still wednesday---

ok, so y'all aren't in the fishin mood today. how bout we talk about email for a sec?
if i owe you an email, and you haven't heard from me... this might be why...
i copied this from my first page of my inbox :

Messages 1-50 of 2532.

that's right-- you didn't read it wrong. that is how many emails are waiting for attention in my in-box. lazy much? it has gotten so out of hand i can't even face it now. i just flag them, intending on "gettin to em later" .... well, it is just at the point of no return now. along with being downright wrong , and neglectful. if i didn't have bills and receipts etc in there... i'd just hit the delete button about thirty times-- and apologize to whoever deserves it-- which is almost everyone i know. then i would start fresh-- i would hope.... with an empty in-box that i could actually manage.
if it helps at all--- i fell behind when my lung exploded -- (did it help?) ya, i didn't think so. i spose i just lack in the keeping up with my peeps department.
anyhow--- i've been trying lately to keep up better-- if you've noticed? if it matters.
even if it doesn't i still apologize.

ok...anyhow-- what else? i'm sure that's more than enough of that.

anyone here from Michigan? i know some of ya know angie. she's my friend from up there. she's comin out here to roast real soon.. oh i mean to visit. it will be our first time meeting in person. from what i know of her so far from blogs, email and such... she seems like a most awesome and interesting person. not sure if ya know this-- but she is a rocket scientist. for real. that is just cool to me. i don't know if it's the aircraft mechanic in me-- or if it's just something that fascinates me. (that kinda stuff always has really, since i was a kid. when i got out of the navy i applied for a job in california to work with the space shuttle..not on the crew of course-- but for the supply or maintenance crew-- but that of course didn't work out. they don't hire fishing sloths.
but anyhow-- the original invitation for her to come out here involved a job-- of helping me sort and pack , and dispose of many things in my garage-- and some other areas --as we are getting ready to move , and buy a house real soon. i was actually surprised when she said yes-- and so quickly too. i have given her many outs on the working part of her visit, as it is only a few days-- i would much rather play while she's here... but she is dead set on helping me get stuff done-- so that's what we'll do. but bygummit-- we will find time to let her get her a big ole texas bass before she leaves.
ooops, more fish i forgot y'all weren't in the fish mood.. cept motha.... she loves me. :))
i fish, therefore, i am.
i am what?
senile?
a sloth?
late -- again? yes that's it- i gotta go to the doctah.

that's prolly a good thing-- cuz i just can't keep my head screwed on straight today. i have scrambled eggs up there today. too much on my mind. even with a list, i can't figure out what i'm supposed to be doin. i think i just need to go fishin. i been wanting to all day long. it's a perfect day for it. but i have been too busy.

ok-- i need to get goin.

i'll be around later on.

OMG

i was sittin here -- payin bills, catchin facebook messages as they came in, just mindin my own business... when i came across

THIS:

Fishing at Lake Fork, Texas with Guide Robert Littlejohn, Josh KuyKendall caught this monster bass. It weighed 13.2 lbs, was 26 inches long and had a 22 in. girth. It was caught June 5, 2009 at 9:00 pm.

(y'all KNOW that's my dream bass!!!!!)

ok-- i will release you to your regularly scheduled day -- for now. i shall return, when i am done with my "stuff".

laterz taterz

MISC. MORNING BLABBERING

that was then.
who woulda ever thought that this
little dude woulda turned into

THIS little guy?
not so little eh?

but, this is now.

aren't they adorable?

and hopefully
happiness forever.

(did i cry when i saw the pix?
i'll never tell. :))

ok.. on to other things.... someone mentioned they hoped i could sleep off yesterdays migraine. well.. did i? you betchya! i slept from about about 1230 or 1 until... this morning at like 7 a.m. !! the migraine is gone -- but now i can't move for the friggin back and neck pain. someone really just nees to take me out and shoot me like some ole glue factory horse--- i aint worth anymor than that lately.
these past four days our so -- i am totally useless. the pain and tiredness is killin me.
and i really don't know why i'm so dang tired. i've been sleeping pretty good at night--- but i have been sleeping for hours during the day too. and this is the week i really need to be cleaning my house-- to make it presentable for company! i have been overcome by pain this week though, maybe that has somethin to do with it-- i had three migraine days in a row-- cramps-- and back pain. four days of pure hell.

ok... whine fest over.

oh-- summer school... i don't even remember if i mentioned the outcome of that-- it's a yes. she started yesterday. good thing tho? somehow, i got out of paying this time. i don't know how-- i think it has something to do with her not attending the full year. as she was enrolled and disenrolled a couple times. anyhow-- otherwise i woulda had to pay like 200.00. ugh. thank God for small..ok big.. favors. so yep-- 7:50- noon for three weeks. she was pretty upset at first -- obviously. but after realizing, that she would have a chance at catching up-- if she actually worked hard-- if she did her work in summer school-- and one semester at this school next year-- she would actually be able to NOT repeat the full 9th grade next year. she could just do one semester-- or less, as they work at their own pace at this school. she could move into the tenth grade as soon as she was caught up. it wouldn't work that way if she went into 9th at a regular school next year. partly, because she wouldn't have the same motivation, and partly because it just wouldn't work that way. so by the 10th grade golden carrot being dangled in front of her-- i think she will work hard, and do well. at least i hope so. i also think she is finally accepting responsibility for where she's at right now. she messed up and she knows it. we did more than our part to help her. it's her turn now. and other than school.. she is doing good for now-- and lately. so i'm just gonna do what i can, and the rest is her responsibility.

well, hmmmm... it kinda sucks when ya sleep half your life away-- i don't think i have much else to say right now. i do have a ton of laundry to do though.. along with other housework. my fridge is still sparklin clean..and mostly empty :)) i need to get groceries, and do what cleaning i can before i suffer the mysterious burnout.
really the nap thing used to be a way of life for me, but this is gettin bad lately. no way should i be sleepin 14 hours straight.. it's only been that bad a few times... but that is just wrong. and four or five hour naps? not likin that either. i even switched my meds around the the drowsy ones i take at night.. and a few nights i have even been-- or fallen asleep without them... it's been literally years since i've slept through the night without meds. WTH? if i hadn't gained all this weight i'd be thinkin i might need to see a doctor... but i'm too fat to be sick. what to do, what to do.

anyhow peeps... i'll get into my comment boxes and reply real quick, then i gotta get some work done before i gotta go get my child.

