on fire. i'm sure it will be worse after i haul and load all this shit to the car. but i'm ready to go.

they say "home is where ya hang your hat". well, ya know what? my hat has been hangin here for four days--- and it just aint home.
so i reckon "home is where your family is"
as much as i bitch and moan about them... i think i would be lost without them. they are my heart, mind, body and soul. every thing i do - i do for them. every thing i think is for or about them. every plan i make involves them. it's always been that way.

i love them.
so i spose i better finish packin and go "home" and see them. ya reckon?

ps-- i miss y'all too.
so-- i shall be talkin to y'all soon too.

hope you all are happy in your worlds today!
i will be , as soon as i walk into my messy house :))


welp--- i obviously am home-- and alive-- and in pain.
and i am right where i belong.
i missed y'all.

and i am soooo glad i didn't have to hand-write this like the first time. my hand hurt for days! :))

Friday, April 24, 2009

oh hell.. i thought i updated this thing...guess not. oops

not much new goin on anyhow. just busy. hubby fixed the garbage disposal-- in like ten seconds. doing exactly what i was doing when i tried to fix it. figures. i remembered my mom always stickin a broom handle in there when it wouldn't work.. so i stuck a "thing " he uses when he grills meat in it. nuthin happened. he got home, he did it-- it worked. oh well. by then it was almost dinner time-- and i didn't bother washin dishes that late. american idol takes precedence you know.

i did wash em after i got back from takin the kid to school this mornin though. bout time too i say. it was gettin pretty bad in there. how it happens i just don't know. it just does. it really seems i turn around to find a disaster. it's crazy. i'm just busy all the time. i run from one doctor to another almost daily. and that crap just wears me down. why i can't ust see ONE doctor is beyond me. i have like FIVE-- or more. and they're spread out all over the place. how i keep em straight is beyond me. all i know is that i'm sick to hell of it. if pain wasn't involved-- well.. that or the threat of seizures or hospitalization... i'd stop goin to any of them alltogether.
i swear i know as much as any of them do. several of them even take my suggestions on meds or directions to go in on diagnosis ideas. it just gets so frustrating sometimes. especially the other day when my neurologist told me he "didn't think the epideral steroid shots were going to help". i could just scream. this is my time and money-- not to mention hope--and added pain we're talkin about. all just for naught .
why won't someone just tell me that i have some kind of bull shit pain that isn't ever gonna get better-- do somthing to at least ease it a bit--- and let me shed three or four doctors?? hmm?
it's crap i say.

wanna know what's not crap?
we're goin out of town for a whole week tomorrow! woo hoo. it does me good to get away from here. the dogs have to go with us-- but the cats don't. (this is me doin the happy dance !!!!!) ahhhhh.... just the peace of NOT listening to them scratch up my furniture is pure heaven!
i'm not sure if we've ever left them this long-- but if we haven't we've come close. they do pretty good without us. lotsa litter, lotsa food, lotsa water--- cover up the furniture...and close all the doors so they don't get locked away from the food and water and litter.... yes , they are that stupid. other than that- they're fine. we worry-- but not constantly-- like some people i know.. hahahahah (oh , sorry , she knows who she is-- and yes-- it's that funny)

we don't know yet if we're takin the boat with us or not. i have a feeling-- not. it's a lot of work, and it needs batteries, and this time the kid can't take a friend cuz of school-- and we won't want to leave her alone there all day while we fish. so it'll be a big hassle just to haul it out there and not use it. so i'm thinkin we won't be takin it. there's a few places to fish from the bank.
so that's prolly what'll happen.

that, and dvd's, and board games. and cards. annd putt putt golf. :))
perhaps some pen bloggin. cuz it's out in the sticks, and no phone or internet out there.
i don't care much about that tho-- cuz y'all know what else that means right? NO XBOX-LIVE bwa haHAHAHAH
oh, that's kinda mean of me isn't it? sorry.
no i'm not.

well, i must get up and get packin. or would that be crackin?

happy weekend peoples!

Thursday, April 23, 2009


i've already driven to dallas .. ya i know..UGH, is right. and BACK.. too. double ugh. then in between i was able to spend THREE hours at the veterans hospital... most of it waiting-- something you all know i LOVE. but something i love even more? thirty minutes or so of it... guess what else i got to do???? i got to get my boobies smooshed !!! oh the glory of it ALL.
i just cant put into words how wonderful this day has been.
and to make it better? i got to go straight from there, under the duress of just knowing i would be late to pick up my kid from school. (i wasn't, so that was good. but only for her-- cuz she was a little turd to me... for absolutely NO reason. ahhh the joys of parenthood)
but anyhow--- now as i sit here, with my back on fire, i watch the minutes tick away, and agonize over the fact that in only ten minutes, i must go back out and face the masses to see yet another dr. this time to be stuck with a needle. fun stuff i say. woo hoo. if i drank, i'd certainly be plannin somethin big tonight. a big bottle i mean. nothin that involved people or anything. i have dealt with enough people for one day to last me six months. and i'm not even done yet. icky !!

well, i gotta get ready to head out... i'll try to cruise around later on. i slept late this mornin and didn't even get a chance to turn this thing on. so i shall catch ya later.

thanks for the advice on the hardrive-- but it had to get sent back to dell. as for videos bein on here-- some are-- and i may be able to copy them or something-- but i had several from my camera on just my puter program thing. they are gone forever-- i'm guessing.


welp-- anyhow-- hope y'all are havin happy thursdays and not hangin out in hospitals or gettin your boobies smooshed...or bein yelled at by your chillins.

someone should come take me somewhere--- far far away. :))
or meet me half way at least.

i must go

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

i was born a poor black child -

hiya peeps! i'm back. i'm whole again. my puter is fixed !!! woo hoo. i'm me again. yipee. it's so weird to lose my puter when it has become my morning routing for so long. business and pleasure. it's just a major part of my day.
imajine my horror when it crashed for no known reason. i purposely avoid stupid sites and never open email from people i don't know-- especiallay with attatchments. even that didn't help. all i can think of is some simple tv show -- or stupid facebook and its SPAM did it. i didn't even open their spam. i did open a few to " unsubscribe". maybe that did it. hellif i know. i only know i'm pissed. i'm just glad it didnt' cost me nuthin. and that hubby knows how to fix stuff. he is pretty handy to have around. :)) he can fix just about anything. once ya get the cattle prod out hahahahahah just kiddin. kinda.

