Sunday, November 3, 2013

i'm up noooowwwww - part two

well well well -  for bein only part two of a post for today - y'all sure have a lot of reading to do :))  i think there's four or five posts up just from this morning.  so - don't miss any. 

anyhow -- where do i begin?  where did i leave off?  i don't even know.  yup -- that much hasn't changed :))  i still can't remember nuthin. 

i guess i have posted enough 'background info' though for the day that i can just go ahead and give ya a 'quick' - if that's possible - rundown , of the recent past. 

whaddaya want first? 
the good?  bad? or ugly?

there has of course been all of the above.  how bout some GOOD first? 

i got a dog.  most of you know that , but for those who don't?  i did !  i got a service dog. i got her in March, when she was just a puppy.  she is a Cane Corso.  I have done 90 + percent of her training. i have had help at some classes with her obedience, but I have done ALL of her socialization by myself.  she has flown in the cabin of an airplane at my feet, she goes to the movies with me, she goes to restaurants almost daily, she goes 'shopping' ,  anywhere, and everywhere i go - she goes. 
and she is not a small dog. she is pushin over 90 pounds right now. and is getting bigger. :))  she will grow to somewhere between 110-125  -- just no one knows how big she will get.  her heart is just as big as her body.  her birthday is 12-26-12.  she just turned 10 months old , so is still a puppy. 
i call her hunny alot -- she is my hunny badger :))  crazy little thing.
she makes me smile , and laugh, and get out of bed - and leave the house... and everyone , when we are out just has to talk and ask questions, so i am forced to speak to people.  agoraphobia?  what agoraphobia?  social anxiety?  what is that?   i still get nervous - don't get me wrong.  but this dog has changed my LIFE/ and my WORLD.


the family got pups too.  Malenois pups.  a male and a female. the female is Aza , the male is Tuco. yes, from Breaking Bad  :))  they both came from Holland , but from different breeders. so no, they aren't related.  they are the same breed of dog that our dog Eevie 'was'.  and they are both insane.  very high strung . it's the breed.  and why i chose the corso.  my dog is sooo chill.  she loves to play with the other pups,  but when it's time to be quiet, have coffee, or be in puplic .. you don't even know there's a dog there.  unless of course ya want to.



some of ya know i quit smoking -- finally.  yup - still quit. mothers day - will, hopefully, be 2 years.  i use an electronic cig -- so yep - i admit , still hooked on the nicotine .  but not smoking.  i haven't had bronchitis or strep throat since i quit. and y'all know that was a chronic thing for me when i was smokin three packs a day.  i really do like the e-cig.  and i was one of the lucky ones -- i was able to quit real cigs in 24 hours ! with it.

oh and what else ?  you will laugh at this -- i am now a proud member of the red hat ladies !!!technically i am what they call a pink hat - cuz i am under 50.  but it is so fun. and the ladies are wonderful. 

ok - i am runnin out of time -- cuz believe it or not -- i have to go somewhere :))

so -- i have some bad news to leave you with .. but it's been a week , as of tomorrow. a lot of you know - some may not -- but we lost two of our babies last monday. yes , on the same day.  what a nightmare.  hubby and i weren't even here to help with soulkid to handle the two trips to different vets.  but we were about between an hour - hour and a half away , when soulkid called to say Sushi, our min pin, was very sick.  we headed home, she took her to the vet. (sushi died on the exam table, she had a breathing attack and asperated). 
by the time she got home - Jitterbug  , our oldest cat, the fat torty, was lying on the floor , not moving.  she took her to the emergency vet. 
we had to see and pay for sushi first, then went to where danielle-soulkid was with jitty.  once we got the rundown, and saw her -- the decision... a word i HATE - was made that she be let go. 
neither of them had a chance.

both are being cremated, and we will take them to Arkansas where my sons are.. we will bury them there. 

on that note -- i have to go. 

i hope life has been good to you all.  it may not sound like it in some of the things i have said .. but overall... life is good today.  i have a life.  and as you know, there have been times that i couldn't have said that.