happy tuesday!

todays post is comin up later on

i feel like crap--- i have a migraine-- and i can't see out of one eye (because of the migraine)
i have new wedding pix to post-- they looked mahvelous. sucks we didn't get to go.
*tear*
catch ya later.
have happy days.

things that make ya go hmmmmmmm- and stuff

i am now an aunt in law--- my youngest nephew got married yesterday--- congrats to him and the new bride. this is the only wedding pic i have seen so far. and i only saw it cuz i stumbled upon it on facebook/ boy, i sure feel special. i haven't seen the bride and- or groom yet. but these guys sure look nice. don't they?
the one on the left, that's my eldest nephew-- the one on the right-- he's the middle nephew-- and the one in the middle-- i do not know. and , like i said , the baby, was married.
the only pic i found of him was this one :)) it makes me laugh.. because my pre-wedding pic that was taken of me, was a little similar to this one-- i'm not sure who he was -- if anyone-- emailing or talkin to-- but in mine-- i was also sittin on the bed, half ready, lookin likea nervous wreck, toothbrush in my mouth, and talking to my dad on the phone. i don't know where that pic is-- or i would post them together-- but here he is--

it's hard to believe that he's married now. even if it has only been a day.
all these boys just feel like my own. i love them so much-- the sad thing is-- i have missed so much of them growing up. i spent a lot of their younger lives with them.. living with them, visiting them. etc. but as time went by-- and especially when i joined the navy-- i began to miss more and more. and now that they are grown, it's near impossible to even see them once a year.

we really wanted to go to the wedding. my daughter was even supposed to be -- i don't even know what she was to be called-- not a brides maid-- is it? i don't know. but she was so looking forward to it-- and so proud to have been asked . but for us to be saving money for a house-- it just couldn't be done. not with flight prices, and hotel, and a car, and food. ugh. it broke her heart-- and ours to not be able to go-- especially since in the beginning, a few months ago-- we thought , and planned on going.

i didn't have the opportunity to see any of these boys graduate high school, and now i have missed the firsts wedding. i sure do love them though.. i just hope they all know how much. sometimes things just get in the way.

anyhow-- as soon as someone sends me a photo of the dressed up bride and groom.. i will post it. and i bet i will cry.
hmmmmm.

so. hmmmm-ing on.
yesterday, we did go house-hunting. AND fishing. AND the soul-child was set free. just like i knew she would be. she was un-grounded for good behavior. :)) the kid actually cleaned-- i was shocked.

things that make ya go hmmmm, eh?

so-- about the houses first huh-- we saw some really nice nice ones. i flat fell in love with on of em. i was totally shocked at the price too. bad thing first-- it was a two story. i don't do stairs well. (physically). and most of the house was upstairs. not much i would really need to use though-- except -- for a fee..... you could get a "media room. it was so awesome. and as many movies as i like to watch, i woulda really liked to have it. not sure if we could have afforded it... but i woulda sure tried. anyhow-- upstairs, was, an extra living room...or a game room, whichever ya wanted to make it-- but it was loft like-- not closed off to the down-stairs. but it was really nice. it of course had railings so no one could fall off, but music, or a loud tv, or something woulda been bothersome to downstairs. it was just really nice though. also up there was three bedrooms, and the media room. and a full bathroom. downstairs was of course the living room, kitchen-- i loved the way the kitchen was set up.. there was also a front room that looked out FRONT-- that is so difficult to find here for some reason. they build houses so stupid here. but my first thought was THAT IS MY OFFICE. perfect size-- nice windows.. my stuff woulda fit great in there and looked good too (being the first room ya see when ya walk in)-- it also had a little "mud room, and a nice sized laundry room... mine here is so small..i hate to even walk in it. the master bath was downstairs-- which is a MUST HAVE IF we end up with a upstairs or a loft style anyhow. it had a great closet-and was bigger than the one we have now. we would have room for a chair or loveseat to watch tv or read. it had a dining area with lots of windows... it was just soooo awesome. we walked through it like three times. but we kept thinkin it just has to be waaay over our budget. it must be around 250-300,000. we finally got the nerve to ask. it was 158,580. i couldn't believe it. (the media room added an extra 11,000---which is over our loan amount---so it's kinda iffy. well...very iffy...unless we could have em build it to where that could still be built on later.
BUT--- we decided to pass. but it's a gorgeous home, and i would love to have it-- media room and all. it's just a damn good thing we hadn't been approved for the loan yet-- or i woulda jumped all over it. --- it's just in the wrong area for us. ugh.
i gotta say-- it's the nicest house i ever could actually see us livin in. the price was more than shocking. brand new. not even built. it'd be four months out to be built.
ugh.
hmmmmmmmm.

so anyhow-- we drove a lot lookin at houses, and did see other nice ones that we looked. but that house really spoiled me. we did see another one in our price range that i really liked-- the back yard was gorgeous, actually landscaped... we have always had crappy yards. always. patchy grass. dead grass. no grass. cannis over growth. this yard took my breath away. the paint scheme-- yes they actually had colors-- every room was different--and so pretty, i almost fainted. i don't have the ,mind to come up with that kinda thing-- nor do i have the physical strength these days to paint one room, much less a entire house. but i loved it. i coulda jumped on that one too-- BUT-- we decided the rooms were a bit too small. we woulda even had to sell our king bed and go back to a queen if we got that one. so we decided naaaah.

anyhow-- we did see a lot of houses, and several we liked, but i think we need to keep lookin. there is an area near hubbys work..which is also near most of my dr's , that i have really liked since we moved here , way back in 99.. we need to look over there. we keep thinkin, we have to keep soulkid in her school district. well i came to the decision yesterday-- screw her school district-- this area is where she almost killed herself, went to jail, etc etc etc. she won't even live there but a few years. we need to look for a house that WE are gonna live forever--- she'll just have to deal with it.
hmmmmmmmm.

oh.. as far as fishin.. we let the kid spend the night with a friend and go to the mall, and all that girlie stuff... and we went fishin. i don't know where we found the energy-- but we did. we fished for a couple hours, and caught nuthing. our pond sucks anymore. time to find a new one. i think next time i go i will go back to where i broke my rod . there's big fish in there still. and they have my name on em. we have also decided that when we get on the boat-- prolly when angie comes -- hopefully we'll get some nice fish then and we'll bring em back and stick them in the pond. some jerk -- or jerks have been keeping them..and i'm just broken hearted about that. the fishin just stinks there anymore. no more four pounders . i hope whoever kept em got mercury poisoning--well, as long as it didn't kill em. just the poops or somethin ya know.
hmmmmm.