anyhow. not havin a computer was actually kinda helpful for me for a couple day. i got a little bit of mor importanant things done. i have been workin on my crdit report stuff. disputes and things. i have overpaid some accounts on there. i thought so. but now i can prove it. i hope it helps. but there are still a few that need paid down..or off. ugh.

we should have been working on this crap months ago-- not at the deadline. why do we do this to ourselves???? we do it every time. mid-forties and we still have the maturity of children when it comes to finances. we learned from the best tho--- ugh.

so anyhow-- i woke to a sick child. sick being -- sick in the age of -- i'll die if i have a sore throat.
when i was a kid--- you went to school unless you puking, poopin, or on fire !!! not now. try to send a kid to school with sore throat or a runny nose -- they actually send them home. we are raising a generation of babies. i can't believe it. and i am one that irritated at whimpy sick people.
if you aint pukin, or cryin in agony , get UP and do what you gotta do. if you can sit at the desk here-- you can sit at a desk at school or work dammit!
unless your me, of course. bwa hahaha. if you're me, that's different. i have other ailments that make me sicker than you. so i'm get special treatment. :)) of course you know that's NOT true -- i never get special treatment. everyone hates me. you know. i'm notallowed to besick either.
so get up and get busy dammit.

anyhow-- back to my computer--- can i whine for a minute? ALL my pictures-- and writings are whiped OUT. gone. capoot. (did i spell that right?) anyhow. it's all gone. stories, poems, photos. fish. everything. never to return. i'm devastated. i have two words for you people--- BACK-UP. ok four words-- BACK- UP- YOUR-CRAP. you never know when your computer when crap on you. save yo stuff. cuz you'll never get it back.

this is not the first time this has happened to me, and God knows i shoulda known better. but it's gone anyhow.

LOSS. my middle name.
get over it. my last name
bitch-- my first name? hahaha
pms.. my "whatchacallit." like jr. or the 2nd. etc.

so, anyhow-- i have stuff to do-- i have a teefers cleaning at 10... 40 minutes away. i'm a creature of habit so i still go to my dintist i had way back when , but he's cute and worth the drive. :)) i shall catch y'all later

happy humpday my friends

Monday, April 20, 2009

i'm computerless

yep, she finally crashed.
i need a new hard drive.
do i blame facebook? and all the SPAM?
i wonder.
i get thirty unwanted emails a day ever since i signed up for that crap.
anyhow, i think it was friday or saturday night,
i was watchin a tv show, online,
and fell asleep.
i woke up---
everyones woerst nightmare when it comes to computers.
well, it wouldn't go away.
hubby called dell for troubleshooting, and they told him i was screwd.
just dandy.
luckily i am under warranty, and a new hard drive is on z way.
hubby can install it.
so. i should be up and runnin in a day or two.
just wanted to check in and let y'all know why ya haven't seen me much.
i'll be buggin ya again soon enough.
be happy for now-- i'll make ya miserable again prolly by wednesday!
if ya wanna talk to me
you can do that here--
i'll check it when i can.

Friday, April 17, 2009

i thought i died, but i'm just not that lucky --

man, what a crappy day. from start to finish.. well, almost finish. it's goin on 9, and i'm about to hit the sack. at least to read for a while, til i pass out. ugh. a couple hours ago i was freezin, so i turned on the heat-- now i have my laptop on my lap-- and it's puttin out heat like you wouldn't believe-- i think i may be near well done by now. ugh. i am in my office with the back door open, and i'm still hot. but am still too lazy to go to the back of the house to shut the heat off. i guess one good thing is hubby and the hell cats just got home.. he is gonna turn on the air conditioner for a while. (the hell cats being soulkid and a couple friends who are spendin the night. oooh thrill me.) NOT.

yesterday i saw my neurologist-- he wrote me a rx for my pain meds-- so i wouldn't have to wait til monday to have the pharmacy FAX the refill to his office-- then wait one to three days for the refill-- while i was already on the verge of out. i was pretty happy about about that. i dropped it off to be filled today. and ya know-- it's cuz i'm i'm ME, but when i went to pick it up -- they told me he had failed to sign it !!! so they couldn't fill it til they talked to him..or the office. i called back like three hours later-- to see if they talked to him... ummmm, NO. by then the office was closed --- for the weekend! i'm so pissed. i know it's just a couple days-- but this shit just chaps my hide. my back is really hurtin lately , and he knows it-- how the hell could he forget to sign a friggin script?
well, at least i have muscle relaxers. better than nuthin.

we also had rain and storms off and on allll day long. that was real fun. i had stuff i had to go out and do. i had stuff to do here too. and i guess i don't have to tell ya-- not much of any of it actually got done. not chores, laundry, bills, shopping... none of it. and you already know my rx's didn't getr picked up. i had another one to be picked up at another pharmacy-- but i said screw it. now with my luck..i'll get a migraine in the middle of the night. it was imitrex-- but by then i was just ruined, so didn't go back out.

but , one thing about payday? soulkid keeps track! and i'm a sucker--- so when i picked her up after school... well, i thought i was doing hubby a favor... cuz he had promised her he would take her to the mall for a shirt tomorrow. soooo, when she asked ME to take her---- i said i would. just so he wouldn't have to on his day off. thinkin i was bein nice-- kinda to both of them. well, we get there-- we get her shirt--- ugh. kids are expensive. but it was a cute shirt. but-- she talks me into three other stores--- even after io told her i wasn't walkin all over the place. ugh. but at least i didn't buy anything else. phew-- that was a first. until--- she wanted to eat---- dum-dum-dum. damn she's good. so i did take her to eat. it wasn't to bad. a place we go sometimes. it's usually pretty good. but today---it was crap! and so was the waitress! and we only had salad and split a appetizer plate-- well half of one... we took the other half home-- cuz the waitress didn't bring the ranch dressing, or extra drinks we asked for--- our mouths were kinda pasted shut by then. i was surprised we got the to-go box! ugh. do you even have to ask if i was a hateful bitch by the time we left? i say no. cuz i was. and i was ready for a pain pill, that i couldn't have when i got to the pharmacy! but i was happy to have a few left at home.
incompetance just kills me. ya know it?

