people are strange-- when you're a blogger

mornin people--

i hope y'all are havin good days today-- and no one is freezin any important body parts off.

my heater is on the fritz-- for real. i wasn't just sayin that for bad poetry sake yesterday. i used to wonder how in the world do people just up and abandon their homes , leaving everything behind. now i know. when i was a kid, maybe 10-11 years old; my best friend and i came upon an abandoned house, and of course our curiosity got the better of us, so we had to explore. it was obvious that an entire family lived there, mom, dad, at least 2 kids, maybe 3. it was very eerie to be there, since we were so young, of course all kinds of crap crossed our minds. they were murdered in their sleep. they were kidnapped by devil worshipers. a few more, then the obvious= that they just left, and didn't take anything with them. i still get a weird feeling to think back to walking thru that house. but anyhow-- live and learn. i could do it here. at least i can wish that i could.
i / we , could never afford to replace a lot of this stuff. like furniture and tvs etc that we have bought over the last year. so leaving it behind is really a dumb idea. i'm so used to having used crap. yard sale or hand me down stuff. usually the only thing we would buy new would be beds or computers. we went totally insane last year, and i so freakin regret it.
more than blowing all the money? i regret the new freakin credit--debt--- even more.
if it wouldn't totally destroy us, i would take my car back, and buy a five thousand dollar nissan with cash. i so hate havin a car payment. i got a 7,000 nissan in like 98 or so , and i drove that thing til the wheels fell of (not literally) but close... right after i traded it in , in 05.. someone came to the door tryin to bill me for a tow-- cuz it had broke down and been abandoned somewhere-- ha--no way not my car. that car drove so well, and had so few problems i couldn't believe it. and i even think it was respected more by the clan than the damn new one. after that-- i got a suburu legacy-- for 1500.00 it was like over 10 years old.. i drove it for a year or two-- it had a/c , looked good, i loved that little car... when i sold it-- i even made a fifty dollar profit.
wth??? i just don't need a car like this. it gets more trashed by the week. not by me--except a couple cig burns :(( but they're on the drivers floor, ya can't hardly see em. but i'm talkin about food, and drink stains..and mascara on the back of my seat! ugh. why should i pay for that???
i hate to. i cringe every single time i write the check. i have always loved my car. every car i have ever had--- i loved. even an old fishbowl pacer :)) if it was mine-- i loved it.
my heart isn't in this car-- i have resented it since the night i bought it. today i resent it even more. i'm just not the type of person to have an expensive car-- or a high car payment. i gotta find a way to get out of this mess.

so anyhow-- looks like the weather is gonna turn around a little for the better. at least temp - wise. sposed to be ok today, just cold, but not as bad as the last couple days. then the following couple days may push 60-- but rain. that's ok tho. as long as i can leave the house and do my crap without wearin ten pounds of clothes and a bulky coat. i just may survive.. well, another week or two anyhow.
i sooo really do wish i could live someplace that's warm year round. i just don't know where that someplace is. y'all know my memory, but we used to live in jacksonville--- i kinda remember not needing a coat too often there.... but then i remember workin mid shift on the flight line, and how flippin cold my hands would get. of course-- i wouldn't be workin on planes in the middle of the night this time. that might make the difference. ugh.
well, i guess this is where the job is, so this is where we stay, but i can dream right.


ohhh maan, i just remembered -- i been writin about BS all this time, and haven't even mentioned what i started this whole thing for in the first place. senile much?

anyhow, i checked my site meter-- i do that sometimes out of boredom just to see what folks google to get here. sometimes it's just mundane stuff, not worth mentioning. but today-- i had several.... yes , i said several, as in like four, perverts, finding my page, in search of Sugar -- from survivor 's -- tits ! what is wrong with people. what makes these idiots even think that just because she is on a damn tv show that she is gonna be online half nekkid? doesn't their mamma teach em nuthin? well, actually, i just remembered somethin... they did say she was a pin up girl. maybe she is online half nekkid. hmmm. but regardless, y'all do realize which post they are being directed to don't you....? the one about the sugar tit i wrote a while back. a cry baby post. dumbasses. we should all set em up. get the hugest rolly pollyest nekkid woman, without teeth of course, that we can find.. give it the proper title---- and when these guys look for her-- they will find their real true love. bwa hahahaha.
i just might do that.

so anyhow. what else?
i actually cooked dinner last night. i can't tell you how long it's been since i cooked a decent meal in this house. and it was perfect for the freezin weather. chicken and noodles. yum yum. i shoulda made corn bread, but didn't think of it til it was time to eat. so maybe next time.
nothin gets me cookin better than below freezin temps i guess. i just do not want to open the front door when it's cold like that. i don't know how some of y'all do it. or why you do it. 8, 12, 14 inches of snow... 30 below temperatures... oh my Lord, it would kill me in ten minutes flat. i think i'm more than half serious too. i really don't think my body could physically handle it. i would just drop dead. well, i'm not that lucky-- it would be a slow and painful death, but death would be imminent for sure.

anyhow-- i'm just babblin for babblin sake now.. so i guess i should go get my bills paid and see if i have any christmas money left. :O
if not-- i get paid on christmas eve.. i can really play santa if i have to wait til then. :))
ugh.

will someone come run my life for me? well, manage it i mean. i've done nothin but dig a pit of hell this past year, and it just keeps gettin deeper.