i think that about catches yall up. oh cept tomorrow we find out for sure about summer school. i shall let ya know if i hang the kid from the town clock or not.
hmmmm.

damn...i just realized the time--- i haven't eaten today and i am starved! someone come take me out to eat!!!
:))

hope y'all had great days today.
mines about over.
i have cramps and i am lazy---

i rule this house with an iron paperclip - dammit

and i demand respect. is it any wonder that i don't get any? ya, i didn't think so.

i spent half the day yesterday working -- in the house, and on business stuff. but early on in the midst of my business calls, i got some , well , messed up news. which really wouldn't have bothered me -- much -- if i wouldn't have been lied to about it like a week ago. but i was. so when i was told about it over the phone -- let's just say i came unglued. oh, well.. you prolly need more info don't you? well.. soulkid has gone to summer school for like the last two years -- we're used to it, she should be used to it-- it just seems to be the way things go. if she would have told me about it, i woulda just said bummer, how much does it cost, and i woulda sucked it up, and made any future plans for the month around it. just like always. BUT... that isn't how it happened.
she came up with a story about it being optional, and costing 150.00 per class, and also said she did not have to go, since she would not be going to this same school next year. y'all know how cheapskate i am. i was just glad we wouldn't have to fork over like 600.00 smackers for three weeks of summer school. so i didn't bring it up again.
dum, dum, dum.... til yesterday on the phone. when the lady asked me-- will she be attending the summer program? i say... no....ummm, well... does she have to? she says, let me check her records--- yes, yes she does. i said was a letter sent home for me to sign??? --- yes a form was sent home , about a week ago. --- oh, reallllly??
i was getting madder and madder by the second. the reason i was calling in the first place? was to get her papers-- so that she could go to drivers ed. once again, i find out something negative-- trying to do something FOR her. it was just like the times i would go in her room to get towels or laundry-- and find -- "other things".
i also found out that her grades and attendance may prevent her from even getting to go to drivers ed. ERG. not, a nice phone call... but i was able to keep my composure. so i spose we could say at least I am getting better through all this shit.
BUT when i called her out to confront her with it??? it did NOT go as smoothly.
why i expected it to--- i have no idea.
it wasn't the summer school that upset me. she can go to summer school for the rest of her life for all i care-- next year she may have a job-- if that's the case-- she can even pay for it herself. the part that had me upset ? she lied. and the lieing is a huge part of what we are trying to put a stop to around her after all we have gone through this past year. we will never get this family back on its feet if the bs lieing continues.
i was highly pissed.
so i get her out here-- and i grounded her-- not for summer school--- but for lieing about it. for threading her little tale about it. and for "losing" the form that was sent home.
let the yelling begin.--- not by me. i was cool as a cucumber. until she she dropped the F - bomb-- at me.
i fired back-- she fired back--
i sent her outta here with a list of chores to do---
and need i say--- that NOT ONE THING on that list was done???
i'm not surprised.

then later when dad got home-- i thought he might "talk to her"
but he's of course her ali. he talked to her about fighting with me-- but nothing else.

then later-- like really late-- 1 a.m. one of her friends father was arrested-- yes arrested-- i don't know-- for a warrent or something. i don't know how long he will be in jail... but the little brother and sister got picked up by mom who lives somewhere else-- guess who has the friend-- yep , you guessed it. we inherited a kid. WTH??
i do not mind helping out at all-- don't take that wrong. but what i'm saying is-- with one of her best friends LIVING here? wth kinda grounding is that?? how the hell am i to expect her to get one lick of chores done???

AND i have angie coming... i want my house to be clean... two teens here? omg-- mine is messy enough-- if the other stays that long-- ???? angie will walk straight into hell.
but-- that part can't be helped. the extra kid i mean. the mess? i'm gonna have to find a backbone. too bad it's frickin broke! it aint yellow--- really. i just don't have the strength to argue all day.

sooooo... that was my yesterday---
i really wanted to get the hell outta here today and fish some in the peace and quiet--
but hubby wants to house hunt-- just drive around and look.. so i think we're headed out to do that.

GAWD i hate waiting to hear about this loan. why do they take so frickin long??
i'm havin a nervous breakdown.
not for real peeps.. calm down. i'm ok. just stressed a little.

'll talk to ya lata...

oh it just keeps gettin better

this day started out fairly well...
but now, i think it's safe to say--- it just can't get much worse.

well... maybe if i was abducted, and probed by aliens.
eeewwweee.
i need a nap.
maybe after--or if i do my dishes.
ugh.

btw
happy friday y'all

oh really ?

well, i got your gramma right here --



would y'all believe, i went into school today, to get my child... my FIFTEEN year old child.... and the lady there, asked me if i was mom, OR "Gramma"? UGH. ERG!
i actually uttered the words of shock... OH...MY...GAWD. i'm her mom. i nearly fainted. i really must look like utter hell. gramma? never in my life has anyone asked if i was ANYONES gramma. i am truly OLD.
would you like to hear what's funny about this? just last night hubby was telling me that before he had lost weight-- he is really close to forty pounds now. which is really awesome for him. but anyhow--- he said people would guess his age closer to fifty-- recently when his age is guessed it has been more often than not in his mid to late thirties. he really is lookin tons better-- feelin better-- and i have noticed, he has stopped snoring--and his rosacia has cleared up .
sooooo--- while he's gettin all skinny and young lookin---- what am i doin? i'm gettin fat and old and granny like. somebody just kill me now.
holy crap i'm livin a nightmare.
pass the moo moo- and pink hair curlers -- don't forget the pink fluffy slippers, and black poodle with the crusty eyes.
i think i'll take a pain pill now that my back is all tied in knots ---- just in time for wally hell.
what a fine day this is.
hope y'alls is better---
why don't ya tell me about it... ?

school is out here tomorrow-- how bout at your place--if ya got kids?

