Thursday, November 11, 2010

face it folks , i got nuthin to say


but as usual, i'm sure i'll come up with somethin.
y'all prolly hate me by now.  i don't post- i don't visit- i wouldn't blame ya if ya just moved on.  in a way it looks like most of y'all have.  i hope ya come back.  i do mean well.  i think about y'all every day - and i do think about writin on here every day too.  i just haven't had it in me.  i had the rhizotomy done on monday.  i've hardly been on the computer at all.  i do facebook a little on my phone, cuz it's just easy.  sittin at the desk has been impossible and the laptop , just cumbersome, til today .    and even so --

the few times i have actually attempted to write -- 
nothing blog worthy came to mind.

i've been over medicated, over sleeping, and haven't left the house since gettin home from the dr. on monday.  there's just nothin to say. 

today , i can at least report that i am recovering real well from the rhizotomy.  so much better than the last one.  prolly in the normal range of the few days that most people usually do.   and i have to say i am thrilled to be able to say that.  i don't know how well the actual results are yet, but what i do know is that i don't have that awful , burning, constant pain i had after the last time.  so, i think, and hope this one will 'take', and i will have good results, and hopefully -- this will lead me out of the depression that has been holding me hostage for the past two months. 

so much has been goin on in my head these last many weeks.  maybe i should have just written - like i used to.  ya know? just let it all out right here.  i've been feeling like i can't or shouldn't write like that anymore though. not since i moved my blog. or changed blogs or whatever ya call it.  i don't know.  you tell me.  is holding back better or worse?  to me, it's worse.  for one-- i don't feel like 'me' writing.  and i don't know really why i feel so 'protective'.  i feel boring.  i don't want my blog to bore you.  i don't want to bore you.   i also hate to whine.  i seem to do that more 'here' than the other blog too.  is it cuz i'm not sayin so much other stuff?   there were times i'd not leave the house for days at a time then too, but i'd still find things to write about.  still find ways to be funny about nothing.  now?  ugh.  i feel like i can't think straight.  sometimes i think it's cuz not many folks comment back - and it leaves me with little to go on.  but hell.  i wrote here - there- for months before i had a single person comment at all. 
i need help.  or maybe i don't.  i just need to make a commitment i reckon.  it must be the time of year.  it's just not a good time of year for me.  i'll get back on track. 

i don't like to let people down. well, who does?  i guess i mean, i don't mean- to let people down. 
i can't help the way i feel at times tho.  i know some of you understand that.  and i appreciate those of you who do.  i have a buddy out there who has been calling me quite consistently lately.  i hope she knows how much that means to me.  even though i really hate to talk on the phone.. some days that phone call is the only time i smile that day.  maybe sometimes it's the only 'conversation' i have in a day.  'YOU' are important to me -- i hope you know that.  i never take people like you for granted.  i know you know who i'm talkin about -- too bad you live so far away. the good ones always do.


in fact, she is my motivation for posting today.  i was pretty much at the point of quittin again.  oh don't say it.  i know we all get there at times.  and i've done it a time or two already.  but really.  i hate watching my blog sink like the titanic.  i hate watching folks come and go.  worst of all?  i hate wondering what - if anything - it is that i have said... that maybe crossed some sort of invisible line , that offended someone.  scared someone?  angered someone?  and if that has happened, why in the world could that person not just tell me?  i mean WTH? 

the other day - i got an email.  sounded fine.  it was from someone who -- nevermind the details-- but i will admit , i second guessed myself in responding to it.  i have my reasons, and they are valid.  this person has a way of messing with my head in certain ways , and i am gettin pretty good at having figured it out.  but--- as short as the email was -- coming and going-- that's as far as it went.  i thought my reply -- deserved a reply. ya know?  perhaps an explanation.  as it ended with a question- of sorts.  not a word since.  i wasn't surprised tho when i didn't hear back.  i didn't get angry at this person.. rather -- i kicked my own ass.  because i knew better.  some sick pleasure is gained by this person to play head games with me.  when all i want is answers.  instead -- i need to finally lock that door behind me.  and move on.  "some are sicker than others".

