i thought i could, but i guess not.
yesterday-- i know it will not be the last day that i feel sad, or miss midnight, or even cry for her. but it has to be the last day that i allow myself to be crippled with grief for her. she wouldn't want that for me. it was her that saved me from that all these years that i wanted to live that way in the first place. there will never be another dog like her. at least not for me.
my daughter and husband both have already suggested i get another dog. i understand, and am not surprised really that they did. it's just that i am not ready to even consider that. and i may never be.
if we do ever get another dog-- it is hubbys turn.. and i will surely keep a distance in how much i allow myself to love it. being the one that is home with the animals the most, it is always me that seems to be the mom to any animal we have, no matter "whos' it is"... but if there is a new animal brought in here-- i will not feed it--- that is always the first mistake. they know where the food comes from.. and they make that connection to ME-- every time. regardless... no animal is coming here any time soon.
sushi is having a terrible time here without midnight. she somehow knew right away that she wasn't coming back. she looked for her as soon as we got home. she went to the door and smelled and whimpered. then she found my purse-- that had midnights collar and leash in it-- and smelled, until i took them out.. then she smelled them and licked them, and whimpered. i was sitting on my bed.. i held the leash and collar and sushi laid with me and smelled them and laid with me for a long time. later i tried to move the collar to my bed table-- she let out a yelp-- she won't let me take it off my bed.. even now. she checks on it several times a day--- she naps with it. if i pick it up to hold it-- she watches me , to make sure i am not taking it away. i think it will forever be on my bed. the leash-- i put in sushis crate that we put her in when we leave the house--- soulkid tried last night to take it out to put in her bed, because sushi sleeps with her at night-- sushi is not agressive, but almost bit soulkid to keep her from taking the leash out of the crate.
she has been with midnight since she was like six weeks old. it is heartbreaking to watch her behave this way. she knows midnight isn't coming back.
and so do the cats.. they keep looking for midnights bed.. it was on the floor next to my side of the bed--- i couldn't leave it there-- because i woke up and checked on her so often, or if i laid down for a nap- or woke up at night-- or went to bed,,, there she was.. for like twelve years almost. that's almost as long as i have been married. aside from huby and soulkid-- i have had no other daily constant in my life-- ever. ever.
but anyhow-- i cannot let loss define me .. again. i need to let her life , the life we shared. remain the biggest part of what she left with me. even her last moments were sweet and funny. well most of them.. imean it was sad, of course. and i cried like i havent in a very long time. but she was jsut so sweet, and relaxed. and peaceful. and we knew it was time for her to go. but oh it hurts. and i know it will for a long time.
but-- life goes on...
i soooo appreciate every one of you
i will be around to your places soon.. or sometime today--
i have been ordered to get out of the house today-- which isn't a bad idea-- since i remained comatose yesterday.
soooo.... i gotta get UP, and accomplish some real life stuff today.
i hope you all have happy days in your worlds today---
i will try-
22 comments:
awww that's so sweet and sad.
i know that midnight was your "grull"
your soulmate.it will get better. as you know.
let yourself cry when you need to . but as you said "don't let the grief define you."
she WOULDN't want that for you.
i know how insignificant words are at a time like this. the right ones just do not exist.
i guess that's why grief is so hard to deal with.
i for one, hate it. lol
i feel your pain. know that and i am here if you need me.
just do something that makes you smile everyday. including today.
that stuff your hubby wrote was so sweet and hearfelt, i was bawling my head off. :)
I remember when you first got Midnight and she was so scared of tile floors that you had to carry her over the whole floor to get her to go outside. :)
God knows who to pair the little mental crackers with. lol
She was a little southern queen. thanks to you.
ok...must have a cig now to quit bawling. :)
love you!!! me
thanks sis-- i know you love her too.
luv, me
You express yourself so beautifully. Maybe writing, getting it all out, will help, if even a little bit.
Do get out of the house today. Be as strong as you can. Cry when you damn well feel like it.There are no rules on that. Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.
On a lighter note, when Puddin died Rocky missed her. You could really tell. FOR ONE DAY. The next day he hopped in her bed and has claimed it every since. OLDY update, you hawg!
