greetings, and salutations ! how have y'all been out there in your worlds? i hope life has been good to you ALL. some of you i have an idea of what's been goin on , but others, nope -- i have lost total contact with you. others, i 'see' on face book now and again, but rarely if ever do we exchange comments. as for reading your blogs -- if you even keep one going anymore? nope , i haven't been there.
i have had a tough go of things in my world for a long while here. things have gone back and forth with me, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. and so forth. for quite some time. i only recently am able to say that i feel some stability in my life. ooooh. i think i'll say that again. i feel some stability in my life !!!!! yay ! i feel almost like my old self again. i was at a point that i thought that person was long gone. never to return. maybe she is? maybe we never go back.. and maybe that's good. but i am able to say, i at least feel normal. alive. human. sane. comfortable in my skin. like i have a reason to breathe, and get dressed, and shower, and eat.
i didn't for the longest time. i felt foreign to just be alive. it was absolutely unbearable to be awake, and breathing. to think was a chore. to sleep was a major task. to function was torture. to live was impossible. i crawled into my mind and i stayed there. for months. until, well until i went a little bit crazy in there. there wasn't enough room up there for me and my own thoughts. talk about the angel and the devil on your shoulders? try havin em battle in your head on a constant basis.
i think i learned how truly crazy people get the ideas of angels and demons being them or talking to them. cuz man i tell ya ... it was me battling good and evil thoughts -- all the time. but that's what it was... thoughts. live vs die. anxiety vs peace. run vs. stay. scream vs silence. ask for help vs do it alone. call out for God - or give into myself. constantly constantly. it was awful. so awful. i got to a point where all i did was pray . just pray. even when all i knew what to say was Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, over and over and over again. until one day something in me changed. i woke up and instead of praying for God to let me die -- i asked him to bless my family, and friends .. yeh, friends! and to help me make it through that day! that day turned into another - and another -- then i went outside -- then i began to meet people.... then i began to talk to people -- then i began to eat with people --- now i have people in my life i call my friends! real live walking talking people. not ones that only live in my computer. :))
my world is getting bigger. and y'all are still in it. i let ya fade into the background, but you were always here. without you i never would have never made it through this last bought of depression, and self loathing. world loathing even. i don't know that i have ever been to a point that low in my life. and i have been low. y'all know i isolate. i'm good at it. but ooooh so bad.
4 comments:
I believe in the power of prayer, Soul Sis, I don't know exactly how it works, but I know for certain from my own life that it does. God can save a little kitty and God can save you and me! Sometimes we have no words, but the cries of our hearts are still heard, and perhaps they are our most powerful prayers. You have a hint here... when you turn yourself outward toward others, you begin to heal!
i believe in prayer in prayer in too -- and faith in numbers -- i have seen it happen -- for me , and for my friends --there are a couple folks i know that i swear to you -- God just has a direct with us --- he really does listen, and acts upon what we need him from him in prayer, it's awesome to watch.
Very well said.... And i am still ...glad your coming around
Vicki.. I don't understand the pause. Isbthat good or bad?
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