found that today -- suits this person perfectly.
'while you're back there'
:))

well, anyhow.. did i mention... i think i will be back to drivin and maybe even cleanin up the house a bit by tomorrow.  the last rhizotomy it was well over 4 months before i even thought of doin a thing.  aside from sittin on my ass, takin pills, sleepin, and the sort.  this time-- they suggested the other side be done in 2 weeks -- which is gettin closer to one week now-- and i'm actually considering it.  not without fear.  but i just may do it.  i need a life.  i would say 'my life'.. but in all actuality, i didn't have much of one to speak of.  maybe if i get this done -- and have a good outcome-- i can get a life.  it's really gettin to me the way things have been goin .  physically and mentally.  i don't know how to just wave a magic wand and change things.  it will take work.  spiritual, physical, mental.  all that.  i know that nothing magical is gonna just happen over night.  i know i have to work.  i have to put forth action, to get any results .   but i also know i have to do something- in order to change anything.  and i know something needs to change. soon.  perhaps i should start a 'list'.  maybe that'll be my next post? mylist of thing to - maybe do. bleh.

cuz i can't like feelin this way any more.


or this way either.



oh!  one last thing--
it's Veterans day!
blessing to those who served in any military service!
especially those who gave their life - or became disabled in any way for this great country!
THANK YOU!


5 comments:

Mary said...

It's good to hear that this surgery was earier than the last. I hope it does the trick and gives you relief. Maybe after the next (if you have it) will make life even more comfortable.

I miss your blogging but understand how hard it is sometimes. I miss blogging myself but haven't written a word in three weeks. Just nothing to write. Being home all the time leaves me dry.

I'm making ramdom pictures of an event that's in progress across the street from us and hope to post pics and blog about it. The event is a house being moved - a BIG house. I sit on my living room sofa and watch. It's like a drama movie. . . never know what might happen next.

Please take care of yourself. I think of you every day and always check to see if you've written. I'll be here when you do. Love to you.

ethelmaepotter! said...

Oh Sweetie, you need...I don't know...something. Fishing or a trip somewhere or a great meal. Or drugs. Have you got some good drugs?

Well, the good news is that the rhizotomy went well...and you're coming along quickly. The bad news is you're as depressed as all getout. I know how you feel...you know I do...and we both know it takes time and love and drugs and sometimes a whole lot more.

I am so sorry that you didn't win my giveaway. If I had rigged the drawing...but I couldn't...there were actually several people I was hoping would win, and you were definitely one of them.

Keep on with your blog...please. Even when you say you have nothing to say, you're brilliant! you have a style that is so very unique, and that I love. You're not whiny, and you're definitely not boring. You're just a very unique person I love.

Hang in there!

EM

Paxie Panicker said...

You do well with the nothing to say LOL! I get in the same funk here with nothing to blog about. I also talked to a good friend yesterday and she made me laugh and laugh. It's good to have those people to talk to when you feel like crap. Especially when they feel like you do! My readers come and go too.

I'm thrilled that you are not in pain and hope you'll be up and out soon. You want to have something to blog about, so get up today, shower and take photos of something. Maybe I'll try that too LOL

Sending you super big hugs and remember all funks pass.... :)

Lynx217 said...

I'm still here! OMC I've been sleepin like a log so much lately! The FB "party" was fun too... nothin like a couple people bein up at 4am wif nothin better to do than hang out on someone else's wall! LMAO
Hope you start feeling better soon

Donna said...

For someone who didn't have anything to say, you said a LOT! Silly gal, LOL. I hope that these procedures give you some relief. I know that chronic pain is a bit##. Got the t-shirt for that. You've got to get on with some semblance of a life and enjoyment.

Did you see all of my eagle pictures? I'll be posting polar bear pictures next week. {{{{{hugs}}}}}, as always.