just so ya know --- this isn't about me.. well, it is, but it's not. it is about me.. but it's an explanation , for y'all.
an explanation as to why i have been kinda in the background lately... in posting.. cruisin, commenting, and replying. i know it's a bit out of character for me.. maybe not to occasionally be that way.. but to consistently get that way-- it is. and i suppose some of y'all may have noticed.
so--- i decided , even though i didn't want to get into this, at this point.. maybe i should. just so y'all would know that none of this has anything to do with any of you... it's just stuff goin on here. and with me.
bat-soul, isn't happy lately. i haven't been feeling well, and i have a lot on my mind. i'm very tired lately, and there is more reason to be tired like this, than just overdoing it, or being bored , or whatever. and it's not lazy either-- like i have been saying. i just didn't want to lay it all out here -- only to come back, and once again say --- " it was nothing". even though- we all know it is "something". but doctors are asshats. each and every last one of them.
therefore-
and can't even think. or move.
i don't know what to blog about- or say to people.
so i basically say as little as possible.
here online-- and actually at home too-
so don't feel alone.
in fact- be grateful-
cuz even at home-
i am not a very pleasant person to be around.
just imagine THIS
and that would be ME.
the look, the sound, the feel,
ya, that about sums it up.
i don't know what to blog about- or say to people.
so i basically say as little as possible.
here online-- and actually at home too-
so don't feel alone.
in fact- be grateful-
cuz even at home-
i am not a very pleasant person to be around.
just imagine THIS
and that would be ME.
the look, the sound, the feel,
ya, that about sums it up.
SO----
here's the scoop----
here's the scoop----
a couple weeks ago, i had a appointment with my endocrinologist. (the doc i see for the addisons' disease. they had done some labs a couple weeks prior to that. they told me the results. well.. it wasn't the first time in my life-- in fact it is quite often that my labs come back showing anemia. and this is what they showed this time. only it was worrisome to the doc-- and to me as well this time. mainly because of the way i have been feeling-- lethargic, cold, tired, other things... --- she refered me to my gastro doc.. asap.
i saw him a few days later-- he too was more than concerned due to just how much the red blood cell count had dropped in only like 7 months since his last labs. i can't understand this lab stuff-- but his last set read a 36... this set was a 10. the endos previous labs a month or so earlier was a 9.
(whatever-- all i know is that's quite a drop)
so..
1-he sent me for a abdominal ultrasound.. like the very next day. (no results yet)
2-scheduled me for a upper GI--(EGD) scheduled for early a.m. tuesday)
3-and of course the labs on the other day that i mentioned.. i didn't want to make a big deal of what , from experience-- may be nothing-- but the lab paper-- actually was marked (tumor) for the test to be taken. an actual tumor marker test. little scary if you want the truth. -- when i was in NM, and really believed that i had cancer-- because i lost a ton of weight and was very ill.. i requested the (CA-125) which is a tumor marker as well.. mainly for ovarian cancer. but this one the other day? i am not sure of-- i knew nothin about it til i got bored waiting there at the lab and read the sheet. so. i don't know where he might be checking for a tumor this time.
and 4th-- AFTER, all of this is complete--- i will be having yet another colonoscopy. BUT this time it will be the one where you swallow a "capsule". it will show 22 feet of intestine that the regular scope is unable to see. if i remember correctly the capsule is an actually camera.. but i'm not sure. i haven't even googled it. and y'all know-- i am the queen of google.
it's just that THIS time.. i'm flying blind. willingly. this time. i don't want to know. i don't want to worry. i don't want to freak out, i don't want to self diagnose, or go overboard. i always do that, and before i know it-- i'm already dead.
in fact-- all of us here at the crib are acting the same way-- although-- soulkid actually doesn't know ANY of this at all. she has lived most of her life with my medical problems and worry. and she has enough of her own stuff going on. extremely important pass/fail 8th grade tests... boyfriend... friends... other things that i don't need to put on here--- but trust me-- she just doesn't need any of this on her plate right now--- unless it turns out that she NEEDS to know. ya know.
but as for soulman... he too is just trying to go on with life-- until we find out IF we need to do anything different --
in the meantime, it seems that both of us are sort of paralyzed . we plan a lot, accomplish little, and wait.