soooo--- speaking of incompetance-- i don't think i have mentioned that we may have found a house to buy!! just in time for our move out of this place. BUT -- we both have credit screw ups on our reports. most of the ones on mine are errors. more incompetance. dammit. i have like six collections on there--- and at least four of them are PAID. like three years ago. it just urks me to no end. the other prob on mine is income to debt crap. but i may be able to take care of some of that.
as for hubby-- hmmm... his needs more pay-off crap than mine... but he has less collections. his deal is when we felt rich a couple years ago and haD good credit-- he opened new cards. brilliant huh.
anyhow-- it's a cool place-- and it's runnin like 30 grand lower than it's worth. so we need to boogie and get some stuff taken care of. and see what we can do. before june 30th.
that's a lot of payin and savin and callin and signin... etc. haelp?
i don't know nuthin bout birthin no houses and credit and shit,.

anyhow-- i think that's my day. you wish you were me don't ya?\
i'm still fat and i think i willl go eat some cereal or a salad anyhow. then i'm gonna go read my book.

i shall be around tomorrow---sometime---

happy weekends peoples-

Thursday, April 16, 2009

gloom, despair, and agony on me---

howdy folks---

who can i blame for this pain? i swear it's worse since the shots the other day. it was supposed to get better. it's not. especially in the mornings. ugh. it's depressing. and so is the weight gain. what IS UP with that? i haven't gained weight since summer when everyone was home all the time-- but that came back off. this passed few weeks.. i swear i gain ten pounds a day! i know-- it only feels like it-- but UGH. it's horrible. nothing fits, and i feel awful.

and did i mention my hair? it's driving me crazy. i must get it cut. back to the original too short for short cut. i tried to keep it at median length. i tried for the kinda long-- but that got outta hand. now the this is gettin bad. maybe i'm just a bitch and nothing can satisfy me??? yep. i bet that's it. i'm just a middle aged hag.

oh, and my plans for meeting the girl about the portrait fell thru for today.
it's not a big deal for me though. i don't have the money to give her anyways.
she said it has to do with her work schedule-- but i know she has a major fear of storms, and we are expecting one today. so i think that's it.
but anyhow-- i don't know.
i just kinda wanted to get it over with.
guess we'll meet up next week , cuz it's sposed to rain for a couple days.
(so much for fishin for a while.)

but-- speakin of fishin-- i did manage to catch a fish or two-- without my camera.
a perch--and a pretty decent decent bass.

so-- aside from my bitch list--- there aint much goin on around here .

hubby went back to work this morning.
which is good.
for both of us.
too much time together, just aint that great a thing.
it makes me lazy-ER actually.
him too i think.

he has lost a lot of weight btw. he needs a new belt--and prolly some new pants.
which is a really good thing.
he has needed to lose weight for a long time time. his weight had become a health issue.
he is proud of himself, and so am i.

as for my weight-- y'all know how i feel. ugh.
i went back on topamax the other day when i saw my shrink the other day.
maybe that will help me.
i have no clue what has made me gain so much weight , so fast.
but it bothers me.
i've always had that "self image problem " though
i don't think that's my fault.
y'all can blame my family and peers for that one.
weird how i'd rather look like a dead racoon than
"whatever. "

welp-- i reckon i better get rockin.
gotta take the chillens to school soon.
yep-- soulkid got a break and had a schoolnight sleepover.
i thought it would be a disaster, but they got up and got ready on time.
what a surprise!

catch ya later.

i didn't spend much time online yesterday-- feelin too fat and ill.
i'll try to get around more today.

happy thursday peeps.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

oh what a morning already

i guess goin fishin yesterday wasn't the brightest of ideas. i thought it would help stretch out my back-- and make me feel better. ugh , boy was i wrong!

i feel like i have been stampeded by a herd of longhorn cattle. seriously. i am a little more limber now-- but the bURN is still there. i reckon the shots the other day have not worked. i wonder if they will? the botox didn't several months ago when i tried that. guess i'm just doomed to this crap. but this morning was pretty bad. i could hardly move -- until the meds kicked in. damn shots made me double up -- now i'll be out way too soon. dammit. how they expect thirty pills--- prescribed at on ever 8 hours-- is sposed to last 30 days-- is just beyond me. i'm not good at math-- but i know that is off. ugh.

so anyhow-- thanks everybody for your suggestions on yesterdays post-- i will be meeting up with her tomorrow afternoon to discuss the portrait. and i spose give her some money. i think if i just pay her the fifty-- and not take the frame-- she oughtta be ok. insulted a bit-- but ok. she really is a much better artist than what she has shown us here. i saw her sketch almost daily for weeks. and loved it all--- i think the problem is-- faces. why she accepted this project--if she can't draw faces- is beyond me. but oh well.
just as long as i get my photo back i will be happy.

what else?
oh! we are gonna finally take our "vacation".. we are supposed to go every year for one week--- we have owned this timeshare for like 6 years i think-- and stayed a full week...maybe-- once. we decided it was just time to get the hell outta doge for a while. so we are. hubby had some vacation.. so he took this week off-- in case i would be in too much pain to drive -- the kid to school, and to appointments-- but i have seemed to do ok as far as that goes. but he had more-- it's kinda use it or lose it-- so he is taking that week off too... the last week of the month. i'm ready. i really like it out there. it's near tyler--and also close enough to lake fork to have a day or so out there of some real texas fishin. weather permitting, that is. my ten pounder is waiting for me there-- you know that right...

as for the kid and the seperate weekend trips with each of us-- that is still in the works.
i have no idea what to do in austin-- i'm hoping i can talk her into going somewhere else. just not sure where. somewhere not too far away-- or too expensive.

i still think that she and her dad need to go to NM to see her gramma. (his mom). she hasn't been doing too great lately-- so they need to go. i love her too-- i just will not go to NM. not now-- maybe not ever. ugh.;

i think that's about it for now-- again -- thank you ALL for your input on the portrait-- i was afraid it was just my image in my mind vs her image of what she could see. ya know?
anyhow-- i'll get that worked out tomorrow--and let y'all know how it goes.

happy humpday

i have a full work around the house day today-- what are YOU doin?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

hmmm... i been thinkin it was monday all morning---it's not

no tellin how i get so mixed up. i'm always confused about somethin. i spose i could let myself slide this time though-- seein as yesterday began with a load of versed-- and i slept it off-- a lot.