fact-fiction- superstitions - or just plane weird

once upon a time ,i was eight months pregnant, when standing in line at a store, paying for a few items i noticed someone i know standing behind me. We began to talk to each other. small talk at first. She and the - also pregnant friend she is with, are on their way to see a movie at the theater. it just so happens to be a movie i had recently seen; about a pregnant woman, on a passenger ship, set back a hundred years or so, similar to The Titanic, but not. the entire thing was about babies; the conversation, the "characters, and the items being purchased by all of us. as i realized our conversation was holding up the line at the cashier , i grabbed up my bag, and began to walk away, all saying our goodbyes, and see ya laters etc. when i heard something fall. - my phone? the tv remote? i fumbled for what fell on the ground, it was the remote... barely visible, i saw the 3:23 a.m on the clock. and i was up. you just don't understand how happy i was to find that i was dreaming! but no more sleepin after that.
it's been thundering outside ever since. loud--rollin, clappin thunder.

i wonder just what kind of day lies ahead of me.

so far, it all seems kinda strange.

what did you dream about?????

here fishy fishy

since i made a fool of myself this morning-- as i was attempting to NOT make a fool of myself, and get my pix posted in time. because i was late the last two times and didn't ever get em posted. so anyhow--- i went fishin. i also decided to go somewhere i hadn't been before, just to see if it was any good. since my spots have been suckin pretty bad lately. so i go over over there, it's pretty close to home. i was the first one there, but by the time i had tied two different rods, there were two guys there already fishin . ugh. i thought i was ruined-- but i got fish on my first--and my second casts. i was on a roll. and boy, i thought, after that second fish that i was gonna get a bunch of decent fish and really out fish these guys-- who hadn't even caught one yet.
well, i should have kept my mouth shut. well, my thoughts really. cuz the second fish snapped the end of my rod right OFF. i tried to fish a while longer-- but all they were interested in was the rod that just got broke. my drop-shot rod. ERG. i threw just about everything else i could think of.. but i didn't have another drop shot--so i was screwed, and left.

but anyhow-- wanna see what i got? i didn't get a pic of the second one-- cuz once he snapped the rod, and came off, he rolled right down the hill and smack into the pond.. with a very kind screw you to me, i might add. the little shit.
anyhow-- here ya go--

"senile" photo challenge - beauty is in the eye of the beholder -

welp folks-- i ran out of time again in getting fresh photos for this, so here are some i already had in my files... next time-- i will get new pix. i meant to this time -- but as usual, i was playin catch up-- and never got caught up. musta been that darn nap yesterday. actually, it may have been a coma. i'm not sure. :))

ok here's the pix---

the first is not something i think i would be the beholder in. but many other people do think snow is beautiful. this was taken in Iowa, on a trip i took out there to visit "dear liza" for a few days... i am not a snow person...especially when it comes to drivin in it. i drove on a sheet of ice for like 2 hours..maybe an hour and a half. my hands hurt for days due to the death grip i had on the steering wheel.













yep, that was some fun stuff. :))



here, on the other hand IS somethin that would be "in the eye of the beholder"
to0 . i caught this thing myself night fishin-- with a plastic worm... it was really wild.. and so far-- from the research, and people i have asked personally-- a first. far as i know-- nobody else has caught a "clam" on a hook, and plastic bait. it's just so rare, and cool -- that's it's beautiful :)) to me.












(isn't that a song? a bad song? by bube`
--- you're beautiful, to meeee')
ok, nevermind. :))


alrighty, i saved the very best for for last---
i just may have been the only person
alive who actually saw the beauty in this dog.
this is my Midnight. she isn't "with us" anymore.
but we gave her the best life we possible could have.
she was abused when we got her. it was horrible to watch her, and very hard
to earn her trust. it took literally years for that dog to KNOW that she was safe with us, and we wouldn't hurt her. she was definitely MY dog from the begining.
from the first second our eyes met. we connected. i told her owners that day i wanted her-- within two weeks they called and said i could have her.
i jumped on it-- and picked her up within 20 minutes.
she was the best dog i ever had.













she had a flea allergy, some kind of skin condition, and early on after we got her..she almost died from mange. we did everything and anything we could to make her comfortable during these times of sheer misery , when her hair would fall out and she would be itchy and have hot spots. it was always so sad to watch.
but that was one good thing about moving to NM.. somehow it helped her skin problem. she actually looked and felt pretty good there.
anyhow-- i really loved that dog. and she knew it. i miss her. she just got old and sick. it was time. it was inhumane to keep her around just cuz i wanted her here.


so-- there's my pix .
and some blabbering narration to go with em.
seeeeee-ya

here's a little meme that Donna wanted me to do - i aim to please :))

Three names I go by:

1. mom
2. soul
3. brezz -- and brenda :))

Three Jobs I've had in my life:

1. Fast food hell
2. exterminator / bug lady
3. aircraft engine mechanic (in the Navy)


Three places I've lived:

1. san diego, ca
2. orange park , fl
3. watauga, tx


Three TV Shows I watch:

1. house
2. lie to me
3. judge judy

Three places I've been:

1. diego garcia (british indian ocean territory) USN
2. subic bay , philipines
3. jail :)) (only overnight peeps , don't hate me)

Three People who e-mail me regularly:

1. donna
2. angie
3. smocha
(in no particular order)



Three of my favorite foods:
1. smoked brisket
2. rib-eye steak
3. lobster
it asked for faves-- doesn't mean i eat em every day :))
that would be more like-
cereal
chef boy r dee
chicken
blah

Three friends I think will respond:

1. whoever
2. wants
3. it



Three Things I'm looking forward to:

1. Angie gettin her butt out here!
2. buyin a house---preferably one we all will love
3. gettin my life and body back under control (it's been a tough couple years --- i'm really hoping for things to change soon.

fax illiterate, attentention to detail deficit disorder and other random crap-

i know y'all know what this is:

i can probably safely bet that many of you even
have one in your own home.
right?

i bet i can even even safely say that almost all of you
know how to properly, and efficiently use one.
correct?

well, guess what?
i'm not like you people out there.
nope.
i am fax machine illiterate.
i have fax attention deficit disorder.
my attempt at faxing #22 pages of loan aps and paperwork
yesterday, was nothing short of a disaster.
a public show of my ice age knowledge of the electronic age.
not to mention a quite humiliating experience.
and above all--- expensive as hell.

has anyone used a public- pay for use fax machine lately?
i faxed 20 pages-- it cost me over 20.00!!
whaddabunchacrappppp!
they have fax machines you can BUY for like just over 100.00!
what kind of scam is that?
yet people-- like me-- do it.
wanna know the worst part?
i HAVE a perfectly fine fax machine out in my garage--
somewhere. in a box. still to be unpacked from our move from NM.
ugh.
but anyhow-- i finally got it all done - and sent-
and am now waiting to hear from the
good news fairy.
think there is one? let there be one.