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today
:))

welp i figure i better post before Brad turns blue on us :))

Hmmmm. i don't know y'all. whaddaya think?

i think he looks pretty good in blue. brad papa smurf. or would that be papa brad smurf?


anyhow--- there's brad-- hopefully i got here in time. :))

how the hell have ya been people?? !!!
i hope everything is good -- everywhere.
i haven't made it very far--or very often around blogland lately, so i am sorry if i've missed anything important. i have kept up with a few of you a little-- and that has been good, but i wish things could be better for a couple of you-- and i'm sure it's that way for some i haven't kept up with.

this has really been a shitty year as a whole, i would say. for many people i know, not only myself. it just has. some has been financial, some medical, some folks lost someone they love, or watched as someone they love lost someone. kids have gotten bigger-- and found bigger problems-- for their self , and their parents.
it seems there's been a lot of heartache in 2008. i will be extremely happy to watch it go out. this is one New Years Eve that i may actually force myself to go out and celebrate. that means somethin-- i haven't gon out for new years, since soulkid was born. hmm. come to think of it- there's a lot of things i haven't done since soulkid was born. but that doesn't really matter here. just kinda fell out.
oh by the way, i think i said it before here recently, so maybe as a reminder to myself this New Years :

STEP AWAY FROM

THE BAD LUCK PEAS !!!!!

i really do blame the freakin black eyed peas i ate for New Years. It was a tradition i had heard of, and had many people ask me if i followed it. i always said, hmm why no, no do not eat black eyed peas on new years for good luck, i oughtta try that sometime.
well folks... i did try it sometime. that time was 2008 new years. and the year came in by putting my best dog ever to sleep. i had that dog for like 13 years-- she was a fifteen year old black lab, she was my soul-mate. she is where i got the name "soul-mange".. not that that's a good name... but shortly after i got her.. she got pregnant by our other dog Aztec== a shephard. well, Midnight, my dog, ended up having TEN puppies. she dug a CAVE under my back patio, big enough for me and two of YOU to get under. and she had her pups under there. well, i was told it had something to do with the dirt-or something in it (there) -- combined with her genes (?) or something-- caused her and all ten puppies to get mange. it was the saddest animal thing i think i may have seen -- up to that point. well.. there was another-- but i won't tell you about that right now. anyhow-- yep-- i took the puppies at about 6 weeks, maybe to the animal shelter, they said it was mange, and they would have to put all ten down. i left there so sad. it just was sad. but i of course kept midnight. i took her to the vet-- at first they said it was ringworm or some crap.. so i treated her for that. but she continued to lose weight-- along with all her hair. she would just sit there and look all pitiful and helpless, and scratch herself, and it just made me want to cry. i told someone one day that i was just gonna have to have someone take her out and shoot her or something. we didn't have the money then to "do it right". she told me to take her one more time to a different doggie dr. i almost didn't. i almost had my mind made up. it was such a tough decision as it were. i loved that dog. i loved her the minute i saw her. meeting that dog, might just be the most vivid memory i have. well.. it sure is one of them. but i remember everything about it. well, anyhow--- i worked back then, and kept the company truck at night, so when i left that day- i just picked up midnight and took her to a different dog dr. he gave her the proper diagnosis of whatever word for hereditary /mange. he gave -- well of course i mean sold.... me some of the best magical shampoo and vitamins a dog--or dog mom could pray for--- and it brought my midnight back to life!!! it was amazing. it took maybe a week for her to look like a dog again, and get some hair etc and stop the god awful scratching... but after that--and another week of the magic soap baths? she was perfect all over again.
she had the best life any spoiled miracle soul dog could ever wish for too. i bet i treated that dog better than my own husband :))

anyhow---
that is not what i intended to write when i sat here---- but i don't think what i intend to write ever ends up here anyways.

but -- i must go now-- time to go round up the soulkid from school.

catchya later folks-

brad? you ok man??

i miss my dad

he would know just the right thing to say or do right now. i don't know why i think that. i just do.
i barely knew him really. i spent little time with him in my life. but i sure wish i could have one hour with him today.

he died before soulkid was born. but i just know that he would have been really good for her. and her for him. my dad had four daughters. me, smocha, and two others from a first wife. he was cheated out of watching all of us grow , marry, everything. each relationship he had with any of us girls was formed or mended within his last couple years of life. he told me of his regrets of that... and how he would have changed it if he could have. well, i would have changed it too-- if my mother didn't make him out to be the devil for the first 20 years of my life. i hate her for that. out of every terrible thing she said or did to me--- i hate her for costing me my father.

it's too late now. he's gone. and i can't change that. but i know he was a smart man. a loving man. and i know that he would know just what to say or do to help my kid right now. because i sure don't.

i don't know anything, except that my little family is not anything like i ever thought it would be right now. and i don't know how to fix it.

hubby may have broke his hand last night. he punched a wall. stupid, yes. he knows it too. but really, it looks pretty bad, and he has to see a dr today for it.

we're all just fallin apart here. the soul ship is sinking, and i am afraid that it won't be salvageable.

yesterday, i pretended i was alive and i decorated my office. finally, after living here for almost a year. i put my nautical things and some pictures out etc. today i need to vacuum the floor and maybe i'll put up a pic. the nautical theme is from my dad. and a lot of the things i have were his. he is on my mind a lot.

i think i may pretend to be alive again today and hit the pond for a while. i feel like a sack of rice still, and i bet i could go back to bed for the rest of the day--- but i can't keep doin that. i have to live. i can't let this kill me, altho i do feel dead already.
maybe if i get this shithole cleaned up, get all the damn dirty laundry on my kitchen floor washed and outta there.. and pretend that i have a life-- just maybe i will feel like the next breath is worthwhile... but if i keep on sittin around here, waiting for the next horrible thing to happen, nothing is ever gonna get better.

this is makin my head hurt. i'll be back later.
sorry i'm not keepin up with your comments or pages-- i am readin tho-- and i appreciate every one of you !

one of these days i'll be me again. i hope.