i slept like crap last night-- awake every hour-- even with my horse pill sleepin pills. which just don't work as well as i thought they would. i was up every hour all night long-- and in pain. even in the bed. ugh. i'd just smoke a cig and read a little til i got tired again. which lasted til about 4 a.m. then i just gave up. it hurt too bad to stay there one more minute--and i knew at that point-- sleep time was over.
so i got up, and took some meds-- they seem to have helped a bit. i think i could drive the child to school and let hubby sleep in. he was up late last night--and is off for the week, so he would probably like that. besides--- maybe if i do that--- he will wash the dishes --- bwa hahahahahaha

ya know how i been bitchin about gettin fat lately? i may have found the problem. well, aside from eating way too much sugar... a med reaction. and not the one i thought it was. i refused to continue on abilify with my shrink-- cuz it was new when i started gaining weight...and craving sugar. but this last couple days i have been researching coumadin/warfarin...the blood thinner. seems LOTS of folks have weight gain, bloating, and other gastro probs on that med... and it takes a few months before it hits. sooooo--- now i'm wonderin if it's not the coumadin that is doin it. i'm almost due to come off of it anyhow. it was sposed to be for 6 months--after the lung clot.-- that was october 20th.
so i'm gettin really close to the six months. and my "numbers" haven't been consistant since they started me on it anyhow. plus i was on prozac when i started--- and there is a reaction between those two--- now i'm on effexor--and it says not to take those two together either. so i think i figured out both the probs-- the weight gain, and never getting a steady reading. by that-- i could never be on a regular dose-- it would range from 3 mg one week then have to go up to 7 or ten the next. all these stupid blood tests only freak me out anyhow. i never ever wanna feel that kinda pain again. if it'sw gonna happen again i'd rather it just be a surprise. and not be thinkin "oh my numbers are bad-- i'm gonna clot-- or bleed to death." cuz it's always too high or too low.
so i say screw it-- and just get my psyche meds straightened out. cuz that's another thing i don't relish--- another stay in the hospital. i had gone like four or five years without havin to go inpatient--- til i was on coumadin-- ugh. i never made the connection.
thank you dr google. i think.
google is always my worst enemy-- or my best friend.
but i'll tell ya somethin-- if i have to go up one more pants size--- i'm gonna get suicidal!
even though-- i haven't had one person agree with me that it's a bad thing that i have gained weight. even soulkid told me i looked ill and needed to gain weight. ugh.
if only these people could spend two minutes in the mirror with me. i know it's most likely a mental misconception of my appearance-- because of how i was treated when i was a fat teenager--- but oh man. it's just awful. i hate it. weather i really am fat or not--- i feel fat--and i look fat. and somethin's gotta give.

ok. what else?
i have gotten myself into a pickle this passed few days. i mentioned that i offered a gal from my group some money to draw a portrait of my son with Jesus--didn't i? pretty sure i did. well... she's been sending -- emailing me her progress. ugh. am i satisfied? ummmm, no. and i don't know what to do about it. jesus is too skinny and the top of his head--isn't even on the page--- and as far as patrick--- ummm... nope. looks nuthin like him. this poor girl is really trying though. she has made many changes that i have suggested--- but it's still not right. not to me. i finally offered her "some" money to just stop where she's at-- and i apologized etc. but she insists she keep trying. i'm sure it's cuz she needs the money. and i hate that i have ignored her for the last day and a half--two days--after her last change. but i just don't think i want it--and sure don't wanna pay 100.00 (framed) for a portrait that isn't what i want and will live behind some other picture i end up puttin in the frame.

like i said-- i don't have many morals left.
i did get a rare chance to chat with jamie this morning-- and y'all know how she is-- the right thing is to pay for it-- and she's right. i know that. but --- ugh---
here-- YOU be the judge. would you hang this on your wall if it was your son..who is dead?

with this jesus

and this patrick?


that came from this photo?

i know-- the photo is washed out and faint--
i don't know where any more are.
in a box --somewhere-

i just don't see "him" in her version.

so--- help me!
what should i do?
i'm sure the thing looks better in person..and she is gonna frame and mat it for me.
100 bucks total.
i have got prices for this before-- at least five times--
without a frame- i never got an estimate lower than 250.00

should i go with my gut-- that says it isn't REALLY what i expected?
or-- go with my heart-- and do the next right thing, and pay her.???

maybe i need to meet up with her and have a look.
hell, i don't know.
healp me.

and have a great day in your worlds today!

Monday, April 13, 2009

the deed is done

now i shall go to bed, before i feel any pain.
i have been home long enough to eat and cruise a little-- now the sedation is wearing off and i don'twanna feel it-- so i'm gonna go to bed and read til i pass out.

i'll be back
happy monday

Sunday, April 12, 2009

easter update --

i know, i've had this pic up before-- but i love it. and aren't so many of us like that? it makes me laugh every time i see it.
i guess what made me think of it was that i was called on my post from this morning. by many. i didn't realize that it was whiney-- it really wasn't meant to be. i was just writin. and what came out stayed there. then as i began to get comments i felt kinda bad. so many others have things goin on too-- and many worse than here i might add.
it's just my nature to complain i think. that and have cry baby attacks. i whine- therefore i am.

so anyhow-- the day did manage to turn out better than i expected. starting with the rain. i shoulda known. the news channel that i watch needs to fire their weatherman. he is always wrong. unless it's an arctic blast-- seems that always happens to be right. but according to him-- we were to have rain and storms alllll day long today. some people even did easter egg hunts last night-- to escape the rain. well... the rain did come-- and go--- during the time i wrote my post this morning. it didn't rain any more the rest of the day. in fact it got pretty warm too. it even crossed my mind to go fishin-- but i was sure it would rain on me-- so i didn't go. thank you weatherman. i'll never trust YOU again.

but-- the lack of rain made soulmans job easier today. the brisket on the smoker--- that wasn't a brisket at all. duh. it was three giant rib eye steaks. they were humongoid. each one covered half a plate. more than half. he slapped a whole steak on soulkids plate and hers and my eyes got huge-- then we busted out laughin; that he would even consider that she would attempt to eat such a huge steak. he also slapped one on my plate-- there was no room for anything else. we both got rid of more than 3/4 of our meat and put it back... but man was it yummy!

so, where did i get "brisket" from? well i did buy one-- but it was just not on the menu. ugh. i couldn't imagine if it were. we all surely would have exploded. what we had was pretty basic-- but more than enough. the brisket will be goin in the freezer before i go to bed.

and btw-- making a low carb holiday meal was not as hard as i thought it would be. it just lacked the rolls and butter --- and gravy-- i missed that-- but ya really don't need gravy with a steak.. and i got so full on the brocolli, and salad, and cow on my plate, that at the time-- i didn't even think of bread.
aaaaand would y'all believe it? nobody argued at the dinner table !! woo hoo! i think that was our first meal in months that someone didn't fight. it was very enjoyable. in fact soulkid liked it so much, she comented that it didn't last long enough.

