well, you could try and shut me up-- but it prolly wouldn't do ya any good. cuz guess what? here i am, right up in your face. again.
ya know why? cuz just as i predicted in my first post of the day -- i got home from droppin the child off at school, and after actually a few slightly productive to-do's, i am here, on my arse; where i most likely will remain for the rest of the day. unless per-chance i may be lucky enough to get a burst of energy. i simply don't see that happening tho. not today. maybe not even tomorrow.
would you believe it tho-- the sun is out, and whilst driving home from school, the thought of goin fishin actually crossed my mind. just the thought guys. but hey-- that's progress. it's a very small step in the very right direction. considering it was a mere 39 degrees at the time. and not only am i allergic to leavin the house-- i am even more allergic to cold. so hey-- gimmee a couple days-- when the forecast is 60 degrees -- and let's see what happens. there just might be a small miracle in my world. hmmmm.
so. anyhow-- you may be wondering why i decided to post a second time in such a short period eh? well, you see, i was sifting through some files etc on my computer. i happened across a little 'story'. it's really a part of an email i had written to someone recently-- and i saved it to my files -- well this part of it. the reason i saved it is --- as some of you know-- i have been planning-- and have actually attempted, several times, to author a book. one time my computer crashed -- i lost over two hundred pages of this book-- with no back-up. it took years before i attempted to write it again. and i haven't got near as close to that point again. but-- i'm gettin pretty close to knucklin down and gettin serious again. so much so---- i bought a new computer yesterday. hey-- hubby got a boat--- i get somethin too right? that is what i chose for myself. it won't be here for a couple weeks-- but luckily -- i have enough work and cleanin up to do to make room for it that the time is actually needed. so , i can wait.
anyhow-- gawd, i blab a lot. seems a book should fly right outta me eh?
so. back to what i WAS sayin---
i came across this partial email--- and i decided that some of you may want to see it.
just some tid bits you may or may not know--- about the "Soul story"
february, 2, 2010
where the name 'soul' came from :
it started with 'soulmange' - a very long time ago - which happens to remain my email address.
when i lost jacob. i had a dog named midnight. (you may or may not remember her-- but i had that dog longer than any person, or any-thing- ever.) well, cept for soulman-- and he was only a close second. :))
well- when we lost the baby "Jacob"-- my dog got mange. severe mange. she almost died from it. her litter of ten pups did have to be put to sleep because of it. i just didn't know she had it-- she didn't show signs for months- so it made it hard to know what happened to her.
so, that- and misdiagnosis made it hard to know.
by the time she got the right diagnosis- and medication? i was literally minutes away from asking one of staceys friends to take her out and shoot her. the poor dog did nothing-- except shrivel up to skin and bones, go bald, scratch constantly, cry, and bleed. i couldn't handle it anymore. it was breaking my already broken heart.
the day i was going to ask this guy to shoot her-- i saw my shrink--- who suggested i get a second opinion first.
so i did.
she got a proper diagnosis-- some God given meds, shampoos, vitamins, etc.
i swear to you - within a week-- she had a thin but beautiful coat of hair coming in, she wasn't crying or scratching, she was gaining weight- and eating. she was coming back to life. God gave me my dog-- my soul-mate back. she was on the verge of death. and she lived another -- 10+ years :)) (she did have bouts with breakouts- and flea allergies- but we knew what to do to help her.)
God knew i couldn't lose her. not then.
midnight- 2004 - ish
anyhow-- one day- back then - i was looking at her-- she was still really sick at this time--
she was sitting in the middle of the street in front of our house- i was sitting on our deck.
i could sense it that she was as miserable as i was-- and i thought to myself that she was sitting there-- in the road-- just hoping that she would be run over. she hated living that way.
it was then then i thought-- i know how ya feel my friend--- i have mange too. my soul has mange. i want to die too.
that was when i chose the name 'soulmange.'
and when i decided to put her out of her misery.
and me out of mine as well.
she was healed-- with my help of course-- of her mange---
and i was soon after-- admitted -- into my first mental hospital.
after no other option-- i walked -- crying uncontrollably into my shrinks office-- helpless- and hopeless-- with no where else to turn-- and told her-- i didn't know what else to do-- other than die. she couldn't let me leave like that-- she called my husband- then the hospital-- i was admitted-- my husband was beside himself-
i had finally lost my mind.
BUT---
about twelve years later i had this blog--- and i had folks who liked the stuff i had to say on there--- and i had moments of light in my dark soul ---- and mind--- and i learned to laugh-- and trust (a little)-- and folks didn't like to call me 'soulmange.'
because they didn't see me that way.
they didn't see me as a dark , disturbed, sad person.
at least not all the time.
i made people laugh.
i had a positive side.-- and that side seemed to 'come out' more and more'-
i had a helpful side- that cared about people-- genuinely. many times-- more about them than myself.
they didn't want to call me-- or think of me as having 'mange' -
so--- i became
"SOUL"
(my blog was re-titled as well- with a little help from my friends :))
it went from - "queen earlene's finest" TO :
"Soul Survivor"
but---
now i'm brezz.
cuz i had a mental attack after christmas.
and i hurt a lot of these folks feelings, cuz i got paranoid, and thought everyone turned against me.
and that's because i spose i'm soulmange , once again.
so no more soul
just "Brezz"
(a story all it's its own)
BUT--
wanna hear something positive ?
for YEARS i have had the title for 'my book' that i may never write---
and i was driving home this morning from droppin 'soulkid' off at school--
and i thought of a brand new title for said book!!!!!
you DO know what that means don't you????
it means----
i need to start diggin up all my 'notes, and unfinished crap on this here 'book' we speak of---
cuz it just might get wrote after-all.
title being?
(well, a secret for now-- cuz i don't wanna curse it. that happens a lot in my world as you know. well, cuz i am me. )
the end-- well of the email-
back to today---
oh-- that 'me'? is SOUL -- againand NO-- i'm not schitzo -- just had a bit of an identity crisis for a while.
i may not know how i feel sometimes-- but i always know who i am.
not sure which is worse sometimes. (i kid)
also-- side note--- i have been diggin thru notes and files etc. i see a book on the way.
it's gonna happen. and i am also gonna take some classes at the college next semester-- when i don't freeze to death walking from the car :))
see? step by step--- i'm gonna leave my house if it kills me. and it might.. but it'll happen.
i'm gonna fish
and go to school
and get a life
and write my book
and i'm gonna get out of this funk i'm in
and life will be good again
if only the sun would shine. what a shitty long winter it's been.
happy tuesday peoples-
happy every day :))