there is a lot of tension. and i do believe that soulkid can feel it. it shows in her attitude. i feel bad for keeping her out of it-- but i also feel that it's right to not make her worry when she may not have to.
anyhow.
there it is.
i'm sorry that i am not keeping up with y'all... like i said it is NOT because i don't want to. it's just that -- it's really a problem for me right now. i think about y'all all the the time. i know that is no where close to the same as talkin to ya.. or checkin in.. and i apologize.
i'll be catchin up-- sooner or later.. i really have to TRY to get my house in order today.. if this gi thing is anything like the last one-- i may end up in bed for a day or two afterwards. my house will surely expload if that happens if it looks like this in the beginning. UGH.
happy sunday peeps...
i saw him a few days later-- he too was more than concerned due to just how much the red blood cell count had dropped in only like 7 months since his last labs. i can't understand this lab stuff-- but his last set read a 36... this set was a 10. the endos previous labs a month or so earlier was a 9.
(whatever-- all i know is that's quite a drop)
so..
1-he sent me for a abdominal ultrasound.. like the very next day. (no results yet)
2-scheduled me for a upper GI--(EGD) scheduled for early a.m. tuesday)
3-and of course the labs on the other day that i mentioned.. i didn't want to make a big deal of what , from experience-- may be nothing-- but the lab paper-- actually was marked (tumor) for the test to be taken. an actual tumor marker test. little scary if you want the truth. -- when i was in NM, and really believed that i had cancer-- because i lost a ton of weight and was very ill.. i requested the (CA-125) which is a tumor marker as well.. mainly for ovarian cancer. but this one the other day? i am not sure of-- i knew nothin about it til i got bored waiting there at the lab and read the sheet. so. i don't know where he might be checking for a tumor this time.
and 4th-- AFTER, all of this is complete--- i will be having yet another colonoscopy. BUT this time it will be the one where you swallow a "capsule". it will show 22 feet of intestine that the regular scope is unable to see. if i remember correctly the capsule is an actually camera.. but i'm not sure. i haven't even googled it. and y'all know-- i am the queen of google.
it's just that THIS time.. i'm flying blind. willingly. this time. i don't want to know. i don't want to worry. i don't want to freak out, i don't want to self diagnose, or go overboard. i always do that, and before i know it-- i'm already dead.
in fact-- all of us here at the crib are acting the same way-- although-- soulkid actually doesn't know ANY of this at all. she has lived most of her life with my medical problems and worry. and she has enough of her own stuff going on. extremely important pass/fail 8th grade tests... boyfriend... friends... other things that i don't need to put on here--- but trust me-- she just doesn't need any of this on her plate right now--- unless it turns out that she NEEDS to know. ya know.
but as for soulman... he too is just trying to go on with life-- until we find out IF we need to do anything different --
in the meantime, it seems that both of us are sort of paralyzed . we plan a lot, accomplish little, and wait.
there is a lot of tension. and i do believe that soulkid can feel it. it shows in her attitude. i feel bad for keeping her out of it-- but i also feel that it's right to not make her worry when she may not have to.
anyhow.
there it is.
i'm sorry that i am not keeping up with y'all... like i said it is NOT because i don't want to. it's just that -- it's really a problem for me right now. i think about y'all all the the time. i know that is no where close to the same as talkin to ya.. or checkin in.. and i apologize.
i'll be catchin up-- sooner or later.. i really have to TRY to get my house in order today.. if this gi thing is anything like the last one-- i may end up in bed for a day or two afterwards. my house will surely expload if that happens if it looks like this in the beginning. UGH.
happy sunday peeps...
18 comments:
Soul, please don't feel guilty about your blog friends. We are here, we understand, and we care about you. The important thing here is you.
I can understand having to undergo tests, wait, more tests - it's paralyzing. Thank you for sharing this with your readers. We are here to support you, laugh and cry with you, and pray for you.
Write when you can and don't worry when you can't. We all love you.
Thanks for telling us what's going on. Now we can all roll up our sleeves and get to work praying for you to get over this obstacle and be well again....you KNOW how powerful it is. Chins up lady...we'll get 'er done. Big hugs - remember that you have a LOT of bloggers out here who really LOVE you. Love, Charlotte
It's not a tumah. :)
Oh don't ya love the waiting. NOT!
It seems like everyone is falling apart.Ditto what they said.
when will you find out something?
I agree ,don't mention it to soulkid unless you have to.
