Monday, December 17, 2012

so much - so little

hey peoples -- if there is any peoples left.  i reckon i should apologize -- yet again - for not bein here for so long. i thought i would be writing again, as you could see from my last couple posts. BUT -- yeh, i know , "everything after 'but' is bullshit".. as i always say, BUT- i guess i'm known best for disappearing this last year or two.  for that i am sorry.  i know some of you worry.  well, maybe not so much anymore.  my fault.  i know.

anyhow -- i'll start with some really great news -- my oldest nephew --  first of three-- is at this very moment - in florida, awaiting the birth of his first born.. a boy!  his name is 'Conrad'.. i am so very happy for him and his lady.  this is my second great aunt-ness :))  the first was a girl.  her name is Hayden.  she is a little over a year old now.  she was born to the youngest nephew.  guess the middle boy needs to get busy :))  but yeh,,  i got on this darn computer hours ago - and i just can't peel myself off of it!!!  afraid i might miss something.  like the birth of Conrad.  i want to see the photo of that little face the second it pops up on facebook !

now comes the whining ... sittin here is killing my back!  yep, the pain still kicks my butt.  i try my best to not complain... i have gotten better about it.. just sometimes i have to say it.  'i'm hurty'.  it doesn't make any difference tho.  some days are better than others, and for that i am grateful.  so, like i said, i just do my best to not complain.  i heard a tv preacher -- my favorite one actually.. Joel Osteen, say "Be positive, or be quiet".   well, you can prolly imagine ... i'm pretty quiet sometimes.
my head isn't quiet much tho.  y'all know how my head can be.  i do work on that a lot.  when i get negative.. i have been praying -- and praying some more.  life has gotten pretty messy for me this last few months.  i think a lot of it was the darn anti depressant withdrawal.  i thought that was gonna kill me.  seriously.  it was so gawd awful physical.  absolutely horrible.  everything from electrical face zappy feelings, to some serious weight loss.. as if i needed that.  i still don't have much of an appetite.  i can't afford to lose anymore weight.  if i were to get sick or something i'd be in some big trouble.  none of my clothes fit me anymore.  i wear a belt , and just look bad.  oh and the anxiety and panic attacks are enough to make me think i'm gonna drop dead.  i don't know what to do with myself. 

i did however go back on prozac a couple or three weeks ago.  i had to.  not for depression, but for the anxiety. i couldn't stand it.  it was physically impossible to tolerate.  it has eased a bit.. maybe a lot.  but i still have a problem with it, on a nearly daily basis.  i don't know why.  i just keep praying about it, and try to keep my mind off of things.  like everything.  i keep telling myself that maybe it's the Christmas, or December thing.  i don't know if it is or not -- but whatever might buy me some time is good enough for me. it is very odd for me to be feeling this way right now -- because there is absolutely NO reason for it.  and it isn't a 'mental' thing.  my mind is ok.  it is just a physical awful anxious, horrible 'state of being'.  ugh.

other than that?   my family is doing fine.  soulkid just finished her second semester of college :))  we also just got her a new / used car.  she had been driving a big ole gas guzzler- a nissan pathfinder that she could barely afford to drive to work and school.  a couple weeks ago we found her a little VW beetle.  she loves it.  it's a nice little older car. a 2002.  the price was right and it should last her several years.  the pathfinder sold to the first caller .  so that was good.  barely broke even, but that's the market these days .  at least my yard doesn't look like a used car lot.

anyhow ---  i still think of all of you.  i miss you all, and i miss writing.  my mind has been elsewhere, and i just haven't felt like i could even write a complete sentence... i guess i was wrong.  i can still babble looks like huh? 

i hope you all are doing well and being happy in whatever you're doing .. have happy Christmas and New years -- and know i haven't forgotten any of you.  i'm still here.