ok-- what else?
this carpool crap never ever works out for us.
i think it's a set up. a conspiracy of sorts.
we've tried this sort of thing before,
then the other parent has some sort of change
and we end up still doing the driving--
with NO benefit for us.
in fact-- it ends up that we go out of our way,
and the other parent does nothing.
how does that happen?
this latest "carpool adventure"
was supposed to be soulkid get piucked up and taken to school
and i pick up and drop off after school....
sounds simple enough , right?
wroooong.
the other dad , just this week decides to show up-
unannounced like 20 minutes early and expect MY lally gaggin child to be ready!
NOT gonna happen, ever. she barely gets out the door on time as it is.
she has always been hard to get motivated in the morning, and now, he decides to
come almost half an hour early. nope. i'm not gonna go thru that hassle. not gonna drag her outta bed early-- or argue for that extra half hour rushing her.
so, that little idea went out the window---
so guess what?
i still drive her in... AND take HIS kid home.
how damn convenient is that?
am i just too friggin nice or what?
i would like to think it's nice--
and not being a doormat.
i mean the kid lives like two blocks away. it really isn't a big deal.
just principals.
and another thing-- i just don't like drivin other kids around.
especially after school-
my kid will ask for a drink or food-- and i either end up
buying for two or three-
or making her wait til i get rid of the rest of them.
making myself out to look poor- or miserly.
but really-- it's not my job to feed these kids.
i do it sometimes- but i can't do it everyday-
ugh.
i'm startin to look forward to school gettin out-
june 4th.. good lawd it's comin quick.

we decided against her doin summer school this year.
we have a choice at least this time.
but if she were to go? its 150.00 per class- and she would have four.
it just aint happenin.
i can't believe they charge for summer school here.
stupid.
the saddest part -- for me-- about all this school crap-
she has definitely failed the 9th grade.
i just can't believe it.
all because of the bad choices, and bad attitude she had for the
first three 1/4's of the year.
we all know she woulda flown thru--
but she just gave up.
that really makes me sad.


well anyways.. time to hit the street--speekin of school.
i'll be back.

holy hell, feel the burn !!!

i can't believe how fast this day is going by. and i had such big plans too. bill paying, errand running, po box checking, grocery shopping-- yes, at wally hell. ugh. do y'all think i have accomplished any of it? you're right. i have not. i have managed to SORT the bills, from what needs paid today, vs next week. i have balanced my checkbook-- i was only $7.01 off--in the banks favor of course. i made some important phone calls, and confirmed angies visit dates. woo hoo! that makes runnin out of time worthwile. but it only took like fifteen minutes to read and write a couple emails... so that's no excuse for not accomplishing my "list". nor does it make me feel one "iota" compensated for this damn burning in my back and neck that i have had goin on for the past three hours. OMG i think i may self combust at any moment. WTF people??? i know it's nerve pain, i also know little can be done about it. i just hate it hate it hate it. i have prolly od'd on muscle relaxers-- they've done nothing... well.. aside from the initial maybe half hour relief. someone please just kill me now.
ok-- i'll stop cryin. i just needed to bitch. you know how i am. just love me.
there is some good news to report-- ya wanna hear??? i am fixin to leave to go to hubbys work to pick up some paperwork---- that's why all the above whining sounded like my day was over--- even tho i don't head out for my child til 130.
-- what kind of paperwork? -- you may ask... well--- we've been workin on gettin a home loan.... i really hate to jump the gun--- especially after i was sayin what a realist i am the other day---- but yesterday , the lady i have been workin with sounded very optomistic about us gettin approved. and that was without paying anything off--or down. so if we hit a glitch, we are in a position to pay something off or whatever would help, ya know? soooo.... it looks like we are gonna be gettin into a house soon. our own house. wow-- it feels good to say that again. we've been renting for almost five years-- and each place has had issues. ugh. even the last place we owned had issues. talk about a money pit. i'm so ready to own my own house. i really don't want to get too excited too soon. or count my chickens before they hatch kinda thing. hell, we haven't even looked around yet. only maybe one place--til we realized it was way out in the sticks. hubby has looked at some.
crap-- i'm ramblin.. i gotta go-- i'll write more later on.

would i lie to y'all?

i told ya-- i get fatter by the damn day--
i think it has somethin to do with the blood clot-- or the coumadin.
the first pic is before the clot. also before my hair got out of hand -- ugh-

that is what i want to look like again.
soon.

this one--- i'm not too sure about , but i think it may be
last summer-
along with the "everyone bein home weight gain"
but i still fit in my clothes!

BUT THIS!
OMG---
i weigh what i did before i got sick a few years ago when we moved to NM.
and it came on fast.
and i hate my hair.
i'm just miserable with my appearance and my lack of energy.

but-- there's good days, along with the bad.
sometimes i even feel like i lost a few pounds--
until the next day-- when i feel like i put on ten more pounds in my sleep !
WTF??

so, there ya have it charlotte.
tell me i don't need a moo moo

i'm startin my diet tomorrow--
hahahahahaha, i know-- it's as funny to me as it is to you-
but it must be done. i just had to wait til after i had my baby back ribs--
and PB M&M's :))

hope y'all had good weekends, and start your weeks off on a good note!
latah

and the fatness rolls...

i have good news-- and i have bad news---
the good news?
i got a fishy-- i got a fishy--- la la la la la...


so anyhow--- yep i couldn't resist. all the talk about goin fishin, i just had to. so i did. i fished the creek first, and lost at least three or four. i think they were perch. they were just to sneaky. so i moved on down the road to the pond. it took a while, but i got me one.

SEE?

not huge- but not bad either-
the fish, i mean.