Love you, me
what smocha said.....and everyone else,plus this blog thing is WHERE you are suppose to tell people how ya feel and whats going on....thats one of the reasons i blog... and to bitch about your day ect.. so feel free to say how your feeling...have a great day.
I agree with Mary to not apologize about us blogger buddies. I will be praying for you and if you are up to it and want to post more direct things that we can be praying about please do...please also be treating yourself kind...if you need the nap take it...if you need to emotionally vomit via blog or friends please let yourself do that...try to rest when you can...eat when you can...and let people know what you need or want.....take care.....
You have good reason to be distracted - prayers will be shooting up for you to find some peace.
Hey, I know you're out there and you care. Nothing more needed from you for me. Hang in there and take it easy. We will all be here when you can.
Peace Baby!!
I totally understand your worry. You know I've had my abdominal issues. Even though they said maybe IBS I still worry about cancer. I've had all the tests...sonograms, upper GI, small bowel series, etc...Nothing has showed up, although I was convinced that it would. Wait as best as you can. Try your best not to think the worst. And keep us informed now that we know. I know how isolating worry can make you. You're not alone, OK? We care about you as much as if we were right there with you.
I'm sorry that you are going though all this, Soul. It is understandable that you have not been around as much (I had noticed that) Believe me, kids pick up on stuff even when we try to shelter them from it. They are almost telepathic that way...so maybe just talk to her, but be positive and try not to alarm her as much as possible. We'll be here when you feel like "talking" :)
dont worry about the bloggees...worry about the BLOGGER! get back to us when you know something...im praying that it is good news...but am also hoping that they actually find a reason for all this .....this time.
Concern has been the only thing most of us have felt, I'm sure. I know I've been concerned. I'm so glad you shared what is going on. Like Val said, now we know what to pray for, whether you like it or not. We care about you and we are here, whether you can blog a little or a lot.
Love you soul sista.
Hey,
We are all here to stand by you. It's useless writing tonnes asking you not to worry. Who will not be worried or affected anyway?
But we are all here to walk through this path of uncertainty with you.
Be Brave.
don't worry about all of us, we'll always be here for you...even if you're cranky, down, upset, hurt,happy, sad, giggly, sick, slap happy-well, you get the point. I wish I could understand what you're going through, but I can't, but I can be here for you-in however you want me to be. you're going through so much right now, so again, I am here for you, all of this would suck any energy out of anyone, so naturally why would you have time to surf. Take care of yourself, that's what I want from you. I know how you care about all of us. Plus,..you're wise to listen to your body...I wish more people paid attention to their innerself like you do.
Good luck tomorrow! You are in my prayers and thoughts, and humor and love.
whatever I can do from this state up here, please let me know...you are cared about deeply dear Soul..
I can't begin to tell you how much you've made an impact within my life...
Thank you for you!
Screw order in the house. Go fishing instead! :)
xoxxxoxoxxxo,
Elizabeth
Hey lady.
I don't reckon there is much I can add to what has already been said. I hope your tests come back with an easily treated diagnoses that has you on your feet in no time.
In my opinion, talk to Soul Kid, rather than let her imagination or attitude run wild. Both will. She, like my own son, has been though enough to take this in stride. But left to her own devices, she might come up with something worse than the doctors do!!
xoxo
r.
I must admit I have been worried about your fatigue for a while now and I am happy the docs are investigating possible causes. You are very much missed when you're not around Soul but everyone knows you'll be around when you are able. Meanwhile take care of you, get as much rest as your body wants you to have and please let us know how you're doing ok.
this is a lot of hard stuff to have going on all at once, no matter how much you have dealt with it before. i am a blogging mess myself, so don't feel bad about that. take it one step at a time, and take care of yourself, whatever that may mean. i surely hope you're alright. i know that not knowing is the worst part, but it seems like you are letting go a little by not researching it all yourself, etc, and i think that could be a good thing.
:)
At least the doctors seem to be doing something, being cautious and exploring possibilities. They're doing their job. And your job is to simply take care of yourself and try to think positive. And for crying in the rain, don't have blog guilt. We all love ya!!!
Oh Soul-
I had no idea that you were going thru this...how scary.
I'll be praying that this has a positive outcome and that the doctors will have something definite to tell you. It's terrible knowing that something's wrong, but having no anwer for it.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us.
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