It's good news that you plan to get out of the house today. Midnight's memory will be with you always and, in a way, so will she. When our dog went to sleep for the last time, I thought I'd never get beyond the grief. It took a while but now she's a happy memory. I refuse to ever get attached to another pet. I know exactly how you feel.
Glad to hear that you will moving around a bit today. While you shouldn't loose yourself in this loss, you do need to allow yourself time to grieve without minimizing it. My husband doesn't want any more animals in our house because he doesn't want to become attached to a critter either. I can't imagine not having any...And I, too, am the momma to the critters, whether I feed 'em or not. They know where they get their lovin' from, and that is as important as their food.
*hug*
It's good for you to get out of the house - I hope you do something enjoyable---
xo
So beautifully written, from the heart. No wonder you miss Midnight. He's been your baby for so long. Poor SUshi. I have seen my dogs behaving that way too. Cookie got so flustered and worried that time when Rusty got lost. It was heartbreaking to see.
It's good to see you up and about again. Midnight will live in your memory but he's looking at you from Heaven, wanting to see you happy again.
hiya soul..glad to see you back... i ditto what everyone else says.. do get out of the house..yes.... but Midnight will always be a part of you... but now she's in her paradise..and that is a wonderful thought...
I read all your words with a tear in my eyes. Till I got to the label of the day. Then I laughed! You are so soulful!
It's a teary kind of day. I feel your sadness. I lost many of my cats over the past years and my heart still breaks when I think of each one.
You're a good woman, a good person and I wish you lived close by so I could invade your space and give you a hug.
Sweet dreams tonight.
So did sex improve your mood?
This is such a touching post. I can really feel how you entire family misses Midnight!
My husband wants to keep a cat when our new apartment is ready. One thing that he is really very concerned about is that he will grow very attached to the cat. And quite surely, chances are the cat will die in less than ten years. He can't imagine the grief he will have to go through losing the cat.
Now that I read through what you are going through, I am having second thoughts too. It's so natural for human to be slowly and gradually attached to constant factors in life.
Take Care.
mornin everybody---
i can tell today will be a better day-- y'all are already making me laugh!
i hope your days are good ones.
I just saw the 2 photos of you, Midnight and Soukid in the lake. Oh, those were such nice photos. I really love them :-)
Soulkid's so cute as a kid :-)
hi blur---
that was a great weekend---
so memorable.
it deserves a post all it's own really. it was definately a schleprock weekend--- i think midnight was the only one who didn't have a mishap of some sort! :))
have a great day---or whatever :))
I don't even know what to say, Soul. I am soo sorry that you had to go through this.
I'm glad that you're getting out of the house today.
Try to have a good one:)
E--
you don't have to say anything more-- i just need to move on.
i will never ever forget her-- she is embedded in my soul, she will always be a part of me. nothing will ever change that.
i know you care--
i know you all care
and that means everything to me.
i hope you have a great day!
what are your young'ns up to these days ???
oh gosh soul, that's painful! I'm sorry. :(
xo,
Elizabeth
Hi Soul, I've been a slacker and haven't got round til today. It broke my heart when my little Lucy had to be put to sleep and I swore I would never get attached to another dog again. Eventually we got two from the same litter, Milly and Bella, and those furry little critters wormed their way into my heart before I realised what was happening.
Poor little Sushi....it's hard to explain to a dog what has happened but obviously she has her own version of events in her mind. They grieve just like humans do so my wish for all of you is that you all live a good life in honour of Midnight. She's in a peaceful place now.
mornin gypsy---
i know how that goes...
in fact we got sushi-- just a week or so after we lost chicklet-- i thought that was the right thing to do at the time-- but later found it wasn't. we had a tough time learning to love her-- with all of ourselves, ya know... but once we let go of chicky-- almost a year later-- sushi, just became one of us.
it's hard being a animal person.
someone has to love the damn things i guess though.
hope you aren't having a heat stroke tonight---
i'll be over in a few to see what you've been up to--
latah...
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