ME, on the other hand -
am huge-- and bad.
:))

(do i look fat when i fish?)

i sure wish i could figure out why, and do somethin about it.
ugh-

i didn't feel to bad when i got home. not like lately.. bein all tired and ruined after goin somewhere-- especially fishin or shoppin or somewhere like that. so i told soulman i'd go see a movie with him while the girls shopped at the mall. but needless to say , in the hour or so it took them to finish gettin ready to go-- the more tired i got. so i back peddled my way out of that little deal. i just didn't want to spend ten bucks to sit in a theater and nap. which is what i knew would happen.
and that's about what i did too. as soon as they left i ate some lunch, and went to bed--- for hours. they left around noon--- i woke up at SIX !!! WTH is wrong with me lately. i wish i knew. seems like i wish i knew a lot lately huh? but, i know not a damn thing. not about me, or anyone else.

so tell me--- whatchya up to?
i'm just workin, and sleepin, and doin a little bit of fishin, a very little bit of catchin, havin some trouble sleepin at night-- prolly cuz i'm sleepin in the day... havin weird dreams--- the weird part of that-- is i remember them. i usually don't.
there's just weird stuff goin on. i reckon it'll change eventually-- all things do -- right?

welp peoples--- i think i shall attempt to go to bed. i think i was waking up pretty close to now this morning. how frustrating. i thought folks got more routine-ized in their old age. why am i so -- unbalanced all the time?? i wave hello00 at normal when i swing by --- and good- byeeee to normal as i pass on the pendulum, then rest at ok... rest at pretty shitty... swing by normal again... hellllooooo normal.
i could continue but i won't. i'll preserve any sanity of yours i haven't destroyed yet :))

gnight folks

saturday slurrs

hello my pretties,

i have nothing to report today. yesterday was quite the boring and utmost of unproductive days for me. i had woke up way too early, so i had several hours to myself. which is actually how i like it to be. but just as i was starting on the business part of things, soulman said the magic words that stop me in my tracks every time.... " "do ya wanna go fishin for a while?"
"well hell. you know i do. lessgo!"
need i say more?
we fished for a couple hours at the pond-- neither caught a thing. we got home-- i began on my phone calls, and business stuff .... only to pass out shortly thereafter. thank God he was here to go get soulkid from school and take her to her dr appointment. cuz i was friggin comatose! i don't think i woulda woke up. i'm sure she -- or maybe even he would have called to make sure i was up/ or ok if i was late - but still, that didn't make me feel better about getting so exerted so easily these days.
i have noticed that i have been much more quick to tire since i had the blood clot. i mean physically. i run out of breath more easily. i get really really worn out doing small tasks, like just dishes, or cooking-- i guess the standing does it. standing has bothered my back for many years, but now, it feels like i have been jogging for a couple miles just to stand up for half an hour.
it really bothers me. i'm the engine that keeps this train runnin... soulman is the caboose that kicks me in the rear to keep me goin. i'm afraid i'm runnin out of steam... maybe for good this time. i think i shoulda gave myself more recovery time after i blew the clot. i really do. but i always have to challenge myself. or prove myself. and y'all know this passed couple years... i always land flat on my back when i do that. how much more stupid can i get.
don't answer that. we all know. i have a major move comin up-- so i can get a lot stupider-- and will.
it's already affecting my sleep---again. if you can tell. these past few nights-- or more. or maybe it's been in patches, hell i don't know. but i am starting to get on mmy weird sleep pattern again. up at 2 or 3 a.m. again. , i think recently i was sayin somethin about not takin naps anymore-- well.. they---re baaaack. 3 and 4 hour naps. it seems only when soulman is home tho-- so i know soulkid is ok. or if she is at school she'll get picked up if i don't wake up. but yep. this is not the way i want to live . maybe i'm just mentally overwhelmed? at all this house stuff. the packing, looking, moving, money, soulkid whining...not here-- this one--i dont like it--i want this one-- ya know?? not to mention--- this next house really has to be the last. i don't have another move in me. i really don't. the last two nearly killed me. actually the last three. when we left here to go to new mexico-- i worked myself nearly to damn death-- literally. one night i collapsed like a rag doll on the hallway floor. out of pure exhaustion. ughhhhhhhh. i hate to move. my gawd i hate it with every fibre of my being. but, i also hate living in a house that doesn't feel like home too. the past many years has felt like moving when i was a kid-- just moving and moving and moving just to find a place to live-- somewhere we could afford... and temporary. this time-- i want to find my home. i want it to reach out to me, and tell me it is my home. that it is where i will stay. that i can unpack , and decorate, and be comfortable. that i am finally home. ya know. i've only felt that once in my entire married life. it was our first home we bought together. we all loved that house. my heart was in it. i haven't put my heart into any other house since then. and it's been obvious.

and why i am going on and on and on about this drivel i have no clue-- it just kinda fell out. sorry.
i shall get mo coffay, and maybe have somethin else to talk about on my return.

hmmm... i have returned , yet i have nothing new to say.
well, except that i didn't buy a new coffee maker yesterday. i didn't do much of anything yesterday. the main productive thing i did manage to do was figure out the best bills to pay to better our credit scores to be approved for a home loan.
i tried for the past three days to get a hold of the woman i'm supposed to be workin with on this crap-- but i keep missin her-- and she's not returning my calls. soooo, i think i will have to find someone else-- or go with the guy hubby has been talkin to. i want to get the pre approval..blank check in hand so we can move on. i want to know for a fact that we are fully ready to forge on. ya know? it is definitely a buyers market out there right now. we drove around yesterday for a while lookin at houses... we saw some awesome homes-- in very nice neighborhoods... the signs out front would say "from the 240's.. we'd drive in and drive around and see homes for 150 !! in neighborhoods with fishin ponds even. a few of the houses backed right up on the ponds...you could open your livin room or kitchen window and look out at the water. y'all know we'd love that.
but the way i am... i just feel hesitant without the check in hand. i hate to get my hopes up--only to have them shattered.


welp-- i reckon that's all i got for now--
ore vois peeps :))
happy saturday

my coffee maker has died -- funeral at noon

it came as no surprise this morning , while my dear friend coughed and sputtered her last gurgle as she spit out her last bit of coffee. but still, my heart is broken. she has been there for me every time i have needed her, morning , noon , and night. she has awakened me on the tired and painful mornings that i awoke way too early for anyone's good. she has been there to pep me up in the afternoons when i knew i didn't have time to take a nap. she's stood at the ready to help soothe atrocious migraines whenever i asked her to. she has been there to fill my thermos for the early morning fishing tournament, or the zero dark thirty road trip to somewhere.
until---- this passed week. she became ill. an electrical problem? perhaps. very likely. maybe even a leaky internal component that may have damaged something integral, or pertinent to her life. but the illness began with no warning, just a sudden problem with massive leakage onto the counter upon brewing. from there it worsened, until the last two or three days, she began to brew for only a few seconds, then shut down; and have to be re-started. sometimes two or three times before the cycle would complete the full cycle for a pot of coffee.
this morning, she has been declared dead. time of death, 3:33 a.m it was earlier-- but that that just sounds like a good time to use).
age: 1.5 yrs. survived by soul, and soulman.
this coffee maker was possibly the fist purchase that the soul-couple bought when they felt rich, and now, she must be replaced. ASAP. soulman is not as dependant on the morning coffee at home, as he works, and leaves home early enough to get coffee somewhere before a headache sets in. soul doesn't have that option-- or willingness. 3 a.m is just too damn early to go to the store for one pitiful cup of coffee. it just does not happen. it wouldn't happen even at 6 a.m - even tho the soul's do happen to own the below apparatus's that will make perfectly fine coffee at any time-- except soul is too spoiled to use them.