aand she was actually surprised, and happy when presented with her easter basket. she has such a nice smile-- i wish we could see it more often. it's comin out though. the more "clean time" she gets together .. the more we see it. and the more we hear the genuine laugh of hers. the one that makes my stomache flip flop.

it makes me ashamed of myself -- for the things i think sometimes. because i do overlook so much in her sometimes lately. she's really trying-- and really improving. i'm proud of her. i do know how hard this is for her. in fact-- "they" say it's harder.

she went to a meeting tonight. her dad took her. he usually does. i took her the other night-- but i think that was a first. i just can't see to drive. heck-- when we went to the movies the other day--- i ran over a curb thing-- in the daylight! ugh

anyhow-- after he dropped her off he went to fish a little bit while she was there. he caught a 3 lb bedding bass. i'm jealous. i haven't got a three pounder since--- i don't remember. :)) but he was happy. plus he had an audience of a bunch of boys who had been trying to catch the same fish and they cheered him when he caught it-- that's always great for the male ego right. that and an awesome bbq turn out. y'all better watch out.. one more compliment and he may never come down.

even the dogs enjoyed the day-- they got to have the rib eye leavins-- and on steaks that size-- there was lots of leavins.

they haven't been in a fight btw-- since the night soulman yanked eevee onto the bed by her collar that time. i'm impressed. that always scares me. maybe they learned their lesson eh?

so anyhow-- that's about it--
thanks y'all for comin by--- i only made my rounds to pages that i knew had updated - or come by today-- so if i didn't come over i apologize--i'll catch up with ya.

anyhow-- i do hope you all had happy Easters.

cuz i reckon i did afterall.
told ya my predictions are subject to failure.
that's a good thing, right?

thank you easter bunny

happy Easter peoples--

here's the fish i caught yesterday--
nuthin to brag about -- but hey they're fish-

i look simply horrid lately--
i knew this, but i didn't realize JUST how horrid-
until i saw these pix.
that's why you don't see ME in them.

WTH is happening to me? i look like somethin the cat dragged in.
i've gained weight-- i feel like hell--- and i have "something strange" on my face!!!
it isn't a rash-- it isn't zits--- i don't know wth it is. it makes me think of the "mask" people get when they're pregnant! but don't even go there-- cuz unless it's immaculate conception--- that aint even a possibility. i just look kinda dead-- and fat. and that about covers how i feel too.

my chair in my office has become my best friend. i either sit there all night screwin around on the lap top-- or i manage to fall asleep there--- and that is where i stay. don't even ask if it makes my back hurt-- cuz yes it does. it makes me hurt everywhere.
for some reason, soulman decided to untangle me from all the cordage and ask if i was goin to bed -- or stayin in the chair. i opted for the bed. i hurt even worse this morning.

soulkid had a friend stay the night last . on the condition that the friend would go home early-- since it's easter-- and they both have family stuff today. they are both still asleep -- of course-- what 15 year old isn't?
every year before today on easter-- i would have the easter basket all set out and waiting for when she woke up. even though the passed many years she knew where it really came from. i didn't set it out tho this time. because of the company. it just wouldn't be right. i guess she has a friend here a time or two before-- but i would just get an extra basket and set them both out for when they woke up. not this time tho. i don't even really know the kid that is here now. and y'all know-- i just don't have an ounce of trust for any one of her friends anymore. so it just wasn't in my blackened heart to do that this time. i almost didn't even get my own kid a basket. she's grown up enough to be in the positition she's in-- she surely outgrew the easter bunny-- right? ugh.
that thought remained until a new blog-pal reminded me-- they're never too old. so i did go get her stuff for a basket.
as i bought her a pack of cigarettes--- i considered putting them in there-- ugh. cigarettes. for my kid. it makes me nauseus to buy them. but considering the alternative-- her losing her drivers license before she even has it--- or causing someone old enough to get them for her to lose theirs-- it's just better i get em myself.
i didn't put them in there however-- that's just wrong on alll levels of morality. what few i have left.
so anyhow-- she has a most basic easter basket this year. a thrift store basket-- and a few of the basic easter candies. nuthin special, or planned.. or even fun for me to prepare. no plastic grass-- no plastic eggs with money.. i was almost resentful in buying and preparing the thing.

i just hate what has happened in this soul-world the passed couple years. it has changed every-thing. not one stone has gone unturned. my entire world--and family is different.
i'm a stranger in a strange a strange land. maybe that's why i had such a hard time motivating to fill the basket. to cook -- or plan to cook easter dinner. the whole thing.
i'm not cooking btw. the original plan was to go out. but it's gonna rain all day-- in fact it already is raining. which makes this day even more "special". so that plan changed to soulman smoking a brisket on the egg. he's thrilled btw. nothin like "grillin" in the cold rain. i don't even know if he still will. i don't really care either. i'll eat mcdonalds if he wants to whine about the rain. regardless.. shopping for dinner-- cost about a third of what going out would have...and i don't have to get dressed.

ooooohhhh what a bitter hag i am today. hard to believe it's a christian holiday isn't it? hard to believe anything around here lately tho.

not long ago there was an in-between place for me. where i accepted what was goin on with all of us. and i just dealt with it--- and let it roll. seems this past week has changed a lot. i almost feel like someone died. and no-- i know i mentioned--someone did die--and although i feel deeply for the loss of her --and the pain of her family-- that's not it.

i just don't like change... and i have realized-- something i have already known-- but i think it has sunken in-- finally. everything has changed. everyone has changed. and i'm not likin it one bit. i'm not likin the thoughts that it brings to me. i'm not likin much at all lately.

and ya know -- my head is workin overtime-- and backwards even. we have to start packing, and getting ready to move in JUNE.
what am I doing? decorating! buying and hanging crap. finding stuff in the garage that i have looked for for a year-- is jumping out at me-- so i put it out. instead of just leaving it there--ready to move.

all this-- and i just don't know what to do about any of it. well, i have an idea of what to do... i'm just not in any position to act on any of it.

i really have a feelin this day is gonna suck. the rain is already hittin the window behind me, and the wind is blowing. and it's cold out. with a beginning like this-- i think the outcome is pretty predictable.

just peachy.