FOUND IN DRAFT FILE - written?) posted 11/3/13

greetings, and salutations !  how have y'all been out there in your worlds?  i hope life has been good to you ALL.  some of you i have an idea of what's been goin on , but others, nope -- i have lost total contact with you.  others, i 'see' on face book now and again, but rarely if ever do we exchange comments.  as for reading your blogs -- if you even keep one going anymore?  nope , i haven't been there.
i have had a tough go of things in my world for a long while here.  things have gone back and forth with me, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.  and so forth.  for quite some time.  i only recently am able to say that i feel some stability in my life.  ooooh.  i think i'll say that again.  i feel some stability in my life !!!!!   yay !  i feel almost like my old self again.  i was at a point that i thought that person was long gone.  never to return.  maybe she is?  maybe we never go back.. and maybe that's good.  but i am able to say, i at least feel normal.  alive. human. sane. comfortable in my skin. like i have a reason to breathe, and get dressed, and shower, and eat.
i didn't for the longest time.  i felt foreign to just be alive.  it was absolutely unbearable to be awake, and breathing.  to think was a chore.  to sleep was a major task.  to function was torture.  to live was impossible.  i crawled into my mind and i stayed there.  for months.  until,  well until i went a little bit crazy in there.  there wasn't enough room up there for me and my own thoughts.  talk about the angel and the devil on your shoulders?  try havin em battle in your head on a constant basis.
i think i learned how truly crazy people get the ideas of angels and demons being them or talking to them.  cuz man i tell ya ...  it was me battling good and evil thoughts -- all the time.  but that's what it was... thoughts.  live vs die.  anxiety vs peace.  run vs. stay.  scream vs silence.  ask for help vs do it alone.  call out for God - or give into myself.  constantly  constantly. it was awful.  so awful.   i got to a point where all i did was pray .  just pray.  even when all i knew what to say was Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, over and over and over again.  until one day something in me changed.  i woke up and instead of praying for God to let me die -- i asked him to bless my family, and friends .. yeh, friends!  and to help me make it through that day!  that day turned into another - and another -- then i went outside -- then i began to meet people.... then i began to talk to people -- then i began to eat with people --- now i have people in my life i call my friends!  real live walking talking people.  not ones that only live in my computer. :))
my world is getting bigger.  and y'all are still in it.  i let ya fade into the background, but you were always here.  without you i never would have never made it through this last bought of depression, and self loathing.  world loathing even.  i don't know that i have ever been to a point that low in my life.  and i have been low.  y'all know i isolate.  i'm good at it.  but ooooh so bad. 

i'm up nowwwww - part one -

so anyhow.  where was i ?  oh yeh --- i just remembered , i had a little of this post saved to draft from last night - so lemmee see if or how i can retrieve that -- 

 ok-- i found it -- so below is what i started to write last night before i got too tired ----

 damn, time flies when ya get a life.  i just noticed it's been almost a year since i posted last.  not intentionally, just kinda turned out that way.  my life got really very boring, and aside from that, no one was comin around to read or keep me motivated by commenting.  i know my own lack of enthusiasm didn't help anything... but with no comments, it just all kinda fizzled out.  and so did i.

  facebook has helped me keep in touch with most of you, and oh i appreciate that .  i almost lost all of you.  i did lose some.  thank God, not all.  because even though many of us met through these pages -- you have left footprints on my soul that will never leave. 

i will accept my part in any destruction in 'our' relationship issues.  but please, if it was due to my isolation, give me a chance to try to make it right.  in most if not all cases - i have already begun reach out and make amends- . 

even in the most 'damaged' relationship - there is light, after a very long 'separation' .  and that makes me happy.  i think there is some trust issues on both sides at this point, but it's early.  it's to be expected.  and that's ok.  it's all ok with me.

if it's  ok with y'all.  i'm still the same soul i was before.  maybe even a little better in some ways.   i guess i sure can't be any worse, right?

so anyhow -- i know i am already babblin like a brook.  i haven't written anything longer than a facebook post since i wrote on here last.  not for lack of desire.  just -- i don't know -- writers block?  nothin to say? no one to say it to?  not a thing goin on worth writing about?  well, that last part isn't entirely true.  i have actually been very busy lately.  and there has been a ton of stuff i could have been writin about -- for months.  i really wish i would have been writing.  there's been a million things goin on this past year or so. good bad and indifferent.  and it would have been great to share a lot of it with y'all.

i still want to write 'my book'.  yep, that damned book.  i think about that book so often this last couple years.  i just don't know where or how to start.  maybe i need a ghost writer.  or someone to take dictation.  uuughh.  i don't know nuthin bout birthin no book !  :))  it will happen tho.  someday, before i die, i will write my book.

so anyways -- speakin of not knowin how to start a book ---- i don't know how - or where to start this post either.  i could start by telling you that this passed month has been , i'll bet, the worst, all around, physical, mental, and emotionally bad month , for me -- in a very long time.  as in years , long time.  starting maybe in the second week of October -- and it's still hard.