or perhaps just too lazy? but regardless, they sit in the pantry, while she fights with a dead-- or dying coffee maker.
soooo... today, it looks like she will be purchasing a replacement for her automatic coffee maker. hopefully one that won't die in a year or two.

k, so anyways, what else do i have to say??? not a lot at the moment.
i could tell you about all the important stuff i blew off and didn't do yesterday. but i won't do that. i want y'all to think i'm doin all kinds of work out here and staying busy. :)) even when i'm not.
well i do alot-- i just don't notice it. i did do some stuff yesterday-- but much of it was on the phone-- or paperwork crap-- like bills, and money stuff, and juggling crap. etc. then i slept a lot-- cuz i was just flat out tired. guess it's stress . i don't know. but i have been really tired lately. for a while i wasn't hardly sleepin at all, even at night...now i need a nap by like ten a.m. wth??? why can't i just be normal???
so anyhow today, i gotsta play catch up. with lotsa different things. and i know i'm gonna be whooped, cuz i woke up at like 130. dammit. where ARE my fairies???
if you see them , send them my way eh?

happy friday y'all

to fish , or not to fish, that is the question

i got nuthin today -- or yesterday either. i'm blogless. i've just been busy-- and y'all know what comes after busy for me, right? yup--- recovery. a state of vegitatation. which obviosly doesn't leave me with much to talk about -- or blog about. lots to whine about i'm sure. but, that obviously gets tiresome -- for all of us, me included.
but i still try. to keep you updated, and even sometimes, entertained. i'm afraid i'm failing at both lately.

i did manage to complete the rom of doom last night-- i can't believe how fast i got it done. i thought it would take days. well... techincally it did take 2 days.. but it was actually about three hours the first day, and maybe an hour or an hour and a half last night. so if my back wouldn't have gone out on me it woulda been done the first day.
i'm quite proud of myself for that task. everyone else was afraid to touch it...it sat locked down for months. i was refusing to do it out of protest-- due to the fact that i did it ;ast time--only for it to resemble the same hell pit in less than a week! this time soulman said he would do it "before she got out of rehab"- but he never got to it. and since she got out -- he works all day, then takes her to a meeting -- or somewhere else almost every night-- so it's always "i haven't had tiiiime". and you know-- to even attempt to tell her to do it-- ha! that's just funny. the room she lives in now-- looks the same or worse than the one i just finished. i refuse to do it. i told her she's gonna lose her bedframe first-- so she can't stuff everything under it-- then if i find she's stuffin crap in the closet it will be nailed shut-- thennnn, if she crams shit in the dresser? it goes next. she won't have anywhere else to shove stuff. and will be forced to learn to clean. how a person does not know how to clean is simply beyond my reasoning.
sure, i get lazy-- for a day or two. or i get tired or sore-- for a few days... but really that is all i can stand. and when i clean.. i clean. i don't just find holes to shove shit in. what is up with THAT??
someone call me a supernannny!

so anyways. this weeks weather has been wonderful, and i have spent it working. and recovering. one of these recent days after working in the kids room, my back was out-- i laid in bed at four and didnt get up til the next morning. ugh.i definiely should have fished this week by now. it won't be long before i'm cryin about not goin. i really should save the cleanin and crap for a bad weather day. call me anal.
i'm just set on gettin started on this place. and i was thinkin.. even if we have to stay here another month to pack, or find a place.. or finish up--or close on a house-- or whatever-- i can't waste time on a hunch. things could fly through. there's a chance we could be ready to get out of here by the 1st of july. if that happens and we've been sittin our thumbs. then we're screwed. so -- it's work work work.
when i ever have a deadline in anything-- i just get a sense of urgency-- or panic, and i just can't help myself but to go wild, and i get monofocused.

so anyhow--- what else-- aha-- we have food in the house-- that's a good feelin. we were down to nothin. i hate it when that happens. and hubbys diet makes it hard for me to shop now too. so i kinda dread it even more. can't get this, have to get that, blah blah blah.

oh speakin of his diet-- i'm jealous, as i sit here getting fatter by the second for no reason.
he was in the kitchen the other night, helping soulkid get something to eat. a couple seconds later she comes runnin in my room lauging..

"omg , mom, dads pants just fell off !!! all the way to the floor ! LOL"
i said .. OMG-- did you see anything? LOL...
she said , no, thank God.. i would have been scarred for life!"

god we laughed about that. how funny.
in a way it's good though-- not only does he need new pants, but even a new belt now. i'm jealous. i wanna lose my extra baggage teeewww.

hmmmmmm.... what else???
why do people find it neccessary to move magazines? i have magazines that i didn't read the first time around-- and now i want to pack them. wth. all they do is gather dust.
and printers that i don't use.. that may even be broken.. hell if i know... i just can't part with them... "i may need them someday"
paid bills--- bulky unneccessary papers-- millions of them... can't part with them tho-- WHYYYY??? tell me whyyy.
i have boxes of crap like that that i just keep on haulin around ...
does anyone else do that?? well.. i bet no one else moves every other year. do you?
i'm so sick of moving. this next move better be the last. every move we make takes about five years off my life.

oh hell.. how could i forget this-- soulkids TB test was negative, just like i thought. but of course they had to scare the crap out of me to get there. first, the lab gal looks at it. hmmm... she decides she needs a second opinion, so she gets another lab gal... then she says she isn't sure either-- cus it's a little red... she's gonna go get the dr. to have a look. ugh. i don't think i've held my breath that long in a while. so then the dr. comes in , and has a look, rubs it. presses it. blah blah. oh it's fine, it's not raised, no bump. it's negative. (SIGH) (exhale) -- ugh. i was pretty sure it was negative anyhow-- but i hate it when they play head games like that.
as far as the other blood work , it's not back yet. it was testing for anemia, hypoglycemia, and stuff like that..maybe diabetes too. not tb. but i'll let y'all know if anything shows up.

