Wednesday, November 5, 2008

my days runneth into each other

hi peeps---

looks like we have another humpday upon us. woohoo. ya right. the only thing exciting about that is that i finally figured out what day it is. they all seem the same anymore. they all just run right into each other. none are different. except that some nights i'm here alone for a while, and on some, one or both the other soul peeples are here. just depends.

today, on the other hand, i -- well, actually, we all---woke to a brand new prez. the first black--or to be more PC.. african american - president. in a way i'm concerned. i'm not prejudiced about it, but "it' has crossed my mind-- i wonder if the dumbass KKK, skinheads, or other really "against-a black president" people, are gonna cause problems. like huge problems. i really hope not. i'm talkin like riots, and big huge major scary issues. it's possible. and worrisome. (to me)

for me??? i didn't vote. i know. shame on me. i would have. i wanted to. but circumstances wouldn't allow me to. even if i would have tho-- i will admit i woulda gone the other way-- BUT i am not unhappy with the results-- i sorta expected it to go this way-- and personally i feel it is actually about time. it was bound to happen. i don't have a problem with it. a black president-- or a democrat. it was just time for both. really. i know it's my opinion. i know we all have one. i also know i should prolly not be discussing this topic so i will stop. don't be hatin. :))

back to days runnin together--- it's hard for them not to. i don't know what the hell is goin on. how long i been home. what day is what. or the date. it takes an actual calender or "date check" etc to get a clue . or asking someone.. what day is it -- whats goin on today--yesterday-- blah blah.. you get the gist. tough way to be goin , but i get by. well, sort of. it's kind of confusing actually.

the few things that surprise me are-- just how long i have been in pain. how many meds i have sucked down. how long i have been trapped in this house. how long i have spent on my ass or in bed. how long i have gone without talkin to my peoples. how much i actually WANT to get UP and OUT of this damn house! even how much i want to CLEAN, and be productive with this damn place. ERG!
wanna know how long i've been down, and in pain?
today is day 16 days! since the day i entered the emergency room. omg. i didn't even know that til just now..i looked at the calender and counted. that doesn't even count the couple of days i was down with pain before goin to the ER. ugh.

i still have a hard time believing that i was only hours from dying, and not even know it. so weird. weirder still is the damn pain. can't figure it out. just want it to stop. y'all know it has my mind going in 300 different directions. but i'm not gonna rush to the ER again. altho my hypochondriac mind has told me to ten times. main times being when the pain is out of damn control. like when i can't breathe, or i am brought to tears. which has been often actually.

like yesterday. my God. i thought i was ok...well as ok as i could be. the pain was tolerable at least. i got on the phone to pay a bill.. by the time i hung up ten minutes later i was crying , short of breath, and apologizing thru the pain. i had no idea it would be that way or i would not have attempted the call in the first place. the payment was completed, the poor girl on the phone was almost in tears with me,; wishing me a pain free rest of the day. i felt really foolish for calling in that situation. but i hadn't been talking prior to the call.. i was alone--and had no idea that just speaking could cause so much pain. ugh.
after i hung up, hubby showed up-- it was his lunch hour and he spent the whole thing picking up a pain patch from my dr, to bring it to me, and rush back to work, cuz i still cannot drive.
he slapped it on my neck/shoulder, made me soup--him a couple dogs on the run and rushed back to work. and i spent the rest of the day in bed--til hubby got back home around 6 and fixed dinner and got me hooked up with more meds. but omg. i wish i just knew where to go for help with this.
it has to be either endocrinological--or neuro related. i'm just not sure which. i just know i don't wanna spend another second with another doctor--- nor do i -- or can i continue to mask the problem with meds. i need to find out what the real problem is. something is causing this pain. what the hell IS it??? someone out there has to know, and do somethin about it.

the CT results merely showed a "swollen--or enlarged" thyroid gland. which to me.. leads me in the direction of endocrine related--or addisons disease related. glandular etc. but WTH? my endo doc is a idiot. i went to her in what i am almost sure was addisons crisis, unable to walk--literally- with extremely low BP-- and she did absolutely nuthin. ugh. refered me to ER. gee thanks. yes if i were rich, perhaps that might be an option.. but it wasn't because i am not. sooo. screw her.

which now, leads me to wonder.. could the pain be neuro related? cervical dystonia? did i snap my neck from falling so much that day? did i get picked up too much? too roughly? after falling that day? could i have fallen too hard, and not realized it? wtf? just what the fuck?

there is not one thing-- at least not one thing that went noticed on the CT that "should" cause this much pain. but i have all these damn doctors that should be able to find or tell me something-- anything. they are finally willing -- at least to this point -- to medicate me-- but i am tired of the medicine. i want to know WHAT the cause is. ya know. shit. shit shit shit.

i am afraid that now-- as in today, i am almost out of meds-- i still have no answers, i still have pain, albeit less-- thank god-- but --- what if today is the day that every dr. whimps out on giving me meds-- because there are no answers. and here i go left in all this pain-- still with no answers, and everyone tired of looking for them. ugh. can we just say screwed?

i'm sure y'all think i'm a junky by now--- right along with the docs-- but it just isn't that way. i almost wish i could be at this point/. get some enjoyment somewhere--sometime-- out of it ya know. all i am seeking at this point is to sleeep it away. and i do that without pain meds. i have other meds to put me out. i just fear another clot from being immobile-- so i am afraid to sleep too much,
i suck y'all.
i can't find relief.
physically or mentally.
and it sucks.
if i am in pain.. i am obviously physically and mentally fucked.
if i am not in pain--as temporary as it is.. i am usually alright-- thats the only time.. but then i fear to "do " too much . or something.
or worry to use too much meds or some shit.
when i do rest -- i worry i am too still..i should move more.
when i move-- i worry i will do to much,.
ugh ugh ugherg.
even when i get a chance to feel good enough to blog-- i get to feeling guilty if i dont hit all my pages-- cuz i dont know when i will--and i hate to miss anyone.
and i love to hear from yall, and when i do-- i feel bad if i cant answer everone--so when or if i cant i dont answer anyone--so i feel pressured.
its all so yucky.
just shoot me.
not really
just love me.
i'm tryin to get better.

i just wana go fishin before it gets cold.
i wana go out to eat.
i wana clean my house
i wanna cook somethinn really really yummy for my family.
i wanna hit and comment on every single one of yalls pages and comments here
i wanna drive my car
i wana wash my hair without hurtin myself
i wanna sleep all night long without waking hubby by moaning and cryin like a baby.
i wana get thru a day without a pain pill--or six.
i just wana be me

shit-- i thought i was a waste before-- look at me now- hell man; i cant even fix my own lunch or get to the store or take my kid to school or cook or clean or not a damnthing.
and it sucks

but it really makes me appreciate MY life-- i miss it.
i will not take it for granted when i get it back.

oh hell... i almost forgot-- you have ta go here!!! i found it on accident-- but trust me you will like what you see ::

----  or not -- 9-26-2011-- skimming through old random posts -- this link got hacked - i promise you - no one i associate with would have liked where it went - i was mortified !!!!!! 

i must pee now.

happy humpday