i hope however-- that every one of YOU have a delightful easter sunday--
i'll let ya know how mine turns out.
it is kinda funny how often my predictions turn out wrong. y'alll know all about that dontchya?

welp-- enough outta me.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


i must go check out the fishin!!!!!
and get some Easter basket fillins--- (thanks debbie :))

happy saturday peeps :))

Friday, April 10, 2009

smocha--this one's for you

gecko sis--- this is for you :))

Laughing Baby Gecko - The funniest videos are a click away

so much for my plan of the day :((

leave it to me to have the luck of the schleprock. i woke up about 4 a.m. and it was about 70 degrees---- can you believe that? me neither. so i'm thinkin... YARD SALE!!!
i spend some time on craigslist lookin up yard sales etc....drink my coffee... do my morning crap-- and now-- it's 839-- and guess what? it's 49 degrees !!! and WINDY!!! ERG.
wth? i was also gonna load up a fishin rod or two and see if the fish have recovered yet--- but nooooo--- too windy. and cold. (for me).

the child has no school, hubby is at work-- i coulda had this day all to myself. go figure.

sooooo, now what will i do? no idea. i'm itchin to get outta this house tho-- so i'm thinkin maybe i'll go to kohls, and see what's on clearance--- and maybe hit a thrift store for doggy toys-- they have eaten every one they have.

by then, the child may be awake-- and perhaps i shall come get her and go to the dollar theater. or something. she needs a prom dress-- she has seen several cute ones--

did i mention she's back in regular school-- well a charter school. so far she likes being back-- but she's only gone for three days-- so that is always subject to change. :((

if it wasn't so windy i might consider cleaning my garage out-- there's someone loomkin for ,moving boxes--and that's what is fillin half my garage--empty boxes. good lord it's a fire hazzard out there.

did i ever tell you guys--- the hamster-- i don't even remember it's name-- but the one that ATE his friend-- "mclovin".. was living in his cage in the garage for a while-- cuz he stunk!-- and i went out there one day--- to find his cage spilled out on the ground-- he hasn't been seen since- i bet he made a stray cat pretty happy.

anyhow-- i guess i'll get UP and find something to do. i have been up a long time and am bored out of my skull.

happy friday

ps--- i just can't believe no one has had anything to say about the sheep video-- i think it's hilarious!

speak to me peeps

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

too late to even try now

yep-- i speak of sleep. dammit. i got none again last night. i can say last night--because even tho it's only 3 a.m., it's time to get up for me. i have to wake soulkid at 530-- so there is like zero sense in trying to sleep now. i would only be too tired to get out of bed if i did. so i won't. i just got the coffee goin, and will be havin me a nice hot cuppa soon.
yep-- it's not gonna make the soulman none too happy--- not after our last "discussion" on my non-sleep habits. but that was before the new sleep med. i'm pretty sure i have slept every night since i started that-- until last night. and that was because i had a migraine. the same one that i went to bed with the night before. i woke up at like two or three and took an imitrex shot-- i was able to go back to sleep til 5 or 530 after that. but last night-- ugh. i took shot around five or six p.m, and it helped-- but it came back in an hour or two. i didn't want to take vicoden for it-- cuz sometimes that only makes a migraine worse for me. don't ask me why. cuz i have no idea. so-- around 8 i took some "goodies" and a cup and a half of coffee. even tho i was very tired at that time---tired enough to go to bed even. BUT -- i always have a hard time sleeping if someone is gone-- soulman, soulkid, or both...and last night , both were gone, til maybe 9. ish.
unfortunately-- i was cold busted drinkin coffee. even tho it does--and did help the headache--- i ended up bein up all night. i almost fell asleep in the chair-- but once i got up to go to bed-- it was all over with. i was alert again from just movin around the house.
i don't have the migraine anymore-- it's just too late--or early to go to bed.
wth ?? i feel like a kid in trouble. i really think it should be understood that some nights, i am just not gonna sleep. i have nothin goin on --other than takin and gettin soulkid from school today--- if i get tired i can nap- maybe. she gets out pretty early-- around 2. so if i don't lay down by ten i may as well forget it.

doesn't matter tho really, cuz today --or yesterday-- it got up to 75 degrees with little wind. it would have been a great day to fish-- had i not had an appointment and a migraine . along with other things.
and then today-- i have a lot of housework , laundry and errands to do-- if i finish in time--i just may go fishin. it seems like forever since i fished but i think it's only been like a week.
do y'all think hail--big hail-- can kill fish? maybe if it hits em in the head? :)) i wonder that. i wonder if they have recovered from the storm and cold weather and wind etc. this past week here has been really crappy--weather -wise.

so anyhow-- i got the second MRI done -- no new news on that yet--did i say that already? hmmm. anyhow. nope--- i prolly won't know anything else til the 9th, when i see the orthopod again. then after him i have the pain management for the shots--then neuro for that follow-up on all of these other things. ugh.
can we say P-O-V-E-R-T-Y??
soup line anyone?

hmmm... what else?????? not much i can think of right now-- with my non functioning tired brain.

cept this-- has anyone ever seen a cd of an mri? how bout their own? that is some wild shit there i say. i tried to copy an image from the disc but it wouldn't let me. but it is very weird. i saw my own brain. eeeewwwweeee. course i don't know a thing about interpreting any of that..brain, spine, discs, muscles. but i could see em. very weird.

ok-- i'm babblin now-- guess i will go---to do what? no idea-- but i know it won't be sleepin.

i did start reading a book yesterday at the mri place while i waited. i know-- a miracle huh? i never even finished the last one i mentioned.....i got like half way thru and lost my train of thought. so i put it up for another time.
now i'm reading one that a friend recommended --- by wally lamb. i forgot the name tho -- :)) oh-- it's " i know this much is true. i haven't gotten very far yet-- but it's pretty good. kinda strange-- but good enough to keep goin with. it's loooong tho. and me not bein a big reader-- i'm hopin i can finish it.

anyhow-- guess that's it outta me for now--- maybe i'll update this evening.

take care peoples.
and happy humpday!