so. i got to talk to angie on the phone for the first time yesterday. that was cool. we were just trying to decide on the timing, and what we were gonna do while she is here. things are still up in the air. that tends to happen when ya gots kidz. so we're waitin on those arrangements to get settled before we set our dates in concrete. i can already tell we're gonna have a blast while she's here. whether we work or not.

so anyways-- that the deets in soulland for now-- anything is subject to change at any given moment--
like the fact that i was backwards on the new carpool arrangements-- i am the after school ride - not the to school ride. bummer. but yesterday and today-- i am both. lovely.
can y'all believe that school is almost OUT?? ugh. i can't. i think summers for kids outta school is just too long. too much time for their little minds to wander. my kid got in so much trouble last year. omg...i dread this one. i'm still not comfortable letting her hang out all night at other kids houses all night-- or even for an afternoon.. or to go to a concert-- or anywhere really. but i can't sit on her for three months. i can see it's gonna be a stressful summer. maybe getting and decorating a new house will help her, having a new focus??? i hope so.

ok, i'm rambling.. so i shall shut thy mouth

post weekend wrap-up

or would that be - post weekend whinefest? i reckon we'll all figure that out in a minute, or two. i haven't barely touched my computer in days. very minimally. especially in comparison to many other days that i spend more time on this thing than off. but anyhow-- it's been from one extreme to the other around here since friday-- but it still feels like i haven't accomplished anything. i hate it when it gets like that. (i also hate these cigarettes that destinguish every thirty seconds all by theirself-- just in case you wondered) .

so anyhow-- friday i took the child to the doctor. the plan was to take her for a lingering cough. she'd been coughing for litteraly weeks. 6-8.. somewhere in there. i guess a day or two -- y'all know my time frame is never correct--i live in limbo -- but one time before i made the appointment for the doc -- she tells me that her boyfriend has been coughing up blood !!!! oh well, isn't that special?? my first thought is TB. so i make the appointment on thursday , and was able to get her in on friday a.m. that was quick. i guess they don't mess around with contageous deadly diseases eh? or i should say the suspicion of. they tested her of course-- and out of the many tests that i've had-- from what i can see , and i look at it often-- it appears to be negative. i do wonder why a teenage boy would cough up blood though. that really worries me-- for him AND for her. but anyhow-- she kept feeling and looking sicker that day-- so i kept her out of school, and went on home with her rx's .. antibiotics and cough pills. she seems pretty good over the last couple days..she even cleaned up her room last night. hopefully the antibiotics will work, and kick this thing-- cuz it is contageous--whatever it is-- cuz i have it now. i have felt like crap all weekend. that sack of rice kinda feeling. and cough. no puking or anything-- but i wouldn't know if i had a fever even if i did have one. because of the addisons' i never run a temp--at least not a readble one. she had one on thursday though - and through the night-- but of course at the dr-- she did not.

as for me? i'd already felt bad/sick for a day or two-- mostly just that weak rice bag feelin. saggy, ya know. and tired. i slept a lot in my free time. then yesterday i finally felt good enough to try to get some work done around here. well, thursday i worked too-- but i felt so crappy i broke out in a sweat just standing/washing dishes. i mean a lot of sweat. i felt horrible. then yesterday-- i worked in the room of doom and gloom. which would be soulkids old bedroom. which was such a friggin disaster, that when she came home from rehab, we locked her out of-- and moved her into the "guest room". soo i finally decided that the time was now to get that room cleaned, and packed, and ready for my pal angie-- the great organizer -- dah dah dah-- dah dah-- to sleep in while she is here. i am so stoked about her comin out here. i don't even care if we work. sure it would be great to have her super human organizing skillz to take over my mind at packing time. but it isn't neccessary . we have talked of meeting for quite a while. i just can't believe the time has come, and reallly i don't want it to be a business trip. ya know. so i think we'll just play it by ear. we'll prolly get bored enough to get something done-- but i aint kilin either one of us with this sortin and packin stuff. i'm sure glad she likes to fish tho-- cuz really fishin , eatin , and movies, is all i know what to do around here. (how bout you angie? i hope you're thinkin :))

oh ya-- so anyhow-- i was cleanin the hell room, and after 2 or 3 hours -- i pulled a damn muscle in back and side. must have been some kinda twisting motion thing. i had to stop workin. damn it hurt all friggin night long. so hopefully i can get it done today. that , and my kitchen and good lawd--- i must get groceries. i have no clue how we survived the weekend without shopping. talk about creative cooking. hubby gets off at around noon today tho-- so hopefully he will go with me and help me. it really sucks bein all limited like this. i never really thought i would get to the point of needing help to grocery shop. how sucky is that.? it really really REALLY is gettin to me as i watch myself deteriorate over the months and years, as i tack on more and more limitations onto my daily life. ugh. i feel every second of my age-- but at the same time-- i still feel too young to feel this way. and even worse when i realize how young i was when it all began. 25. that just sucks.

hmmm... does anything not suck today? umm, yes. of course.

"i'm good enough,
i'm smart enough,
and doggone it,
people like me"

(Al Frankin, of SNL )

i love that skit-- as much as i hate affirmatiions, that one makes me laugh. i know it's meant to be funny, but it's just hilareous to me sometimes. cuz he's really such a geek , and ya know he's really a loser, that no one gives a damn about. anyhow... yes i do find dumb stuff funny. maybe that's what keeps me laughin at myself. cuz if i couldn't laugh at my half ziggy half schleprock self ... no one knows where i'd be right now. so i just try to shake it off. some days it takes longer than others to do that-- but i'm noticing that more days than not -- it doesn't take so long to just let shit roll of my back. complacency? or healing? whatever it is, i don't mind.

catch you peeps latah--

todays plan of the day?
take kid for PPD readin (TB test read)
then to school.
then home to finish the room of doom
clean my kitchen
grocery shop
pay my late bills i never got to :((
and hopefully be done by 230---
yep-- i have an arrangement -- i drive mine and two others to school, and another parent will be bringing them home. i'm so thrilled. thAT middle of the day - stop what i'm doing, to pick up kids, really screws things up sometimes. so , woo hoo for that little trade off.

anyhow-- i must go
have yourselves a happy monday
i'll be around on smoke breaks--if i have time for any.
laterz