(not like we didn't already know most of that-
i thought it was cool)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

woo hoo -- i'm just giddy !

guess where i get to glow? ummm, i mean GO,.
i got a call earlier today-- the dr forgot to order an mri scan of my T-spine , when i had the other one. just peachy. that means i get to go have another mri-- today. yip yip yip-eeeee.

hope y';alls days are good-- mines kinda busy-
happy tuesday

Monday, April 6, 2009

i'd rather be fishin -- dammit //// (UPDATED)

howdy folks--

yes, i would much rather be goin fishin than where i'm goin soon.
i have to go have yet another friggin MRI. i just don't get it-- i practically begged for an MRI for years, and now it seems i am having one -- or some other type of scan, or xray- or some crap -- every other week.

but hell. at least i'm being taken seriously now,. but i don't wanna go. anywhere actually.

the wind is screamin outside and it's not even 40 degrees. definitely MY hibernation weather. but oh well.

maybe they'll find the real problem this time. i'm beginning to think they just want my damn money. ugh.

the scan will be of my neck and scap areas. ugh. where it shoulda been months ago. they kept doin the shoulder..bones. sheeeeat. so anyhow-- no time for jibber jabber-- i must go get my glow on.

happy monday :))
i think that's an oxy moron...isn't it?

240 pm

hello again--- i'm baaaaack. i feel fat btw. i have gained so much weight lately. omg i feel like a whale. i'm sure the apple, and 2 bowls of cereal didn't help any-- but i was hungray! now i'm tired. i think i may just take a nap.

in answer to your question joz--- the new sleep med seems to work pretty well--- so far. i think i've only taken it two- or three times? but i sleep til 7-- i slept til almost 8 this mornin. so that's a good thing there. sorta. until i miss an appointment cuz i don't wake up. :))

on the other hand--- the ortho doc apparently already got the MRI report-- even though i still have the scans with me. some woman called to schedule me for the shots in my neck... apparently called -- somethin like a cervical epidural steroid injections. (which i will be lucky enough to be sedated for.

(3 appointments.--Lord i hope it helps. it's basically a nerve block. something i don't know why hasn't been tried before. but i'm game now.

i knew the neuro doc was missin somethin. i like him ok, but i think he shoulda caught this.
the new diagnosis?

Cervical Radiculopathy

i don't know if that means the diagnosis he did give me has changed---or if there are two diagnoses now.... but he had diagnosed me a while back with :

cervical dystonia too.

so. what does all this mean?

it means i am in pain. and now-- "they believe me."

so--- also to answer your question -- donna--- nope no surgery yet-- but it may be an option. if nothin else works.

anyhow-- that oughtta do it-- so - i'm gonna go lay my lard ass down for a while-- hope y'all are havin good days-
mine's just "glowin" :))

Sunday, April 5, 2009

just another sunday--

hiya folks

wth is it with the weather around here? yesterday woulda been the perfect day to go fishin-- it was HOT, wind was low, sun was shinin, --- whaddaya think is goin on right now-- well, since i woke up? the wind is whistlin! it sounds even creepy. haven't gone to the weather page but my guess is about 40 mph. i do not fish in the wind--andymore than jim croce spits into it. i hate to fish in the wind. hell i hate to BE in the wind. and -- it's COLD. wtf people? the weather gods are schitzo- shit. ruined my whole days plans.
now i guess it;s just work. paperwork, bills, house cleaning. all that fun stuff we all love so much.
to top off my morning bitch atack--- i am gonna run out of cigs in about an hour-- and will be forced to face the elements. i need a errand fairy!!! BRAAAAD???? :))

i joined facebook a few days ago-- i really don;t like it at ALL! it has too many stupid things on it that i just don't get. and yesterday i did some -- top five thing-- now i am hammered with SPAM , i even got a couple phone calls! i hate that. if i had known-- i woulda never done that thing. i even put a fake phone number! close but off-- and they still got me. i think i will be cancellin and stayin here where i am comfortable--and can at least maneuver myself around.
ugh the wind out there is drivin me batty.

i still haven't finished my taxes-- or got the program i need to use to do em.
i did however buy a adding machine yesterday-- a real one-- that i can SEE-- and print off of. it's pretty cool--but is takin some getting used to. and as much as i mess with banks etc-- it will come in handy even after the taxes-- IF i ever finish them. i really think i will be handing that task over to soulman today though---- i can';t like it.

yesterday i got some bad news. or should i say read some bad news..... one of my new blog pals daughter was found dead a few days ago. it was horrible to find that. and worse that i hadn't been to her page in days--so found out late. it is unknown exactly how she died--but "fowl play" may be involved. i can't handle hearing of people losing people-- me and death don't deal well together. i don't know why i feel the way i do about certain things--- but death and divorce disturb me. especially when the death is a child. of course this gal was not a child--- she was my friends' child. and it breaks my heart. because i know how that feels...i know how that is. and i know it never goes away. it is a heartbreak that should not even exist. a mother is never the same after such a thing.,
and it is a horrible matter when-- or what the cause. it is just not natural.
please send prayers to her and her family. that they will heal quickly and not be destroyed by their loss. any loved ones death is painful--- but that of your own child-- is hell on earth. her name was Stephanie.

she is asking for donations to be sent to NAMI--or LUPUS.... if you can do this , please do. any amount will help.

wow. i still can't get my head around this. we had talked of her daughter just a few weeks ago. it's tough. and i hate it for her.

anyhow-- that just ripped every other thought out of my head.
maybe i;ll come back later with more.

hope you all have nice days today--

Saturday, April 4, 2009

she's headed for a new life

yesterday was my last day of group therapy.
i think i just may miss it some.
it gave me a reason to wake up-- a place to go-- real live people to interact with- -- and a place to say things that i wouldn't be judged for.
yes. i'll miss that.

2- the day also started out as quite a SOAB. i think it was like 6 a.m when i was bombarded with how important it is for me to sleep at night. so much was out of character in that "conversation" that it blew me away. 17 years, ya live with a person, and most of it is disregarded and placed on ya (me)-- as a character flaw-- or a behavioral problem.
needless to say-- the conversation did not go well.. in fact--it was crap.
thank GOD, we both had places to go. (yes, i speak of the huby and i.)
haha-- "the keeper, that almost got tossed back!)

3- i saw my shrink also-- i told her of the lack of NEED of sleep. about the "discussion" soulman and i had that a.m. - and told her-- i am runnin out of choices-- i can drink.. overdose on sleep meds--JUST to sleep people -- OR she could give me something else.
drinking sounded pretty good-- but she didn't think so :))
so-- the end result? horse pills ! ... big as a grape! a sleepin pill i've never heard of-- much less been offered. i have to take two , because i have a tolerance level of king kong--but it worked!! not sure when i laid down-- before nine i think-- i woke up at like 730. that's one for the record books.

4- after i saw her i was officially discharged from group--said ola to the gals i got to know--and the rest, just to be cordial. i do wish them all the best-- it's hard not to be concerned about folks when you hear the stuff they say in there.

5-- then, it was off to the orthopedic surgeon. that part made me a bit nervous. this shit has been goin on for far too long with my back. and with nothing showing up on all the mri's and xrays-and other stupid tests-- and little to no releief from the pain.. i just didn't know what to expect from him.
and wouldn't ya know it--i got lost-- and couldn't find the place. i was sooo frickin tired yeaterday, from no sleep i thought i'd die. i kept falling asleep in between times he would be in the room with me and go out for something.
anyhow-- more xrays. i didn't think muscles showed up on xrays-- but he must have a superman machine. he could see the muscles that were spasmed, and messed up--- but of course he also--- didn't xray the right part. the worst part i should say, which is the scapula area.
but he referred me for a mri-- pain management-- and then i will be having more shots in my NECK. owwwwwww.
he gave me a shot too--and it hurt. just so ya know. i usually take shots pretty good. cept the botox shots in my back a few months ago hurt like a bitch.
then after all this is done.. surgery might be an option. i heard him on his machine-- what do they call that-- where they record their notes? he said possible torn ligaments== just like neuro guessed. i am not lookin forward to surgery-- but if it helps--- i will take it in a heartbeat.
i'm just sure that the constant --or near constant pain, is contributing to the sleep and depression problems. so hey-- i'm game. just get it over with.

ok..enough about me.

soulkid starts school tomorrow. it's back to the one that's onlyu like half a day-- 830-2... but i feel good about it-and so does she. i will have to drive her-- but i have several appointments lined up-- so for the first few weeks it won't be so bad. i just hope it helps her-- she is in real danger of failing the ninth grade. mostly because she has had so many (med probs and missed school)-- but she also screwed around waaaaay too much.
so, go her. she better get serious, and bust a move.

last night she spent the night with a friend. the lack of trust there even crept into my dreams...but the girl she went with had been in treatment with her--goes to meetings with her--and also seems serious about staying clean. i hope it is all on the up and up. no one can lie like a teenage girl. or two. ugh.

as for the hubster and i-- it's smoothed out now. i think. still a bit of animosity.. feeling attacked over something I cannot control.. but i get over stuff ok. sometimes.

so--- that's just about that.
for now-- y';all are update on the goings on in the soul crib.

some stuff comin up in the near future-- but that can wait til next time.

be happy in your worlds today-
i think i'll just stay busy.

Friday, April 3, 2009

here are a couple posts from my draft file-- due to interruptions and not finishing

the new me-
just add like 20 pounds!

hi peepslesssss-

(this is a post of two posts i attempted to write yesterday--and in the middle of the night yesterday-- that just didn't make it up here. too many distractions.
ha-- you wonder-- who can be distracted at such hours-- well, that would be me.

these are from friday- april 3rd.

this is my 690th post
no tellin how many there would be had i not deleted
so many a while back.
but still, that is a lot of damn writin.

anyhwo-- just thought i'd get that out of the way. i'm not sure what the hell is goin on here-- but it's 2 am.. and i have not been to bed yet. this kinda thing gets really old, really fast. i guess it seems the days that i am stressed or overwhelmed in some way-- or angry even.. are the days that i don't sleep. i guess i'm maybe becoming imune to the slep meds--again-- and i'm ust on my own. obviously , i don't do well on my own. in just about any manor-- i just suck . not all of me-- just the part of me that requires functioning. like communication, routine, self esteem, motivation, respon
sibility, maturity, memory. you know. that type of stuff. but -well i seem to lack the majority of those--and then some.

obviously, i'm not real happy where i'm at right now. not physically-- well, not so much. but i mean spiritually, maybe. nah, that's not the right word. but whatever it is that means where you are in your mind.. or your state of mind? i don't know. i'm not sayin i'm goin mental ... i'm just saying that things aren't working out the way i would like them to be. and a "vacation" sounds pretty good right now."

i don't know how to explain it-- and even if i did-- i'd prolly be too embarased to say it. or write it.
maybe i'm just tired. no one should be on a sleeping pattern the way i have been for so long. i used to complain that i slept too much, and couldn't accomplish anything. now it's the opposite. i don't sleep enough, and i do too much. i'm on the run every day almost. it really affects me. in every way. it affects my relationships. and in turn, it affects my world.

so much has changed , just over the past couple months. a lot has to do with people. alot has to do with me. i just don't know what i'm doing--or even what i am supposed to be doing.

a couple things that get to me lately is, so many times i hear people say-- they are original, what they write is original, they don't want people to steal or borrow their "words". but it seems anywhere i go on here-- it's like i see me talkin. my phrases, my words, weather it be someone commenting, consoling someone-- or in their posts. it's very strange--- and it isn't new to me to be bothered by it. it's just weird, and irritating. but it won't kill me i don't spose. i'm sure it's just my frame of mind right now. just feelin a little lost-- and to see my -- what i thought was originality -- other places-- just a bit unsettling. not anything to get riled up over though-- it isn't like i have much much bigger fish to fry. right.


next attempt

so. anyhow. today is my last day in my womens group thing .
and monday my child will be going back to school. she has decided that home schooling rather sucks. it's lonely-- and she doesn't like to be home so much without conversation with kids her age. i can imagine tho. i'm glad she chose to go back to school.
it's important she get the right help/// especially in math. i just can't do that shit.
she seems happy about it-- and ready.
i sure am. i hadn't really had to do much with the homeschool since she enrolled-- as far as helping her work-- but the fear of it was overwhelming me..especially before i knew she wanted to go back to her other school. so-- big relief .

i don't like change very much. it upsets me.
things have all been changing ever since like the beginning of last year. i sure hoped 2009 was gonna be better-- i think it's worse-- and it aint even a quarter way through.

one foot in front of the other i reckon. it's just kinda tough to do that when all trust has gone out the window. it's kinda like walkin thru life in the dark ya know. i just never know when the bottom is gonna fall out. again.

i'm tryin tho. but dammit it just doesn't seem to work.
or it will for a while-- then the shit falls apart again.

gotta get goin
todays post- comin up

until then---
there's a stupid game to pass some time--if you have it. (below here). i played a few times-- it's like a fifth grade game-- but it'll get ya if ya aren't careful. for a little while anyhow.

mute it if the noise bugs ya.